Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Daver Gets Knocked Up


‘Oh my God, LOOK at this! LOOK at my belly! I have FAT ROLLS up to my arm pit. Have you ever SEEN someone with fat rolls there?’

‘No baby. You look FINE.’

‘If you squeeze my belly button, it looks like a butt.’ (simulates farting noises) ‘That’s fucking disgusting.’

‘You’re weird. Seriously, you look FINE!’

‘LOOK at these rolls! WHO gets rolls like that?’ (pokes belly disgustedly)

(sighs) ‘You look wonderful, sweetie.’

‘NO, I DON’T! I look FAT!’

‘If you don’t stop pissing and moaning about it, I’m going to put a moratorium on you walking around without your shirt.’

‘But YOU distracted me from putting it back on. LOOK, I can’t see my belt! EWWWWW!’

‘You know, if all of your friends could see you right now, NO ONE would have any sympathy for you.’

‘Do YOU have any sympathy for me?’ (sniffs dramatically)

Aunt Becky: ‘Dude, I’m pregnant, what do YOU think?’

The Daver: ‘I’m fatter than you and YOU’RE pregnant! LOOK my belly is BIGGER THAN YOURS’

Aunt Becky: ‘You know full well that I’ve lost weight.’

(interrupts) ‘And now you’re skinnier than me!’

Aunt Becky: ‘But I’m going to put it right back on soon.’

The Daver: ‘And I’m STILL gonna be fatter than you!’

(buries head in hands)

Aunt Becky: ‘I cannot believe I’m having this conversation. I suddenly understand men everywhere in a whole new way.’

The Daver: ‘I’m gonna go take a BUBBLE BATH! I’m too upset to deal with you right now.’

(flounces off upstairs.)

2 Comments to

“The Daver Gets Knocked Up”

  1. On December 13th, 2009 at 10:27 pm OperatorGirl Says:

    LOL!! I think I married a clone of The Daver! We had a conversation that was very similar to this when I was pregnant (like 7 months pregnant).

  2. On January 15th, 2011 at 7:26 am Jolie Says:

    I absolutely LOVE this post. My hubby gained “sympathy” weight with me when we were having our first and we would compare who stuck out farther. I won eventually!! WOOO! This post is awesome writing in it’s finest. THANK YOU!
    and yes, I am slowly working my way from the beginning of all of your posts. I never liked dolls growing up either, and have a girl who owns a handful of barbies and lots of baby dolls – the ones with the “lullaby” eyes disappear to the closet though, I draw the line. :o) Amelia is turning 2, you wait girl, just wait. <3

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