Mommy Wants Vodka

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The Bitch Is Back


Late September, 2015, changed my  life forever.

I was standing at the door of my apartment, talking to my friend – and neighbor – Tanya. I can see the moment that altered the course of, well, EVERYTHING as clear as day. It was dusk and a beautiful, clear night. She was getting ready for a visit to Florida and we chatted about Disney World – which, for as much of a badass that I am, I fucking love. I was in the middle of defending why Epcot was full of the awesome when it happened.

It felt like a gunshot had gone off inside my leg.

I felt the bone crack. There are no words to describe how it feels when the biggest, strongest bone in your body breaks.

Grasping for something, anything to break my fall, I grabbed Tanya.

And I began screaming.

I didn’t stop until they gave me something in the Emergency Department.

Emergency surgery made my femur bionic. It also infected me with a group D streptococcus bacterium.

Rehab followed the surgery and, in looking back, did not help in the slightest. The rehabilitation center kept me for a week, not the month I should’ve had, but not knowing any better, I was just glad to come home. Until, of course I got home. I was in such agony that I could barely move, let alone DO anything for myself, which is especially hard when, y’know, you LIVE by yourself.

I went back to work a couple of days after I returned home. I was summarily fired on a technicality I knew nothing about. I’d been preparing for it – another one of the nurses had been fired for going on FMLA (not, of course for taking it – that would make it illegal! – but on a technicality. Same old song and dance.

There were bits and blurbs I can remember from October to December, but really, most of that time was erased from my memory banks. I was told that in cases of severe stress and pain, our brain (thankfully) “forgets” those times. Permanently. I do remember that every time I went to see the orthopedic doctor who’d performed my surgery, my leg made no progress toward healing. I do know, thanks to my Facebook feed, that I, much like Chicago’s voters, I fell early and I fell often.

At the beginning of December, I fell again. This time, there was no cute Facebook post whining about a fall. This time is completely black. I can remember waking my child with my screams. He called 911. I remember parts of the ambulance ride and what I described in the post below.

What I now know is that my orthopedic doctor called in a trauma surgeon to treat me. I’d managed snap the titanium rod into pieces. And, as a precaution, both my femur and the hardware were swabbed for bacteria.

My second femur break:

I didn’t wake up following the second surgery.

I didn’t wake up for weeks.

I ran extremely high fevers.

I was septic. No one knew why.

9 days after the surgery, the cultures taken by my infectious disease doctor grew a rare form of Strep D. They pumped me full of more antibiotics and prayed they weren’t too late.


ECT snapped me out of it, albeit slowly. When questioned as to why that happens, I was reminded that the brain is a mysterious organ and the exact reasons behind my awakening were unclear.

They used the term “miracle” a lot.

Once my fevers cleared, I was sent to a rehab facility located in a nursing home. I remained in and out of consciousness (in this world, at least). Finally, I became aware in the middle of January.

I came home in the middle of February, alone. While the rehab facility strongly suggested having someone else with me, no one really wanted THAT job. As frustrated as I was, it was – by far – the best thing I could’ve done. I’ve gone from being dependent upon my walker (who I named Mrs. Hernandez) to walking alone, even though I walk like I’m drunk 8373% of the time (which, of course, is NOTHING NEW TO ME).

At my most recent ortho appointment, he showed me the x-rays taken minutes before. See all that swirly stuff? That’s BONE, bitches! I done got me some motherfucking BONE GROWTH! (I’d use more exclamation points but I tend to multiple exclamation points only when being ironic and/or obnoxious)

Now? If you can read this, the bitch is, indeed, back.

And? It feels fucking divine.

posted under Abby Normal
11 Comments to

“The Bitch Is Back”

  1. On March 17th, 2016 at 3:12 pm Amy S Says:

    WOOHOO! About damn time! I’m so thankful you’re doing better and sincerely hope the difficult times are in the past! Keep on keepin on, AB!

  2. On March 17th, 2016 at 3:17 pm Jessica Says:

    Love you friend. Just keep grownin’ that swirly shit.

  3. On March 17th, 2016 at 5:31 pm a Says:

    Geez! Drink some milk or something! (I keep telling my sister that because she broke her ankle and then something in her hand and we have a family history of osteoporosis. She swears the doctors did a bone density test and she’s fine. I’m not buying it.)

    I guess your philosophy is: If you can’t get it right the first time, keep trying? Glad you’re improving…

  4. On March 17th, 2016 at 7:12 pm juanita Says:

    It’s crazy that your leg just randomly shattered. It also seems like the care you’re receiving is, um….interesting? My mother developed sepsis from a deep infection and today is her 31st day in the hospital. She spent two and a half weeks in the ICU and wasn’t moved to acute care until her doctors were comfortable that her infection had become localized and was cleared from her bloodstream. I’m shocked that you would be administered ECT while fighting a life-threatening infection. I’m shocked that you would be moved to a rehab center (not even remain in the hospital?) while in a coma and still suffering signs of infection. I’m just astounded at all of this.

  5. On March 18th, 2016 at 2:18 am Jodi Says:

    Honestly, it sounds like you have grounds for a lawsuit or two! Have you talked to a lawyer about any of this?

  6. On March 18th, 2016 at 6:45 am Peasant Says:

    Welcome Back! We Missed You!

  7. On March 18th, 2016 at 11:08 am Marian Allen Says:

    Bitch bone is the bestest kind of bone. Just sayin’.

  8. On August 8th, 2016 at 12:05 am Janis Says:

    What an ordeal! Glad you survived it.

  9. On October 29th, 2016 at 8:01 pm -blessed b9 Says:

    STOP your swearing.
    START praying…
    or else it’ll only git worse.

    trustNjesus, dear.
    Meet me Upstairs.
    Let’s getta Big-Ol beer…
    gotta lotta tok bout.

    The more you shall honor Me,
    the more I shall bless you.
    -theInfant Jesus of Prague

  10. On November 29th, 2016 at 1:48 pm therealbitch Says:

    just a friendly reminder to not libel or slander certain people, I am watching you

  11. On March 22nd, 2018 at 5:22 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    And I am watching you, Cupcake.

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