Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Clone Wars


Get your prank on, Pranksters. Time to Pull a The David Cook for charity. AND the chance to win free ice cream for a year from Cold Stone, yo (you can raffle that prize off if you win it).


The weather in Chicago goes from ass-hot to ass-cold overnight which always leaves me frantically unprepared. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people* that stocks up on clothes for their crotch parasites for next year, and I’ve tried that a couple of times, only to put them “somewhere safe” (like the bathtub or the oven) and forget about them entirely. When I unearth these fossils, the clothes turn to dust in my hands.

Instead, I have to risk hypothermia by rushing out to the store in flippity-flops and a tank top, shivering and chattery, to grab fall-ish clothes. What, me prepared? NEVER.

(shut UP)

Last weekend, I made the same frantic chattery Target run, nearly losing some fingers (from hypothermia) in the process. My shopping list looked sort of like this:

  • Uncrustables**
  • Edamame
  • Diet Coke
  • Uncrustables
  • Motherfucking Fall Clothes, moron.
  • Uncrustables
  • Diet Coke

I am not very inventive in my eating patterns, you see.

I’d also brought my daughter with me to pick out some “motherfucking fall clothes,” and I assumed that like her brothers before her, she’d simply sit in the cart and squawk indignantly at me while I dared stop moving for mere seconds at a time.

I sorely underestimated the flesh of my flesh. The blood of my blood. The clone of myself.

Where I’ve always just haphazardly picked out boy clothes for my sons, hoping like hell that I don’t pick them out lame shit, my daughter has an OPINION. Oh yes, at 19 months, she sat in the cart and like a wee dictator, and while her vocabulary leaves much to be desired, she made her likes and dislikes well known. By shrieking. And grabbing. And throwing things she hated onto the floor.

Her mother’s daughter. I beamed so proudly, even as I bore the Wrath of Amelia, which is kinda like the Wrath of Khan, only different because I don’t know who the fuck Khan is.

My daughter:

Sparkle, Sparkle Princess


Aunt Becky, Whiny Pants

Okay, so I was more dramatical than my daughter appears ON CAMERA. She knows how to turn it off when it counts. Smart, smart girl.

Also: I’m fucked.

*I’ve also wanted to be a blond. Tried that once. Black hair + an angry gay hairstylist = fire-plug orange hair.

**I am not paid to endorse this most delicious food of the gods. Because if I were, I wouldn’t be able to say things like, “for something that sounds like an STD, it’s motherfucking DELICIOUS.”

47 Comments to

“The Clone Wars”

  1. On September 30th, 2010 at 1:52 pm steph gas Says:

    okay. you should go blondeish and use a toner to get rid of those orangey brassy bullshits. because that’s what happens when you lighten really really dark hair. and then dye your hair like, pink. SERIOUSLY.

    as i write this i am dyeing my hair. i have ATOMIC PINK and HI-OCTANE ORANGE in my hair and it is going to rock so hard, it will rock your face.

    or i’ll look like an idiot. but at least i didn’t pay someone else to make me look like an idiot.

    of course, i’ve had pink hair for three years. so it wasn’t a huge leap to the orange/pink combo. i’ll have to post pics when it’s done.

    ALSO ALSO. your daughter is motherfucking adorable. and uncrutables does kind of sound like an std. i won’t eat them. because they have like peanut butter and jelly like stuff in them. i don’t do pb and/or j.

  2. On September 30th, 2010 at 6:04 pm Lindsey Says:

    I don’t do uncrustables, but I love some pb and j. Why the hell would I pay someone else for something half the size of what I can make in my own kitchen? Besides, the one time I did buy them, I always forgot to thaw them out.

  3. On September 30th, 2010 at 1:53 pm jana Says:

    Look at you when you were little, Miss whiney pants! Awesome!

  4. On September 30th, 2010 at 1:54 pm Kate Says:

    I’ll crust your bull.

    I’m sorry, it just came out.

  5. On September 30th, 2010 at 2:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    *cue porno music*

  6. On September 30th, 2010 at 4:47 pm Kate Says:

    *brings Giant oven in on wheels to put bull in*

    *wonders why there’s porno music*

  7. On September 30th, 2010 at 1:58 pm starkravingmadmommy Says:

    That’s actually the best ad for Uncrustables I’ve ever heard. Now I would totally buy them.

  8. On September 30th, 2010 at 2:50 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha! I’m waiting for a cease and desist letter from Uncrustables now.

  9. On September 30th, 2010 at 2:00 pm Melissa Says:

    I’ve always wondered who the Khan is too. And I am not going to Google it because it sounds fucking awesome and its probably some lame Star Trek shit or something.

  10. On September 30th, 2010 at 2:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yeah, we’ll leave it as “Khan is mythical and wrath-like.” Fair?

  11. On September 30th, 2010 at 2:00 pm toywithme Says:

    Raising yourself is a wake up call to realizing how much patience your mother really had. This I know first hand.

    Miss Whiney pants has ‘drama queen’ written all over her face ๐Ÿ˜›

  12. On September 30th, 2010 at 2:15 pm heydave Says:

    Jeebus, you kids are…. kids! The Khan being referred to was an evil space guy, played by Ricardo Montalbรกn, in one of the Star Trek movies. Capt Kirk famously (no, really, you little shits!) leans back in his chair and screams “Khan!!1!” into the overhead camera. Anyway, it was cool then, so fuck you.

    But seeing the young Miss Whiny makes me lurve her even more.

  13. On September 30th, 2010 at 4:30 pm Jenn Says:

    Khan! He first appeared in a season 1 Star Trek (the original series) episode. It is called “Space Seed,” I believe. I may be young (is 28 young?) but I am also a total dork (nerd? geek? loser?).

  14. On September 30th, 2010 at 4:55 pm heydave Says:

    You may be right; you could be a dork.

    No, seriously, he was in the early series and brought back for the big movie. But I think the “Khan” scream was only in the movie.

    But then, you’re the dork! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  15. On September 30th, 2010 at 5:26 pm Jenn Says:

    No idea on the scream. I remember it but I have no idea if it was in the show, the movie, or both. I will have to concede to you on that one. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I cannot tell if I am more ashamed that I know about the episode or that I do not know about the scream, haha.

  16. On September 30th, 2010 at 7:25 pm Melissa Says:

    DAMN YOU DORKFACE! That must have been hidden somewhere in the back of my brain (the parts that want to forget). I was FORCED to watch Star Trek by my babysitter’s geek ass teenage brother EVERY DAY!

  17. On September 30th, 2010 at 2:17 pm heydave Says:

    Ho-lee-shit, Uncrustables are for real? (I just googled ’em)
    Wow, you kids have everything.

    Now get off my fucking lawn!

  18. On September 30th, 2010 at 2:22 pm Tom G. Says:

    Have you ever wondered what they do with all those crusts? I like to imagine that somewhere in a parallel galaxy little whiny pant aliens scream at momma to cut the bread off their crusts before they eat them, and that we have somehow struck up some inter galactic trade zone where we send them our crusts, and they send us their yummy delicious uncrustables. Perhaps this intergalactic trade is managed by Khan?

    KHAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!!!! Where’s my uncrustables!!!!!

  19. On September 30th, 2010 at 4:19 pm Sarah Martha Says:

    I have been shouting this at my unknowing children for the last hour. They have no idea what’s going on. My seven year old is starting to get REALLY anxious…I laugh and laugh. “KHAAAAAAAAAANNN! Where’s my Uncrustables!!” My teenagers are rolling their eyes and making wine glass motions at me. Thank you for this gem.

  20. On September 30th, 2010 at 8:45 pm Tom G. Says:

    No problem. I’m glad I could help. I just ask that you don’t send me the therapy bills. I still have my own kid’s to pay for.

  21. On September 30th, 2010 at 2:26 pm Deidra Says:

    “sounds like an STD”…lol! I never thought of it that way before. For such a delicious treat, I’ll never be able to think of them the same…

    “Not much, what are you doing?”
    “Oh, just eating an STD. It’s all good.”

  22. On September 30th, 2010 at 2:39 pm Roccie Says:

    I love it when you take it local sister.

  23. On September 30th, 2010 at 2:39 pm Roccie Says:

    I love it when you take it local sister.

  24. On September 30th, 2010 at 3:20 pm ColinP Says:

    I totally forgot to mention that while at the Jersey shore and wandering up and down the boardwalk I found a stand that sold deep-fried uncrustables! Oh course I instantly thought of my Aunt Becky.

  25. On September 30th, 2010 at 7:30 pm Melissa Says:

    You cannot possibly be from NJ. Because if you were you would have said DOWN the Jersey shore.

  26. On October 1st, 2010 at 1:41 am Jen Says:

    LOL as a Jersey girl I concur.

  27. On October 1st, 2010 at 8:54 am ColinP Says:

    Caught me, I am indeed a New Yorker…

  28. On September 30th, 2010 at 3:52 pm Issa Says:

    I spend more time arguing with my daughters about clothes. And it did start that young. My son? Newly two? He could care less. Boy doesn’t even care if he’s poppy. I could put him in a dress and he’d be okay. So much easier.

    Agreed on Uncrustables. Now with the wheat bread ones? I don’t even feel bad about it.

  29. On September 30th, 2010 at 3:55 pm Kelly Says:

    There is something about the Uncrustables that is a bit yummy…something about that squished up sides of the bread, me thinks. But cheese flavored Uncrustables, are wrong.

    Aunt Becky Whiney Pants, were you a little bunny?

    Mea has an opinion about everything she wears and what goes in, on, or around her head now, causing me much durress. At 4, she should still be letting me have some say.

    Last week Mack came home from college for the weekend, and took one look at my new boots and went and bought the same exact pair…I guess she thinks I’m cool.

  30. On September 30th, 2010 at 4:11 pm mumma boo Says:

    What? Did you say something? I got distracted by all the sparkles. Those Mimi cheeks are just begging for some nom-nom-noming.

  31. On September 30th, 2010 at 4:25 pm Jenn Says:

    1) That photo of you is totally cute.
    2) My daughter is like me in that she hates shopping.
    3) My daughter is UNlike me in that she loves clothes and she prefers that they be sparkly, and pink.
    4) I have yet to try one of your beloved uncrustables… they look sort of “eww” to me.

  32. On September 30th, 2010 at 4:40 pm a Says:

    My daughter looks like me, but acts like her father. So, when I tell her to look at herself in the mirror, trying to teach her that a yellow shirt covered with little tiny red and green apples possibly doesn’t go with her light blue shorts covered in red and white seashells and sailboats, she just says “I look cute.” Great. I taught her vanity. Just the thing I was going for – but what I should have expected, since she’s just like her father. Who looks in the mirror and tells me how hot he is.

    And you are both adorable. But Uncrustables taste like they’re made out of Playdoh (deliciously flavored, sure, but I can’t get past the texture.)

  33. On September 30th, 2010 at 5:10 pm Stacey Ball Says:

    I got a lot of shit the other day (notice a lot…two words) for bringing an Uncrustable to work. I had to explain that they are like little pockets of crack with the crust cut off and pressed into pie ruffles.

  34. On September 30th, 2010 at 5:23 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    I love the peanut butter and honey Uncrustables. Like indecently love. DH says I have a problem. But it’s only a problem if there’s a solution. And the only solution is MORE Uncrustables. So I guess I do have a problem.

  35. On September 30th, 2010 at 5:25 pm randine Says:

    It’s so good to know I’m not the only mom who waits til the last possible moment to do fall shopping.

    I’m like that with all kinds of shopping, actually.
    Night before school starts, there I am, trying to fulfill my school supply list with the meager leftovers- Ie) the stuff that the good moms picked over and decided against.

    Night before Valentines Day, there I am, trying to find Valentines cards for my kids when the only things left are totally inappropriate–Strawberry Shortcake for my son in Grade 6, which is likely to get him beat up after school, but I have no choice.

    Now I must go and google Uncrustables.

  36. On September 30th, 2010 at 6:11 pm Lindsey Says:

    My 23 mo old is the same way about clothes. She’s picky about what she wears each day, too, even if she picked it out in the store. What a little diva!

    At any rate, it wasn’t until the weather turned chilly
    (62 degrees) and wet this week that I realized I haven’t yet purchased winter coats.

  37. On September 30th, 2010 at 6:58 pm A Mom on Spin Says:

    I wonder if you could deep fry edamame. . .

  38. On September 30th, 2010 at 7:18 pm Molly Says:

    LOVE your food list.

    Is it bad that I’m preggers AND breastfeeding and candy pumpkins and milk were my main sources of food today? Yikes.

  39. On September 30th, 2010 at 7:28 pm AmyBlam Says:

    I can’t believe you are giving away a year’s worthnof Cold Stone, my favorite, merely days after I find out I can’t eat anything. Stupid gluten free and doctors that hate me. ๐Ÿ™

  40. On September 30th, 2010 at 7:37 pm seekingelevation Says:

    What’d you buy for yourself at Target? We have a cold front coming through this weekend, so I went to Target today to do the same thing you did (minus the Uncrusty-whatevers because that sounds gross no matter how you spin it). Left the store with little pink boots in a toddler’s size 5. Nothing for mama. I saw those square-shaped sweatshirts for $6 and hesitated for a minute before guffawing, “Jesus Christ, is this elementary school again?” And then the woman next to me, who had a cart full of those elementary school bargains, gave me the stink eye. My punishment for being a bitch will be freezing my ass off while camping this weekend.

  41. On October 1st, 2010 at 12:43 am Amy @ RenderMeMama Says:

    Ya so, clothes I have always been on top because of my slight shopping problem. Until of course this year, when I thought it would never ever ever cool off here in the South until it did and then I realized that I must be getting old because my kids are still wearing shorts and t-shirts. Oops.

    Oh, and have you tried the grilled cheese uncrustables? Totally made of slightly cheez whiz tasting win. They even manage to get the right amount of (probably horribly disgusting for you) butter flavor in the bread. Hells. Yes.

  42. On October 1st, 2010 at 12:54 am andygirl Says:

    GAH! that sparkle pants headband is to fucking cute!

    and you? those whiskers? gah! cute.

  43. On October 1st, 2010 at 1:41 am GingerB Says:

    See, I did stock up on fall clothes for the girls and I’ve just been waiting to bust them out but it is motherfucking 85 here and I can’t have them sweating like that. But when it is in the 60s next week. The Purple.Horse.Line. from Gymboree goes right on both girls. Purple cowboy hats! Horse print corduroy dress with purple tights! Hair bows! I’m so fucking excited I will now actually finish the ponchos I am knitting so they can wear them. Must stop blogging and knit. I don’t necessarily want to dress me but I love to dress my girlie-girls. I better go have a salami sandwich and calm down. Where did the porno music go?

  44. On October 1st, 2010 at 6:30 am Sam Says:

    Dude. Your shopping list is *exactly* like Posh Spice’s (aka Victoria Beckham)! Seriously, I read somewhere that all she eats is edamame and Diet Coke. So, other than you being with The Daver instead of with The Becks? You could be twins. But THEN we’d have to call you Aunt Becky BECKS, which might be kickass, or not. Hard to say.

  45. On October 1st, 2010 at 11:05 am Kristin Says:

    Too funny. Chicago sound very much like Ohio. Their is no in between weather. And you have no convinced me to try the Uncustables. And isn’t it great to have a clone? I love that my daughters are just like me. It’s great, except when it isn’t haha. Amelia is ADORABLE. And enjoy this time now cause someday she will be telling you GAWD Mom I don’t want to go shopping with you!!!

  46. On October 12th, 2010 at 9:42 pm Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo Says:

    Uncrustables? What the motherfucking fuckity fuck is that shit?

    (I am alone in the house and there is no one to yell at. So I am yelling at you. Because I LOVE. Be fucking flattered. Heh)

  47. On October 13th, 2010 at 10:11 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    FUCK YEAH. Dude, I’m jealous. I want to yell that.

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