Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Taking the High Road is Bullshit


I’ve been waiting nearly eleven years for this moment. Eleven long, painful, humiliating years.

Ever since the doctor said, “you have a fourth degree tear,” in the delivery room as my firstborn son screamed and howled indignantly in the bassinet while I screamed and howled in the bed as the doctor began the slow and painful process of patching up my poor battered vagina.

(hear that? It’s the sound of my male readership quickly clicking away)

(it’s safe to come back now, guys, no more vagina talk)

My vagina healed* and my child, well, he continued to howl indignantly. Days and nights I spent bouncing, rocking, driving, singing, crying, all to no avail. Born with his days and nights mixed up, I spent a good 2 months up all night AND all day, so bleary and sleep-deprived that I walked into MORE walls than normal. I began to believe that my bed was a shimmering mirage, a figment of my addled imagination.

During those long days and nights, I fantasized about the ways I’d pay the kid back. Naked baby pictures festively on display in our hallway so I could show his one-day girlfriends (or boyfriends). Wedding speeches about how he used to poo in the tub and throw it out. Ways I could torture him when he decided – as all kids do – that I was the most annoying person in the world because OMG MOM, DO YOU HAVE TO BREATHE LIKE THAT?

We’ve finally hit the point in which everything from the way I chew to the way I walk is cause for embarrassment. HOW DARE YOU WALK LIKE THAT, MOM? YOU BRING SHAME UPON OUR HOUSE.

It’s pretty awesome – the kid has NO idea who he’s messing with. I’m not hurt or angry, no, I’m just ready to enact my revenge upon him. I mean, who takes issue with the way someone swallows?*

Yesterday, as I was scouring the Internet for the best (worst) picture of Lil Wayne, I got a phone call from his school. My heart sunk. We’ve got Plague House going on right now and the very last thing I feel like doing is managing ANOTHER sick person.

It was the secretary:

“Hi Miss Harks, I just spoke to the lunch lady.”

My heart thudded in my chest – what had the kid done? I LOVE the lunch ladies more than I love Equal, Orange Hostess Cuppy Cakes and my roses put together.

“And he’s got a balance on his school meals card that needs to be paid before we can feed him.”

Oh really? Way to tell me, kiddo.

“So if you want to drop off a check in the next 45 minutes, that would be great.”

I agreed to swing by, knowing that my kid would have a meltdown of the nuclear variety if he had to eat a cheese sandwich rather than whatever delicious hot-lunch items were offered. (I’ve tried to inform him that there are starving people in Africa who’d LOVE his cheese sandwich, but he just rolls his eyes at me. I think I may use the Sarah McLauchlan commercial to really drive the point home that his life? Not really so bad.)

I’m weeping just THINKING about it.

After I agreed to drop some cash off for the kid, I got ready to go. Before I walked out the door, I looked down at what I was wearing – black stretchy gauchos, ugly sweater slippers, and my pink Shut Your Whore Mouth (that’s a link to the shirts if you want one because obviously you do) shirt.

Did I dare?

Was it time?

Was THIS the moment I’d been waiting for?

Was I ready to enact my revenge upon the kid by showing up at school dressed like a schizophrenic off her meds?

Oh, it was tempting all right. I very nearly did.

But I remembered what it was like to be a kid and how annoying your parents are and how much worse I could make things if I showed up like that and made a grand show of kissing my kid on the cheek. So I changed into a boring blue shirt and jeans – the sweater boots stayed.

Besides, I’m waiting for the day that I actually own bunny slippers and can manage to put rollers in my hair. These teen years are going to be AWESOME.

*except that. Oops.

*my kid


Also: you should go comment here on my post. Why? Because obviously.

Also also: you can read me here. The comments are breathtakingly horrible. Just – FYI.

19 Comments to

“Taking the High Road is Bullshit”

  1. On March 16th, 2012 at 12:22 pm Rich Says:

    I needed a good laugh today, and you gave me many…THANKS! 🙂

  2. On March 16th, 2012 at 12:26 pm Luna Says:

    I have my daughter utterly convinced that if she screws up badly enough I WILL show up at her school in my bathrobe, with just one roller in my hair (one I missed removing), find her room and say, “OH HUNNYBUNNY! You forgot your lunch! Now come and give Mommy a kiss for bringing it to you!”

    She’s in Grade 11. It’s worked so far. Feel free to steal it. 🙂

  3. On March 16th, 2012 at 12:31 pm Gwen Says:

    Try having a kid that is NOT embarrassable! Seriously, anything I would try would just result in shrieks of laughter. Baby photos of his 18 month old self STILL in the baby bathtub because he was convinced the bath tub upstairs was going to suck his chubby ass down the drain posted on Facebook. Check, Kid just laughed. Despite the fact that most of his friends are friends with me. If anything we tag team my fiance to embarrass him (like the time we showed up at his work, me in a burqua and him in full drag and said, “could you tell J that his WIVES are here”) however I’m also extremely lucky. Kid is 13 and still thinks I am all sorts of awshum. Like LOLcats awshum. I thank God every day for my snarky kid.

  4. On March 16th, 2012 at 7:50 pm Liz Says:

    You are now one of my heros, along with Aunt Becky. I hope to have the same kind of awesome relationship with my children that you have with your son. It’s how my mom and I were – although I frequently teamed up with my aunt to try to embarrass my Mom. I’m a second child. She ain’t got no embarrasing photos…

  5. On March 16th, 2012 at 12:52 pm baseballmom Says:

    ahahaha omg. there’s a mom at our school who regularly shows up wearing camoflage orange pajama pants and an oversized purple ‘tink’ sweatshirt. someday, i’ma be her and show up at high school to pick T up. wait, i should have done it when he called me to say his shoes were stolen in PE because he didn’t lock them up. damn…missed opportunity!

  6. On March 16th, 2012 at 1:33 pm chrisinphx Says:

    bwahahaha! Your why mommy drinks article was great! Some of them mommys need to really lighten the hell up. Is there some procedure whereby they remove your sense of humor while they sew up the baby chute?

  7. On March 16th, 2012 at 2:17 pm Just Me Says:

    When my kids got into junior high, I promised them that I would never embarrass them in front of their friends, unless they deserved it. Note the qualifier there. That’s the kicker, because they knew damn well that I could and would, should they do something deserving.

    And I had that 4th degree tear twice. Guess I never considered retribution on the kids solely for that reason. Why would I not consider that? I am clearly too nice.

  8. On March 16th, 2012 at 3:04 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Ooooh, fuel for the future. My firstborn is only 6 right now, he is not able to be embarrassed. However, for making me require lidocaine to pee for 3 weeks after his birth and chomping me to a pulp while breastfeeding, he shall pay!!!! hahahaha. I clicked over to the cafemom article. Hilarious, and the comments, they were not so bad. There were only 2 or 3 idiots and the others all set them straight. There are just some folks who do not understand humor, whaddya gonna do? Great job!

  9. On March 16th, 2012 at 4:26 pm katrina Says:

    Fuck Yeah!….we live to drink and embarrass our kids. what else is there? I loved your ‘why mommy drinks’ post. ha ha ha…..those idiots that dissed you said “i know this is in jest/ or humor…..BUT” There is no ‘but’….it was FUNNY!. Acting like they know you….And telling you that you are not a good mom….or writer. They don’t know shit. I wanted to bitch slap ’em!

  10. On March 16th, 2012 at 4:32 pm Megaboo Says:

    When I was a bad kid when I was a teenager my punishment was to go to the grocery store with my mom while she wore this ginormous muumuu. I live in las Vegas where it’s either hot as hell, freezing cold or so windy you will blow away. Of course this would happen on a windy day. Up would go Mommys muu muu. So mortifying. I could never do that to my son. Im just going to tell all of his friends about how he loved to motorboat me all the time. Ha ha ha ha. Payback son. 15 months since my c section, I am still having complications.

  11. On March 16th, 2012 at 5:23 pm Fearless Fibro Warrior Says:

    I spent 3 days with 60 middle schoolers—and I took every opportunity to photo-bomb them.

    You’re welcome for the tip!

  12. On March 16th, 2012 at 9:30 pm Grace Says:

    Humiliating your children!! One of my favorite things! AB, you should read my blog entry I did a while back about that very thing. I think you’ll like it. 🙂

  13. On March 16th, 2012 at 10:51 pm Kristin Says:

    You are now officially nicer than me because I totally would have shown up in the Shut Your Whore Mouth shirt.

  14. On March 17th, 2012 at 11:34 am red Says:

    Oh, I so wish you had left on your Aunt Becky tee, at least! His classmates would have *loved* that, I’m sure.

  15. On March 17th, 2012 at 12:00 pm Annie Says:

    I didn’t think it was possible but you eloquently went from a fourth degree tear to a revengeful schizophrenic off her meds at the school cafeteria. Nice work. I don’t think anyone could have done it better. Thanks for the laugh.

  16. On March 18th, 2012 at 8:57 pm Becky Says:

    I told my bratface 13 year old that if he’s not nice to me I’m going to show up to his Little League practice wearing: the ugliest snuggie I can buy, pjs, and hair rollers. And cheer from the stands going “Woop woop woop! Go AUSTIN!! Mommy LOOOOVVEES YOU!!” as I fist pump the air. I even was telling the other dads at practice of my evil plot… while we were watching his brother play. They were laughing their asses off!!
    I agree with Kristin. I would’ve worn the shirt to school too.

  17. On March 18th, 2012 at 9:23 pm Marta Says:

    Lol. Oh he is going to be mortified one glorious day, isn’t he?

  18. On March 18th, 2012 at 11:19 pm Janey Says:

    You are too freaking kind 🙂

    Eons ago when my son was about 5 we got a (new to us) van. Unbeknownst to us while we happily drove around son was putting his mark on our new toy. With some sharp like instrument (please refrain from calling CS, he is now 19 and fine) he carved a lovely big star on the back of the drivers seat, did gawd knows what with all of the remote A/C & Stereo buttons and thoughtfully filled them with chewed gum.

    Why did I not notice? Oh, could have something to do with the baby twin daughters we had around that time. You don’t notice a heck of a lot when you are unstrapping a kid and wee babies. At least one of which are crying (or sleeping and you all KWIM).

    So… I tell him when he buys his first vehicle I am going to insist on sitting in the back seat with a sharp object, a huge wadload of gum in my mouth and let the good times roll 😉

    Ok not really but he is suitably scared 🙂

  19. On March 19th, 2012 at 3:53 am Devan Says:

    Having your own personal little people to embarrass….yet another reason to have kids! Mine are 5 and 2. I. Can’t. Wait. This is going to be something I can excell at, I just know it. (Also, they drive me to drink also! Cant imagine having a 3rd!)

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