Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Battle Continues…



“No, Alex! Say Dada, Dadadadadada!”


“NO Alex! Say Ben, Benbenbenbenben!”


“NO Alex, say Mamamamama!”


No thanks to my mother, who at the time when I was a (oops!) baby worked on the dangerous/criminal floor of the nearby mental instituition, my first word was “Fuck,” which is still one of my favorite words ever (followed closely by “googley” which just cracks me up. Say it out loud, all drawn out….hilarity!). I said it in front of my highly conservative grandmother, which left my mother stammering, red-faced and embarrassed to explain that what I had ACTUALLY said was “Duck.”

Ben’s first word was “Tock-tock” after the grandfather clock that he spent many hours as a baby, walker abutting it, staring at in wonderment (is that a word?), oogling the pendulum and it’s constant back and forth movement.

Dave, my guess, first said something wholesome or another like “Christian” or “Crusader.” It’s purely speculation on my own part, but as the phrase goes, if the shoe fits…

Poor Alex, with all of us desperately vying for our names to be his first word, is going to grow up thinking that all of our names are “NOMommy,” “NOBen” and “NODaddy.” I think that we all need a new hobby.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to press the Play button on the tape player in his bedroom to try and tap into his subconsciousness. What is on the tape, you ask? Oh, nothing, really… okay, it’s just an audiotape of myself saying “Mommy” over and over again.

I turn the tables on YOU, dear reader, what was YOUR first word? (and if it’s a good enough story/word, I’ll send you an awesome prize (because who DOESN’T like mail?)…and no, it’s not an autographed picture of myself).

posted under The Sausage Factory
9 Comments to

“The Battle Continues…”

  1. On November 5th, 2007 at 2:06 pm Ashley Says:

    My 1st was the typical Mama. However, both kitty and cheese followed that. Doesn’t surprise you at all, does it? N

  2. On November 5th, 2007 at 2:13 pm Tony Says:

    I dont know what my first was, but apparently I was a lot like Stewey from ‘family guy’, and talking DOWN to adults by the time I was 2. Not the best way to make a haul come christmas time..

    My sisters first word was ‘Brother’. Before you think about how cut that is, you need to understand it was a prelude to her first sentance ‘Brother did it’, ‘Brother broke it’ and of course, ‘Brother hit me’.

  3. On November 5th, 2007 at 2:21 pm Calliope Says:

    according to the lore of my stylin’ 70’s era babybook, my first word was “quack”. And given the mental health of my mother at the moment I could have been on to something. heh. Then there is the entry in my baby book that describes how annoying I was about the word “up”.As in I needed to be picked up, lifted up, or raised up all the damn day. It is also noted that as I was such a fan of being picked up that I decided not to walk until I was 14 months old. yikes!

  4. On November 5th, 2007 at 8:03 pm melissa Says:

    Sadly, I don’t know what my first word was, but my son’s first word is the cat’s name – and it is his ONLY word so far, except for random “mama’s” and “dada’s”.

  5. On November 6th, 2007 at 2:02 pm Melissa C Says:

    I’m not sure about my 1st word either, but my Mom still blushes fiercly when recalling my first road trip with her and my (very religious & up-tight) aunt & uncle.

    I was an early talker, and spoke very clearly almost from the beginning. My enunciation was clear as a bell; nobody ever had any trouble understanding exactly what I was saying. Unfortunately, I did have trouble with one sound… “tr” (I used an “F” sound instead)

    Now, picture a LONG road trip, religious relatives, a young mother with her precocious toddler who INSISTED upon pointing out every single TRuck on the road…

  6. On November 6th, 2007 at 2:45 pm becky Says:


    Ashley, yep, it fits. My SECOND word was “money.” Yeah, I haven’t changed much, have I?

    Cali, that’s adorable. Just adorable. I wish I had a 70’s era scrap book! That’s awesome.

    Melissa, that’s cute as hell. I love kids.

  7. On November 7th, 2007 at 12:26 am bri Says:

    You are like me!!! My first word was Shit. I have always been proud. I hope Beck follows the lead and therefore I curse liberally in front of him. Wes’ first word, predictably, was his dog’s name. He hopes the same for Beck, of course.

  8. On November 7th, 2007 at 4:04 pm becky Says:

    Bri, you and I must be soul sisters! Hilarious!

  9. On March 2nd, 2012 at 11:39 am Carrie M Says:

    Not my first word, but this story is just too freakin funny not to post!!!

    When I was growing up my mom babysat, this little boy named Justin. Whose first word was truck…Not funny you say….Well when the 1 yr old can not pronounce his tr sound yet, the word truck comes out as f…And Justin bless his little pea pickin heart LOVED him some trucks or as he would say fucks…

    We had a death in the family and had to take Justin with us when they had the funeral. Well while there, 2 firemen walked in, and in front of God and everybody sweet little Justin stands up and yells FIREFUCK FIGHTERS!!! FIREFUCK FIGHTERS!!!…..still cracks me up

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