Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Sweet Child O Mine (Who Will Not See The Light Of Day Until She Turns Sixteen)


I came to the End of The Internet on Friday. I was searching for a laptop bag, right? And it turns out that laptop bags are the fugliest thing on the planet. Well, at least, the ones I could find.

Hence, the End of The Internet.

But I get all kinds of pissed off when I can’t find something that should be so simple, so I spent most of the day flopping around indignantly, occasionally shaking my fists at The Internet Gods, who had, for the first time, failed me.

After my daughter came home from preschool, she climbed up onto my indignant lap and demanded to look at what I’d been looking at. Which happened to be the kate spade website.

She and I spent a good while perusing ridiculously expensive purses, which, apparently, she, like her mother, is enamored by.

Eventually, she slithered off my frustrated lap and stood on her head on the floor next to me. Seeing a perfect opportunity to teach her some gymnastics, I rolled her over, helping her perform her first somersault. Delighted, she stood up, clapped her hands, yelled, “YAY!” and then begged me to do it again. So I did. We probably did twenty somersaults together before it was time for bed.

And it was walking up the stairs that I noticed something. The scar on the back of her head was bright purple.

Now, she has a skull implant there, covered by a thin layer of imperfect scalp skin (thank YOU, neural tube defects), upon which no hair will ever grow. The scar is fairly visible, although it often looks like her part is just extra-long.

She’s also got a couple of birthmarks on her face, common for kids with midline skull abnormalities, all of which turn from mildly discolored to extremely red whenever she becomes Furious George (which, since she’s my kid, is fairly often).

But I’d never seen her skull turn that purplish shade before. Immediately, I thought of what a dumbass move it was to do somersaults with a kid who has a fucking skull implant.

I dragged her into the bathroom, where the light was a bit better, and took a closer look. It could be something…and it could be nothing. Either way, I was right back in that birthing room, delivering a sick baby again. Only this time, it really WAS my fault.

I called the doctor on call, snotting and crying all over the phone, as I kept her up well-past her bedtime, to assess her level of consciousness. When I realized that she seemed to be just fine, the purplishness had subsided, I decided to put her to bed.

Then I checked on her every forty-five minutes for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the on-call doctor finally called back. Apparently, the answering service sucks a fat one. “Keep an eye out,” she said, “for any other signs of head injury. Vomiting, loss of consciousness, swelling, bruising, irritability.”

Okay, this I could do.

The following evening, I put her in bed, where she promptly barfed everywhere.

Shit, I thought briefly, until I remembered that my own guts had been through hell that week. Okay, I told myself, it’s a flu-bug. She’ll probably be up half the night barfing her guts out.

But she wasn’t.

She got up late the following morning and ate a quick breakfast with her brother.

Then, on the way to the Computer Store, she yacked again. A full 14 hours after her initial vomiting episode. Which, to me, was a Very Bad Sign.

Off to the ER we went. After several very long hours, it seemed that was simply some very bad timing. A flu-bug was the most likely culprit for her illness.

She’s been grounded until her sixteenth birthday.

That is, after I buy her a pony and a Porsche.


I have a new column up every Thursday at CafeMom. It’s called (barely) Surviving Parenthood. It’s full of the awesome.


Speaking of Full of the Awesome, I was thinking about using THAT for a shirt design. Is that lame?

Also: TODAY is Tax Day, not April 15, which, hi, why didn’t someone tell me it was changing? That’s bullshit.

Anyway, the winner of my shirt giveaway:


(P.S: if you’re interested, they’re giving away a couple of my shirts on Band Back Together, too.)

50 Comments to

“Sweet Child O Mine (Who Will Not See The Light Of Day Until She Turns Sixteen)”

  1. On April 18th, 2011 at 9:58 am nic @mybottlesup Says:

    oh mama… i can remember watching for those signs with jackson. and crying on the phone with the nurse, asking so many questions, all of which made me doubt myself and be angry with myself that much more. at times it truly was something big that we would spend days in the hospital for…

    and at other times, it was simply jackson being quick to puke with his cyclic vomiting syndrome.

    it’s hard to determine the difference between the two (the serious and the not so serious)… and i’m sorry you had to battle that and those feelings this weekend.

    i’d ground jackson for lyf yo.

  2. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:13 am John Says:

    Oh, that sucks all around – but I’m glad it was simply a case of horrendous timing. But I thought it was customary to keep kids inside and away from “the others” until they were like 40 or something, anyway 🙂

  3. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:25 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m chaining her to a wall in the basement.

  4. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:15 am Smaaaaaash Says:

    A satisfactory conclusion, I guess. At least, as satisfactory a conclusion as can be gotten with regurgitation involved.

    PS I haven’t looked at your blog in awhile. I miss it. You’re awesome.

  5. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:25 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Aw, I love you.

  6. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:19 am Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) Says:

    I suppose that, after all you’ve been through, that every time something happens you assume the worse. However, that’s a pretty anxious way to live. I think you need to read this:

    Hopefully that will help.

  7. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:21 am Mary B Says:

    I remember when I found out that my daughter was twelve and was experiencing extreme pain in her ribs. X-ray: no broken ribs. Doctor thought it just needed to be adjusted: more screams of pain. She dropped out of dance school, stopped riding her bike and took a leave of absence from school. Bone Specialist: could be cancer, take her to Children’s Hospital in Philly. Cancer doctor: Not cancer, more tests. Official diagnosis: Ideopathic juvenile osteoporosis. (idiopathic meaning “who knows how it happened?”) Biopsy surgery on her hip, send results to CDC in Atlanta. Osteoclasts (destroying bone)are forming faster than osteoblasts (building bone). My little girl has an elderly woman’s disease. The pain did stop by puberty as they predicted but it changed her life.
    I wish I could have traded places with her. But I guess motherhood can bring you intense joy and to balance it out we also get intense worry. In spite of some ups and downs, she now has a degree in education. She even rides a bike.

  8. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:26 am Marie Says:

    I WANT. A barely surviving shirt!!!!!!!!

  9. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:26 am Penbleth Says:

    Oh my. I’m glad it was just a bug. Keep them locked up indefinitely I say. That way you know where they are. Of course they can still spend your money but at least they can’t go anywhere nice to show it off.

  10. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:26 am Amy @ babybabylemon Says:

    Personally, I don’t think they’re fugly, but your opinion might differ. Obviously. This is who makes my laptop bag: The quality is fantastic. I took it daily to work and now use it as my “fancy” diaper bag. (not an ad or anything. Just letting you know)

  11. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:37 am karen Says:

    because I have no style, I picked one that had enough black on it to do the job. on sale. because I am cheap and also my husband is waaaay cheaper and thinks I am a wild spender.

    Sorry about your stress with the precious miss thing, I would have been the EXACT SAME WAY only I would have also thrown up. more.

  12. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:38 am JenniferB Says:

    OMG, I thought it was bad when my little punkin took a superman dive out of her high chair at daycare and I had to spend the next 24 hours in panic. I first thought she’d be okay, that it was just regular toddler antics. But she seriously looked like a unicorn and was crying way more than her usual head injury (yes, usual, I used to call her “bump-a-day”). So i took her to urgent care. X-rays, lots of waiting, they said, she’s okay but watch for signs. You know the drill. Well I put her to bed and when I checked on her 3 hours later, she had vomited all over the bed and was sleeping in it. Needless to say, my heart hit the floor. How could I have missed THIS? Rush to ER. Sit and wait in ER with severe anxiety all night. Get a head CT, and finally at 6am, they say, “she’s fine”. Really??? My daughter does not vomit in her bed, ever. All of a sudden, head trauma and then this. I felt like the worst parent ever. I can only imagine your mom-guilt over those few fun somersaults. But this is Mimi we’re talking about. She will likely become a world-class gymnast, just to say “F-you” to any dumb restrictions on head implants. She truly astounds me (and the rest of the Pranksterz). I’m so sorry you had to go through that awful stress. So glad she’s alright. Here’s to no more vomiting, ever. Hugs.

  13. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:44 am Lauren Elyse Says:

    I used the phrase Furious George this weekend in front of my 6-year-old. She giggled. A lot. When she had a meltdown at bedtime yesterday I asked her if she was Furious George. She, very angrily, told me no. She was Furious Duck (we’re all Ducks in my house). It took all of my self-control to not laugh.

    This story, is of course, entirely unrelated to the fact that going to the ER sucks, being scared sucks, and yes grounding is needed. And a pony. Those are always good too. Glad everyone is OK.

  14. On April 18th, 2011 at 10:51 am melanie Says:

    oh man I feel for you….. my Allie girl gave me so much freaking anxiety and maybe I should say STILL giving me anxiety… though my current issues are nothing like worrying about head injury, my daughter has a hemangioma on her forehead (pretty low on her forehead–so not easily covered by bangs, unless of course you dont mind her looking like a sheep dog, which i do mind)….. the first year it got puffy and bright red (as expected) the second year it involuted like a champ, flattening out and losing nearly all the burgundy pigmentation in the middle of the hemangioma (leaving only the outline and slightly different pigmented skin in the middle)…. ANYWAY I went back to her dermatologist for the 3rd year check and they compared this years photo to last photo and there was no change…. so now they recommend laser….. the statistics say that by age 9 or something 70% of them go away on their own, so am I being bad to do the laser without first letting mother nature work her magic??? Would she hate me for not trying to get rid of it ASAP or will she feel like I didn’t think she was perfect just how she was?? *sigh* anyway this was my long ramble to say I wish kids came with a fucking handbook so we could make sure that we are not screwing them up more than “normal”. HUGS to you Becky

  15. On April 21st, 2011 at 1:24 am GingerB Says:

    My astoundingly lovely daughter has a dime sized strawberry hemangioma on her upper back, visible with nearly every sundress, etc., and a tiny wee red dot on her nose. Hers I won’t do anything about, I expect the nose one to go back to whence it came, and the other is not somehing you’ll ever notice on first meeting her. I remember I had something under my eye from like age 11-16 that I often tried to cover with yellow tint makeup. Mine could be disquised and could be mistaken for a zit, but I still would have wanted it off in a hurry. Self loathing is one of the worst parts of childhood, I say, and if you think she’ll feel less than her best, I’d do it. But let me make this clear, no one will sell me the fucking handbook.

  16. On April 18th, 2011 at 11:10 am Misfit Mommy @ The Island of Misfit Moms Says:

    Flu or no flu, I still don’t think I could get through a night without “commercial interruptions” ’til it AAAAAALLLLL went away! Mommy guilt is powerful stuff…

  17. On April 18th, 2011 at 11:12 am Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    I’m so glad to hear she is okay and it’s just the bad timing of the flu bug. I was quite worried about my honorary internet niece.

  18. On April 18th, 2011 at 11:13 am Ms Dreamer Says:

    OMG, would you STOP terrifying your poor mother, Amelia! If you do, I’ll buy you the damned pony!

    And I just hyper-fucking-ventilated when I saw that I’m a weiner. I mean winner! *dancing around like a fool alternated with bowing and scraping at Bex’s feets*

  19. On April 18th, 2011 at 11:14 am Vinobaby Says:

    Sometimes I think it’s too bad we can’t wrap our Kiddos up in industrial bubble wrap as infants and leave them rolled up in there until they emerge as fully formed,functional, non-screwed-up adults…kind of like butterflies emerging from a cocoon…nah, where’s the fun in that?

    Hang in there. I’m sure she’ll forgive anything for a pony.

  20. On April 18th, 2011 at 11:16 am Beth Says:

    Stupid kids and their stupid puking! And, y’know, me and my stupid puking. Actually, puking is stupid. I say we get rid of that altogether.

    Now that that’s decided… a Full of Awesome shirt MUST happen.

  21. On April 18th, 2011 at 11:19 am Naked Girls Radio Says:

    aww poor baby I’m glad she is ok

  22. On April 18th, 2011 at 11:25 am Naked Girls Radio Says:

    Oh yeah idk if you like hemp bags but I got a laptop bag that David loves from Quest Book Shop in Wheaton for his birthday a couple years ago. I think it was about $40 and he jams everything he can in there and as far as I can see it’s still like new after all this time.

  23. On April 18th, 2011 at 12:20 pm amysezsmile Says:

    my friend up here in Canada, makes the cutest laptop bags! Check her out on Klever Krafts and Alterations on facebook…She loves to do custom work so if you want a unicorn fabric, she can probably make that happen!

    Glad Amelia is Ok…that damn flu bug!!!! I shake my fist!

  24. On April 18th, 2011 at 12:35 pm Kelly Says:

    Kids have this “timing thing” to fuck with their Moms down to a science. They should all be grounded upon conception.

  25. On April 18th, 2011 at 12:41 pm Anne Says:

    Could you put some kind of, “Hey Anne, don’t fucking read this post” warning on things like that? What do you mean it’s not all about me? Fine. Call it hormones and being equally fucking pissed off at Neural Tube Defects, but I started crying somewhere around the point where you said hair will never grow on that spot, and I haven’t quite finished yet.

    Of course, if I’m this freaked out by it, I can only imagine how you felt. *hugs*

    I support you totally in your decision. I think when she’s allowed out, she must be properly padded and escorted by her brothers.

  26. On April 18th, 2011 at 12:42 pm Anne Says:

    By the way, you’re not a bad mom for wanting to treat her like any other normal kid. Seriously.

  27. On April 18th, 2011 at 12:48 pm amber Says:

    Phew. I saw that you were going on twitter and I was all kinds of worried. I’m glad everything’s okay!

  28. On April 18th, 2011 at 1:17 pm Chibi Jeebs Says:

    So glad all is well in Princess Mimi Land!

    And dude. Full of The Awesome? WANT. Also? Quit coming up with so many awesome t-shirt designs – I want them ALLLLLL!

  29. On April 18th, 2011 at 2:00 pm Anna marie Says:

    Ok, I have to tell you a funny not-actually-a-head-injury story. My son was born with a rare genetic anomaly which means, in part, he was born without his left eye. He got a prosthetic eye when he was about 9 months old. So. Fast forward to the summer after he turned one. I left him on the sofa to get something and as I returned to the room I heard a “thunk”. As I rounded the corner I saw he had fallen off the couch, but landed sitting up. I was wasn’t worried until he started screaming. He screamed and screamed and dear god almighty screamed for HOURS. I called the pediatrician and left a message on the nurse line, but when no one got back to me I called his doc on her mobile. She called me back, listened to his screams and thought he sounded ok, but she asked me to do a couple of things while we were on the phone. “check his pupils. Are they equal?”.
    They weren’t! I yelled “no!! Ohmigod they aren’t!”. And then I stopped.

    Both of us. His mother and his doctor, had forgotten one of his eyes was fake.

    We laughed ourselves silly once he stopped yelling. He was fine, by the way. Just really pissed off about falling off the couch.

  30. On April 18th, 2011 at 2:39 pm Betsy Says:


  31. On April 18th, 2011 at 2:57 pm MarsupialMama Says:

    Wow… Sorry you had to go through all that worry.

    Also, how gutted am I I didn’t win the shirt? 🙁

    I love the idea of a full of the awesome tshirt though. I’m currently wearing a tshirt that says “Team Awesome”. I bought it from Forever 21 on my recent trip to New York.

  32. On April 18th, 2011 at 3:16 pm Momma Chaos Says:

    I just spent the weekend immersed in Vera Bradley.. So I have to ask if you’ve looked at their laptop cases yet? I saw this one at the sale and it’s pretty darn cute in person ~ Or they also have them in their normal patterns if you prefer ~ . Sorry, I’m still on a Vera high 🙂

  33. On April 18th, 2011 at 3:17 pm Kristin Says:

    That must have been scary. So glad the pukage was only due to the flu-like illness…not that there is any only when it comes to kids and puking.

  34. On April 18th, 2011 at 4:51 pm MommyNamedApril Says:

    aw, hun. parenting sucks. i’m so glad she’s okay though.

  35. On April 18th, 2011 at 5:19 pm bella Says:

    I vote for a “stealing gives you syphilis” shirt…or bumper sticker…or something.

  36. On April 18th, 2011 at 5:22 pm Sarah P Says:

    That adorable little bitch. She deserves to be grounded after getting the pony and Porsche.

  37. On April 18th, 2011 at 5:32 pm Managed Hosting Says:

    I would have done the exact same thing, and have before. Not to the extent, but being that my babe’s Lypopemic, I worry whenever she gets sick and think she’s going to die. If you want my vote, I say stick her in a bubble for both of your safety.

  38. On April 18th, 2011 at 6:36 pm Satan Says:|0||p_weight|0&rec=7&pn=c&imagePath=MBG1240201

    i have almost exactly this bag, and it is AWESOME.

  39. On April 18th, 2011 at 6:50 pm katrina Says:

    So sorry about all your worry, and so happy the little princess is ok. I don’t think you can stop munchkins from rolling and tumbling and somersaulting…it is a law of the universe.

  40. On April 18th, 2011 at 6:56 pm VEG Says:

    This? Right here? Why I could not possibly have kids. I would be overcome by panic attacks ALL THE TIME. Just goes to show why you are FULL OF THE AWESOME.

    PS, I would buy myself one in each colour should you decide to make a shirt that said FULL OF THE AWESOME. Which would be only secondary to SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH as the best T shirt on the ENTIRE internets.

  41. On April 18th, 2011 at 8:32 pm leanne Says:

    So glad Amelia is okay (even if she made your heart stop). And I hate vomiting for the more than obvious reasons. Sigh. Hugs to you, Becky.

  42. On April 18th, 2011 at 8:40 pm Ann Says:

    Glad it wasn’t serious, your twitter was pretty alarming for a minute.

    So which Kate Spade bag did Amelia pick out for you?

  43. On April 18th, 2011 at 9:14 pm Pete In Az Says:

    Grey hair is hereditary, parents get it from their kids.

  44. On April 18th, 2011 at 11:44 pm Holli (B's Mom) Says:

    I vote you keep her in ’til she’s 18. My heart can’t take this shit!

  45. On April 19th, 2011 at 6:26 am Dr. Cynicism Says:

    Keeping them in a bubble till 16, or even 18, is the way to go. Think about all the OTHER things you avoid by doing so – like boys. Horrible, coodie-ridden boys.

  46. On April 19th, 2011 at 6:29 am JennyBeMe Says:

    I hate when they scare the crap out of us like that. Glad it was just an ill timed flu bug.

    P.S. Still waiting on my Full of the Awesome shirt 🙂 Told you I’d buy it in a heart beat! Can I get it in purple flavor please?

  47. On April 19th, 2011 at 10:03 am The Mommy Therapy Says:

    This is the one case in which I find myself thinking the stomach bug sounds like a good thing. Normally it is the horror which descends on houses with small kids and infects and paralyzes everyone. I hold a very serious fear of the stomach bug.

    So happy she is ok. I guess no enrolling her in gymnastics classes soon?

  48. On April 19th, 2011 at 4:03 pm Suniverse Says:

    Oh, hon. I’m so sorry about the stupid somersaults. A shiny new Kate Spade bag may be a good interim present until you get the pony and the Porsche.

    [And FUCK THAT DOUCHEBAG ANSWERING SERVICE. That’s just bullshit.]

  49. On April 20th, 2011 at 9:21 am gina Says:

    Ugh. We are dealing with a stomach virus at my house too. You are right, though, it could be much worse. Hope you are all well now.

  50. On April 21st, 2011 at 1:27 am GingerB Says:

    OMG, I hereby absolve you of all guilt from any parenting choices and sentence you to eat four uncrustables as pennance. There, now don’t you wish people would let me be their spiritual guide? I understand absolution!!

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