A couple of months ago after a particularly awesome boning session, The Daver and I were laying in bed talking. For the life of me I can’t remember how the comment got brought up because you’d think it would really be kind of important, but it the implications were that Dave disclosed that there were actually ugly vaginas. And that he’d seen them before. I’d never thought of a vagina as ugly before and was immediately on edge.

Scared now, I retorted with, “You mean like the porn roast beef puss?” which was genuinely what I’d thought he meant.

“Nope,” said The Daver. “I hate to break it to you Becky, but some vaginas are just kind of ugly.”

A phobia was born.

Let’s be clear here, Internet. I am not the type of person that likes to get up close and personal with a hand mirror and my crotch. I figured that vaginas, like penises, were all a little different looking, and all a little FUNNY looking, but ugly? Hm, well, if Daver was saying so, it was probably true because even to save his own lily white ass, the man cannot lie.

Well, of course my next thought was if SOME vaginas were funny looking, did that mean that MINE was? I started gnawing on my thumb nail nervously as I remembered how large my newborn son’s head was and how small a vagina is. I quietly processed this in the dark, my eyes as wide as saucers until I quietly piped up with,

“Is having sex with me like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?”

I may have to call in an impartial third party because The Daver couldn’t stop laughing long enough to answer me.

That’s fine.

The next time he brings it up, I’ll tell him that I think penises look like the Alien from Aliens.