Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Taking Uncle Pervy To Whole New Levels.


Now as much as I USE technology, I’m also fairly inept.

(stop laughing)

My computer, Big Mac, he* gets updated once every blue moon, when some piece of software I use to check my email has become defunct. Other than that, I use this picture as my screen saver, which is probably depleting the life of my computer every second it’s on there:

But I don’t care. See how MAJESTIC it is?




Anyway, like the rest of the world, I’m on Google Plus. Which is touted as “The Better Facebook,” which I suppose it is, only until it develops it’s OWN Farmville and my friends start asking for spells to make their crops bigger. The next time that happens, I’m demanding that the person behind that request come the fuck OVER to my house and help me with MY garden. My FOR REAL garden.

(also: I love you, Pranksters, because every time I bitch about Farmville, 400 of you send me requests for crops or pink cows or whatever on The Facebook. It’s proof that I know the BEST people on the Internet.)

So I’m on The New Facebook and I use it occasionally to do things like say, “I’m so happy this isn’t The Old Facebook,” and “Isn’t this better than The Old Facebook?”

Other than that, I use it about as much as I use The Facebook. Which is to say, hardly ever.

But because I hate Skype more than I hate John C. Mayer, I heard about this newfangled thing you kids do called “Hangouts.” The New Facebook hangouts.

TELL me that doesn’t sound dorky.

Anyway, with the Band Back Together Board (for the non-profit, NOT like a Skateboard or an ACTUAL piece of wood), being in separate states, we use The New Facebook Hangouts for our board meetings. We USED to use Skype until we realized we needed to be able to conduct ACTUAL business rather than, “OMG YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE IN A DISCO.” Or “NICE FREEZE-FRAME FACE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Seems unprofessional.


So we launched the new site this weekend, which meant that the 80 of us that work behind the scenes (SHOUT OUT TO MY HOMIES, THE BRAINS!) were all running around like Chicken Little. Or maybe that was just me. So on Sunday, we had a Google Hangout for about 10 of us.

I started the hangout because obviously, and slowly people popped in and out. It was pretty rad. I mean, MAH FRIENDS IN ONE SCREEN? What could be better?

(answer: pony on roller skates)

But I neglected to do one important thing. One VERY important thing. I didn’t make our hangout private.

So every 10 or so minutes, random old men would pop into our chat, causing us to frantically block them. It was an awesome game of WHO CAN BLOCK FASTER?

What made it WAY awesomer is that one of our Brains, Sarah, got stuck chatting with some guy from Egypt who told her she was “beautiful like the moon.” When I stop laughing, I’ll let you know.

My only regret is this: we didn’t see a single naked wang.

What is the world coming to when you don’t see a SINGLE NAKED PEEN while on The Internet?

*wrings hands*


/end hand-wringing

*all of my technology is male. I have Frank, my iPad, John, my iPod, and Larry, my iPhone. That way I can say, “I’m hanging with FRANK tonight,” and it sounds illicit – also cooler than “I’m playing on my iPad.”

24 Comments to

“Taking Uncle Pervy To Whole New Levels.”

  1. On December 7th, 2011 at 10:40 am Chibi Jeebs Says:

    OMFG! You have to make them PRIVATE?!? Why didn’t anyone TELL me! D: Aunt Becky, I swear to the Baby Cheesus that if I had seen one effing wang, I would have deleted Google+ AGAIN and never installed it again, no matter what you decreed. GAH!

  2. On December 7th, 2011 at 10:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  3. On December 7th, 2011 at 10:53 am SarahBee Says:

    Bwahahaha! That was the best. He then asked me to “strip off my specs” so that’s the point I reported him for spam. What? What else was a girl to do if I was going to keep hanging out with the cool kids? It was fun to see everyone’s face and hear Jana’s sweet accent and her egg plates and everyone’s adorable kiddos.

  4. On December 7th, 2011 at 11:39 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    There was NOTHING not HILARIOUS about that.

  5. On December 7th, 2011 at 11:07 am Mary Says:

    I’m so sorry I missed this! It sounds fantastic.

    “beautiful like the moon”…. Best. Line. Evah!! LOL

  6. On December 7th, 2011 at 11:40 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It was the BEST EVER.

  7. On December 7th, 2011 at 11:27 am Tracie Says:

    I have to say that I’m still very conflicted about if next time we should make it private (to get work done) or let the crazies in. Because “beautiful like the moon” Sarah is still making me laugh!

    I heart seeing all your faces on my screen at once.

  8. On December 7th, 2011 at 11:40 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Fuck, let’s let the crazies on innnn!

  9. On December 7th, 2011 at 11:44 am jtook Says:

    Damn, now I’m sorry I was late to the party! That’s fucking hilarious!

  10. On December 7th, 2011 at 12:01 pm ArykaNotErika Says:

    As if I wasn’t already totally jealous that I missed that Hangout! We should totally do Brainz Date night.

  11. On December 7th, 2011 at 1:34 pm Caroline Says:

    I am so there next time!

  12. On December 7th, 2011 at 1:51 pm Jaime Says:

    ahhhhhhhh … random internet wang…. you’re everywhere all the time normally and then when expected…. hiding like a turtle in a shell.

    I really need to get my motivation on and write up my post for BBT… cuz I feel like it would really help to get it all out.

  13. On December 7th, 2011 at 3:24 pm Illya Kuryakin Says:

    I’m going to have nightmares about killer cats in drag because of this post.

    Where is the sign-up list for being one of the crazies?

  14. On December 7th, 2011 at 5:18 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    Hahahhaha. Skype meets chatroulette. Honestly, I can’t believe you didn’t see any penises either. Is whipping it out not “in” anymore?

  15. On December 7th, 2011 at 5:59 pm Dawnie Says:

    It was seriously awesome to do the hangout. And the mustaches! AB, you have to use chrome next time so you aren’t left mustache-less. And next time I’ll pop open one of those wine bottles to toast everyone. ZOMG, who needs the bar when we could all hangout and drink without driving thanks to google+!?

  16. On December 7th, 2011 at 6:04 pm L Says:


    “beautiful like the moon” – Did he watch/read Game of Thrones to get his material??

  17. On December 7th, 2011 at 6:28 pm Cindy Says:

    I love you. You make me laugh at us!

  18. On December 7th, 2011 at 8:04 pm RealityTC Says:

    Haha! Good to know! I didn’t realize it wasn’t priviate either! It seems whenever someone wants to do a hangout, my hair is in some embarrassing state. So far I have hung out with my husband, in the same room. Badass I know!

  19. On December 7th, 2011 at 9:23 pm Kimmy Says:

    OO OO OO!!! how do I get you on my google +!! PLEEASE

  20. On December 7th, 2011 at 10:12 pm Michy Says:

    Unprofessional? What’s that?
    *dances around singing out of tune about wangs*
    I think a Brainz Date Night would rock.

  21. On December 7th, 2011 at 11:14 pm Kristin Says:

    I think “beautiful like the moon” is going to become part of the running jokes around here just like that song poor Chaz Bono was dancing to during the final Dancing With The Stars…

    Chunky, chunky,
    I like em big
    I like em chunky
    I like em big
    I like em plumpy
    I like em round
    With something, something
    They Like my sound
    They think Im funky

  22. On December 7th, 2011 at 11:24 pm katrina Says:

    bwahahahaha….”beautiful like the moon” wanted her to “strip off her specs”……(laughs maniacally) —if that’s not a word, it should be. that is crazy hilarious.

  23. On December 8th, 2011 at 9:04 pm Mara Says:

    Isn’t the next shirt ” Won’t someone think if the wangs?”

    Seriously. I need it for Christmas.

  24. On December 8th, 2011 at 9:08 pm Grace Says:

    Gah! I’m so bummed that I’ve been slow getting started with BBT! I missed the party!!

    But speaking of moons, I have to share that I saw a pickup today with one of those back window murals. The subject matter? Two Wolf Moon! It was the awesomesauce.

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