Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Tangled Up In Poo


Notes From The 2.5 Week Trenches (and to remind us all why having new babies is soul-sucking):

*In possibly the most fitting display of irony (but not the Alanis Morisette kind), after a brief hospital admission (due to the baby becoming intolerant of my Crohn’s flare up) it was agreed by my team of doctors to induce my labor. The morning of the induction, I was already so ill that I needed my chemo meds to calm me down BEFORE I went into labor. It was the best I’d felt in months.

*Dave spent 99% of my labor alternately sleet ping or barfing due to a massive migraine which meant that…

*I spent 99% of my labor numb (which, despite it being better than pain, is somewhat claustrophobic), unable to reach the phone, and crying (damn hormones).

*Likely due to having made fun of Dave’s inordinate amount of recessive genes, I have spawned yet another child who looks nothing like me. In fact, Benjamin looks more like Dave than me. I ask you all, HOW IS THAT FAIR? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I SUFFERED FOR YOU, CHILD? /stepping off cross now.

*Breastfed babies shit constantly. And it sounds just like a cappuccino machine. There is nothing not awesome about this especially because The Daver is responsible for all Output.

*In spite of the constant sleep dep and the 7 lb child constantly attached to my chesticles, I haven’t felt this good in at least a year.

*I have an excessive amount of flatulence for no longer having a crotch parasite pressing into my guts.. Yes, gentlemen, I *am* taken.

*Having a baby that dislikes almost everyone except you loses it’s novelty after about Hour 6.

*Diapers are fucking expensive as fuck. I guess I got spoiled with Sir I Can’t Crap the first time around. This must be my comeuppance. I am totally aware that I misspelled that. And I don’t care.

*Yesterday he barfed on my nipples. He BARFED on my NIPPLES. HE BARFED ON MY NIPPLES. And then he peed on me.

(I need a nap)

posted under The Sausage Factory

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