Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Television Husbands I’ve Loved And Lost


Dear My Husband Doctor House,

I *can* call you Greg, can’t I? I mean, because it’s your name and all and because we’re married. Wasn’t our wedding day special? I’ll never forget how your mom cried when we said our vows, and how the light caught your eyes justso and they looked as blue as the Caribbean Sea. And that dress that I wore, how we laughed when the cake got smashed on my train, my elaborate, diamond-encrusted 40 foot train sewn with the tears of Bonsai Kitties.

It was the happiest day of your life.

Being married was the happiest you’ve been: we shared a love of Vicodin cuddly kitties and playing air guitar, of blues music and being cranky assbags, and the satisfaction of always being right. Hell, we’re both snarky windbags. It was a marriage made in heaven hell New Jersey.

I followed you through all of your stupid fellows and obvious attempts at emulating reality television–which, I frequently moaned, was kind of stupid. The cases got pretty annoying, especially when Cut-Throat Bitch was front and center. I hates me some Amber.

Shit, I even supported your co-dependent relationship with James Wilson (whom I find ridiculously attractive, but since I am your wife and he is your BFF, that makes it all pretty awkward)(let’s forget that I said this)(seriously, DROP IT) and your mousy coworker who was obviously in love with you.

But I’ve finally hit my breaking point with you. It’s not your addiction to narcotics rainbows and sparkly unicorns or your overall unpleasantness, no.

I CAUGHT YOU HAVING THE SEX WITH ANOTHER WOMAN ON TELEVISION. How DARE you come home to my television after you had sex with that lady with the fantastic rack? How COULD you flaunt that in front of THE WHOLE WORLD? YOU DIRTY BIRDIE!

How dare you act like you’re not married to some anonymous Midwestern blogger who is no longer anonymous but linked inexplicably in all sorts of places to the lady who drank a fifth of Absolut and killed all of those people? Because. OBVIOUSLY. The same thing.

(don’t compare poor taste with drinking a fifth and driving kids to their death)

So I wept to The Daver–sorry about not telling you that I was already married–and he tried to tell me that you weren’t a REAL PERSON. I screamed at him, yelled that our love, OUR LOVE was REAL and that NOTHING he could say could convince me otherwise.

Until he pulled up Wikipedia.

There you were, Greg House, THERE YOU WERE. Turns out that your name? NOT DOCTOR HOUSE. Your name is a ridiculously English one: Hugh Laurie. I could scarcely believe my own puckered eyeballs! I pulled up a Youtube Video to be sure.

And there you were again! Only this time, instead of sounding like a surly American tortured genius doctor, you sounded like you had a mouthful of marbles! And you were making jokes that simply WEREN’T funny and yet an entire studio of wily Brits were laughing like you were making actual jokes! My brain sort of melted because THEY WEREN’T FUNNY.

So I guess this means we’re over, Doctor House Hugh Laurie Vincent D’Onofrio whatever your name REALLY is. Because while I can overlook the 3 children with another lady–HEY, don’t you DARE point out my glaring hypocrisy! There are people in this world without legs and you shouldn’t…oh look! A blue car! Oh HAPPY DAY!

So good riddance, my third husband from television. I’m sure this fall line up will bring me a new husband, a new LESS OLD BALLS new husband.



I Hate You You Philandering Misogynist

Your Bitch Ass Best Be Leaving Me My Vicodin

Your Former Wife,

Aunt Becky

P.S. Watch out, Cast of Glee. Momma’s HUSBAND-hunting.

87 Comments to

“Television Husbands I’ve Loved And Lost”

  1. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:03 am Jill Says:

    I am shocked and saddened by this post. Because I too have been married to Vincent D’Onofrio, Anthony Bourdain and Hugh Laurie… those three timing rats!!! Guess I’m going to have to go back to my first TV husband, Benjamin Bratt…

    Those filthy whores!

  2. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:09 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Boy are YOU far behind in your tv watching if you just caught that episode!

    Oh, no. TRUST ME. No. I’m just LAZY. But you knew that.

  3. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:10 am Ms. Moon Says:

    You know what? I thoroughly enjoyed that and I don’t even watch House. You’re on a good roll today, Ms. Becky.

    Why thank you, Ms. Moon.

  4. On August 28th, 2009 at 8:32 am Angelique Says:

    “Your Bitch Ass Best Be Leaving Me My Vicodin.” Hahahahaha! My 17 month-old is wondering why Mommy is laughing her ass off right now. Thanks for this.

    And by the way – of course writing a blog that humorously refers to an alcoholic beverage automatically makes you responsible for all the world’s evil. Writing about vodka definitely equates to drinking a whole bottle, then smoking up, then causing half a dozen deaths of mostly children. You are definitely Satan and must be compared to that nutbag alcoholic drug-addict with no regard for human life. Can’t you see that?

    Aunt Becky, you make my day. Here’s to hoping Amelia takes some extra long naps today.


  5. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:34 am Beth Says:

    Please don’t start watching Supernatural. ALL of those hot men are my tv husbands, or rather, TV booty calls.

    I still see Hugh Laurie as Stuart Little’s dad. Plus my next door neighbor kind of resembles him but is neither British nor surly so the effect is lost and I don’t live in one of “those” neighborhoods if you get my drift…

    I also agree with Shanna (comment above me) Nick St. John had a certain thing that made me all drooly and happy. But the chick on that show (who was unfortunately named Beth) made me all stabby.

    You can HAVE them. But you touch Glee, and I’ll punch you in the teeth.

  6. On August 28th, 2009 at 8:44 am Coco Says:

    I literally had to leave my desk to compose myself when I read “Look out, cast of Glee. Momma’s husband hunting.”

    What? I’ll still dance at your Glee wedding. But I won’t do jazz hands. Or any kind of hands.

    P.S. Also, obviously anyone making humorous references to vodka and vicodin is some kind of degenerate who eats baby feet in front of legless people. I mean that’s common knowledge, really.

    You don’t have to do Jazz Hands. You just have to sing some a capella versions of “Gold Digger” or “Hit Me Baby, One More Time.

  7. On August 28th, 2009 at 8:58 am Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Where does one obtain a dress sewn with the tears of Bonzai Kitties? I need one for my upcoming nuptuals with a certain Don Draper.

    I will ship you mine. I *sniff* I can’t even LOOK at my dress anymore.

  8. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:01 am melanie Kerton Says:

    now that was funny….

  9. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:03 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I first saw Hugh Laurie on a British sitcom called Black Adder in the early 1990s. He played the dimwitted Prince of Wales in 1810ish. He appeared from time to time in that series set in other time periods as well. As a result I have never been able to take House seriously or find him remotely attractive. But he was funny as hell in Black Adder.

    My TV spouse, Rick Castle, will be back on soon. I’ve missed him so much!

    I’m hoping that Glee will fill the void. HOPING HOPEFULLY.

  10. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:04 am foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    Despite the fact we can’t have sex because a moment of one true happiness will revert him back to savage, soulless vampire, I am still quite happily married to Angel. I keep telling him he needs to take his shirt off more, though.

    Bwahahahaha! He’s ALL yours.

  11. On August 28th, 2009 at 10:05 am Kate Says:

    I’m so glad you’ve broken up with Dr. House. That leaves him all for me! 🙂 So yeah, he’s having sex with other women on television… I can live with that, seeing as how I’m having sex with another guy, myself.

    Vincent D’Onofrio is my Law & Order hubby and Mark Harmon is my NCIS man. LOVE them!!!

    Good luck finding your new man. You know I want to hear who you settle on!

    I’m wondering if the Lovers of Hugh Laurie will descend upon me like they did when I posted about Vincent D’Onofrio. One can only hope…

  12. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:11 am Nel Says:


    The first time I saw House or Hugh or whatever, I wanted to die. Brittish accent?!? ugh. I want my scruffy House back!


  13. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:12 am Shufuinjapan Says:

    Hi Aunt Becky, first time commenter here. Been a fan for a while now, but always got to the comments too late!

    I have loved and lost too.

    Super Man was my first onscreen husband, followed by MacGyver. Never ever watch the first season of MacGyver, he was a real skank.

    Being a New Zealander, I have watched Dr House since he was a marble mouthed idiot prince in Black Adder – loved him. I agree with Stacey – damn funny.

    Wish we actually got to watch House here in Japan…

    Oh now I want to burn you some DVD’s and ship them to you. That’s just UNFAIR. And it’s nice to meet you!

  14. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:16 am Kerrie Says:

    Wait …. Who were the first two husbands again? I’m currently married to every man on Lost. OH, and Tom Colicchio…Have you SEEN his Diet Coke commercial? And you KNOW how much I love Diet Coke….

    Diet Coke is the sweet, sweet nectar of the Gods.

  15. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:16 am Tara Says:

    Best post eva! I to love Dr. House. In a weird creepy television kind of way. All my coworkers are now looking at me out of the corner of their eye wondering what the hell I’m on now.

    Well, maybe we can approach some sort of custody arrangement. Just because I divorced him doesn’t mean I don’t want a booty-call. “I THINK I HEAR A BOOTY CALL! BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY!”

  16. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:19 am Kori Says:

    While I don’t know this Dr. House of whom you speak, I would like some of the vicodin. I was going ot say I would like some of the rack he was getting, but then I thought that might be a little too, um, strange.

    This chick has a fantastic rack. And you can totally split the Vicodin sad-eyed puppies. with me.

  17. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:23 am Kelly Says:

    You crack my ass up. TV husband hunting….

    It’s highly satisfying! Makes TV watching that much better.

  18. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:24 am Brooke Says:

    Hi-larious! You managed to capture the feelings I have regarding my own failed marriage to Jim Halpert. Things were great… until that Pam came along.

    Thanks for the early morning laugh!

    You’re welcome. Am I a moron because I do not know Jim Halpert? Okay, I AM a moron in general, but does this add to it?

  19. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:24 am Margaret Says:

    I never got the love of Dr. House. I have the same confusion over why people go gaga over Edward Cullen.

    But I cannot wait for Glee to start. I’m such a gleek.

    I would also like to put my hat in the ring for Castle. I love him. Along with Patrick Jane of The Mentalist.

    I feel the same way about Edward Cullen. I kind of want to give him a bath, a hug and some vitamins, not have wild sex on my kitchen table with him.

  20. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:27 am Shanna Says:

    My TV husband is the guy who played Mick St. John on Moonlight. I was so bummed when my vampires disappeared in a puff of smoke. Now I see he is back on some new show about doctors. Can’t wait to watch. He isn’t all that lovely but there is something about him that just cranks my shaft. 😉
    Oh and the doctor on that show about the mental patients, when I remember to watch that one. He has REALLY nice eyes and smile. My mom even has a crush on him. So yeah, we duke it out when we are watching that show. She still kicks my ass, even at 66. 😉

    Here’s where you can mock me because I do not much television. Yeah, go ahead, beat me down.

    BUT REMEMBER, more television husbands for YOU this way.

  21. On August 28th, 2009 at 10:28 am Minnie Says:

    “Your Bitch Ass Best Be Leaving Me My Vicodin.”

    I hear that! I’m like, take the house, the cars, the boat, please keep me on COBRA for at least 18 months and I’ll split custody 50/50.

    Bwahahahaha! I love you.

  22. On August 28th, 2009 at 10:29 am becca Says:

    Hi Aunt Becky –

    First time commenter, but i’ve been in love with your blog and by extension you for a while now. And I’m sorry, no matter how much I love you, I’m totally going to make Will Schuester my TV hubs. I’m sorry, it was decided before I met you and your wonderfulness, and the heart wants what it wants. Maybe we can share? I’m always up for lusty company…

    It’s nice to meet you and yes, I think sharing is the way to go. *waggles eyebrows*

  23. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:31 am a Says:

    I don’t get the attraction of House. Maybe I already have too many cranky, self-important people in my life…

    And, my husband only watches baseball on TV, so I never get to watch anything because it’s not important enough for me to fight about it.

    Although I’ve never had one, I’m sure TV husbands are far less annoying than real husbands. Maybe I should get myself one.

    Television husbands, for example, do not leave SOCK COLONIES around the house. The downside, is, of course, they don’t put out.

  24. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:39 am Leslie Says:

    I just recently started following your blog and have never commented but that was just so funny I had to say great job!

    Well, thank you very much. Nice to meet you.

  25. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:51 am Emilie Says:

    Ah, Hugh Laurie. His transformation to the cool, sexy, AMERICAN Dr. House is a cause of much mockery here in Britain, click the link below for a video..

    I much prefer him as Dr. House, though Blackadder was quite funny.

    I watched a Bit Of Fry and Laurie and about half of it I thought was hysterical and the other half had me going…”those WACKY Brits!”

  26. On August 28th, 2009 at 10:05 am Amanda Says:

    That means I have Dr. Greg (and his addictions) ALL.TO.MY.SELF…

    Why, I’m contemplating my fantasies for this weekend already.
    Did I say that? Inside voice, inside voice….

    Oh, we’re divorced, but we still sleep together. Hope that you’re into that.

  27. On August 28th, 2009 at 10:10 am Yummy Mammy Says:

    I think a little bit of wee just came out I laughed that much.

    And I suppose I did once marry Batman (as in really I did, but he’s not called Batman cause he’s a super hero or anything like that, ah it’s complicated) lol


    I’d totally marry Batman!

  28. On August 28th, 2009 at 10:19 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Oh fuck no. You did NOT steal my TV husband from me.

    I laid claim to him since I first so “A Bit of Frye and Laurie”. And 101 Dalmatians.

    Bitch, don’t even go there. I’ll fight you, whore.

    And don’t make me bring in my third husband, Captain Tight-Pants (aka Nathon Fillion) and my fourth husband Neil Patrick Harris (shut UP! He is *NOT* GAY!! SHUT IT!!!).

    We’ll take you.

    Since I knocked you up with my illegitimate love child, I suppose that we can share.

  29. On August 28th, 2009 at 11:24 am becca Says:

    I’m right there with all the ladies lovin’ on Angel! (Aunt Becky, he was the vampire from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who then got his own spin-off) But does anybody still want him now that he’s an FBI agent on Bones? He’s my part-time TV boyfriend, but I just can’t call him a TV hubby cuz I’m picky and holding out. He’s pretty, whether he’s a gentle vampire or an FBI agent with issues.

    Speaking of the vamps, I’m so surprised no one has claimed any of the True Blood vampire yum-yums as TV hubs…I’m cheating on all my TV boyfriends with Bill from True Blood, that is until Glee starts and I commit my TV love to Mr. Schuester.

    I may have to wrestle you in a pit of baked beans for him.

  30. On August 28th, 2009 at 10:37 am Christa Says:

    Just keep your stinkin paws off my Dean Winchester. But you could totally have his brother.

    The guy from Burn Notice is ONE of my new husbands. I think I am keeping a collection now.

  31. On August 28th, 2009 at 10:38 am Chris in NY Says:

    My tv husband is Bob Harper….the trainer from The Biggest Loser. My real life hubs has his suspicions that Bob is gay. I’m blissfully ignoring him cuz Bob is the hottest thing on my boob-toob since the days of Angel (hated that show but LOVED Angel…yummy). There’s this split-second shot, during the opening song, of Bob doing some kind of impossibly difficult yoga move? Makes me think I need a cold shower BEFORE the show even STARTS!

    Come to think of it…maybe I’ll go shower right now.

    PS….I don’t care if Neil Patrick Harris is gay or not. He’s HOT.

    Okay, so who is Angel? And I second the idea of a cold shower. Rawr!

  32. On August 28th, 2009 at 11:43 am Sarah Says:

    Can’t believe you’ve been whoring around with my mother’s favorite hook-up. Not sure what part of that messes with my mind more.

    I guess, since Don Draper DID save my kitchen and all, I’m going to have to marry his hot ass. And the rest of him, as well!

    He’s my weird old dude husband, that’s for sure. And no, I don’t actually have a daddy complex! I know, weird, right?

  33. On August 28th, 2009 at 10:53 am Sara Says:

    You can have Dr House. My TV husband is Michael Westin from Burn Notice. Makes me miss American tv. Although, I won’t mind buying the seasons on DVD. (That is the ONLY one!)

    And, because I am attracted to nerds (ie my IRL hubby!) I must say that Dr Daniel Jackson from Stargate SG1 is awfully hawt!

    Uh, Sara, maybe you didn’t get the memo that Michael Westin is MY lover. Sorry.

  34. On August 28th, 2009 at 11:08 am Dana Says:

    You know, there is nothing better than popping in on an old “friend” when you’ve had a terribly SUCKY week and having her make you laugh out loud in your cubicle – much to the joy of the co-workers who have been listening to you sob in your cubicle all week!

    *BONUS* Now I can have my cheating, marble-mouthed, not-funny husband back!

    He’s ALL YOURS. The slimy bastard.

  35. On August 28th, 2009 at 11:18 am Vinomom Says:

    I don’t know what that Brooke is talking about because I’M married to Jim Halpert (like from The Office Aunt Becky. Jim and Pam?)

    I had no idea Hugh Laurie was in The Black Adder back in the day. My mom and I used to watch that show on The BBC channel. And I dont know how anybody can’t tell he’s english from the show. His American accent is not that great. It sounds way too refined.

    The best part of that whole post was the Not So Anonymous Mid-Western Blogger part.

    Cuz clearly, it’s the same thing.


  36. On August 28th, 2009 at 11:20 am mumma boo Says:

    You all can have Angel, because I have him in his new incarnation – Seely Booth. *swoon* He can handcuff and frisk me any time. 😉
    Come to think of it, Hugh’s former partner Stephen Fry shows up on “Bones” every once in a while. But he doesn’t make me swoon like Seely. Ah, Seely. *faints dead away*

    I’ll have to check out Stephen Fry. Is he dead sexy too? I love funny guys.

  37. On August 28th, 2009 at 12:23 pm moonspun Says:

    You are so hilarious…I wish I could even think things that funny, let alone write them down for dozens of adoring fans to read them!

    Now I am blushing mightily. Thank you.

  38. On August 28th, 2009 at 11:28 am Holli Says:

    I love, love, love this show.

    Me too. It rules.

  39. On August 28th, 2009 at 11:34 am Kelly Says:

    My friends think I’m crazy because I have had a dream or two about getting skanky with Dr. House (Not Hugh Laurie, but “Dr. House” – as you know, it’s a HUGE difference). I can’t help it, his eyes sparkle and sadly, his bad-boy personality turns me on. Ha!! But then again, I love James Wilson too (I prefer to call him James, because we’re tight like that *crosses fingers*). He’s so helpless and adorable.

    As for new tv husbands what about Jim Halpert on The Office? Jason Stackhouse on True Blood? Justin Walker on Brothers & Sisters? Seth Meyers on SNL? Jim Bob Duggar on 18 Kids and Counting? HAHA! Just kidding on the last one, unless you want to give birth to 15 more children.

    I totally want to make sweet monkey love to Wilson.

  40. On August 28th, 2009 at 11:39 am Belle Says:

    One hundred percent agreed. House is a thousand times husband-worthy as an Asshole American than as a Gentle Brit.
    Also, I think your new TV Husband should be found on True Blood. OR OR OR TV Wife could be found there too, bc Sookie is pretty fabulous. And its OK to say that because after all, you would only have to come out to the TV, not to your Real Husband and Kids.

    I think I’m seriously turned on by his assholeness. Which is weird, because Daver is THE NICEST person you could know. SERIOUSLY.

  41. On August 28th, 2009 at 11:55 am Kelly Says:

    P.S. Seriously, ANY of the True Blood men would suffice. You just might find him your future TV Fiance (don’t rush into anything, make sure it feels right) in Bon Temps, Mississippi. Jason Stackhouse, Sam Merlotte, and Eric Northman are my favorites. Bill Compton and Hoyt Fortenberry are also well loved. Take a look around, don’t be shy, put yourself out there – let HIM come to YOU.

    I am totally going to have to let him come to me. Heh. Heh.

  42. On August 28th, 2009 at 11:55 am Kelly Says:



    He’s MINE lol.

    All. Yours.

  43. On August 28th, 2009 at 12:05 pm cara Says:

    I too am sadly without a TV husband for the moment. Ever since Gil Grishom left Las Vegas (and me) I just haven’t been able to find a new love.

    That and my kids have hi-jacked my television. My choices are now reduced to the dad from Wizards of Waverly Place (I think it is Dom Deloise’s son – don’t know if I spelled that right) or Billy Ray Cyrus. Collective EWWWW here!

    I think I need to find myself a new book with a nerdy but sexy scientist!

    BTW…love your blog…makes me laugh (except yesterday…don’t be sad)

    We totally need new husbands.

  44. On August 28th, 2009 at 12:07 pm TeDiouS Says:

    I’m not usually one to go ga-ga over tv or movie stars, but there is that one notable exception. Something about Vincent D’Onofrio makes me go all sort of swoony.

    I think it’s his voice. Because even when he went all chubby and gray my affection wavered not one bit.

    It’s got to be the voice then. Because he went from dead sexy to creepy uncle in like 6 months. I mean, I guess I did too, BUT I HAD A BABY.

  45. On August 28th, 2009 at 12:15 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Oooh, TV husbands rock, and they don’t care if you cheat on them like crazy, they’re still right back in your bedroom the next week. I can’t think of too many good ones these days, though, or maybe I just don’t watch the right shows. I might be down for some good Seely Booth, I used to love one of the firefighter guys on some NBC show that I don’t think is on anymore, but he got killed off the show anyway and that ended our affair- and my watching the show. I WANT to love the vamps on TrueBlood, but I just don’t think they’re all that hot, and I TOTALLY can’t think of Edward Cullen as anybody but Cedric Diggory, and he is just not attractive! Does getting older make you feel like these young guys are just too um, young? Uh, oh. I’m officially getting old, and I’m only 35!!!!

    Some of these guys I feel all Uncle Pervy about and that kind of ruins it for me.

  46. On August 28th, 2009 at 12:23 pm baseballmom Says:

    Yeah, House is sexxxxy, but you’d have to just use him as a booty call kinda guy. I also agree about Edward…maybe if he had long bad-boy hair I’d like him more. Also, I would cut a bitch for Johnny Depp.

    Johnny Depp looks too much like my brother for my liking.

    We’re SO not THAT kind of family.

  47. On August 28th, 2009 at 12:32 pm Emma Says:

    Never been able to watch house, the American accent just always seemed weird to me. But then again I was used to him in blackadder etc. Stephen fry, rowan Atkinson and tony Robinson too. Brilliant! Definately an English thing I think though, lol.
    Anyway, I better go… I have a cunning plan to carry out….

    Oooh! I loves me some cunning plans! I WANT IN ON THEM.

  48. On August 28th, 2009 at 12:35 pm Emma Says:

    Oh, and I have rockstar boyfriends, not tv ones. I’ve married Anthony kiedis (before he cut his long hair off), brandon Boyd, and dated jared Leto for a week (but ya know, the ego became too much)

    You best STEP OFF Eddie Vedder my friend. STEP OFF.

  49. On August 28th, 2009 at 12:42 pm Unindicted Co-Conspirator Says:

    You may want to consider counseling. Your fixation on a TV doctor indicates that you may be having some trouble adjusting to the reality (outside your television). Not that I’m saying there’s anything wrong with Vicodin, you understand.

    There IS no life outside of my television.

  50. On August 28th, 2009 at 1:45 pm Kristina Says:

    Have I told you lately that I love you?

    I let go of Dr. House when I came to the realization that he would never give up on Cuddy. The bitch. Anyway, I’ve moved on to the incredibly hard choice of which Lost man I’m going to marry. I’ve decided to give Jack, Sawyer, Sayid and Jacob (who may actually be God so I’m not sure how that will work) a chance to ravage me and then I’ll make my decision.

  51. On August 28th, 2009 at 12:46 pm Barbara Says:

    Growing up, I always dreamed of being Mrs Archie Bunker or Mrs George Jefferson (things looked promising with George since he was always “movin on up”). Then as I got older I was so into Dan Conner. I felt to sorry for him being “married” to that bitch Roseanne. I wanted to save him. He just wouldn’t listen to me. And then I was in love with one Mr Reginald (Red) Forman…I called him Reggie. I soooooo was diggin his 70’s bell bottom pants and tight….oh soooo tight….shirts….and….oh I just pant whenever I think of Reggie. But they are all gone now. So I have to spend my time with my three new hubbys….yes I know….it’s illegal (well except maybe in parts of Utah) My new hubby’s are Eric (True Blood) Dexter Morgan and Hank Moody. Oh Yah! I like my men naughty!

    I cannot think of The Jefferson’s without humming the theme song. To me, that’s all the show is: the rockin’ theme song. I feel the same way about Three’s Company.

    …come on knock on my door!

  52. On August 28th, 2009 at 1:04 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    Mmmmmmmm, I loves me some Dr. House (M.D.). Maybe we could have a threesome?

    Oooh, and Dexter can wrap me up in sran wrap anytime, just as long as he doesn’t kill me. Yummmmmmmmmmm.

    ‘scuse me while I run to the ladies room…

    I think I really need to get into Dexter. I haven’t seen that show and I think that I would love it.

    And hells yes! Threesomes RULE!

  53. On August 28th, 2009 at 1:07 pm Lisa Says:

    Alas, I am a TV WIDOW.
    (*sob*, dabs eyes)

    My tv husband and I met when I was just a young girl, but he kept his distance until I became of age. Then it was love at second sight, and I am not quite sure I can love again.

    Yes, I was married to the most perfect man ever…. Mr. Rogers.

    Come on, who else do you know comes home from work every day at the same time, totally happy to see you? He was always in a great mood, immediately hung up his jacket, put his shoes away, and was ready to take the kids off my hands with educational, yet fun activities?

    God how I loved that man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The neighborhood just isn’t the same without him. (*sigh*)


  54. On August 28th, 2009 at 1:29 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    he he he

    (I hear that Glee is excellent)

    and I’m married to Heathcliff Huxtable. I don’t care if he’s ancient. He’s GREAT with kids, funny, and knows a ton about Jazz.

  55. On August 28th, 2009 at 1:34 pm Anna Says:

    I do wish my TV husband, Jack Bauer, wouldn’t polish off my bottles of vodka and walk around Hollywood head-butting people. I’m glad that stupid Audrey is out of the picture. At least now I don’t have to try and “have a serious talk” (read: KILL) her to get her to keep off my manly, oily bo-hunk.

  56. On August 28th, 2009 at 1:39 pm Rebecca Says:

    You are such a literary genius. I loved this blog.

  57. On August 28th, 2009 at 2:41 pm The Boss Says:

    Love the show “House M.D.” but as for House being sexy…..ummm not not much. I much rather go with Selly Booth on bones, Det. Stabler on Law and Order SVU, or CSI Danny Messer or Det. Don Flack on CSI NY. All FINE FINE men.

    OKie dokie, time for a cold shower.

  58. On August 28th, 2009 at 2:51 pm perchancetodream Says:

    awww….bummer. I LOVE Hugh Laurie (I was previously involved with someone who was WAY too much like House to find him enticing) but then I’m married to a Scot and lived in England for four years….but he and Stephen Fry are one of the few comedy teams who can make me laugh.

    Not sure I have a television hubby these days – not since I found out that the Scottish doctor on Stargate Atlantis was played by a Canadian! But then who knows what the fall season will bring. Actually I just got my 30something DVDs so I’m back to my old fascination of wanting someone who looks like Garry but acts like Michael! 🙂

  59. On August 28th, 2009 at 1:59 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Oh! I forgot, my TV husband was Denny on Gray’s Anatomy, but he bit it, so I guess I need to shop too…

  60. On August 28th, 2009 at 3:01 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Cuddy can boss me around any day.


  61. On August 28th, 2009 at 2:29 pm EPMaxwell Says:

    I have to stake a claim to Michael Weston on Burn Notice & Seely Booth on Bones. But I’ll throw in Dr. McSteamy from Grey’s…. YUMMY!! And maybe as a wildcard choice Ron Livingston- he’s been catching my eye as Maddux Donner on “Defying Gravity” this past month.
    I haven’t posted in a while, but I read your site everyday. Thanks for the awesomeness we call Aunt Becky.

    OH, and I am sooooo excited for GLEE.

  62. On August 28th, 2009 at 2:50 pm Rebecca Says:

    Adam Lambert……my 4 year old daughter always says that Adam is my boyfriend.

  63. On August 28th, 2009 at 2:50 pm Rebecca Says:

    …have to add Trent Reznor. He was my first love, or third, maybe seventy-fifth.

  64. On August 28th, 2009 at 2:51 pm Kristin Says:

    You can have him. Sadly, I don’t stand a chance in hell with my wanna be tv husband John Barrowman from Torchwood since he is married to his partner Scott.

  65. On August 28th, 2009 at 4:05 pm Potty Mouth Mommy Says:

    don’t be talkin ’bout my Dr. House like that yo! Or I’ll be having to get all stabby on your ass!!

    I’m sure I could be convinced otherwise with a little su’m su’m… you know… that rhymes with eyecodin….

    Lovin this post- and I agree with Barbara- you TOTALLY gotta be watchin Dexter- from the beginning… and it’s even better if you’re on a REAL insomnia kick and haven’t slept for like, three days.. it’s amazing how psychopaths start to REALLY make sense when you haven’t slept in almost a week… 😀

  66. On August 28th, 2009 at 3:06 pm Sarah Says:

    I do love me some House…although I have to say the English accent is tasty. That probably why my TV (movie, really) husband is Sean Connery. The fact that he’s a good fifty years older than me has no bearing on the situation. He’s freaking James Bond. Hell, he was still a sexy mofo in Entrapment with Catherine Zeta Jones, and he was in his 60’s in that movie. It’s the accent. Makes me go a little jiggly every time. That’s probably why I like Gerard Butler and Daniel Craig too…

  67. On August 28th, 2009 at 3:20 pm Barbara Says:

    Aunt Becky totally needs to watch Dexter! But you have to watch from the beginning. It’s really good!

  68. On August 28th, 2009 at 4:02 pm Mwa Says:

    Seriously? He’s free again? I’m so calling that! He’s mine now! Heehahaha! Mine, all mine!

    (Can’t believe he wasn’t funny before.)

  69. On August 28th, 2009 at 4:20 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    He wasn’t worthy of your love. Why not go old school and holla at one of the MadMen? Ah forget it, there is too much drinking on that show. One hot hookup with Don Draper and you’ll end up getting blamed for Global Thermonuclear War.

  70. On August 28th, 2009 at 4:23 pm Sunny Says:

    As long as you leave Joel McHale to me.

    Seriously, he’s MINE.

    We have this undeniable cosmic connection. He’s from Seattle, and I’ve lived here for almost two years.

    It’s a match made in Heaven.

  71. On August 28th, 2009 at 7:11 pm Nitza Says:

    *raises hand* I will handle the acapella “Gold Digger.”

    Also re: vitamins for Edward Cullen – absolutely laughing my ass off!

    Doesn’t he look like he needs a bath and a clean bed?

  72. On August 28th, 2009 at 7:38 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    hey that teacher guy from glee is cute and has a crazy wife, but also has a linger on…you may have to cut that bitch. I do not have a TV husband, unless you count Ari Gold and I just want to do naughty things to him, not marry him. But I do have a movie husband, colin firth…and clive owen, what can I say I’m a slut.

    You know I can–and will-cut a bitch.

  73. On August 28th, 2009 at 8:08 pm Katy Says:

    This just might be:

    the. best. goddamned. thing.

    I’ve ever read.

    Why thank ye!

  74. On August 28th, 2009 at 10:02 pm Manda Says:

    You just keep your filthy hands off Uncle Jessie and nobody will get hurt, okay?

    We have been together since 2002 and nobody is gonna fuck it up, not even you, Aunt Becky.

    (New York City. John Stamos as a pale and androgynous emcee pulled me onto a Broadway stage, danced with me, grabbed my ass, and kissed me on the mouth. True story.)

    Girl, you can have him.

  75. On August 28th, 2009 at 10:31 pm Katy Says:

    so, totally different katy than the one above. i think… unless i’m taking my ambien in the middle of the day. i never knew there were so many katy’s! so i’d like to clarify that i’m the completely, 100% certifiably insane one.
    OKAY, so i’m not going to get started on my TV loves because i have too many and, really, i take classes online and don’t work so i got nothin better to do. but i read this post this morning and when i went to target this afternoon, i definitely thought, “gee, target is like my store-husband. i would totally marry target if it asked me.” i was TOTALLY a walmart baby (i lived in BFE and walmart was about as classy as you could get in an hour’s drive) but i recently had a bad experience at walmart. i’ve always loved target anyway, but when they build a target next to a walmart, you can really notice the difference. so when i got back in my car without feeling like they fucked up my world, i decided that target was my dr. house (before he was apparently a man whore and y’all were enjoying imaginary-wedded bliss) of the superstore world. and we would totally be happy.

    Am I the only one who remembers that it was “Target Greatland” for awhile?

  76. On August 29th, 2009 at 12:36 am N Says:

    My TV hubby is Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs.

    Scary, I know. I usually am not attracted to older men. I think I am just attracted to men who know how to fix shit. (my own hubby’s skills are in other areas – lol) I want the fantasy to come in, do me, do the sink, do the drains, and leave. He’s not scared to just jump in there and get the job done. And he’s funny. A poke and a smile! :o)

    Perfect. Can’t a girl have it all?? (and be dirty….) tee hee

    No reason to cut a bitch….it’s the weekend. You deserve sometime off!

    Funny guys, no matter how unattractive, are kind of hot for being funny. You know?

  77. On August 29th, 2009 at 3:55 am Heidi Says:

    If you’re done with him, I’m gonna add him to my ever growing list of hubbies. I’m sure the boys won’t mind. Well. Sylar might get a little cranky and try to cut his head open, but he’s like that. He’s already got a beef with Mr. Bennet, that silly little thing. But I only have to call Dr. Wilson, and he can talk them out of killing each other.

    That’s hot.

  78. On August 29th, 2009 at 5:16 am birdpress Says:

    I don’t even watch it, but I still found this completely hysterically funny! My husband just asked me what was so funny. I very rarely LOL for real when reading blogs, so you must be good.

  79. On August 29th, 2009 at 6:19 am Kelley Says:

    House is OK – except I think I would get tired of the rug burn from kissing that scruffy face…plus I prefer Scottish men to Englishmen: My current TV spouse is David Tennant from Dr. Who, but I’m gonna have to look around for my next ex-husband soon – he’ll be dead…er, regenerated…by the end of the year.
    On another note – I’ll be Capt. Jack’s (John Barrowman) beard any day.

    Rugburn! Loves that term. I’ve forgotten it since The Daver doesn’t grow much facial hair before I start whining about it.

  80. On August 29th, 2009 at 1:57 pm Brenda Says:

    As long as all you bitches stay away from Simon Baker there won’t be any trouble!

    DH and I keep a “Freebie List” (AS. IF.), 10 people who we could have at it with no repercussions. Ah well, it’s always nice to fantasize…….

    Love your blog, girlie – it’s the one place I know I will read something that will make me know I am NOT alone!

    Megan Fox is on both of ours.

    And thank you!

  81. On August 29th, 2009 at 5:27 pm Lola Says:

    I’m so sorry I fucked your House husband! He wasn’t that great, if that makes you feel any better about it 😉

  82. On August 30th, 2009 at 7:17 am Hilly Says:

    Okay this? This is the most awesomely funny post that I have read in a long long time. I will immediately add you to my feed reader and start stalking you…erm, your blog…now.

  83. On August 30th, 2009 at 11:53 am andria Says:

    Love me some House. Sorry he cheated. At least it wasn’t with Amber.

    Don’t be looking at my tv husband Jim Halpert or it is on like Donkey Kong.

    All yours, yo.

  84. On August 31st, 2009 at 9:37 am Kelly Says:

    Absconds with Becky’s discarded (she’s nuts) glorious EX husband.

    I may still need to hump him sometimes. Sorry. You can watch.

  85. On August 31st, 2009 at 8:03 pm Jenn Says:

    You are hilarious.

  86. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:16 pm mary Says:

    okay, I need to come clean.Not too long ago I left Gary Oldman for Vincent D’onofrio and I haven’t looked back since. It kills me that my baby has let himself go, but to rectify the situation I have been compulsively buying all his old movies on Amazon as well as CIs first and second season. What’s a wife to do?? He just won’t listen to me when I tell him how dangerous it is for a man his age to be so heavy..and don’t even get me started on his cholesterol…but I still love him. Sigh.

    Vincent and I, well, we could be no more. His love of cheeseburgers along with MY love of cheeseburgers, we would have been bad, bad news.

  87. On September 14th, 2009 at 6:21 am RainyDay Says:

    Bwahahahahaha! LOVE it!

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