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The Birds -N- The Bees


I’ve been preparing for The Sex Talk with my kids since, oh I don’t know, about week one of Ben’s life or so. It’s always been expected that with my background in nursing and my dabbling into virology/bacteriology the task of embarrassing the bejesus out of our children When The Time Comes. I have a powerpoint planned, honestly, with plenty of disgusting images of genital warts, gonorrhea, chlamydia (o! the search terms that will come).

If they’re gonna hump anyway, I might as well make them DAMN aware of the risks.

Anywhoo, when I got pregnant with Alex, I realized that pulling out a picture of a wart covered weenis was probably overkill, considering he didn’t even know that he himself had testicles. It didn’t matter, at age 5, he wanted to know where babies come from.

Fair question, considering he knew he’d be a big brother soon enough.

The brilliance and perhaps the best part of having my kid be on the autistic spectrum when it comes to these sorts of things is his detachedness (it’s also what makes me want to pull my hair out when I want a hug from him). It makes the telling of these sorts of things a snap, because he has very little emotional response. He accepts things at face value and comes back later on to ask any questions he’s thought of.

Ben is such a literal person, that we decided that the best manner to explain where babies come from is a book. This book.

Diligently we read this with him each and every night, carefully explaining such words as “anus,” “labia,” and “ovary,” and he soaked it up like a wee sponge. The only thing that ever seemed to vex him was how the baby got from the inside to the outside. No answer seemed to assuage his curiosity, and eventually he decided that the most likely exit point–despite my assurances that the baby would come out of my vagina–was through a cut in my belly button.

Well, now that THIS was taken care of, he set about really LEARNING about the baby makin’ crap. And the best way for Ben to learn anything is through singing, so the songs that he would come up with had a decidedly hilarious subject matter.

This one was my favorite, sung in no particular tune:

“There was an egg, sitting in the fallopian tube and a sperm came along and BAM! there was me!”

Thankfully for my delicate sensibilities, I didn’t have to ever explain HOW the sperm from the dad got into the body of the mom, because seriously, he would tell everyone he ever met about that. He just seemed to accept that the sperm somehow got there and that was that.

It went a hell of a lot smoother than the inevitable Sex Talk will, that’s for certain. And I hope, at the very least, that by the time we do have the Sex Talk, he will have outgrown the singing to learn. Because if not, I may shrivel up into a puddle of goo if I have to hear him sing about, “Syphilis is a sexually transmitted disease caused by the spirochetal bacterium Treponema pallidum, and it’s primary form is a chancre.”

What kind of sex talk are you planning on having with your children? Any?

38 Comments to

“The Birds -N- The Bees”

  1. On September 18th, 2008 at 11:39 am chris Says:

    I don’t ever remember having sex talk with my children when they were younger. I’ve had the talk when they were in Middle School.

  2. On September 18th, 2008 at 11:40 am momumo Says:

    ah lucky me — sex talk is all done, well mostly done — ya know, it’s never really over, I’m still asking my mom stuff

    I took my mom’s advice — if they are old enough to be curious, they are old enough for truths — but too much truth is too much, just answer what they ask and leave it at that — they’ll come back when the next question hits if you don’t make a big deal of it. She was right — oddly — the girls come up with questions when I’m not around, so they ask their dad things like “what’s an orgasm feel like?” or “do penises really get hard?” — and oddly, the boy has asked me things like “why do girls have periods?” — also, love it or not, youngest daughter at about 9 years old graced the ENTIRE family at Thanksgiving dinner with “why are condoms flavored?” — we took each one separately, it’s worked very well — I do however, with the boy, continue to mention at random moments how if he sticks that thing just anywhere it’s likely it could get really itchy and ooze green stuff — so don’t be sticking it where a whole bunch of other pigs have put theirs. My girls are still spouting the “I won’t have sex till I’m in love” — but the one in College has stated that she realizes she probably won’t wait til she’s married — um really? wow imagine that? – color me surprised – ha!

  3. On September 18th, 2008 at 11:41 am Rachel Says:

    Haha, I have the added pleasure of explaining to my daughter where Mr. Farty came from, with the whole sperm bank issue. She is just pissed that she has to go to her dad’s in the summer and he doesn’t. As far as how kids are ‘usually’ made, I look to cable tv…Discovery channel, TLC, etc. Pretty graphic, but does the job.

  4. On September 18th, 2008 at 11:46 am guilty noodles Says:

    My seven year old has yet to ask me… I think we have a VHS tape from back in the day when we worried that my stepson would ask. Of course, the tape still remains unopened because he never asked either. I think it’s a genetic thing. The obliviousness gene.

    On the other hand, I was out at dinner with a group of friends last night and one of my friends told her experience with her seven year old. She approached it with the whole “daddy makes seeds in his penis, plants it in mommy’s tummy and the baby grows in her belly.”

    Six months later, he asked, “How does the seed that a man makes in his penis get in a woman’s mouth?”

    By telling her son the “planting seed in tummy” business, he assumed the only entry was orally.

  5. On September 18th, 2008 at 11:55 am SciFi Dad Says:

    My daughter is quite curious too, so we went with What to Expect When the New Baby Comes Home by Heidi Murkoff. It’s narrated by Angus the dog, and basically gives all the terms and concepts without getting too explicit (she’s only 3.5).

  6. On September 18th, 2008 at 11:58 am baseballmom Says:

    Mine got the movie in fifth grade, then we talked about it, and I answered any questions. He knows that if he has questions, he can ask me…we add humor so it’s not intimidating, and really it’s kind of fun!

  7. On September 18th, 2008 at 12:01 pm honeywine Says:

    I shall spend the entire afternoon singing about menses in your honor. 😉

  8. On September 18th, 2008 at 12:10 pm Badass Geek Says:

    I never, not even once, got the Sex Talk from my parents. I guess they figured that I would find out on my own.

    Which, I did, after a few embarassing mistakes.

  9. On September 18th, 2008 at 12:14 pm Marie Says:

    I was just thinking I would let E watch South Park and Family Guy and my job would be done.

  10. On September 18th, 2008 at 12:25 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    The most important thing I’ve tried to do is make sure my boys know that can talk to me about anything. I told my oldest when he started getting interested in girls that I wanted to know when he got his first kiss, etc., because it’s exciting (read:scary for mommy) and want to share things with him. I want him to feel comfortable asking me questions or telling me things like that, so I am careful never to let my fear show! I also promised them that I would always be honest.

  11. On September 18th, 2008 at 12:31 pm KT Says:

    Yes, I’ve had this talk with my oldest. It went remarkably well. I wrote about it on my blog. Here.

  12. On September 18th, 2008 at 12:41 pm Jenn Says:

    I don’t think about it. I never plan ahead for shit like that beacuse then I stress over whether or not I’m doing it the “right” way. I figure I’ll just wing it when they start asking questions. Which I’m hoping they won’t do until they are in their 20s, haha.

  13. On September 18th, 2008 at 12:48 pm Kristen Says:

    I love this topic! My eldest is so very scientific that these discussions were easy especially when he was young. But having no filters meant the inevitable explaining to his little girlfriends’ mothers why my son said he was going to put his sperm in them.
    His favourite book when he was 5 was the Usborne MY Body book, it even explains that the daddy’s penis gets stiff and … well you know. And he could read it himself.

    I love the songs though, that is hilarious. Maybe he could make some std teaching videos for youtube. Harness that talent.

  14. On September 18th, 2008 at 1:16 pm Susan Says:

    We just take it as the questions come. My policy is that every question gets an honest and age appropriate answer. This can lead to some pretty frank discussions but so far, my kids come to me or their dad with their “sensitive,” questions. However, they all believe that girls don’t fart. Well, it might sound like Mom does occasionally but it smells like white iris.

  15. On September 18th, 2008 at 1:43 pm sara Says:

    Wait….are you telling me that eventually I’ll have to tell our little girl about things like sex and where babies come from? How the heck am I going to do that? Are you for hire? Seriously…how the heck am I going to do that?

    Sounds like you did a good job sweetie 🙂

  16. On September 18th, 2008 at 1:54 pm docgrumbles Says:

    well, I haven’t planned one out yet, but I know I don’t want to do what my parents did (tell waaay too much too soon and expect a child to then share in dirty jokes and such). I hope to have the assistance of a book or video – not to rely on it to tell the story, but to have an outline and some visuals on hand.

  17. On September 18th, 2008 at 2:01 pm BB Says:

    We used the same book that you are using. My oldest is 8 1/2, so we didn’t elaborate on anything unless she had a specific question. I am still not sure what the actual sex talk will include. I just want to be the one to give them the information, instead of their friends. I remember a girl at my daughter’s 7th birthday party sleepover was talking about wanting to lay naked with a boy and kiss him. I think my husband came close to a heart attack when he heard that conversation.

  18. On September 18th, 2008 at 2:21 pm badgermama Says:

    I really like the comic book “It’s So Amazing!” — for kids around 3 years old you can read it to them out loud, and for older kids, they love to read it over and over. The illustration of the egg’s epic journey down the Fallopian tubes is so great — and the sperm all going “Wheeee! ” as they shoot out of the tip of the penis. I swear. You have to read it!

  19. On September 18th, 2008 at 3:23 pm Lola Says:

    I’m sure I’ll come up with something as I’m wrapping his entire body in a condom!

  20. On September 18th, 2008 at 3:57 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I never got the sex talk from my parents when I was growing up! We’ve always used proper words for body parts and such with the boys, since they were toddlers; however, we’ve never made much of the whole ‘talk’ part of the talk. Now that I have a middle school boy (who did have the health lessons for a week last year), I know we’re on path to have it soon. Especially since girls are calling the house for him all the time and, I figure, girls are going to start looking a lot more interesting to him soon enough. I also have looked at several different books at while working to see which one might be the best way for us to have a platform by which to broach the subject with them.

  21. On September 18th, 2008 at 4:23 pm stacey k Says:

    I got shoved a book in my face “where did I come from” and wasn’t allowed to ask any questions…
    “it’s all in that book” my mom said…..oh great.

    I have boy–now 18 and 13…and I’ve never been a prude about talking of that sort of thing with them. I’m of the opinion—if they are asking they must want to know—and at 8 for the oldest I didn’t see any reason to sugar coat it or talk in baby term…i told him straight up..not w/ pictures or great detail….just that sex is somthing that a man and woman who are in love do to show affection….now—fast forward to boy puberty….and internet porn!!! OMG—we had already had the talk about sex between a man and a woman…but hadn’t really stumbled on the “self pleasuring” subject much…but it had to be done(as my bathroom was tied up more than a soroity house on date night)…keep in mind i’m divorced from their father…so my explanaion was that everyone does it…and their not sick or perverted–just horny. The question came up “does daddy do it to”—i smiled and said—“oh yes…every day i’m sure”—revenge is sweet 😉
    when my youngest was 7 he did asked where the baby comes out from….so I told him “from the woman’s pee pee”…to which he turned to me and said—“Oh you mean her VAAAGIIINNAAAA!!!”…to which I said I guess I can stop calling it a pee pee now…but yes that’s where.

  22. On September 18th, 2008 at 4:39 pm Natalie Says:

    I am living proof that sometimes waiting for the kid to ask questions fails miserably. I never asked. Don’t know why, I was a pretty curious kid… maybe because I knew my parents were really embarassed about anything like that, maybe because it never occurred to me to ask. In any case, I learned what sex was and how babies were made when I was sitting in my fifth grade classroom. Now THAT was embarassing. Everyone else was sniggering and apparently knew what was going on. I was sitting there going, WTF??? So. Yeah. Not a fan of that method.

    I plan to just talk with my kids whenever the topic comes up… if they ever seem curious… if someone’s pregnant… whatever. NOt sure how I’ll do it. But I’m not going to wait until they’re 10, either.

  23. On September 18th, 2008 at 4:50 pm giggleblue Says:

    you mean babies don’t get dropped off by the stork??? shit!

  24. On September 18th, 2008 at 6:04 pm heather... Says:

    I’m really hoping that she finds out the way I did – from a friend’s older brother.

  25. On September 18th, 2008 at 6:06 pm tryingin2007 Says:

    where do babies come from? simple. IVF in the lab.


  26. On September 18th, 2008 at 6:49 pm Emily R Says:

    Yeah, when I posted on this topic, people skewered me for not being honest enough (in their estimation) about the details. Because my kid DID want to know how the baby got in there.

  27. On September 18th, 2008 at 7:17 pm Maria Says:

    S told me I had a “hairy butt” in the bath tub last night. But hopefully I still have like 6 years until Sex Talks need to happen beyond, “no, that’s mama’s ladyhair.”

  28. On September 18th, 2008 at 7:39 pm Collette Says:

    I plan to send you an e-mail and ask for that power point.

  29. On September 18th, 2008 at 7:40 pm Collette Says:

    Maria – my daughter told me I had a hairy butt in the shower about a year ago. I thought I was the only one!

  30. On September 18th, 2008 at 8:00 pm Lainey-Paney Says:

    our little guy is almost 3. he seems to be pretty accepting of “you grew in Mommy’s tummy” for now, but his head-butting attempts of trying to get back in there are getting harder & harder to handle.

  31. On September 18th, 2008 at 10:12 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    that song is a riot!

    MQ knows all the proper names, and knows that the baby comes out of the vagina (her first response “that’s silly!” – you’re tellin’ me, kid!) but THANKFULLY she has not yet asked how the baby gets IN

    I have a book, actually, somewhere, that’s the same book my parents used with me. I should probably find it and have it ready for when the day comes.

  32. On September 18th, 2008 at 10:20 pm Melissa Says:

    My mom took me for a ride in the car. Because if she didn’t look me then I wouldn’t giggle when she said vagina or penis.

    I was watching a show yesterday (don’t remember which one) and Dr. Ruth was saying you should discuss sex with your kids once they are 3. Um, ok. Can you see her knowing that?

    And yes, when the Divas are old enough we will be having the talk. However, I might send them to Aunt Becky’s. A picture is worth 1000 words… especially if it keeps boys out of their pants…

  33. On September 18th, 2008 at 11:22 pm kate Says: i have to?

  34. On September 18th, 2008 at 11:23 pm kate Says:

    wait, i just figured it out.

    i’m going to start singing alex’s song when we’re all hanging around together.

    that should work, don’t you think?

  35. On September 19th, 2008 at 9:17 am Candid Engineer Says:

    I like your son’s song. That made me laugh. Sounds like a great book, and I’ve taken the liberty to bookmark it so that years and years down the road I will have some clue as to how to handle this subject. 🙂

  36. On September 19th, 2008 at 2:32 pm tash Says:

    I’m sure we’ll have the “where babies come from” talk sooner than later — but need to decide how much extraneous stuff we want to add to that. It sounds a bit more romatic and positive when we leave out pharmaceuticals, though doesn’t it.

    But yes, later, we’ll have a chat. I was very fortunate that even tho there wasn’t a chat per se, I had enough self-confidence and wherewithall not to do anything too stupid. Somehow I need to make sure she winds up at a similar place, and double check to make sure. In my mind, that’s actually the tougher job — helping her become a person that wants to treat herself well — than the actual “talk.”

  37. On September 20th, 2008 at 8:22 pm Sarah Says:

    The very straight-forward, this is gonna-embarass-you-way-more-than-me kind. The oh-please-your-mama-was-a-Sailor-do-you-really-believe-I-haven’t-already-heard-of-it-or-seen-it-in-living-Thai-color kind. Along with a hopeful dose of “use it or lose it” does not necessarily apply to ALL areas of your life… at least not until you’re 21 or so. And a quick shot of but “if you’re gonna spew, spew in this” to even it out. I hope. I think. We’re not too bashful around here.

  38. On September 22nd, 2008 at 9:08 pm mandy Says:

    None! Everrrr.

    I don’t want to talk about it again. Never. Please G NOOOOOOOOO!

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