Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Thar Be Vultures Afoot


Since moving The Guy On My Couch onto my couch, we’ve had a lot of desserts around. We all know I can’t cook. Shit, I’ve burned Jello and tried to microwave a can of SlimFast (not recommended, by the by), and not been even the slightest bit put off by it.

But the Guy On My Couch can cook. He LIKES to cook. He also likes home repairs and would probably clean the pool if the one I had wasn’t four feet across and made entirely of plastic. And no, you cannot have him for yourself. MY Guy On The Couch.

(he doesn’t know that he’s never moving out)

Anyway, he likes making desserts for the crotch parasites, who, in turn, love him more than they love Mario. Which is a lot.

This week, he made them a cake. A white cake with chocolate buttercream frosting THAT DIDN’T COME FROM A CAN. Did you know that you can HAVE frosting without using a can?

(my next invention: aresolized frosting)(PATENT PENDING, MOTHERFUCKERS)

It’s not been a great week for Child Behavior around these here parts – I’m sick, you’re sick, we’re all sick, which means I have three extraordinarily crabby children fighting over who gets to the top of the stairs first and who gets to use what cup (despite having three identical cups).

So I haven’t been doling out the cake. I figure, why reward bad behavior? The cake has been largely untouched by the rest of the house, since, well, it looks better on your ass than mine.

(hey, have you been working out? You look HOT in those pants).

I woke up this morning to see this:

The remains of the cake.

The vultures have been steadily removing frosting from the top of the cake when I was too busy playing Angry Birds or watching dancing cat videos.

You can’t help but laugh.

Wait, what’s that next to the cake? (hint: it’s not Hong Kong Fooey)

Why, it’s one of the Twitter Klout Perks I got!

With Klout like THIS how could I ever want anything else?

Seriously, does ANYONE want a Banana Hanger? Because I keep thinking “Banana Hammock” and laughing, which means it’s going to stay in it’s box for the rest of eternity (or until I get low on my “throw/donate one thing away every day” resolution).

P.S. Klout, you are a genius.

23 Comments to

“Thar Be Vultures Afoot”

  1. On February 10th, 2012 at 12:29 pm Barbara Says:

    Klout sent me lots of wrinkle cream. I’m not sure if I’m more offended or grateful.

  2. On February 10th, 2012 at 12:30 pm Just Me Says:

    I don’t want a banana hanger. I refuse to promote cruelty toward bananas. It’s bad enough to just eat them, let alone HANG the poor suckers. Besides, to use it, I”d have to do my dishes enough to find countertop space.

  3. On February 10th, 2012 at 12:37 pm Andrea Says:

    I totally thought banana hammock, too. I keep getting mental images of your kids as crabs when I read “crotch parasites.” yuck.

  4. On February 10th, 2012 at 12:41 pm Christine Says:

    I didn’t get the banana hangar either! Believe it or not, I already have one, but it’s ruined now because I won’t be able to look at it without thinking “banana hammock”. I did get the wrinkle cream though and my pool definitely needs some attention. Wait. This wasn’t about me?

  5. On February 10th, 2012 at 1:07 pm Rie Says:

    Actually, I really do want a banana hanger.

  6. On February 10th, 2012 at 1:10 pm Jen C Says:

    Ha @ the cake…too funny. My 4 year old daughter would LOVE a banana hanger…she keeps begging me to buy her one lol.

  7. On February 10th, 2012 at 1:16 pm thepsychobabble Says:

    klout sent me a tiny little bottle of axe hair stuff. The four year old was quite impressed with what it did for his mohawk. Maybe I’d get more perks if I paid attention to either my klout or my twitter?

  8. On February 10th, 2012 at 1:38 pm leanne Says:

    I am totally distracted by the thought of buttercream frosting. OMG, LOVE that stuff. So I guess what I am saying is that I’d totally scrape the frosting off the cake, too ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. On February 10th, 2012 at 8:27 pm Weekly Joy Says:

    I”m with you Leanne! ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. On February 10th, 2012 at 2:06 pm Mental Manic aka Pam Says:

    Hi There!

    I think I want ur man on the couch please.

  11. On February 10th, 2012 at 3:14 pm Wombat Central Says:

    Heh heh. Banana hammock.

  12. On February 10th, 2012 at 3:48 pm alaina Says:

    I think Pillsbury already invented aerosol frosting. Damn them and that little doughboy.

  13. On February 10th, 2012 at 5:24 pm Cindy Says:

    oh mah gawd. Banana Hammock. Now I have snorted soda pop onto my new laptop. You rock!

  14. On February 10th, 2012 at 5:47 pm Nellie Vaughn Says:

    Considering I eat my bananas when they are close to black, they would just fall off the hanger and fall on my delicious cake from a box.

  15. On February 10th, 2012 at 6:28 pm Christina Fisher Says:

    Pillsbury totally got you on thรจ aerosol frosting, yo. It’s pretty awesome for all-you-want frosting, though!

  16. On February 10th, 2012 at 8:26 pm Weekly Joy Says:

    LOL- 1. I totally bought a banana hanger on purpose and am jealous you got yours for free!
    2. I didn’t know what banana hammock meant and when Phoebe on friends changed her name to Princess Consuela Banana Hannock I thought it was just a really funny name and went around saying I was going to change my name to that…in meetings in a corporate setting. Until someone finally took pity on me and told me what it meant! DOH!

  17. On February 10th, 2012 at 9:32 pm Kristin Says:

    Damn, you got a banana hanger hammock and all I got deodorant and wine and cards but the wine…mmmmmm.

  18. On February 11th, 2012 at 6:33 am Laura Warden Says:

    Still cracking up about microwaving a can of Slim Fast, LOL. ๐Ÿ™‚

  19. On February 11th, 2012 at 5:15 pm Deidre Says:

    Hah – I kept reading banana hammock too – funny.

  20. On February 11th, 2012 at 6:49 pm Pasc Says:

    The aerosol frosting EXISTS! Also, EWWW!!

    Even better (read: more disturbing) is this handy dandy invention:ย

  21. On February 11th, 2012 at 10:31 pm Stones are Shiny Says:

    Terrible, lazy cook here! Want soft, gooey, edible tasting truffles without setting the bedroom on fire? Well, first, figure out how the hell you got the fire all the way to the bedroom, and then get some chocolate (8 oz). Melt it. Put in 1 cup hot water spoon by spoon. Stir each time, pour in some cups, and shove it in a fridge to freeze to death until the next day. Instant truffle in a cup! If your bed still ends up in flames, at least you have melted chocolate. ๐Ÿ˜€

    This here fancy chocolate water slop, is also known as Water Ganache. I always make it near Valentines (being on time is for squares) to make myself feel like I care about getting something for people. I think. Most of the time I just hog it for myself and hiss at anyone who looks at it.

  22. On February 12th, 2012 at 4:34 pm Tricia @sassypantsmomma Says:

    I don’t understand how the whole Klout thing works but signed up anyway. They haven’t sent me shit!

  23. On February 12th, 2012 at 7:49 pm Marta Says:

    1. How do I get such a fabulous man on my couch? The man in my bed doesn’t do those things.

    2. How do you get such great perks? I have always wanted a banana hook. How else to properly display my bananas?

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...