Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Gentle Art Of Making Enemies


Alternately, why I should have no access to friends or instant messaging technology.

Aunt Becky: “OHMYGOD, I need your help!!”

Dad Gone Mad: “Okay, what’s wrong?”

Aunt Becky: “I have been up since Sunday and I can barely concentrate and I don’t know who else to ask because no one else will talk to me anymore because there’s this song, right?”

Dad Gone Mad: “A song…”

Aunt Becky: “YES! That Elton John song, “Levon,” and he goes, ‘he shall be-LEVON.'”

Dad Gone Mad: “……”

Aunt Becky: “I DON’T GET IT.”

Dad Gone Mad: “I think it’s a double entendre. You know, ‘he shall believe on.'”

Aunt Becky: “….”

Aunt Becky: “I see…Dude, I’m not sure I’m any happier knowing that.”

Dad Gone Mad: “But what can you really expect from some douchebag who sells cartoon balloons?”

Aunt Becky: “OR calls his child Jesus. Let’s be honest: that name has KINDA been taken.”

Dad Gone Mad: “And when was the last time the New York Times said “God is dead”? That’s just a filthy lie.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m pretty illiterate, dude, so I don’t read the paper. My next question is this, who names their child that? Really? Levon. I don’t know anyone named Levon. I pretty much know everyone, everywhere. I think it’s a conspiracy, Danny.”

Dad Gone Mad: “You’re pretty fucking weird, dude.”

Aunt Becky: “Just be glad that you don’t live with me.”

74 Comments to

“The Gentle Art Of Making Enemies”

  1. On March 26th, 2010 at 11:27 am avasmommy Says:

    I have no words. None. However, now I want to listen to Elton John. But not that song. The good stuff, like Rocket Man. And Tiny Dancer.

  2. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:03 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Love, love, love “Your Song.”

    *happy sigh*

    Also? “The Way You Look Tonight.”

  3. On March 26th, 2010 at 11:27 am LindsayDianne Says:

    I’ve NEVER understood, “LEVON”. Levi, maybe. LEVON?
    I dunno, dude.

  4. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:03 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I don’t think I’m ever going to get it. I just don’t.

  5. On March 26th, 2010 at 11:29 am SoccerMom Says:

    That is certainly a very interesting take on that song. hmmmmmmm, I may have to go back and listen to it.

    PS Whats wrong with living with the guy?

  6. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, living with ME is the problem.

  7. On March 26th, 2010 at 12:24 pm SciFi Dad Says:


    I can’t even convince him to read my blog, let alone comment on it, and YOU have his personal one on one attention?

    It’s because you showed him your boobs, isn’t it?

  8. On March 26th, 2010 at 12:38 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Note to self: now I owe DGM a photo of my boobs.

  9. On March 26th, 2010 at 12:59 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I hear he likes blonds.

  10. On March 26th, 2010 at 11:24 am Zakary Says:

    I’m not certain, but I think Uma Thurman named her son LEVON.

    And that song bugs.

    And now it’s stuck in my head.

  11. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:03 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    SHE DID NOT. Now my head hurts.

  12. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:17 pm Zakary Says:

    From Wikipedia: On May 1, 1998, Thurman married actor Ethan Hawke, whom she met on the set of Gattaca. Hawke’s novel Ash Wednesday is dedicated to “Karuna”, Thurman’s middle name. Thurman acknowledged that they had married because she was pregnant – seven months at their wedding.[43] The marriage produced two children, daughter Maya Ray Thurman-Hawke (b. July 8, 1998) and son Levon Roan Thurman-Hawke (b. January 15, 2002).

    So very wrong.

  13. On March 26th, 2010 at 5:34 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    There must have been some heavy drugs involved.

  14. On March 26th, 2010 at 3:31 pm Barbara Says:

    why do celebrities insist on naming their kids something stupid? Ughhh, when will they learn?

  15. On March 26th, 2010 at 4:31 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Normal names are GOOD. A baby looks cute as “Apple” but an adult? I mean…um. NOT SO MUCH.

  16. On March 26th, 2010 at 11:29 am Wendi Says:

    It’s a good rule of thumb to never try to make sense of lyrics written in the 60’s. That said, is “Crocodile Rock” about having sex with someone who has dentures? I’ve always wondered.

  17. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m pretty sure it is. Or a meth lab.

  18. On March 26th, 2010 at 11:30 am Stephanie Says:

    … on a side note, do you remember when you were all “Oh Dexter my tv lover, lets bake a cake!”????

    Saw this article/pictures about effed up cakes and thought of you,
    Fondly. But not Serial killer fondly… ENJOY!

  19. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha. If only it WAS serial killer fondly…Also? Hilarious. Thank you for the linkage! I laughed my ass off.

  20. On March 26th, 2010 at 11:39 am a Says:

    But what are friends for if not for answering life’s philosophical questions?

  21. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:01 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Pretty sure he’ll be ignoring my “urgent” IM’s now.

  22. On March 26th, 2010 at 11:55 am Patty Punker Says:

    i just read the lyrics and am now blown away by that song. so thanks for that. and the chuckles as always.

  23. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:01 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    *bows* Glad you liked it.

  24. On March 26th, 2010 at 11:58 am Alex Says:

    Levon Helm. The Band. Sheesh. I have no idea if that’s who Elton John was talking about, that’s your brain that gets stuck on that song. But Levon? Totally popular for a certain set of people with body-armor referencing surnames like “Helm.”

    Now, “Tiny Dancer” on the other hand, is sticky. (I can’t believe I wrote that.) “Hold me close now, Tony Danza. Count the headlamps on the sidewalk. I heard the president is gay.”

  25. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:01 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I might have liked that song, were it not for those lyrics, which I cannot UN-hear.

  26. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:12 pm Alex Says:

    You’re welcome.

  27. On April 2nd, 2010 at 6:02 pm Stacy Says:

    Oh I am so glad someone posted that, I love those lyrics .. hold me close now Tony Danza! I am killin myself laughing as I sing it in my head.

  28. On March 26th, 2010 at 12:15 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    I once read an article about strange baby names. And no joke at least two babies in this country are named Espn. As in the cable sports network. That is serious messed uppedness.

  29. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:00 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I used to work L and D and I shit you not, someone named their baby “Chandelier.” You know, like the crystal thing? WHAT. THE. FUCK.

  30. On March 26th, 2010 at 2:45 pm Melissa Says:

    Maybe they thought they were feminizing the name Chandler. Which is totally like FEMININE. But they were thinking of Friends.

    I work with a guy who’s first name is Phuk Yon Hong, so obviously he wanted to get an americanized alias. What does he pick? SKIPPY!!

  31. On March 26th, 2010 at 5:31 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s really awesome. I would totally name myself “Skippy.” No, I totally would!

  32. On March 26th, 2010 at 7:18 pm Melissa Says:

    HAH – the funniest part is that he has this HEAVY HEAVY duty southern drawl (he is from Atlanta). Nothing about his name or voice match. He is totally American. I think maybe he may have thought that if he was going to have a really funny name anyway, he may as well make it good. I have never met a southern Skippy. Northeastern yes, but they are totally serious about their name.

    I was at an uppity wedding of one of my cousins and one of his ushers was called Skippy. He was totally offended when I laughed when introduced to him. Apparently it is not a funny name if you are in the Thurston Howell crowd. I seriously thought he was joking.

    That was right before I pulled a Tom Hanks from the movie Big when trying Beluga for the first time and was chugging champange and wiping my tongue off with a napkin to get the taste off. God PLEASE GET THAT TASTE OUT OF MY MOUTH.. (ironically, I DO swallow and it doesnt bother me)

    Not too many people in corporate feel comfortable saying phuk yon hong. Hey Phuk! (not sure they pronouce the ph the way we do in Taiwan, but am also sure he had fun with it)

  33. On March 28th, 2010 at 12:40 pm Wombat Central Says:

    My mom worked in the medical field and saw a patient named Shanda Leer. I guess if you can’t make it happen with one name, used both to create a dumb word. My favorite was a friend of my aunt’s whose name was Aliki (pronounced AhLEEKee) who named a man by the last name of Tiddy. Yeah. I would have kept my maide name for sure.

  34. On April 2nd, 2010 at 6:03 pm Stacy Says:

    I went to school with a Krystal Ball!

  35. On March 26th, 2010 at 12:17 pm Rebecca Says:

    Isn’t Anton Levon some sort of anti-Christ or devil? Something like that……….it’s right on the tip of my tongue….ggrrrr

  36. On March 26th, 2010 at 12:59 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    He’s the leader of the church of Satan or something, I think.

  37. On March 26th, 2010 at 12:24 pm Miss Spoken Says:

    Pretty sure a sugar cubed dosed with LSD will clear the whole matter up.

  38. On March 26th, 2010 at 12:59 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You know, THAT is what I should have done, because now I am more confused than ever.

  39. On March 26th, 2010 at 2:17 pm Amy Mayfield Says:

    I just left a spring market event at our local civic center and here’s another tip for making enemies.
    When people try to sell you their craptastic trays that are wonderful for parties you can respond as I did, “Oh no thanks, I don’t need trays. I don’t have parties. I don’t like enough people to have a party and serve them food and shit.”
    Poor little man couldn’t even say anything.

  40. On March 26th, 2010 at 5:32 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha! I think I love you.

  41. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:29 pm Kelly Says:

    Why do people name their kids such fucked up things? If they want to be different, they could put their kids in tye-die, or gangsta clothes, or baby polo or whatever…but a name is something you have forever, unless you pay to change it. Can you imagine how awful it is to have a one of those made up goofy names? School would be a nightmare!

  42. On March 26th, 2010 at 5:34 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Exactly. Just. Yes. Why saddle your kid with a name no one can spell? Or worse, a name that’s ACTUALLY a common name spelled so oddly that no one can spell it right.

  43. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:31 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Kid in my son’s class is named Levon. Though I think it is spelled Le’Von.

  44. On March 26th, 2010 at 5:33 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    REALLY? Now THAT is awesome.

  45. On March 26th, 2010 at 1:35 pm The Mercurial Wife Says:

    Thank god I don’t listen to Elton John!

  46. On March 26th, 2010 at 5:33 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That song is pretty awesome.

  47. On March 26th, 2010 at 2:16 pm J. Says:

    For the record, I just checked the New York Times, and God, while extremely disappointed with the Catholic Church, is not, in fact, dead (though He/She may be on Spring Break). So much for “Levon.”

    FYI, the technical term for what you describe, Becky, is an ear worm. (Seriously, what did we do before Urban Dictionary?) If you ever saw “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” or the latest “Star Trek” movie, you know, where the evil guy puts that thing in the good guy’s ear and it drives him mad? That’s it.

    Fortunately, I believe “Levon” is slightly easier to get rid of, and I have yet to hear an account of anyone being driven mad by that particular song, though for some reason hearing James Taylor sing anything makes me want to hurt puppies, and I love puppies.

    Slightly O/T, after seeing Lady Gaga perform with Sir Elton at the Grammy’s and then seeing her video for “Telephone,” I am convinced Lady Gaga is the musical love child of Madonna and Elton John. (Now if someone could only explain the meaning of that “Telephone” video…)

  48. On March 26th, 2010 at 5:33 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That Telephone video is my next topic. I cannot begin to understand it.

    Although I was glad to know that she does not, in fact, have a penis. I really, really thought that she did.

  49. On March 26th, 2010 at 6:19 pm Agape Says:

    Dude, I would like to think of myself as pretty progressive, but damn!!!! That video! Holy shiznizzles! Was anyone else completely flabbergasted? Pretty much the only thing I remember about it was the crotch rubbing scene in the yard and I thought to myself, thank the gravy that my children are too young to watch and understand this stuff, and then I thought….FUCK, if this is out NOW, what the HELL will be out when my children ARE old enough to understand……what is the world coming tooooooooooo???????? Tell me I’m not the only one….please, tell me that.

  50. On March 30th, 2010 at 7:28 am J. Says:

    Speaking of “Telephone,” if you guys have not seen the (much shorter) version featuring the cast of Sesame Street, go to YouTube NOW. Here is the link,

  51. On March 26th, 2010 at 3:13 pm Stephanie Says:

    Totally O/T…but Chandelier? Seriously? Hey…could be Le-a. No, not pronounced “Leah,” like you’d think.

    But “ladasha”

    Don’t know if it’s valid or not, but it’s funny as hell!

  52. On March 26th, 2010 at 5:31 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You can pretty much name a kid anything you want. SCARY.

  53. On March 26th, 2010 at 4:10 pm Sunny Says:

    I generally dislike any song that requires too much thinking or knowledge of pop culture, past or present. I think all lyrics should be straightforward, like “The Thong Song” or “My Humps.”

    The exception being Tori Amos. I don’t understand *anything* that woman sings, but it rocks my world.

  54. On March 26th, 2010 at 4:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That would be why I have an extensive Britney collection. You and me? LIKE THIS.

  55. On March 26th, 2010 at 5:02 pm J. Says:

    Love. Britney. I want them to play “Womanizer” every time Tiger or Jesse James is on TV.

  56. On March 26th, 2010 at 5:18 pm mumma boo Says:

    “and he shall be Levon, an addition to the family plan”

    Family plan for what? Insurance? Cell phone? Internet? Seriously, Sir Elton – WTF???

  57. On March 26th, 2010 at 5:35 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m pretty sure everyone was high when that was written. It’s the only way that makes sense.

  58. On March 26th, 2010 at 5:41 pm mumma boo Says:

    Ex-act-ly. He wasn’t lying about that mountain of cocaine.

  59. On March 26th, 2010 at 6:08 pm Becca Says:

    Ok maybe I’m really tired, but I don’t get it. I’ll just go hide in the corner now, thanks! πŸ™‚

  60. On March 26th, 2010 at 8:32 pm amanda Says:

    Back to the names…my grandmother taught twin boys…Orangejello and Lemonjello. Get fancy with the pronunciation and it’s no longer crap in your cabinets…it’s a name folks! Also, I once taught LaPoochie. I kid you not. However, it was pronounced LaPorshe. He said he was named after the car. W.T.F?!?

  61. On March 26th, 2010 at 9:03 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Yeah, I always thought it was “he shall believe on” too. That’s all I got today. So flippin tired I can barely see. Therefore, will shut up now. πŸ™‚

  62. On March 27th, 2010 at 6:36 am JennyMac Says:

    Thank you very little for making me stuck with that song all day. If we have a girl I am going to name her “Apple bottom jeans.”

  63. On March 27th, 2010 at 9:11 am Gunfighter Says:

    Didn’t some idiot celebrity name a child Levon recently?

    I hate that song. If it weren’t for Elton John’s prodgious body of great music, I would shoot him just for recording it.

  64. On March 27th, 2010 at 1:30 pm Kristin Says:

    I think I love your weirdness!

  65. On March 27th, 2010 at 2:16 pm Ed Says:

    Meh, that one didn’t bother me. Levon Helm from The Band (The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down). As Forest Gump would say, it’s a household word. What REALLY bothers me about Elton John is Someone Save My Life Tonight Sugar Bear. And everything about Philadelphia Freedom. And Crockodile Rock. And for the love of fucking god, dude, how many times are you gonna remake Candle In The Wind? What, everything that rhymes with Norma Jean is gonna be a song now? “Goodbye Pork and Beans.” “Goodbye Torn Blue Jeans.” “Goodbye Harry Reams.”
    Amorina and Madman Across the Water did not give you permission to piss all over Pinball Wizard.

  66. On March 27th, 2010 at 5:50 pm F. Haataja Says:

    Until I scrolled back and saw that ‘Dad Gone Mad’ had a link the first time it was written, I thought you were having this conversation with your actual father. I was about to write, “Why are you talking to your dad on Instant Messenger and calling each other ‘dude’?”

  67. On March 28th, 2010 at 9:36 am jessiee Says:

    β€œWhy are you talking to your dad on Instant Messenger and calling each other β€˜dude’?”

    I went from Elton John to a line from a Cake song…maybe not enough coffee yet…

  68. On March 27th, 2010 at 7:58 pm Jenn Says:

    Elton John’s songs are generally either really great or really terrible.

    I knew a kid named Jack Daniels.
    And when I was in the hospital with monkey, the woman I shared a room with named her newborn baby Winter – which is okay except that their last name was Snow. I mean, come on.

  69. On March 27th, 2010 at 8:53 pm Brittany Says:

    This song was ruined for me a few years ago.


  70. On March 28th, 2010 at 12:50 pm Wombat Central Says:

    Okay, I felt compelled to look up the name:

    **The name Levon has the following meaning:

    Combined in harmony. In the Old Testament, Levi was the third son of Jacob. His descendants, the Levites, were the priests of Israel.**

    I don’t get how they turned Levi into Levon, but Whatever. I have known someone named Levi, and he made me think of jeans.

    Also, I always assumed the simpler meaning of the song in that he was just saying, “He shall be [called] Levon, and he shall be a good man.” Of course, I also sucked royally at reading between the lines in Shakespeare plays. I’m a face value kind of gal, I guess.

  71. On March 29th, 2010 at 7:43 am Katie Says:

    I actually have a friend name Levion, named after the song but the nurse couldn’t spell on the birth certificate.

  72. On March 29th, 2010 at 3:37 pm g$ Says:

    I heard that song the other day and laughed my ass off.

    I have been eating so much Mexican food this pregnancy that we are certain this little boy is going to come out wearing a sombrero. So, in that taste (poor), we have decided his name will be Jesus. People will oo and ahh over little Jesus, which they will pronounce assumptively, HayZeus.

    I will turn to them and sternly advise them, his name is Jesus. Not Hayzeus.

    See, this makes my husband and I laugh until we cry just about every time we tell it.

  73. On April 2nd, 2010 at 6:09 pm Stacy, with no E Says:

    I am lost, I don’t know what’s wrong with the name Levon, but I’ll take your word for it that that there’s something ….

    My favorite nephew is Levi (am I allowed to choose favorites? too bad!) and I wasn’t a fan of the name at all. Still not really. But I love my little man, it doesn’t matter that his mom gave him an odd name. She has 4 sons under the age of 13 so I’d forgive her for almost anything she did.

  74. On April 3rd, 2010 at 9:28 pm Name(required) Says:

    I actually do know someone who name their son Levon. Levon Beck. He’s wandering around Hellinois not too far from St. Louis.

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