Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



It’s been a weird year. Probably weirder than I’ve been able to properly impart upon you, my Pranksters, because, well, some things are not for Internet Consumption (until they are, of course).

It’s been a year of loss.

I’ve lost two beloved family members to the great big gig in the sky. I’ve lost a relationship with another. Countless friendships have been disbanded.

Some of these things are my fault. Not, of course, the dead people. I leave the killing to my Television Husband Dexter. And I SWEAR I have an alibi – just ask The Twitter.

(sidebar: you know you have good friends when they’ll tell the world that OF COURSE they were with you that one night).

But in the midst of the chaos and sadness surrounding the losses, The Universe has reminded me time and time again that from struggles come redemption. And from redemption comes new beginnings – a new life.

Perhaps I will not walk out of this year the same person who walked in, but, let’s be honest, why would I want to?

So today, on American Thanksgiving, instead of bemoaning what no longer is, I am thanksful for what has become. If we can only exist in this moment, well, this moment is pretty fucking beautiful.

Instead of stuffing myself with turkey and green bean casserole with the kids, I will instead put up the Christmas lights, warble Christmas carols, and, most of all, count my blessings.

One by motherfucking one.

0) I am thankful I do not own a Team Edward or Team Jacob shirt.

1) Likewise, I’m thankful (and slightly superior) that I’ve never seen, read, or been in the same room with one of the Twilight series.

1) I’m thankful for Strawberry Slim Fast and Uncrustables, without which I would’ve gone hungry. Or gotten scurvy. Or both.

2) I’m thankful that Britney’s new album is (quite possibly) her best. Also: she follows me on The Twitter. Along with 80,000 other people. I just KNOW she’s reading my tweets!

3) My kids, who remind me that one should never, ever take life too seriously, and that I’m never too old for a good poo joke.

5) My friends, my Pranksters, who remind me that it’s okay to be weak sometimes. Who remind me that – no matter what – they will catch me when I fall. Even if I fall hard.

8) I’m thankful that I’ve been able to write – and freelance – every single day of the year. Maybe it’s not a book (turns out, I’m kinda chickenshit about the whole book thing) , but maybe that doesn’t matter.

13) I’m thankful that I had the opportunity to know and love those who I have lost. They have each taught me something, and for that I am grateful.

21) I’m thankful to have imported someone to make me coffee. Because it’s kinda pathetic to admit to the world that you cannot make a cup of coffee. It’s much easier to take credit for someone else’s work.

34) Most of all, I’m thankful for this picture:

Happy, Happy Thanksgiving, Pranksters.

P.S. What are you thankful for?

23 Comments to


  1. On November 24th, 2011 at 12:11 pm Michelle Says:

    You, for one thing. You inspire me, and also incite just a tinge of envy for your bravery in showing the world exactly who you are and what you think. Happy Thanksgiving, Becky.

  2. On November 24th, 2011 at 12:12 pm Beth Says:

    I own a Team Edward & a Team Jacob shirt. Worse yet? I designed them where I work. Yep.

    While this Thanksgiving has proved to be… challenging… I am extremely grateful for my son who is home and healthy and happy, for my wonderful husband who is helping me with the less than wonderful parts of the season, and the rest of our family and friends who offer so much support all year long.

  3. On November 24th, 2011 at 12:15 pm gorillabuns Says:

    I love you have not read, seen or wear anything related to Twilight. My love for you has grown even more.

  4. On November 24th, 2011 at 12:16 pm Kathleen Says:

    Me, I’m thankful for the loved ones who add such abundance to my life.

  5. On November 24th, 2011 at 12:24 pm Leanne Shirtliffe Says:

    Love that your TV husband is Dexter. Mine is Jim Halpern from the Office (but sometimes Dwight and occasionally Creed.

    I’m thankful Britney follows you. Or I’d have to ask you to hit me baby one more time.

    Happy Turkey Day from Canada, where it’s just plain ol’ November 24.

  6. On November 24th, 2011 at 12:58 pm Meg Says:

    I am thankful for birth control and cheese sammiches. And my dear AB of course 🙂

  7. On November 24th, 2011 at 1:02 pm Maria Says:

    This is the Team Edward shirt that everyone needs.

    Also, I am thankful for my Old Hawaiian Dude, who seriously turned my life to the better. And cooks.

  8. On November 24th, 2011 at 1:59 pm leigh Says:

    and i, i am thankful for you, aunt becky.

    you inspire me.

  9. On November 24th, 2011 at 2:19 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    I’m thankful for my family (most of it, anyway).

    I’m thankful that I can say/write all I want about anything I want.

    Thankful to AB for saying (indirectly) ‘Kwitcherbitchin, put on your big girl panties, and DO that writing you keep talking about,’ and keeping me entertained with her own words in the process.

    Thankful for the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals, and the people here & on BBT for helping me remember that it’s not a personal failing to have brain that needs them.

    Ah, crap, now I’m getting all soggy. I think I’ll start being thankful for the bottle of wine waiting in the kitchen that probably won’t live long enough to actually be served with dinner.

  10. On November 24th, 2011 at 4:47 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    Hmm…well, I have read/watched/been in the same room as twilight. And i’m thankful for the website reasoning with vampires. Pure hilarity.

  11. On November 24th, 2011 at 6:05 pm jolie Says:

    I am thankful that I can admit to you, my dear friend, that I just watched the first Twilight movie on tv the other night. *sigh* I do not see the fascination, but did enjoy parts of it when I wasnt making fun of it. (really, he sparkles? bwa ha ha ha!!)
    I am thankful that I can feel open to admit anything to you and you’d still be my friend! thaqt is the kind of love that we all need.
    Happy thanksgiving to you my dear AB!!! 🙂

  12. On November 24th, 2011 at 6:20 pm Jennifer @therebelchick Says:

    I’m thankful that I’ve found your blog! Also, Dexter is MY pretend TV husband, so you can’t have him!

  13. On November 24th, 2011 at 11:05 pm The Anonymous Asker Says:

    I am thankful for the most AWESOME family a girl could ask for, as they pick me up, prop me up, and put up with me. I am thankful the The Divorce From Hell is over and I have my sweet little boy. I am thankful to have survived and escaped an emotionally abusive marriage and that I am finding that I am stronger and smarter now than when I married him (thanks in no small part to you ad the Pranksters on both counts!)
    I am also thankful that I am Twilight-clueless even as I turn into a Tolstoy-reading Harry Potter nerd. And? I am thankful that my Christmas shopping is done so I don’t have to brave stores on Black Friday!
    Love you guys

  14. On November 24th, 2011 at 11:06 pm Caroline Says:

    I’m thankful for my the roof over my head. While so many people are doing without the basics, I have been fortunate enough to hang in there.

  15. On November 24th, 2011 at 11:12 pm Wombat Central Says:

    Well, I’m thankful for all the wonderful womens of the Internets like you.

    This morning I was thankful for the earplugs I was wearing. Not only did they help to drown out loud relatives while I was trying to sleep on the couch for the night, but they may very well have protected mah brains from an EARWIG! There I was waking up to the day and I saw one marching along the back of the couch headed straight for mah grey matterz. I immediately thought, “What would Aunt Becky do?” So I obliterated the little bastard. Then I did the “ZOMG that was gross” dance, complete with flailing arms.

  16. On November 26th, 2011 at 9:49 am Grace Says:

    I think I may have just peed a little.

  17. On November 25th, 2011 at 10:41 am Jes Says:

    Hey A.B.,

    I’m late to the party (when am I fucking not), but thought I’d add mine in. My Thankful moment yesterday was a jaw dropping one at the Wounded Warrior Barracks, as the husband homie just took off running for about 20 feet, for the first time in almost 2 years since he was injured. We all WTF-ed because, hi? Where did THAT come from?! He just shrugged and said ‘Just felt like trying’. And then, because Marines don’t DO feelings (hi, feelings get you killed blah blah, they are all big teddy bears), all of his buddies pushed him down and they started a mock fight. And what was I doing? Yelling in true grunt wife fashion ” WHAT THE FUCK, HOPALONG, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU NOW? PRETTY RUNNING PONY OF THE SUN? You ruined my nickname. Here’s a fucking beer and a high five. Hop a dick”.

  18. On November 25th, 2011 at 5:25 pm Miss Adventure Says:

    I am thankful that I only ended up drinking 5 Smirnoff Ices yesterday to try to stave off The Daddy’s brother (one too many, bleurgh) and that we didn’t end up doing a bonfire, because I feel pretty sure that the way the kids were bouncing around the house, we would have ended up with some accidental immolation.

    I’m too cynical.

  19. On November 25th, 2011 at 6:40 pm svlechuga Says:

    I am thankful for the blog community, an open space for words and feelings.

  20. On November 26th, 2011 at 9:53 am Grace Says:

    I’m thankful for a chance to start over in a new place. We may not be where we need to be financially, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel and are slowly getting there.

    I’m thankful for my cute little family – especially my baby boy who’s little smiles warm my cold heart every day.

    I’m thankful for my internet friends. And my real life friends. And that the Muppets have finally released a new movie!

  21. On November 26th, 2011 at 10:55 am Wendy Says:

    I’m thankful for bloggers like you who cause me to cover my mouth and stifle a giggle lest I wake up the 4 angry teenagers that call me mom.

  22. On November 29th, 2011 at 12:31 pm leanne Says:

    Yes to 0 and 1!

    I’m thankful for a healthy family… my son who laughed HYSTERICALLY when he first heard “Say hello to my little friend” the other day (though didn’t know the context), my daughter who is all about potty this and potty that (why yes, we are trying to potty train her), and my husband who keeps me giggling and sane.

    And I’m very thankful for friends like you.

  23. On December 3rd, 2011 at 9:39 pm kate hyatt Says:

    You are not on a team but you are married to Dexter. Hum

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