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The Devil Is In The (Metallic) Details


A couple of nervous breakdowns later, and after I realized that the July Birthday Curse would likely strike again, I figured I needed to come up with a Plan B for my birthday.

(for those of you unfamiliar with the July Birthday Curse, I imagine that it’s very similar to the Middle of December Birthday Curse, in that it SOUNDS like it’s a lovely time to be born, until you realize that no one is actually around to celebrate it with you, ever because something else is always going on. Or maybe it’s just me and no one likes me. Which is entirely possible.

Plus, you never get to bring cuppity-cakes to school, which is kind of like torture when you’re a kid and those things MATTER, yo.)

Vegas is going to wait until Fall or Winter because I’ll be dipped in pigshit before I roll over and accept that my birthday doesn’t need to be celebrated with a BIG ASS PARTY with my friends and glitz and glamor or maybe just Vegas (hint, hint, you’re all invited, Pranksters).

So Plan B was to go shopping, which sounds about as thrilling as dry toast, I know, but it was very necessary. Like half of The Internet, I’m going to that big thing in NYC in a couple of weeks, and thanks to a couple of children and a disappearing then slooooooowly reappearing waistline, I’m stuck in the limbo of What The Fuck Size Am I, Anyway? hell.

But I am a vain bitch, and even though this is a WRITING conference, which means that I should show up in what I when I write, which is no pants, I figure that public decency laws dictate I try and find something to swaddle my dimply butt. And rather than just shrug my shoulders, estimate, and order online, which is what I’d normally do when I’m too damn busy to drag the crotch parasites to the mall, I knew I’d have to face the fully dressed masses and try on clothes.

Nothing better to celebrate my 30th year than to face a little public humiliation, right?

So, after already tapping out H&M, where I’d decided what I’ve always thought about H&M: there are some semi-cute things in the piles of hideousness, I returned to Mecca. The Homeland. The Place Where Everyone Pretends To Know My Name To Separate Me From My AMEX.


And first, upon entering, I see what is sure to be full of the win!

Their Free People line, which is highly adorable, funky, and sequined. I make a beeline for it, and just as I pick up something like this…

I glance to the price tag. For something that I was planning to use SPECIFICALLY for the conference, because I do not intend to be this fat for much longer, I certainly am not about to spend $140.

Plus, and even more discouraging, there’s absolutely no room for el boobs. My children, who have also left me with some wicked grey hair, have also given me a considerable rack. This shirt runs to a Medium, and is designed for a waif.

My feelings are immediately crushed and I nearly cried into the shirt until the hovering salesperson snatched it from my hand.

So, Free People, you are dead to Your Aunt Becky (and sweet JESUS it hurts me to write that).

Figuring I’d probably have a better time in the Women’s Department, I headed upstairs, marveling at how much shopping at Nordies made me feel home again and how fucking HAPPY I was to be out of MATERNITY clothes. No more elastic-waisted pants for me, I cried to myself as I rode the escalator upstairs! No more clothes designed by tent-makers!


I nearly leapt off the escalator as I reached the Floor Of Women’s Stuff and looked around happily. Certainly, HERE I’d find some of the clothes I could wear!

As I made my way jubilantly around the loop, I kept looking for the section that would scream, “It’s Aunt Becky, Bitch!” as I passed the row of formal dresses (oh hail no), the row of plus sizes, and the row of yachting clothes (um, I’m on a motherfucking boat?). There were business clothes, pant suits, and Ralph Lauren as far as my eye could see.

Finally, I stopped at the William Rast (Justin Timberlake’s clothing line) display and stared, open mouth in horror.

Where the fuck were all the clothes I would buy?

Sensing my plight, a twig of a girl popped over to me and asked if she could help me and before I could stop myself I blurted out, “Where the hell are all the non-butt-ugly clothes?”

She didn’t laugh, she stared at me, confused.

I backtracked, because she clearly didn’t understand. “I mean, NONE of these look like ANYTHING I’d want to wear. I need SOMETHING to wear.”

She laughed uncomfortably as she led me to what she called the more “youthful” section. Apparently “youthful” is all in context, because I couldn’t see someone under 65 wearing anything she showed me.

It was all wooden embellishments:

Or metal studs:

I was aghast.

I got out of maternity clothes and got back into normal clothes so I could look like a wanna-be biker or a pseudehippie? My PARENTS were real hippies, and I’ll swear, Pranksters, hippies don’t spend $80 on a tank top.

Dejectedly, mumbling about the “good old days” I made my way over to Anthropologie and bought some hair clips to comfort myself.

Here’s hoping the 80’s fashion resurgence passes soon. And those damn kids get off my lawn. I have some Murder She Wrote to watch.

112 Comments to

“The Devil Is In The (Metallic) Details”

  1. On July 19th, 2010 at 10:58 am Tiaras Says:

    funny – and SO fricking true! There is a pink ruffle shirt at Kohl’s similar to the one above for like $22 right now(check the jr section)

  2. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:27 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. I’ll check the ruffle-shirt at Kohl’s but I have no illusions it’ll fit my gigantic knockers.

    P.S. I need a boob reduction.

  3. On July 19th, 2010 at 3:03 pm Kristin Says:

    No, you are voluptuous. I need a boob reduction.

  4. On July 19th, 2010 at 10:30 pm TeDiouS Says:

    Since moving from Canada to the UK, I have yet to find a place to shop that is actually my style. The fashion here right now is not made AT ALL for my 34F chest..and even if I could fit my boobs into most of it, I STILL wouldn’t wear it. I resorted to buying a maxi-dress for a friend’s wedding this past weekend, because it was the only thing I could get my chest into. Gotta say, seriously comfy, but so not me.

    Found ONE store here, called All Saints, which is absolutely perfect for me. I would wear everything in it, happily. BUT!! 55 pounds for a tshirt ON SALE!!! That’s almost a hundred dollars. For a tshirt. I am not made of money.

    I have decided I will have to spend my entire life on one of England’s nude beaches…

  5. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:39 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Nude beaches would be RIGHT up my alley. Or, I could invest in some serious duct tape and tape up the girls, I guess.

  6. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:03 am Barbara Says:

    Clothes seriously are butt ugly nowadays. Ed Hardy?? no thank you.

  7. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:26 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Ed Hardy should be banned. From life.

  8. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:04 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Wait, are you saying that my deep, abiding love of Murder, She Wrote makes me an old woman?


    Oh, wait, I see it.

  9. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:26 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Well, I am addicted to Law And Order: Let’s Depress You Heavily, so, uh, I have no legs to stand on.

  10. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:07 am Christine Says:

    There is a lot of wood in clothes this summer.. (Hey, that sounds dirty, but seriously). Why would anyone want bulky wood on their neckline (again, dirty!) I don’t get it. Good luck.

  11. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:25 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It’s just BUTT UGLY. It reminds me of things that my 80-year old teachers wore when I was a kid.

  12. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:07 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    Is it bad if I actually kinda like that wooden embellishment tank? Not for $80 mind you. Or is it bad that the cardigan I’m wearing has a wooden bead embellishment? Or is it the fact that I’m wearing a cardigan? Shit.

  13. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:25 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Cardigans are good. Wood embellishments aren’t my scene. But you know, I also am not known for my fashion choices. See also: my belt with (our) name on it.

  14. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:09 am Lauren Says:

    Dude, check out Kohl’s and JCPenney. For serious! They have tons of shit and that’s what I got a lot of my outfits for BlogHer as well as shit to wear so I don’t look like I’m still in maternity clothes.

  15. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:24 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I may have to try there because I’m pretty much about to wrap myself in a tarp. Which isn’t much different than the clothes for sale now. Actually, it’d be a FASHION STATEMENT!

  16. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:13 am BU Says:

    Yeah I’ve just about had it with the 14 year olds wearing skanky tight jeans and slotted sunglasses. We got rid of that shit 20 years ago, why the fuck would anyone bring that back?

  17. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:24 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It was ugly then and it’s STILL ugly now. I don’t get it. I really, really am confused by it. The Tweety Bird shirt at H&M made me weep. No, really, it did.

  18. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:16 am Zakary Says:

    Oh, I feel your pain. Which is why I only buy shoes and yoga pants and white tshirts.

    I HATE shopping. I would rather have a Pap Smear than go shopping.

    And I am so bummed I’m not going to NYC.

  19. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:23 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Maybe I can get away with wearing only yoga pants…

    Bitch, GO TO NYC. I’m FURIOUS GEORGE you’re not going this time!

  20. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:20 am Didactic Pirate Says:

    This reminds me of the time I went into Urban Outfitters to buy a T-shirt, and the saleschildren had Security escort me out for being too old.

  21. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:23 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s pretty much WHY I didn’t go into Urban Outfitters. I figured I’d be sneered at and after my Nordstroms trip, I couldn’t handle the rejection.

  22. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:55 pm Lisa Says:

    “saleschildren” best line so far.

    I was at Urban Outfitters 5 years ago (at the holy shit old age of 28) and my husband kicked me out – said we were too old to even look.

  23. On July 19th, 2010 at 10:32 pm Shin Ae Says:

    HA. My whole family (ages 42, 34, 9 & 7) tromped into Urban Outfitters a couple times recently. I felt like the saleschildren didn’t even know what to think.

  24. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:38 am Melissa Says:

    Damn, I still havent made it shopping yet, but I HAVE to go to the Nordie’s. I have like $150 in gift cards. Maybe I will just buy myself a shoe and then head to Kohl’s.

  25. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:43 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You should totally go for a shoe.

  26. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:44 am Andygirl Says:

    I have the opposite problem: no boobs, huge ass. shopping sucks. I know it.

  27. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:43 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I really did like to shop. I swear it! Hm. I need a boob job, I guess. That’s CLEARLY the only answer 😉

  28. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:57 pm Andygirl Says:

    when you do, send some of your boobs my way. I could use a little help in that department. 😀

  29. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:52 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Dude, for serious. I hate it. HATE!

    But yes, Kohl’s is awesome, especially their Clearance section. It’s so fabulous.

  30. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m, uh, not a fan of Kohl’s. I KNOW, string me up from the rafters, but it’s true. But you know, apparently I hate everything and everyone now because I’m an old person. THIS RULES!

  31. On July 19th, 2010 at 6:37 pm Kat Says:

    I’m not a fan of Kohl’s either. The ones by me have old lady clothes and teenage whore clothes. Once in a blue moon I can find something nice. But they have nice home goods, I usually do go there on Black Friday.

  32. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:07 pm Kat Says:

    I think I’m one of 2 people above the age of 21 that still shop at PacSun… Now that my ass is reduced to normal clothes and Lane Bryant isn’t my sole options that is. (I’m almost too small for them!!!!) But I work like a mile from an outlet mall, so I spend a lot of lunch hours there and pick stuff up for pennies on the dollar, and I don’t have to drag small children around w/me. Trying on clothes still sucks 90% of the time. 10% of the time, it rocks. The best and worst day of my life was when they put a Coach outlet store in. I now have some awesome bags, but I’m totally broke, LOL!

  33. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    If there was one around here, I’d go there.

  34. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:16 pm soccermom Says:

    At least your birthday isnt in the middle of freakin winter. No pool parties happin then.

    As for the clothes, I buy most of my stuff at the gap, or AE.

    It is sooo hard to find great stuff for decent prices now a days.

  35. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That makes me feel SO OLD, but it’s SO TRUE.

  36. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:21 pm a Says:

    Yeah, I think it was around 37 that I discovered that there were no clothes for people my age. I would like skirts to cover more than my crotch (and just barely, at that). I would like shirts that don’t cling to every fat roll I have. I’d like jeans that cover my ass crack when I bend over but don’t come up to the underside of my boobs. I don’t like elastic anywhere in my shirt hems. I guess I’ll just keep buying t-shirts at the Gap and returning them because they’re too tight, and then wearing the ones I bought ten years ago.

    Also, I wish I could still wear my maternity pants. Waistbands are overrated.

  37. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:41 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    According to the lady at the maternity store, PLENTY of non-pregnant people shop there. So, go ahead!

  38. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:23 pm a Says:

    Also, when did they subtract half the actual fiber content from shirts? Tissue t-shirt, my ass – that’s just manufacturers figuring out a new way to skimp on materials. The only place I can find a halfway normal t-shirt is in the activewear section!

  39. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:41 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I was horrified to notice that too! I mean, see through shirts are fine for da club, but a t-shirt? Why would I want you to see my bra?

  40. On July 19th, 2010 at 1:25 pm Emma Says:

    I thought that was just a uk problem! I love wearing White tops but can’t get one to wear while I’m volunteering in school because you can see bra!!

  41. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:30 pm Jackie Says:

    I feel your pain! There’s nothing out there that’s cute and doesn’t look like it’s made for my 14 yr old or for my grandma! And if I am lucky enough to find something it usually is to big or to small for me! ::sigh::: some day we’ll find that section of clothes that are perfect!

  42. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:40 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We should design clothes. That may be the ONLY way.

  43. On July 19th, 2010 at 1:59 pm Jackie Says:

    I think you’re right!

  44. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:37 pm Lindsey Says:

    This makes me a bit scared to go shopping for myself.
    Thanks for the heads up. I will stay in my tarp for the time being.

  45. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:40 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You’d probably make all the fashion people jealous with your incredible fashion sense!

  46. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:40 pm Deanna Says:

    I kind of like the cut of the wood tank, and the color, but perhaps beading might work better there. Or perhaps the clothing industry Ugly-Off competition can end and they can compete to make pretty clothes instead of the ugliest fucking thing you can imagine, because I’m pretty sure my like of that top is related to Stockholm Syndrome.

  47. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The top isn’t TERRIBLE, but the wood part, BLECH. BLECH. It’s all Stockholm right now. Any time I see something sorta cute, I’m all, ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG!!!

  48. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:40 pm Robin Says:

    Three words: New York and Company. 80% of my wardrobe is from this place, and the clothes aren’t nearly as expensive or horrible.

    Try it. 🙂

  49. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:56 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I completely forgot about New York and Company. You’re totally right. They DO have cute stuff.

  50. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:41 pm Rebecca Says:

    I have no idea what to suggest, except that I have good luck at Jc Penny’s….which some people say looks cheap, but they frequently have a $10 off a $50 purchase and that’s good, right?

  51. On July 19th, 2010 at 12:56 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I don’t think we have those around here anymore. We used to, though. Hm.

  52. On July 19th, 2010 at 1:10 pm Regina Says:

    I am a “full-figured gal” and am disgusted by my clothing choices. What’s with all the wood, or worse, sequins and beads? Why do shirts have to have giant ugly flowers all over them? And my biggest pet peeve, why do they put little cap sleeves on most of the tops available for plus sized women? Chances are that, like me, they are not rockin’ the Michele Obama arms, and who wants to see a big fat arm? Not me.
    I also have a larger waist, but thin legs and hips. Any pants that fit my waist look like fucking clown pants on me. Not all women are pear shaped- some of us are apple shaped. The only ones I found are the Right Fit pants at Fashion Bug. They are not real high quality, but fit really well. Thanks for letting me rant!

  53. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:40 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    ALL of the clothes look like that right now! And I laughed for about 10 minutes about the “big fat arm” comment because I SO get it. Really, I feel the same way.

    The cap sleeves look good on NO ONE. Honestly, NO ONE.

  54. On July 20th, 2010 at 2:33 pm Regina Says:

    Plus, it’s a big fat WHITE arm. Even worse. Bar albinos, there are few people whiter than me. To quote Woody Allen, “I don’t tan, I stroke.”.

  55. On July 19th, 2010 at 1:39 pm Meg Says:

    P.S. I would totally buy the ‘Shut Your Whore Mouth’ shirt. It pretty much made my day.

  56. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:41 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, tell me about it! I’m DYING to talk to my friend today about them. They’re going to be EPIC.

  57. On July 19th, 2010 at 1:42 pm pattypunker Says:

    i tried on no less than 25 dresses at nordstroms for blogher cocktail parties and finally i found one in my size that i love love loved! $325. this was a casual dress, mind you. are they fucking kidding me.

  58. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:41 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    No, dude, they’re NOT kidding you. At all.

  59. On July 19th, 2010 at 1:43 pm leanne Says:

    Oh, Becky… it’s almost like you were with me when I went shopping last Friday. I, too, braved the stores and tried stuff on. Finding pants or shorts to fit me (my waist, my hips, my legs) feels a bit like torture. I gave up on tops pretty quickly just ’cause of that butt-ugliness that seems to be in style right now.

    And now I’m ready to go back to shopping for my kids. Much, much more enjoyable. (also the girl clothes seem way cuter than what I can buy for myself.)

  60. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I would wear girl clothes…in my size. They’re SUPER cute. No! Wooden! Embellishments!

  61. On July 19th, 2010 at 1:52 pm Queen of the Rant Says:

    Todays fashion sucks, I hate skinny legged jeans, spandex and denim on denim eff off early 90’s fashion!

  62. On July 19th, 2010 at 4:16 pm Mary Says:

    I need a T-shirt that says “Fuck Spandex”. Loose fitting, if possible.

  63. On July 19th, 2010 at 10:45 pm TeDiouS Says:

    I want one that says “Leggings are not pants!”

    Seriously, cover your ass in those things, people. They are meant to wear UNDER skirts and long tunics, not with your tiny spandex tee. I am tired of looking at it…

  64. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:43 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I want both of those shirts.

  65. On July 20th, 2010 at 11:48 am Dora Says:

    YES! One of the secretaries in my office wears leggings like that. TO WORK IN AN OFFICE! She also wears dresses/tops with spaghetti straps and very short skirts. Seriously not office appropriate.

  66. On July 19th, 2010 at 2:27 pm Coleen Says:

    Does your boyfriend, Target, have anything for you? Some of the clothes are cute on occassion.

    I’m plus size AND pregnant – there is nothing cute for me to wear…

  67. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:44 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Does Lane Bryant run a clothes-for-pregnant women line? Or Old Navy? I always looked like Grimace when I was pregnant and pretty much lived in ONE pair of pants (that fit) and ugly shirts. BLECH. Maternity clothes. BLECH.

  68. On July 20th, 2010 at 1:08 pm Coleen Says:

    Lane Bryant used to have maternity clothes (when I was pregnant with my daughter), but discontinued it because of “lack of interest”. I was interested, dammit! Also, my daughter was born in January, and my son is now due in late September, so all those cute sweaters I had are not useful. Also, I was working full time then, so all the dress pants and button down shirts that I bought are out. AND, since I wasn’t thinking, almost every dress is polyester! I sweat just thinking about putting them on!
    At this point, I have one pair of shorts in 3 colors from JC Penney and one pair of shorts from Motherhood (whose plus size section is full of capri pants and horizontal striped shirts – because that’s what I need: to look both shorter and wider)

  69. On July 20th, 2010 at 1:31 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yeah, their plus size department, or what I saw of it, was SAD. Have you tried Old Navy? Their maternity stuff is pretty good.

  70. On July 19th, 2010 at 2:30 pm Dana Says:

    There seems to be some fashion vortex for the 30-50 crowd. Clearly, most of no longer have the “junior” shape, but those are the current styles. Visiting the woman’s department is reminiscent of playing dress-up in your grandmothers closet.

    Why will manufactures not make stylish, fitted clothes for the women who still care what they look like and have the money to actually spend??

  71. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:45 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It is SO just like my grandma’s closet. I’m waiting for the embroidered birds to come back. IF THEY HAVEN’T ALREADY.

  72. On July 19th, 2010 at 2:58 pm Amy B. Says:

    Love this!! And am right there in clothing hell with you!

    Haven’t commented before but wanted you to know that I’ve really been enjoying your blog in the past couple months I’ve been following. You’re smart, strong and a good writer. Keep it up.

  73. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:45 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Aw, thank you! That seriously cheered me up today (what, me depressed about clothing hell? OBVIOUSLY).

  74. On July 19th, 2010 at 3:06 pm Kristin Says:

    I feel your pain. Trying to find anything that fits my boobage (try a 40 L) is nigh to impossible.

  75. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:46 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m thinking duct tape for the girls may be the only way to go.

  76. On July 19th, 2010 at 3:45 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Ross. TJ Maxx. Goodwill. I am not kidding you.

  77. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:46 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    All good calls. We don’t have Ross up here, but we do have the other two. I may have to brave them.

  78. On July 19th, 2010 at 3:53 pm Amber El Says:

    When you find a good store with non-ugly, actually-fitting clothes, TELL MEEEE!! Im a fashion designers worst nightmare, what with an athletic build with an extra layer of post-baby chunk. and being 5’2”. and also having post-baby ginormoboobs. YEESH!

  79. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:47 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I still have the post baby gut. My baby is OVER a year old now and wow, it’s hot. WANNA MAKE OUT?

  80. On July 20th, 2010 at 11:08 am Amber El Says:

    OMG YES!

    My kiddo’s turning 2 next week, so I feel your pain, woman. This “Oh you’ll lose the weight in no time!” thing from my family was a liiiiiittle bit off.

  81. On July 19th, 2010 at 4:28 pm Mary Says:

    I have small breasts and a big ass. And I’m 5’2″. And in Florida, half the clothes they sell looks like Walt Disney vomited on them in Technicolor. I really can’t find a LBD. Or in my case, a not so little BD. I’m 57 and I don’t want to look like a teen-ager, but, hey, I’m not dead yet, either.

  82. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:47 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Apparently, we should be dressing like grandma now. W.T.F?

  83. On July 19th, 2010 at 4:40 pm Ally Says:

    I used to love Nordstrom, until my credit card and husband decided I didn’t. But I do love Nordstrom Rack and TJ Maxx. Yes, I have weed through the ugly crap, but I often hit the gold mine.

    However, I too am desperately waiting for the “current” styles to give up the 80’s throw backs. Blech. Gag. Yuck.

  84. On July 19th, 2010 at 5:02 pm Ann Says:

    So feeling your pain right now. I have to find clothes for job interviews and I’m in the same What the Fuck Size Am I hell. I, too, am usually an internet shopper – let’s see, go rub shoulders with a bunch of snotty weirdos who are all better dressed than I am, or sit on my couch with a fucking beer and a movie on while I shop? Anyway, there are a couple thrift stores in town that are well known for having business suits (blech – I have to pretend that I take myself seriously, or something) so while I was exploring those I came to realize that my post-partum-non-existent-abs are like a size 14, while the rest of me is an 8. Awesome!! But at least shopping at the thrift store allows me to not feel crappy about spending money on clothes I hopefully won’t be fat enough to wear for much longer, because they don’t cost much money at all. Also, most of the people there are definitely not better dressed than me, so I don’t have to fight off any sort of social-inferiority complex.

    Although I have had a couple people recommend Kohl’s to me, so y’know, if you don’t feel like coming to visit me and going thrift store diving together, maybe it’s worth checking out.

  85. On July 19th, 2010 at 5:13 pm Sara @ Life With the Two Says:

    This is the exact same reason I can list everything I have purchased for myself to wear in a very short list.

    3 pairs of Levis from the Misses section (because skinny jeans only look cute on 16 year old girls who look like they need to eat a cheeseburger, and even then it’s a stretch.)

    8 plain tank tops from Old Navy

    2 cardigans from Old Navy (one white, one purple)

    and one beige skirt (from Old Navy)

    That is IT. I cry when I see teens these days. The 80s clothes weren’t really that fun to wear, IN THE 80s, so it makes me sad to see them again.

  86. On July 19th, 2010 at 5:20 pm Sara @ Life With the Two Says:

    In the last year that is.

  87. On July 19th, 2010 at 5:28 pm AmyBlam Says:

    Dude, I could qualify as a professional shopper-I’m very multi-talented like that. ANYHOO did you go to Macy’s and check out there INC line? Some of their pieces are too trendy but I usually find cute dresses.
    Also-Donna Morgan manages to make refined matte jersey dresses that are cute AND comfy and can easily be dresses up and down depending on your footwear choice.
    And I love me some Ann Taylor and J Crew-both are having sales right now btw. Of course, I am currently pissed at J Crew for cruely sending me a 20% off sale coupon AFTER I ordered shit.
    Will you PLEASE, please tell me the attire for parties. In my Friday Flip-Offs this week I flipped off the what to wear portion of the Blogher Conference Guide. It was so unhelpful it scored a negative.

  88. On July 19th, 2010 at 5:32 pm AmyBlam Says:

    Also? What the fuck? What to you mean HALF the internet is going to blogher? I only know of like 3 people going. Errr, wait…maybe they just don’t want to hang out with me. I often cause spectacles and stuff. Hrrumph.

  89. On July 19th, 2010 at 5:52 pm Kimmm Says:

    I wholeheartedly agree that fashion designers seem to abandon women in their late 20’s/30’s. I am a big fan of Lucky Brand clothes. Very cute/hip tops and I like to buy their stuff when it’s on sale/clearance at Macy’s. Marshall’s can also have great stuff sometimes. I, myself have trouble finding shoes at times, being a size 11. Sometimes only tranny shoes are available. If you want a good laugh, check out the most hideous shoes in the clearance section in size 11.

  90. On July 19th, 2010 at 6:09 pm Chibi Jeebs Says:

    I feel yer pain, Bex. Can I call you Bex? OOPS, TOO LATE!

    We have two weddings to attend: one is in October, so I *may* be able to shed enough of this awful offal to squeeze into the (very cute) dress in my closet; unfortunately, the other one is in, ohhhh THREE WEEKS. So! I’ve been perusing the plus sized websites. Apparently when you’re “womanly sized,” you either want to wear a muumuu reminiscent of Aunt Mildred’s couch, OR you wanna look like some kind of dirty cartoon hooker whore. Christ on a bike. I’m calling in dead.

  91. On July 19th, 2010 at 6:12 pm blueviolet Says:

    Now had you tried those on, you would have seen that you could pull it off with pinache!

  92. On July 19th, 2010 at 6:40 pm beczhang Says:

    Dude I know how you feel about hideous clothes and having to contain your ginormous knockers. I feel like I should wear turtlenecks all the time so I don’t have inappropriate cleav when I am out with the kid.

  93. On July 19th, 2010 at 6:59 pm katrina Says:

    I agree, those styles were bad enough the first time around…it’s all just a wasteland of butt-ugliness. very sad….but you made me snort at the thought of you plunking the keyboard ….sans pants.

  94. On July 19th, 2010 at 7:41 pm MommyNaniBooboo Says:

    I was just complaining to the twitterverse today- wondering who sewed leg warmers to sandals and called it in style? This whole half sandal, half boot thing is NOT COOL.
    I too am waiting for the 80’s influence to go away.
    Is everyone stupid, or am I turning into an old lady- “I don’t get what kids are wearing nowadays.”

    PS- Wood does not an embellishment make.

  95. On July 20th, 2010 at 11:48 am Dora Says:

    OMG! Those are hideous!

  96. On July 19th, 2010 at 7:52 pm Hi, I'm Natalie. Says:

    WHY did all the other moms get boobs when they had babies?? *pouting*

    (You should absolutely splurge on an outfit that you may only wear a couple of times. Because it will make you feel as fabulous as you ARE. But I have no suggestions for finding clothes that will fit someone blessed with boobs. But there has to be somewhere out there??)

  97. On July 19th, 2010 at 7:57 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    Oh, Aunt Becky, I hear you loud and clear on this one. I, too, went on the search for the Holy Grail of Outfits. It does not seem fair to have birthed children, finally work out enough to not wear maternity clothes, only to find there is little out there for us to wear. I can’t wear pants with a 3 inch zipper, for Christ’s sake already! And some of those shorts out there look like the new Huggies denim diapers.

    Hmm, maybe I’ll join you in watching Murder She Wrote. Can we watch Matlock after that, too?

  98. On July 19th, 2010 at 8:23 pm MommaKiss Says:

    That black one with the metal thingies? Would totally hide hard nips in the cold AC that bombards conference rooms.
    Just sayin’

  99. On July 19th, 2010 at 8:33 pm mumma boo Says:

    I feel your pain, love. If it ain’t made by Lee, St. John’s Bay (at JC Penney) or Lands End, I can’t wear it. And even SJB runs to the grannyish side. Bah. Shopping sucks.

  100. On July 19th, 2010 at 9:11 pm Heather Says:

    Oh, there was this one episode of Golden Girls where Blanche wore this totally AWESOME outfit that was all peach and flowy and layery and peach, and she had boobs, so you could go with something like that.

    Or then there’s your other option, which is Banana Republic. Clothes built for adults.

    And dude, what’s with all the Kohl’s and JCPenney love around here? I find it shocking.

  101. On July 19th, 2010 at 10:01 pm Caron Says:

    I’m with the JCPenney crowd. They seem to get it: not everyone wants to look like they were dressed by the Olsen twins either then or now. Nor do I need to show my girls. A few years ago, JCP went butt-ugly and I didn’t go back for about two years. I spent most of my time buying old Ann Taylor (whose clothes can also run ugly) at secondhand stores. Happy to report I was in JCP 2 months ago and did not vomit.

    I was in Walmart the other day and I couldn’t help but stare at some women’s chest. It was all RIGHT THERE and I actually thought it would be fun if she asked me what I was staring at because I totally wanted to say I thought that was what she was aiming for. It was like a wreck. I couldn’t avert my gaze.

  102. On July 19th, 2010 at 10:44 pm Becca Says:

    I often wonder the same thing because I would like cute gothy clothes, but everything looks like my grandma!! Dammit!!

  103. On July 19th, 2010 at 10:46 pm K Odell Says:

    I have realized that stores know when I am in my fat clothes and when I am in my skinny clothes. When I am fat, the only clothes that they make to fit me are turtlenecks and burkas- but all the skinny clothes are super-cute tailored clothes that benefit any body type. When I am skinny, the fat clothes are tailored and cute but the skinny clothes are either a bubble skirt or something pleather and cyclindrical. I have hips! I need more than an elongated tube top to wear.

  104. On July 19th, 2010 at 10:48 pm Shin Ae Says:

    Shopping hurts.

  105. On July 19th, 2010 at 11:35 pm Kristin Says:

    I hate to read this! I am so looking forward to a big shopping spree in a while (ok, ok in 41 days, yes, I AM counting down) and my fear is that I’m going to be stuck with three options:
    1 – mutton dressed as lamb…having to shop in the teeny boppers area
    2 – Golden Girls wannabe…coz the stuff in the “women’s” section has always sucked but I don’t understand how those shows like “What Not to Wear” CAN find cute clothes there sometimes
    3 – same ol same ol or nothing at all…nothing wrong with an Old Navy cotton T, right.

    shit. sigh.

    I’m 40. I don’t want to pretend to still be in high school and I don’t want to be an old lady. I’m fabulous – where are my clothes?

  106. On July 20th, 2010 at 2:32 am poosemommy Says:

    Ok, my answer has been the Faded Glory jeans from the men’s side at Wal-Mart. The Relaxed Fit works for a waist and hips (I have much ‘o both)
    You can choose the length that actually fits because men can choose pants that fit their waist and their height (how long has this been going on?!?) The bonus is I wear a 32X30 (5′ tall, tape measure says the old midsection is still at 34″) so I feel a little thinner than I actually am AND I pay about half as much for a pair. This works for khakis too, you just have to try them on and find out what size you are in that cut and that brand.
    As for tops, I have some luck at Wal-Mart and at Kmart for casual-type ladies’ tops (My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard) Land’s End, Belk’s, and sometimes Sears also have some cute tops. As for dresses, well I haven’t figured that out since they are all made for chicks who are 5’10” and 98 pounds…
    And yeah, to Hubby’s chagrin I am still sporting a couple of maternity tanks.

  107. On July 20th, 2010 at 7:04 am Heather Says:

    God yes! I would rather be shot than go shopping for clothes for myself. I’ve been to 6 different stores on 3 different occasions to find a pair of jeans to fit me that are semi-reasonably priced, and still have no new jeans. Gotta love short legs and a big butt…

  108. On July 20th, 2010 at 8:32 am Kate Says:

    Ok 1) I wish i was going to BlogHer but grad school and motherhood and my husbands 8th Iraq deployment has prevented that 🙁

    2)I feel you on the clothes! I am 6’1″ and a DD. Everything is either WAY too short or WAY too old or just UGLY! For some reason, because I am 23 I must want to look like a (smarter than average) streetwalker. If I dressed the way that I am apparently supposed to, it would be such a conversation starter at playgroup.

    3) I <3 you!!! I once asked where all the "non slutty" clothes were. I was directed to the "misses" department (hello old lady clothes! I'm 23, remember?!)

  109. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:24 am Megan Says:

    Becky- I totally feel your pain. I LOVE Nordies, but I’m realizing that I must just love the idea of the place because there is no section for people our age, of normal size, of normal bank holdings. Effing $200 tank tops?!?!? I agree with above comments that INC at Macy’s tends to be closer to what I would wear, but I still seldom pull the trigger on anything in that department. Express has some nice work shirts, tanks and cardigans but not always enough room for the boobage…I do not know how the deparement stores can manage to not have things for our demographic! Good luck!

  110. On July 20th, 2010 at 10:48 am Liavek Says:

    So I read this exactly one week after my birthday, and cried. And laughed. And cried, and laughed some more, ’cause you just EXACTLY said what I have been thinking for the past week and not sharing with anyone ’cause after all, I’m a big girl, with a kid and husband and loans and all, and FAR too mature to be having hissy fits about birthdays and the lack of real clothing for people like me … but it’s NOT a hissy fit, darn it, and no, even if I look late 20s I am so NOT, and I would not have bought that at age 20-odd, far less now at 40-plus! (end of Rant No. 1)

    (Deep breath) And another thing, this July curse, well, in my family it’s a June, July and August curse, 13 birthdays or anniversaries all in months when no-one is around or has other plans, and trying to do the “mature” thing and “Let’s all celebrate on one day together!”, yeah, right, bright smile through gritted teeth, ’cause the next battle will be which day and how close is the celebration to THE REAL DAY, so that I still feel birthday-y? (end of Rant No. 2)

    Sigh! But Happy happy birthday anyway, and yes, one day soon all those clothes will go back to the hellhole that spawned them! And we will NOT wait till July to buy their gorgeous replacements!

  111. On July 21st, 2010 at 2:47 pm Betty M Says:

    Agree on the 80s. I was there first time I am not doing it again. I am pretty much back to pre-pregnancy size (uk 12 so Us 8 maybe?) but now with size 32H boobs!! Try getting a dress that fits with that combo – impossible. We have the same problem here for anyone who is over 30 and not yet wanting to look like their granny.

  112. On July 22nd, 2010 at 9:01 am Kendra Says:

    Have you tried the store Hot Mama? I mean, it is totally “speaking of $80 tank tops” territory, but their clothes are really cute, and there’s something about the idea of “a store for hot moms” that’s attractive without being low-cut to your knees. Personally, I’m all about whatever’s on sale at Target, but my mom (seriously, I must require some kind of shopping intervention) recently bought me several blouses that give my boobs room to move around but miraculously aren’t muumuus. It’s something of a miracle. But I still sit here in my Target tank top. Because it’s hot, and I have big boobs, and a baby is just going to spit up on anything nice I wear anyway.

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