Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Chance For Immortality


I’ve been joking that “purple should be a flavor, dammit,” for as long as I can remember. I probably got the idea from somewhere else, I can’t be certain.

I used to have a blog theme with a changeable tagline, probably intended for people to say things like, “Mommy Wants Vodka: The Best Gosh-Darn Blog Ever,” but I’d change mine to say things like “Mommy Wants Vodka: Now THAT’S Fucked Up,” and then, “Mommy Wants Vodka: Encased Meats Are The Two Finest Words In The English Language Besides ‘Hooray Beer’,” because I am classy and that is what classy people do.

Someone recently said that “her name tastes like purple” because she’s got Synethsesia, a neurological condition wherein the activation of one sensory stimulation automatically evokes stimulation from a second sensory pathway. Basically, using one sense (touch, taste, hearing, smell, sight) stimulates another sense. My Metal Head friend Scottie once, while very, very intoxicated, informed me that he could see the music coming from the speakers.

So, there you have it.


It’s kind of a neat way of looking at things, although, of course, I don’t have it. I just like to put together words in unusual ways. When I’m not here, I write groups of essays that I will one day put into a larger collection. A “book,” if I may. And watch dancing cactus videos.

Fucking love dancing cacti.

Today, Pranksters, I’m off to the Chicago Auto Show, probably annoying The Twitter with tweets like, “Wonder if I can steal a fucking car and run these assholes OVER,” because, well, obviously.

And I’m offering you a chance at immortality.

My friend Jimmy, who makes tea, (it’s his hilarious ad on the sidebar) and sent me a story to cheer me up yesterday about how he was once beaten up by a gang of Jewish guys dressed up as the Pope, wants to do something for you. I laughed, of course, because I knew it was probably true.

So anyway, now that I’ve explained what an asshole *I* am because I laughed at my friend who had been hurt by a group of Jewish thugs dressed as the Pope, here’s your shot at immortality, Pranksters.

He wants you to describe your perfect tea blend. Maybe it’s a green tea with rose. Or maybe they want unicorn blood and the tears of angels. Either way, for the randomly selected winner, I’ll do my best to create the blend and then I’ll even put a photo of themselves on the tea created.

Your own tea blend WITH A PICTURE OF YOU. You could probably make him put a picture of whatever. I mean, the ad picture is Mr. Sprinkles, my fake dead cat.

(oh, and he gave you all a free shipping code: ShutYourWhoreMouth )

Mine might look like this, for example:

Although, I’d want him to use this picture:

Because I’m still laughing at it.

(modeling agencies, CALL ME)


P.S. Make him work.

P.P.S. Modeling agencies, CALL ME.

P.P.P.S. I cannot wait to see what you come up with.

43 Comments to

“The Chance For Immortality”

  1. On February 16th, 2011 at 10:16 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    The sweet tartness of passion fruit combined with the zing of orange.

  2. On February 16th, 2011 at 10:20 am AmyBlam Says:

    A yummy English breakfast with a hint of mint, and maybe roses.

  3. On February 16th, 2011 at 10:22 am Jana A Says:

    Ooh. Yum! Passion tea blend with lots of rose essence That way I feel like I have a rose in my mouth while I seduce my lovah!

  4. On February 16th, 2011 at 10:29 am Anna Wagner Says:

    Chamomile tea with a hing of orange and bits of chocolate flavored tapioca that you can suck through a straw like bubble tea.

  5. On February 16th, 2011 at 10:41 am Jessica Seuss Says:

    I’m a green tea fanatic, and I love mint, too. Basically, anything that can give me a caffeine buzz and fresh breath at the same time. If he can name it “Jewbilly,” (the nickname my best friend gave me as a teenager), then I’d be extra happy in the pants.

  6. On February 16th, 2011 at 10:44 am candace Says:

    A red Rooibos spiced orange chai with a hint of chocolate. Mmmmmmmm

  7. On February 16th, 2011 at 10:49 am Jennifer Says:

    I feel honored, even though I didn’t write it nor do I have synthesia. More like amnesia. I, too, love that effed up picture of you, even though it makes my eyes hurt a bit. Good work.

    I don’t like tea, so no submission from me. In your honor, I want it to be purple in color and taste like an uncrustable with a hint of orange cuppity cakes.

  8. On February 16th, 2011 at 10:49 am Gillyann Says:

    Coffee plus peppermint kahlua = my tea 🙂

  9. On February 16th, 2011 at 10:52 am annie Says:

    How about chamomile and hops with cinnamon, cloves & orange peel? Kind of a spicy bedtime tea. If you get so relaxed you fall asleep, you’ll still have fresh breath.

    What the hell, toss in a little valerian too and you can use that picture on the bottom of this post!

  10. On February 16th, 2011 at 11:02 am I'm So Fancy Says:

    Truffle! Duh. I mean the kind pigs find. Not the cocoa dusted ones. Although they’re nice too…

  11. On February 16th, 2011 at 11:12 am The Resident Bitch Says:

    OKay so DUDE I have the best flavor ever.

    And the best part is I swear on all that is holy (swiss cheese) that I would drink this every day of my life and so would Jeff.


    I don’t know how they would do it but I want it. I will buy it and drink it every single day for the rest of my life. I WANT THIS TEA.

    So … if for no other reason than it’s ridiculous. Win, lose, or draw, please make this tea. I will hail you as a god.

  12. On February 16th, 2011 at 11:14 am Marie Says:

    So I LOVE tea, but I’m a basic black pekoe type. I like to splash some Irish Whiskey in it with lemon and honey.

    Anyway about synthesia… I do occasionally hear music as color (something ling aaron Copeland or George Gershwin will do it) but (TMI) I see different colors having sex…sometimes purple or green but it’s SO vivid, like I can see it but it’s in my brain. Hubby thought I was wired the first time I said “OOO, THAT’s bright blue!!” but now it’s kinda normal!

  13. On February 16th, 2011 at 11:14 am Katie Says:

    I would have to say Jasmine Rose with just a slight hint of lemon. Light and relaxing. Ultimatly epic.

  14. On February 16th, 2011 at 12:11 pm The Restaurant Manager Says:

    Since I live in the south I’ll give your the recipe for liquid diabetes:

    1 Big Tea Bag, 1 Canister of Water 3 Pounds of sugar.

    People love this crap.


  15. On February 16th, 2011 at 12:15 pm the mrs Says:

    Shut. Your. Whore. Mouth!

    I read about this yesterday while working on a post about how WebMD totally screwed me out of my sanity, and I was going to tell you about it. Maybe you’re finally getting those thought rays I send out!?!

    Related: Thanks for keeping me updated on what classy folks do. You’re my road map on things like that.

  16. On February 16th, 2011 at 12:30 pm karen Says:

    mamazamess. that’s what I’d call my tea. and i’d want it to be black tea, something solid, that could hold its own if I drank it black or with tonnes of milk and sugar … depending on what kind of mess I am at any given moment. yep. sorry. not the prettiest, not the most creative, not even the yummiest. but the way i’m feelin’. lately.

    someone wanna come over and put the rest of my christmas decs away in the pony walls? i kinda got off track.

    O! How I need a cuppa mamazamess …

  17. On February 16th, 2011 at 1:16 pm Dr. Cynicism Says:

    Hmmm… the mixture has yet to be named, but here goes:

    2 parts single malt whisky, 3 parts self loathing, 1 part ice, attempt to set on fire, fail at setting it on fire, and stir – with no pants on.

  18. On February 16th, 2011 at 2:16 pm Dana Says:

    Scottie and I have much in common – I, too, can see the music coming from the speakers, but it’s quite a mess when I use my ear buds and I get the vision of the music directly in my brain!

    I’ll take an extra caffeinated, espresso blend tea with hints of Guarana and Pseudoephedrine.

  19. On February 16th, 2011 at 2:26 pm Meg at the Members Lounge Says:

    God, I am on the orange bandwagon with y’all. Cloves, cinnamon, and hey, could you throw in a hint of fig perhaps? That would be fun.

  20. On February 16th, 2011 at 3:31 pm Bell Says:

    I prefer cool green teas with spearmint and a hint of lemon. Not too much mint that it’s overpowering, just enough to make a very refreshing iced tea. Add some sugar and cream soda and mmmmm…

  21. On February 16th, 2011 at 4:27 pm LittleMissGonnabe Says:

    Fenugreek (because I am a nursing mom and it kinda tastes like maple syrup) with a dash of cinnamon and a hint of bacon. It’s the new breakfast tea!

  22. On February 16th, 2011 at 4:38 pm Monica Says:

    yum! i want oolong with a little bit of lavender! or assam and lavender. but just the thought of oolong and lavender is exciting. i need something frilly to combat my run-ins with poop, trains, race cars, and more poop!

  23. On February 16th, 2011 at 5:15 pm Will Says:

    I currently run a bar for a living and three olives, a vodka company has came out with a vodka called purple. Besides the fact, its pure deliciousness and belongs in every classy joint like… say… applebees. It’s a hell of a baller move to rock into a club wearing one of your brilliant unicorn t’s and sporting a hoodie like only you can do and then order a round of purples for you and your friends. You’d definitely be the bell of the ball.

  24. On February 16th, 2011 at 5:24 pm pattypunker Says:

    boxed wine after 5 tea.

  25. On February 16th, 2011 at 8:58 pm JLK Says:

    I’m imagining something gingery……maybe a little fruity……perhaps a hint or two of vanilla. Something that almost kinda reminds you of chai, but not as deep and musky as chai. Something decaf so I can drink it at night to relax.

    And now that you made me think about all this, now I want this to exist so I can have it, dammit.

  26. On February 16th, 2011 at 10:23 pm kittyn Says:

    Oohhh… Tea. Huh, imagine something yummy and brewable? Well crap, I just drink the stuff.

    Here’s one I’m pretty sure isn’t possible, but it’s yummy to do yourself, jasmine tea with a bit of lime and something sweet mixed in. Yes, lime, I’m weird, OK?

  27. On February 16th, 2011 at 10:43 pm Megan Says:

    OK. green tea, apple, rose and lavender? Call it Unicorn Forest. Unicorns love apples.

  28. On February 16th, 2011 at 10:58 pm mel Says:

    the really funny thing is that just this week I actually followed the ad to his site and got his recommendations about flavours I might like! (And damn, but I think he is right; his suggestions sound fabulous!) AND WHY DID NOBODY EVER TELL ME ABOUT BREWING TEA WITH VODKA???? The man is brilliant.

    And after all that, my tea idea is chocolate mojito. Peppermint, lime, and a light hint of molasses, with a deep chocolate flavour to balance it off. You could brew it with rum. Or iced. Or hot and sweet as a dessert (trust me, I make a cake with these flavours and it is AMAZING!)

  29. On February 16th, 2011 at 11:45 pm Erica Rose Says:

    I’d love a mix of vanilla w/ a hint of almond. Or a blueberry and maybe some strawberry/lemon. OMG, I love tea!!!

  30. On February 17th, 2011 at 9:30 am Undone Mother Says:

    Can you make peanut butter and jelly tea? And, please, NOT crunchy peanut butter.

  31. On February 17th, 2011 at 10:47 am Kim Hartman Says:

    Helloooooo it’s been a while but I have a tea submission.

    Jasmin Chai with a touch of gardenia.

    would smell amazing, not sure how it would taste, that is up to the tea maker, which I am not…woefully.

    and Anon, just. stop. reading.


  32. On February 17th, 2011 at 10:48 am Kim Hartman Says:

    just. stop. reading

  33. On February 17th, 2011 at 10:55 am Karen Delaney Says:

    please go away now anonomous scumbag

  34. On February 17th, 2011 at 10:58 am The Faux Trixie Says:

    FYI, they have purple vodka. The flavor is “purple,” as is the color. Find it and drink it in good synthesthesia or however the hell you spell it.

  35. On February 17th, 2011 at 12:34 pm Ina Jones Says:

    I want green jasmine tea with lemon. lots of it.

  36. On February 17th, 2011 at 2:47 pm MissHannah Says:

    Being very British I love Earl Grey tea, the bergamot oil is delicious.

    Drawing on that i would enjoy Earl Grey with perhaps a little extra orange, lemon and lime oil.

    Also perhaps a light green tea with coconut and pineapple, mmmmm.

  37. On February 17th, 2011 at 5:33 pm Erin@MommyontheSpot Says:

    I love minty/chamomile/hibiscus tea.

  38. On February 17th, 2011 at 9:49 pm Brenna Says:

    You know what I’d like? A non-caffienated tea with no motherfucking cat piss chamomile in it. Have I conveyed my distaste for chamomile?

  39. On February 18th, 2011 at 11:10 am hirondelle Says:

    Silver Needle and Violet

    I love white tea and was mildly addicted to parma violets as a kid. I think they would go well together.

  40. On February 18th, 2011 at 1:49 pm Txtingmrdarcy Says:

    I have to agree with hirondelle on the white tea…

    White tea, with ginger, vanilla and coconut. That would make my life. Please to make this happen, KittyTeaMan. 🙂

    Actually, to combat the fact that I just came up with a tea blend, it must be named “TEA MADE FROM KITTENS” and feature a picture of Aunt Becky’s imaginary cat. YES.

  41. On February 19th, 2011 at 2:04 am fighting for my children Says:

    chocolate cherry Tea. Yea, Im original.

  42. On February 19th, 2011 at 10:20 pm Applesaucery Says:

    I love black tea! This isn’t the most creative suggestion, but I think it would be delicious: a mix of Lapsang Souchong and a lighter Earl Grey (like Lady Grey except I think Twinings owns that), with something to mellow it out and make it a little more rich and creamy. I know that sounds retarded, but I once had an Irish Cream tea that was FUCKING AMAZING, it was black tea but totally had a creamy richness to it, brewed fantastically.

  43. On February 20th, 2011 at 6:36 pm The Chance For Immortality Mommy Wants Vodka | Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    The Chance For Immortality Mommy Wants Vodka | Mommy Wants Vodka…

    […]So, there you have it. Synethesia. It’s kind of a neat way of looking at things, although, of course, I don’t have it. I just like to put together words in unusual ways. When I’m not here, I write groups of essays that I will one day put …. m…

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