Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Closest I Will Get To Having A Penis Of My Own


In a stunning fit of anal-retentiveness rivaled only by the time I found Bath and Body Works doing a 5 for 10 sale on antibacterial soap, I went through my blog roll the other day when I was having a particularly dreary, maudlin day. I don’t know if you have one, a blog roll, I mean, not a maudlin day, because, let’s face it, I think that emo music exists for a REASON, but blog rolls are a total annoyance.

I’ve operated thus far, as you can, by the length of it, tell, under the assumption that they are worth the hassle of upkeep of it. But, when I update it, I inevitably delete someone by accident. Mainly because I am stupid and also because I am dumb.

SO. Here is your chance, my band of merry pranksters, so gather ’round Aunt Becky’s knee: please, if you care to, go to the side bar, and click on the link for “Aunt Becky’s Band Of Merry Pranksters” (I’d link to it, but it gives YOU a dead link if I do that because of the aforementioned stupidity on my end). IF you are not listed AND you are a friend of mine (you comment here, you have me on your blogroll, etc, etc, you make me cookies, I wash your car for you, we make out, whatever):


Do not leave it in a comment or I will forget it.

Currently I cannot remember the last time I gave Amelia Motrin for her fever, let alone to go back and try and piece together anything greater than two words. And I will obviously be too busy cross-stitching all of your comments to remember to add them to my blogroll. So shoot email to (at) gmail (dot) com or auntbeckyrules (at) gmail (dot) com.

(I’m always torn on the whole HAVING a blogroll thing. Is it worth it? I really don’t know.)


Some of the links that you have subscribed to are broken. I do not know what this means other than some of you that have subscribed via Google Reader or Bloglines have told me about this. I do not know what to do besides gnash my teeth and wring my hands and occasionally pace around the room.

I have been told that you can unsubscribe then REsubscribe and that fixes the problem. Beyond that, I am bewildered.


The first thing that I was told after I pushed Alex rather quickly from my nether bits was that he was “beautiful.” Upon first glance, I thought he kind of looked like a wet rat, and even after he was toweled off, I wasn’t entirely sure I was off base in my assessment. I didn’t CARE, mind you, what he looked like.

The older he got, the less rat-like he looked and the more frequently I was stopped by strangers so that they could admire my child. I never really thought of him as beautiful, in fact, the only adjectives I could think to describe Alex were “devilish” or “payback” because he wouldn’t let even his own father lay so much as a pinkie finger on his delicate ass without him screaming violently.

(as an aside: Alex is the only child of mine whom anyone has stopped–often–us for to comment on. When he was younger it was all.the.time. And I mean all.the.time. It’s not that I don’t think Alex is cute, he is, but…I don’t know, he’s not THAT cute.)

(As an aside TO the aside: If you are going to stop a family that has 2 children, one who is a baby and one who can not only walk and talk but is talking TO YOU, why don’t you fucking pay attention to that child instead of the fucking baby who hates you because you are not his mother and you’re in his face?

Poor Ben. Seriously, poor Ben.)

Alex was a Momma’s Boy.

A Momma’s Boy who, according to the people who stopped me as my son was dressed head to toe in blue, looked like he sported a vagina.

Alex Mullet

I may have a mullet because my mother refused to cut my hair, but I do not have a vagina, people. Thank you.

The other thing that I heard with such alarming regularity that it started to make me want to rupture my eardrum with a red hot poker is this: “WOW! He looks just like Dave.” Which, he does. Sort of.

After 9 months of pure pukey torture, 12 months of being attached at the nipple, the kid could have had the common courtesy to at least SORT OF look like his mother, you know?

But no. He doesn’t LOOK like me. But he IS me. From the tippy top of his hard headed I-will-get-my-fucking-way-if-it-kills-me down to his I-will-cut-off-my -nose-to-spite-my-face butt.

I didn’t KNOW that anyone on the planet could possibly be as stubborn as I am, but yes, Internet, I am here to tell you that not only it is possible, it is currently upstairs, refusing to say “I’m sorry” not because it is not sorry, but because I insisted upon it. Had I NOT insisted, he’d have done it, but because I had, he won’t.

Did you catch that?

If I say, “Hey Alex, you say, “THANK YOU, BEN,”” he will dig in his heels, and refuse. No length of time out will persuade him to do something that naturally he will do–it isn’t the thanking his brother part that he’s refusing, it’s because I told him to.

Dinner Time has become an equally shall we say hair-raising event, if “hair-raising” is code for “makes me desperately want to tongue a bottle of Nyquil” and then cry hysterically to someone who won’t just tell me “eventually, he’ll eat.” Because, wow, the kid is WILLFUL.

Alex, he used to be my eating child and it was so lovely after having a child with bona fide food issues relating to his autism. Ben would happily live on a steady diet of saltine crackers and lukewarm tap water and Alex would have–at some point in his life–eaten food that would sustain more than an ant.

No more, ickle grasshopper.

But Ben eats now, mostly, now that getting Alex to do anything he doesn’t want to do is akin to backing a wild boar against a metal wall, so we just choose our battles and remember that multivitamins, like beer, are God’s way of reminding us that he loves us and wants us to be happy.

While Dr. Spock would probably call this a “phase” and tell me that Alex will “grow out of it,” Alex and I both know this is pure bullshit. The only way Alex is going to change his nature is the only way I’ll change mine: traumatic brain injury. Which, God willing, won’t happen.

So, until then, Alex and I will put on our boxing gloves and get into the ring to fight to the bloody end every time we need to determine who gets the last packet of barbecue sauce.

Good thing I still outweigh the SHIT out of him.

74 Comments to

“The Closest I Will Get To Having A Penis Of My Own”

  1. On September 24th, 2009 at 8:42 am dubiousMa Says:

    Haha…I had to go back because at the end of this post, I was all “uh, dude, where’s the penis reference…that IS what I came for….” Sometimes I’m stupid and dumb too… I’m black. I’m fucked.

  2. On September 24th, 2009 at 8:56 am Maniacal Mom Says:

    He it too Cute!

  3. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:21 am SciFi Dad Says:

    You realize that your post with the word “penis” in the title opens with the word “anal” in the first 10 words, right? And then you go on to discuss that your son is “pretty”.

    And then you complain about Uncle Pervy. 😉

  4. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:42 am amanda Says:

    My blogroll is only for that drivel that I enjoy. I like other peoples lives. Does that make me a voyeur? I hope so.

  5. On September 24th, 2009 at 8:47 am Dana Says:

    Out of my 4 I have 2 of these type-children. At 9 and 5 they have yet to ever, ever, ever give in on ANYTHING, ever. I am sure these are the children who grow up to be in prison on hunger strikes….or monks who light themselves on fire…2 really weird images to have. Wondering which one of my kids would look best in an orange jumpsuit and who likes it hot?

  6. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:50 am Heather Says:

    It’s really funny because I know when I have kids, that at least ONE of them will be like this because I am just like that!

    So, umm, should I just stop if I get one child who will do whatever I say?

  7. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:54 am Kelly Says:

    Ewwww. It pisses me off so much when people drool all over themselves about how cute my 9 month old is, and then ignore my 4 and 7 year olds. The baby is cute, but why emotionally scar my other two so that you can say it for the hundredth time? It is family that does this, not just strangers. You’d think that adults would have more sense than that, but you’d be wrong. I, too, get the “he looks just like his daddy”. You should’ve named him Jr. He looks nothing like you. Which is really bad after they just told you how cute he is.

  8. On September 24th, 2009 at 8:58 am Avitable Says:

    I got rid of my blogroll almost two years ago. I see absolutely no benefit to having one.

  9. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:00 am Kori Says:

    Oh, I relate-I had Owen, who popped out looking like his dad, and I have even have TOTAL strangers stop me in the store (can you say small town in whch Steve grew up? He fucking knows everyone!) and say, “Oh, that HAS to be Steve’s son.” um, yes, but he is mine, too, as should be evidneced by the fact that he is hanging off one boob and I am fat and weepy and have dark circles under my eyes and I STILL can’t sit without the damn donut thingy and…yes, good times.

  10. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:01 am Hilly Says:

    I totally wiped my blogroll earlier this year in an emo rage. Yes indeedy, I got drunk one night and said “screw this reciprocal crap” then got crazy.

    Sadly, that is what I consider to be “crazy” these days.

  11. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:02 am Kelly Says:

    Mea likes to dig in her heels too. Sometimes, over the dumbest things ever. I have to remind myself, she’s only 3, she’s only 3, she’s only 3. She’ll grow out of it, before puberty, I hope….

  12. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:02 am @marymac Says:

    Proud to be a member of your merry pranksters. Agree on the whole ‘blogroll’ debate if for no other reason than that I think by now I have probably pissed off enough people on my own blogroll that they don’t even link to me anymore and I would love to snicker with satisfaction at ‘deleting them back’ but I am too lazy to go thru the blogroll and see if they still link to me. I haven’t even had a SHOWER yet today. So, thanks that you still link and omg your son is gorgeous…my thinking on the whole resemblance thing is that when my four kids all came out looking like my husband, I was glad it was him they looked like. Heh!

  13. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:08 am ainebegonia Says:

    I was that type of child and of course the mother’s curse “may you have a child just like you” hit me hard. I had my oldest and thought I had escaped the curse because she was sweet and well behaved like my sister (the one I lke), then my second child was born – a ball of energy, a social butterfly and willing to speak her mind to ANYONE (including telling a stranger at a bus stop that he was going to die because he wasn’t wearing a bicycle helmet & then telling a mother she was bad for smoking by her child), she was my mother. It was the third child who was just like me. Stubborn, willful, untrusting of adults, scoffing at authority. This is the child who when she was told she was “too small to be in kindergarten” by an older child, she responding by slugging said older child. She also looks like me, but with redder hair. I didn’t realize how much she looked like me until we were visiting my sister and brother and my kids were looking at pictures they had on the wall and asked where their aunt got that picture of Jub. It was a picture of me. As if having a child with my temperment wasn’t enough, my fourth (and last, thank jeebus) child was born with my temperment AND my insomnia. Lovely, just lovely.

  14. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:09 am ainebegonia Says:

    Oh and personality is not something you grow out of, trust me, I’m still that willful child

  15. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:12 am melanie Kerton Says:

    both my kiddos look lots like my husband, it is a little insulting that we go through all that work and they show no outward evidence of our DNA, I damn near demanded a paternity test!

    At the risk of being *that* mom who keeps bringing up having a child with the hemangioma, I was stopped all the time to tell me how adorable my first born was (the hemangioma-free child) my daughter looks just like a more petite version of him and yet sadly no one stops me to tell me how adorable she is, their first reaction is to see the smaller than a dime hemangioma on her forehead and make comments like “oh what a shame, she WOULD have been so cute” WTF?

  16. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:23 am MamaSkates Says:

    yay – i’m already on the blog roll! & yes, that’s 1 HUGE roll!

    people have always stopped us & continue 2 do so…it used 2 b 2 comment on how handsome Jaden was – then he grew up…now it’s the girls – not only how beautiful they r, but that they must b twins?! they’re only 15 months apart & yes, have the same skin tone & dark hair…but IMO, they look NOTHING alike! even when strangers stand there & stare & examine them, they still insist they could b twins…nevermind that Gabby is almost a full foot taller – or that their faces r so not the same…ugh! Corinn doesn’t mind so much – she’s the younger 1…but Gabrielle HATES it! she’s the BIG sister & she wants ppl 2 recognize that they r indeed different – she’s her own person dammit!

    i know ppl mean well, but hello – notice Ben – he’d like some attention too…& when u find out my girls rn’t twins, believe me & move on!

  17. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:28 am Sara @ Life with the Two Says:

    I have two of those. And all the shit thrown off my bedside table to prove it, at the moment.

    I feel you dude. Come drink with me! (I have found it is not as taboo here for a momma to have a glass of wine once the kiddies are in bed. And with the wine selection? I may never leave!)

  18. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:36 am Notesfromthegrove Says:

    I remember the day you added me to your blogroll. I think I shit rainbows for the next week.

    And P.S. You really do have the freakin’ cutest kids EVER!

  19. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:41 am Kristin Says:

    He is adorable.

    Blog rolls are worth it if, and only if, they change order and the blogs with new posts get bumped to the top. I use the blogger widget to do that but I think bloglines does the same thing.

  20. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:48 am Stone Fox Says:

    ahh.. if you’ve read my blog, you know that i am CLEARLY not qualified to give advice about kids. i will, however, say that your daughter alex is just beautiful! why do you keep dressing her in blue? i don’t get it?

    when my oldest was born i thought he was absolutely the most beautiful baby in the entire world. no baby, ever, was as aesthetically pleasing as my kid. looking back now at pictures of his first 5 months.. wow. not so much beautiful, more like a chubby bulldog. after six months, then we’re talking *gorgeous*

  21. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:52 am a Says:

    When I had my daughter, one of the floor nurses came in while the baby was in the room, gave her a cursory glance and said “cute baby.” I said “Well, we think so, but I’m sure you say that to all the new moms.” She said, “No. If they’re not cute, I say they’re precious. Yours is cute.” People have always stopped me to tell me how cute she is. I know she’s cute – she looks just like me. 🙂 Unfortunately, since she looks just like me, she will also have to endure that 10 year long awkward stage where she is definitely NOT CUTE in her braces and baby fat.

    The problem is, however, that she acts JUST LIKE HER FATHER! He likes to blame her stubbornness on me. (Last night, the charmer told me that I’m stubborn, but he is competitive and doesn’t like to lose. Nice euphemisms – I know English waaay better than he does – I don’t know why he thinks he can sell me this kind of b.s.) She also picks up those things that I do not want her to pick up. So, the other day, when she told me to “be quiet, idiot” I was so proud. Oh well, at least she hasn’t dropped the f-bomb. Yet. Also, she has taken my “we don’t say shut up” to heart. Progress. And she’s not even 3.

  22. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:53 am a Says:

    Also…I would have talked to Ben!

  23. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:57 am Venti Vixen Says:

    You Alex sounds a lot like my son, but my kid looks exactly like me and acts exactly like me. Poor thing.

    And what is with all the people who see the little boy in blue from head to toe and say, “OH, SHE’S so beautiful!”

  24. On September 24th, 2009 at 9:58 am Allie Says:

    My three boys ALL look exactly like their father. Except for the devilish grin that they got from me. But the blonde haired blue eyed babes that they are can all be denied by me (and I have on occasion). Now my attitude apparently carried on to two of them. One is is 4’4″ and a little over a foot away from being as big as Mommy and that scares the begeezes out of me. The other, still in diapers, scares me for the heck of it.

  25. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:00 am cara Says:

    My oldest can be the same way, but she gets it from her Daddy. Somehow I feel jilted for being the agreeable child and having to pay for my husbands willfull ways.

  26. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:01 am excavator Says:

    Um. He is beautiful. WOW!

  27. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:03 am joann Mannix Says:

    First time commenter here, although I’ve been reading your wonderful blog for months, since I first discovered it.

    I have 3 girls and the oldest 2 are polar opposites. My 1st daughter is very shy and stubborn as the day is long. When she was small and we were out in public she would become very somber and even more introverted, only really comfortable in her own surroundings. (She is now a college girl and has grown out of her shell quite wonderfully.) But when she was small, so many times, people would say, “She seems so sad.” Or “She’s so serious.” It used to drive me crazy. Then my second girl came along- a chubby little peanut baby with sapphire eyes and this outgoing little spirit from the minute she was born. People would ooh and aah over her wherever we went, mainly because she was waving and saying hi to everyone in her path. My oldest, right next to her, was usually ignored. I would become the obnoxious parent and say to the offender, “And this is her big sister, Olivia.” It usually worked.

  28. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:04 am deb Says:

    Ok seriously? He was a BEAUTIFUL baby. All your babies are gorgeous. Your doing something right. Stealing them from someone else maybe?

    I would have taken strong willed over lack of common sense any day. Do you know how disturbing it is to have a kid who is so much smarter than you (shut up) and yet would still do something like stick a knife in the toaster to get the english muffin out? While it’s plugged in!!
    Jesus lord, the smart ones are stupid.

  29. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:08 am Coco Says:

    I’m sorry, I’m still stuck on the part where you talk about other people possibly making out with you. Because I thought I was special.

  30. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:15 am Mo Says:

    Scrawled on a bathroom wall in a high school where i taught last year: Emo is over. You can all go home now.

    They lie.

    Also, I relate to the stubborn-kid-syndrome. Outright refusal of my requests, just because am asking. Around dinner time, I can’t decide whether to poke my eyes out with forks or to be proud that she’s JUST LIKE ME.

  31. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:25 am Nyx Says:

    fight the good fight.

    and I have to admit…I’m guilty of confusing the sex of a baby. Er…child.

    I thought it was a girl. Who knew the 5 year old with long hair and a yellow shirt and jeans was a boy? Whoops. My bad. In my defense, that hair was LOOONG. Like…ass-length long.

    Your kids are cute. One might even say they are adorable. Precocious, even. Just wait until they figure that out.

    Good luck with that.

  32. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:30 am kbrients Says:

    Sam is my pretty child. He was mistaken for a girl many a time when he was earlier– Sadly, his little pout will get him what he want every time.

  33. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:31 am Beautiful Mess Says:

    I think, BOTH Ben and Alex are cute. And of course Amelia, too. If I were to stop you, I’d ask for an autograph and THEN tell you all the kids are cute. I’m nice like that ;o)

    I am not cool enough to have a blogroll. I just use my beloved Reader. Maybe I’ll ask my resident geek who pimps my blog for me about it. I will NOT touch my blog without her consent. She’s done too much work on it for me to go and fuck it up. Which, I’ll likely do.

  34. On September 24th, 2009 at 11:32 am Becky Says:

    I wish I had a similar story (Ok, yeah, I really don’t) so I could relate and tell you how we solved the problem short of blunt force trauma to the head, but I don’t. Sorry. Sort of. A little. Maybe.

    I can empathize with you, I can keep the vodka stocked, I can even drink with you. Other than that, I got nothing. Sorry. (For realz this time.)

  35. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:32 am Jenn Says:

    1. Do you actually READ that many fucking blogs. Holy shit batman.
    2. People always stopped me when I had Monkey with me but not with Boo. Monkey is also just like his mother in personality but looks just like his father. Kind of funny, that.
    3. Alex really IS (and was) that cute. Seriously.
    4. I’m going to level with you. Alex probably won’t ever “just eat” but you may as well forget about it. Not worth the hassle. My husband tries to MAKE our kids eat and the only thing that ever accomplishes is to piss them off. So we’ve now learned (the hard way) to make whatever we want and if they eat, they eat. If not, too fucking bad for them, I guess. (I’m a mean mommy.)

  36. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:41 am Daffodil Campbell Says:

    Oh, beautiful, beautiful boys…..John Lennon wrote a song about them because they are just so…..beautiful.

    I had one too….and one day we were at the beach, and said beautiful boy was *naked* and some sweet lady STILL called him a girl. And trust me, even as a child, that was not a mistake easily made when he was unclothed. But I felt weird saying “Actually ma’am, he has a penis, ergo….not a girl.” so I just smiled and walked my furious toddler away as he shouted over his shoulder “I NOT A GUWL. I A MAXIE BOY.” Which, come to think of it, may have muddied the waters.

  37. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:58 am Aunt Juicebox Says:

    I think all your children are cute. People just like babies, that’s all.

    My poor little niece actually had a girl in her Kindergarten class last year ask her if she was a girl or a boy (despite wearing a uniform JUMPER, hello, how’d that kid even make it into Kindergarten) because she likes superheroes better than princesses.

  38. On September 24th, 2009 at 10:58 am leanne Says:

    My son looks like his daddy. Not me. I’m okay with that. He’s got my personality though. Which has its ups and downs. But he’s got his daddy’s devilish grin and humor.

    My daughter looks like a girly version of her brother (with a bit more me and my family mixed in).

    Both are cute (in my humble opinion), but usually any comments from strangers have been about how well-behaved my son is. And in public, he usually is. At home, different story. He really is a Gemini. Just like his mama.

    Oh, and I dress my daughter in my son’s hand-me-downs sometimes. For going out in public, I try to stick with gender neutral or I’ll put her into the girly stuff she does have (‘Cause yeah, people would ask even when she was in pink). But for jammies, she wears got some lovely ones that say “All American Boy” on them. She can’t read yet. And until she cares what her jammies say, I’ll save my money. (mostly… I did buy one sweet butterfly jammie set)

    So Amelia has a fever? Hope she’s feeling better soon!

  39. On September 24th, 2009 at 11:59 am Chibi Jeebs Says:

    What email do I reply to in order to get in on this make out with Aunt Becky business?

  40. On September 24th, 2009 at 11:02 am Melanie Says:

    My son, Dylan, is this for me. He has the birthday I always wanted (mine is July 3rd and his is July 4th), he’s a BOY (and let’s face it, they have it easier in life), he’s super smart (I’m only smart) and at the end of the day those little cuddle hugs are the best thing on the planet.

  41. On September 24th, 2009 at 11:14 am amy d Says:

    DoooooD! I feel as though I have an Alex…one year behind. While we don’t have many food issues (yet) he is the most willful little boy I have ever seen. At 15 months he actually curses me out (in his giberish language of course) if he’s unhappy about something.

    The fact that he’s so quick to anger scares me a bit. But my husband is the most zen, laid back person in the world, so I’m hopeful all will be ok once he “gets” you can’t scream like a banchee just because I’m putting shoes on his feet! OY!

    Stay strong Bex! Don’t give in!

  42. On September 24th, 2009 at 11:26 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    My blog roll is mostly there for me. It’s just the blogs I love to read. I’m fairly sure most don’t link me back. I have it so when google reader is having fits I can still get to the blogs i love to read.

    Mayhem sounds like Alex, with the stubbornness and the not eating. Supposedly someday he will eat me out of house & home & the stubborn phase will pass. It’s been since birth on the stubbornness and 3 years for the not eating. I’m assuming they are permanent traits at this point.

  43. On September 24th, 2009 at 12:11 pm igster101 Says:

    cookies and making out? wow…

  44. On September 24th, 2009 at 1:38 pm Chris Mancini Says:

    When you have that many blogs it’s more than a roll, it’s a… loaf.

    PS. Please keep me on your blog loaf.

  45. On September 24th, 2009 at 1:55 pm Rebecca Says:

    You think it’s bad that your son looks like his father…..try having EVERY member of your family tell you just how much your son looks like your BROTHER! I swear it gets creepier every time. I don’t want my son to look like my dumb brother. He can look a little like me, and he can look like my husband….not. my. brother.

  46. On September 24th, 2009 at 1:07 pm baseballmom Says:

    god, my mom and i constantly wonder at the fact that my alex is soooo stubborn. and bossy. and when i go to the pediatrician and ask (because i want an ANSWER, dammit) why he is so stubborn/controlling/bossy, he just chuckles, and tells me the story about his grandson who, when he woke up, everyone would go, “Oh, God, he’s up”. Yeah. That’s how i start at least 3/4 of my days too…so WTF? why are they like that? the dr. says because kids like that are super smart and their brains are always working on how they can get their way. scary.

  47. On September 24th, 2009 at 1:15 pm Bluebird Says:

    Huh. You just reminded me that I think I do have one of those blogroll things 🙂 I should probably update it. Since, you know, I haven’t since, like, the second week of my blogging existence. Which, granted, wasn’t *that* long ago – but times, they change!

    I am terrified of having a child with my temperment. Mostly, I’m terrified of the comments from my own mother 😉

  48. On September 24th, 2009 at 1:27 pm Mwa Says:

    My kids are so my husband’s too. What bothers me is I can’t annoy him by calling into question his paternity. He just has to point at their feet.

  49. On September 24th, 2009 at 1:34 pm Brianna Says:

    Sweet baby Jesus, it’s like you’re talking about my youngest. Raven has, in the oh-so-recent past, FORCED herself to stay awake for FIVE HOURS beyond bedtime, simply because I had the gall to say the words, “It’s time to go to sleep.” The hell it is, bitch! I could hear it in my head when she stared at me, screaming to high heaven. Or when you tell her to say thank you, which is one of the few things this child CAN say, she will die on her hill, refusing to utter that one fucking word of gratitude. And she says “thanks” all the time!

    Seriously, they could be twins. It’s scary. I feel for you, Aunt Becky.

  50. On September 24th, 2009 at 1:46 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Apparently red hair is something worthy of stopping dead from a moving vehicle and commenting on, because I get attacked by nearly everyone for my son with the gorgeous strawberry blonde ‘do. And no, no one in the family has red hair, who the f*ck knows where it came from, lovely genetics blip. Yeah, it gets old. But then, it’s kinda cool. Otherwise, I’m sure everyone would be drooling over my current crotch parasite who’s all 6 months old and roly-poly with huge curious eyes cuteness and ignoring the crap out of him. So whatever. People are weird (and stupid mostly). I think it’s a game where everyone has to guess the gender of your kid wrong just to see if you explode.

    In any case. What was the question again? Oh, blogroll? Um… I dunno what that is, and I thought I was all internet geeky and shit. Oops. In my defense, I just started my blog and can’t find the time to friggin write in it, so I’ve got a whopping 2 posts. Probably because I’m too busy in between caring for the kids, reading your blog and a few others which aren’t nearly as good (you’re really my favorite ever), and trying to order everything I need online so I don’t have to drag the little ones all over the planet. I don’t know what I want to write about. Can you like give me an assignment or something, I’m really good at school, so…. that might work. ??

  51. On September 24th, 2009 at 1:48 pm Chris Says:

    I hate to break this to you, Aunt Becky, but Alex is never going to eat. I have a now 8 year old boy that has never voluntarily eaten anything but peanu butter, cereal and junk food. I freely admit we have tried everything from outright bribery to the most horrible threats we can think of. None of it fazes him and he still doesn’t eat. Multivitamins are our friend, too. I have no idea how he is actually growing with the small amount of food that actually goes into his mouth.

    My youngest boy is my husband’s mini me and is stubborn to a fault. Don’t bother trying to convince him to do anything he doesn’t want to, because you will run out of voice, patience and time and he still won’t do it.

    When he was a baby, people would come up and want to talk to him and tell him how cute he was. But then he would scream his head off because he didn’t like strangers talking to him. I wanted very badly to make a large sign that said “On pain of death by mommy strangulation, DO NOT speak to the baby. He doesn’t like you or anyone else, either.”

  52. On September 24th, 2009 at 3:06 pm Sarah Says:

    I didn’t realize backing a wild boar against a metal wall was terribly difficult. But whatever. My daughter doesn’t eat. Never has. If my tripped out drunked mother-in-law, who said daughter takes after in many ways EXCEPT for the vodka part, is any indication at all, SHE NEVER WILL EAT. So I gave up on that. I throw her an ice cream cone or slice of pizza from time to time, just to watch her chew on something. I’m fairly confident she doesn’t actually ingest any of it. And yet, there she is. I just continue to assume she’s from another star system. It makes so much more sense.

  53. On September 24th, 2009 at 2:26 pm lifelaughlatte Says:

    Ok…you truly are hilarious, and I’m so sad it took me so long to find your blog! Love finding bloggers like you that just say it like they see it. Refreshing! I’m new to this world…have 3 whole posts on my blog. Would love if you or your friends would like to come by. I’m getting lonely over there all by myself.

  54. On September 24th, 2009 at 4:48 pm DG ay Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Alex is a pretty little thing and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE binky babies. They are just the cutest ever.

    I had a girl-boy too. New neighbors rolled up as I was out at the mailbox with my two year old son who sported a gorgeous head full of ringlets (I didn’t want to cut his hair either) and she came over, introduced herself and complimented me on my beautiful daughter. That woman’s son is my son’s best friend to this day, but we had to make sure he knew that they was a boy before the kids were were old enough to date.

  55. On September 24th, 2009 at 5:16 pm stephen geevers Says:

    Bifocals needed to read furry and ruthless after thinking it said funny and ruthless. Dear Aunt Becky, step up to the razor!

  56. On September 24th, 2009 at 5:18 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    My boys are 12 and 7, and seriously, every night around 4:30 p.m., I start to get the shakes because I know I have to make dinner, and I know it’s going to be a battle. I have had more debates over plain noodles and white bread than I care to even admit – and I’m not even serving them that on purpose! I pray for the day we can all eat our food in tablet form and call it good.

  57. On September 24th, 2009 at 6:24 pm Mama Cas Says:

    Way back when I had 2 boys who were quite perfectly behaved and polite and actually liked to eat most things, I would have said something very deep and helpful like, “You just have to try harder. And he certainly won’t starve himself. He’ll eat eventually.”

    Then I had my daughter. She was sent here to challenge anything and everything I ever “knew” about parenting. She’s also the cutest enormous pain in my ass ever.

    Long story short…I got nothin’. No advice or sage words of wisdom.

    Good luck.

  58. On September 24th, 2009 at 6:43 pm Angelique Says:

    My son ended up looking exactly like me and my daughter looks exactly like my husband. Seriously. When people see Piper they say it’s like looking at Kurt in a dress. Blue eyes, light hair … all Norwegian baby. Jo Jo, however, got every ounce of Italian from my family. Dark brown eyes deep as the ocean, dark hair … all me. People look at them and wonder how the hell they’re even related, let alone brother and sister. And I’m like, “Listen here, assholes, I don’t know what you’re trying insinuate here, but if you’re trying to make me out to be some sort of a slut then I better at least be getting the action with which to earn the effing title!”

    And people stop me to gawk at Piper all the time. One lady accosted me in the middle of the grocery store to fawn over her and told me that she should model for Gerber. I shit you not. It creeped me out a little. But at 18 months people still get confused about her gender because she WON’T GROW ANY FREAKING HAIR. No barrettes in this house, people. Not yet.

  59. On September 24th, 2009 at 6:52 pm Krissa Says:

    Oh and don’t forget, you own his little ass till he’s 18. And after that, who’d want it? 😉

  60. On September 24th, 2009 at 7:24 pm mumma boo Says:

    See, I think Alex looks like you, with just a little bit of the Daver thrown in to balance it out. Whomever he resembles, he’s just gorgeous, as are all your children. As for the eating thing, if Cenzo likes it, Cheeks doesn’t. And vice versa. I figure if I can get one of them to eat per night, I’m batting .500. The other .500 is what milk and vitamins are for.

  61. On September 24th, 2009 at 7:50 pm Trista Says:

    Gah, for months and months people said my daughter was the spitting image of her dad (and in my more generous moments I had to agree) but I felt no small bit of vindication when people FINALLY started saying she looks like me instead of my husband. And now it’s come back to bite me in the rear because the kid has my patience – which is to say, none.
    As for blogrolls, I kinda like them on sites I visit often since they have put me on to other interesting blogs, and I appreciate the Google Reader tip – I’m setting it up fo sho.

  62. On September 24th, 2009 at 8:46 pm LeahKitten Says:

    I read this earlier today and again giggled about how damn funny you are. But then I had to come back and comment and let you know that I had my first angry blog reader today! Hooray! Aunt Becky, aren’t you proud? That’s like a milestone, isn’t it? Some chick’s boyfriend is pissed that I wrote about them in my dating blog! Huzzah! I guess that’s what he gets for calling her a slut. I just had to tell you. I knew you’d understand. I feel like I’ve made it.

  63. On September 24th, 2009 at 8:53 pm Leslee Says:

    Crap. I is not there. Then again, I haven’t updated in eons, so keeping it around is just taking up space. Space that is better taken up by vodka, vicoden and people who actually write something. 😀

  64. On September 24th, 2009 at 11:09 pm GingerB Says:

    I have dainty pretty girls but babies I make don’t make much hair, and despite the pink all over clothes, old people in the store think whatever baby I have in the carseat carrier is a boy because the car seat is green. Frackin’ green is gender neutral. Boneheads.

    Are you using bribery in your quest for dinner domination? That is all that gets us through dinner with a three year old who apparently now hates protein. A popsicle is a great motivator.

  65. On September 24th, 2009 at 11:32 pm Nitza Says:

    Okay, how embarrassed am I that I had never even heard the word “blogroll” before. I had to go to it to see what it even was. I don’t think I comment enough yet to make it onto the list of pranksters (or update my blog more than once a month either), but maybe one day. What is the section called Livin La Vida Loca about, if it’s not about having kids? lmao.

  66. On September 24th, 2009 at 11:58 pm panamahat Says:

    It is SO worth having a blogroll. I often dip into other people’s blogrolls at random (is that stealing?) and find gorgeous gems of people that I then have to claim for myself.

    Share the love!

  67. On September 25th, 2009 at 6:47 am ToyLady Says:

    When you said: “Good thing I still outweigh the SHIT out of him” I had to laugh, because you won’t always.

    When my Surly Boy was small, I always said he was just like me only shorter.

    Then he became a teenager. Still just like me, but no longer shorter.

    Now he’s a 21-year-old, 6 foot 3, only mildly-surly young man – but still “difficult” all the same. Just like me only taller. (And HE outweighs ME.)

    I’ve finally, after two decades, learned to, um, handle him better. Now he does what I want (sort of) but he thinks it’s his idea.

  68. On September 25th, 2009 at 7:41 am Melissa Says:

    My daughter looks just like my mother in law, and God help me if it doesn’t drive me nuts some days. When we are around my mil, she has to mention at least every 15 minutes how much Moira looks like her. Hence why we moved 2 states away, I couldn’t take it. And, if I do say so myself, my daughter is fucking adorable. She is just beautiful and I marvel at how such a beautiful child came from me. So all the compliments go to my mil’s head. Obviously if adorable child looks like her, she must be a raving beauty, no. I have to bite my tongue to keep from reminding her she looks so good at 60 because she paid a nice doctor for multiple surgeries to do so! But, then I would be insulting my beautiful child, and well, I’m fucked on this one.
    But, I do have a beautiful child, and thank GOD, she acts just like me and not the mil, and I’m only a little stubborn and not a diva, so it works.

    Good luck on that iron will. It does make for wonderfully successful adults though. Just be sure to tell him you want him to grow up to be a drop out drug addict, and I”m sure he’ll become a doctor or something. 🙂
    Melissa in Durham

  69. On September 25th, 2009 at 8:16 am Suzy Voices Says:

    One day he’ll be bigger than you. And then the true fun will begin. My oldest is only 12, and I think he could kick my ass.

  70. On September 25th, 2009 at 10:14 am Kristen Wiley Says:

    So, I can’t relate to having a child just like me, but somehow, I have gotten a dog who is just like me. She is 75lbs of pure stubborness, as well as super mouthy. I love my German Shepard, but good lord is it annoying. I can’t imagine having one that can talk as well!!!

  71. On September 25th, 2009 at 10:52 am Kelly Says:

    You and Alex sound just like me. If someone tells me to do something, psshhh, there’s no way in hell I’m going to do it. If they reverse-psychology me into thinking it was my idea, I’ll probably do it. Ahh, the pleasures of “always being right.” I get that from my father who’s the same way. I seriously think it’s genetic, maybe they should use stem-cells to figure out a way to alter “stubbornness.” What’s worse is I’m COMPLETELY aware of my stubbornness, and I don’t like it, but I can’t help it! Really!

  72. On September 25th, 2009 at 1:27 pm Lola Says:

    I have a blogroll for some reason, probably because everyone else did when I set the damn thing up. I never, ever update it, though, since I started with Google Reader, and I was thinking the other day that I should just delete it because all the newer reads in my reader aren’t on there, and they probably don’t feel very special when they click on over.
    Then I thought, yeah, that’s too much work, kinda like updating my profile, and I read my comments instead.

    I’ve got a stubborn little shit for a son, and I’ve grown so tired of the battle of wills that I just trick him or bribe him into everything. I gave up the food wars years ago. The kid never stops growing, so why stress is my motto. Homework is the current war, and it sucks way worse than the food war!!!!!

  73. On September 25th, 2009 at 5:37 pm Sunny Says:

    I just got gestational diabetes looking at that picture of Alex.

    I have dark brown hair and dark eyes, and if I knew ONE THING when I was pregnant, it was that my son would have dark brown hair and dark eyes.

    He’s blond with blue eyes.

    Just the first of many things I’ve gotten wrong as a parent.

  74. On September 28th, 2009 at 10:31 am Tiffany Says:

    I have three kids, two look like their father, especially my girl Beanie. I use to be PC when people said “she looks like you”. I would smile and say thank you while I was privately thinking “are the fucking blind”. Now I just say, “No she is Craig’s minnie me”. My oldest boy looks like me. He has nice round cheeks like his momma. My youngest is like your Alex, It is his way, and if you think differntly, he will wear you down until your playing your lips in the corner.

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