Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Drive-By Social Networker


It’s bad enough that it happens at blogging conferences: you’re standing there, minding your own business, talking to a friend, when out of nowhere, someone in comfortable sneakers and a blazer with shoulder pads comes up to you and before you know it, they’ve dumped their business cards into your drinks and scampered off, in search of their next victim.

The drive-by social networker strikes again.

Now, I have approximately a bazillion business cards. I intend to pass them out or use as coasters, whichever the case may be. But while I may hand you my card, it will be after we’ve had a conversation, perhaps a drink together. The drinks are optional. The business cards are EXTRA optional.

Because when you’re at a blogging conference? Everyone has business cards. And no one wants them in their drinks.

Perhaps I will create a bubble around myself to avoid drinking my vodka/diet with a side of your business card. That’s not to say I don’t want your card; I just don’t want it thrust into my hand while I try to check into the hotel with my bags freaking everywhere.

Maybe I’m just bitter.

In the past week alone, I’ve gotten at least twenty DM’s from The Twitter, and while I eagerly open them, humming and perhaps dancing the White Girl Booty Shuffle because, “I HAVE AN EMAIL MOTHERFUCKERS,” I’m shocked and saddened by it’s contents.

Instead of saying, “Hi Becky, let’s be friends,” or “Hi Becky, I’m sending you a cat that shoots REAL LASERS FROM IT’S EYES,” it’s this.

“Thanks for the follow. Check us out on Facebook (insert link to crappy company)”

A variation:

“Thanks for the follow, hope you read my blog (url).”



That’s not very friendly. In fact, that’s beyond impersonal.

MOST people I know unfollow after receiving automated DM’s because they hate The Drive By Social Networker as much (more) than I do. I, on the other hand, am lazy and have decided to plot my revenge upon them.

I’m simply going to start DMing them every time I have to take a poo, eat a sandwich, go to Target, and every other mundane thing people say on The Twitter. I’ll be as personal as I wanna be. Then, I’ll direct them BACK to my blog so they can “read more.”

Perhaps then, they’ll rethink their drive-by networking strategy. AND learn about my toileting habits in the process.

This will be a total win!

32 Comments to

“The Drive-By Social Networker”

  1. On July 19th, 2011 at 9:48 am Brandon Says:

    Great post, now go follow my blog and I promise not to send you awkward cock-shots from my smartphone?

    Original? Or try harder? Or are you into that sort of thing?

  2. On July 19th, 2011 at 9:49 am Brandon Says:

    By the way, I’ve been on the road for the past few days, and haven’t been on your site lately. When did you change your layout?

    (Insert ‘birdcage’ voice here:) It looks faaaaaaabulous!!!!

  3. On July 19th, 2011 at 9:52 am JR Reed Says:

    Maybe you’re not bitter as much as some people are inconsiderate ass monkeys. I think it’s more the ass monkey thing and less the bitter one. Although, a bitter Aunt Becky is fun. You could also call them douche nozzles or simply dicks/bitches depending on the gender and shit.

  4. On July 19th, 2011 at 9:53 am erin@mommyonthespot Says:

    I always struggle with handing out my card. But then again, I feel like I approach these kinds of things with who do I click with personally, not who’s going to be able to do the most for me. So when I give someone my card, it’s because I like them. Or they gave me thier card first. But mostly because I like them.

    Having said that, be sure to hold a bar stool for me! I’m always in for a drink and convo.

  5. On July 19th, 2011 at 10:11 am rachel Says:

    awesome idea. I think auto DMs are about as awesome as music on blogs.

  6. On July 19th, 2011 at 10:12 am Tershbango Says:

    Nice new layout! Looks good!

    But it would look better with my business card in your hand. Now go read my blog. 😉

  7. On July 19th, 2011 at 10:13 am Anthony from CharismaticKid Says:

    Yayyyy! I always hate getting a DM that I think is going to be a nice message to me and it’s just something automated. Duhhhh.

  8. On July 19th, 2011 at 10:50 am The Daver Says:

    hey beckey i luv ur blog check me out at my blog. cya

  9. On July 19th, 2011 at 10:59 am Suze Says:

    That’s hilarious! Aunt Becky, you’re the ultimate prankster.

  10. On July 19th, 2011 at 10:59 am Erin Says:

    Aunt Becky, let’s be friends. I would prefer that no one looks at my blog (not that I’ve even updated it in forever), and I don’t have any business cards to shove at you. Although I’m thinking of getting some to rival my husband’s, which list his title as “Gentleman Scientist, Adventurer.”

  11. On July 19th, 2011 at 11:10 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I was thinking of just tossing my business cards up in the air in a crowded seminar & let them shower down on everyone like a gentle summer rain.

    You know. so I don’t have to do that awkward introducing myself stuff before handing it out.

  12. On July 19th, 2011 at 11:26 am Meg at the Members Lounge Says:

    Aunt Becky you rock! And bloggers, the best way to get to know Aunt Becky is take a late night escalator ride with her at a blogging conference. I know you don’t remember, but you were really funny and it was a blast to meet you!

    Love your new prankster layout!

  13. On July 19th, 2011 at 12:40 pm April K. Says:

    The only kind of drive by that I like is one that involves an ice cream truck. That dude can be as impersonal as he wants, as long as I get my BombPop. Fake sincerity from others, though? That totally sucks ass.

  14. On July 19th, 2011 at 1:13 pm MarsupialMama Says:

    “I’m simply going to start DMing them every time I have to take a poo, eat a sandwich, go to Target, and every other mundane thing people say on The Twitter. I’ll be as personal as I wanna be. Then, I’ll direct them BACK to my blog so they can “read more.”</b" <————- This made me snort coke through my nose..

    Fizzy = pain.

    Now come vote for me!!! The link is on my blog!!

  15. On July 19th, 2011 at 1:16 pm Walkingborder (Karen) Says:

    Go with the poo.

    “Dear asshole who sent that DM because I clicked follow. I just took a shit! Are you regular? Find out more here: ”

    Even if you don’t shit 5 times a day, THEY don’t need to know that. For all they know you are lactose intolerant and can’t lay off the ice cream/milk/cheese/whatever.

    Also, I bet you could get free crappy business cards for blogher too. Something that directs the drive-by social media asses to a website dealing with incontinence. I mean, apparently they have trouble holding their shit in and it just spews everywhere, so maybe they need help with that?

  16. On July 19th, 2011 at 3:32 pm Triplezmom Says:

    I’m so afraid of being this person that I have an enormous stack of business cards gathering dust in a drawer somewhere.

    It’s so much more fun to just get drunk with people.

  17. On July 19th, 2011 at 3:48 pm Elaine Says:

    You dear, are a genius. But I think we already knew that! Awesome idea!

  18. On July 19th, 2011 at 3:54 pm Heli Says:

    I totally get what you are saying but how do you suggest someone emerge into the industry? I agree that people should be more personal with their messages but how do you get into the “clique” of mommy bloggers?

  19. On July 19th, 2011 at 5:57 pm Chibi Jeebs Says:

    I will unfollow after an auto-DM so fast, it’s actually in my Twitter bio. No, really: go look! And then, uh, like my facepintspaceplus page, m’kay?

    P.S. New design kicks serious ASS!

  20. On July 19th, 2011 at 6:57 pm Elise Says:

    When I first started my blog, I had no readers for fear of becoming the Drive-By Social Networker. Because they are ob.nox.ious!
    I think it’s a fine balance to strike. For some of us out here on the Internet, we’re already socially awkward (which is why we chose the Internet as our medium), so when we HAVE to network, we often screw it up. But I like the way you kindly and gently teach them the lesson, Aunt Becky. I almost want to send you a generic DM to get your responses! 🙂

  21. On July 19th, 2011 at 8:53 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    Thanks for reading my comment. Please read more on my blog.

  22. On July 19th, 2011 at 9:58 pm YourPaleBlueDot Says:

    Maybe collect the business cards and recycle them to pulp and make business cards from them. It’s green, balances the equation, and next time some douche hands you a business card you can say check out my blog and give them a card made from the blended corpses of other cards.

  23. On July 19th, 2011 at 10:47 pm Liz @ Six Year Itch Says:

    Please do it. Report back.

  24. On July 20th, 2011 at 12:30 am beta dad Says:

    My business cards are soaked in LSD-25. I’m just trying to liven up the party. Also, those were my real shoulders, not pads.

  25. On July 20th, 2011 at 12:42 am Barefeet In The Kitchen Says:

    Oh. My. Gosh. I popped in to say that your rant was making me grin, but now all these comments are cracking me up. I’ll be back to read more later. I’m your happiest newest follower and for what it’s worth, don’t come follow me back. I don’t even have a business card to send you. If I did though, I’d bedazzle the heck out of it and put all the others to shame.

  26. On July 20th, 2011 at 12:51 am Peter Says:

    I don’t have any business cards, seeing as how I’m long retired. I did make up a hundred retired cards but never followed up once I gave them all away. I was kind of proud of them, they had my “alias” from cowboy action shooting and stuff. If I ever decide to go into making the bullets for the black powder shooters to handload into their ca’tridges I’ll make up some more. I’d never get rich at that but it might just pay for a few matches where I could visit other clubs. Right now I can hardly afford to travel to the supermarket. I have about three or four years before my grandsons are able to help with my proposed business. Have to kind of easse them into it, don’t want them fooling around with molten lead alloys too young.

    You should not visit my blog unless you like bullets, grandkids, dogs, right wing politics and the joys of aging. Oh, and the odd entry about cooking.

  27. On July 20th, 2011 at 10:05 am E3 Says:

    No business cards in this drink! PROBLEM SOLVED.

  28. On July 20th, 2011 at 10:44 am Nancy P Says:

    Damn it! I was going to send you a dm and ask that you follow my blog. Then I remembered I don’t have a blog.

  29. On July 20th, 2011 at 11:29 am KellyRobin Says:

    Ewwww….way to discourage a girl, Aunt Becky. I’m new to this blogging thing (read: I started a whole one day ago! Woo!) Are there just ass-loads of douchy people out there to have to mingle with? I don’t do douchy people with grace. Certainly not with your grace.

  30. On July 20th, 2011 at 4:15 pm Kelly Says:

    Your new blog layout is so fancy! I love it. I’m gonna get you a sippy lidded, pimp cup with your name on it. That way no one else can fuck up your cocktail.

  31. On July 20th, 2011 at 4:30 pm Luna Says:

    It is becoming increasingly obvious to me that there are a great number of bloggers who suck at RL social networking!

    p.s. You’ll love my blog. Please both read it and link to it regularly.

    p.p.s. This was double fun because the first part of my comment was restating what you said in the first place. I just love those comments on my blog. The one you should totally read and link to.

  32. On July 20th, 2011 at 9:32 pm MamaRobinJ Says:

    I HATE that. At least the DM from me was about something totally awesome.

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