Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Suprisingly, I Don’t Yet Qualify For Medicare


I just turned 27, which for some, seems like I’m a mere babe in the woods, but unluckily for me, I am not “some” people and have wondered often why I am not getting the AARP magazine like I should be, and why those damn kids won’t get off my lawn, consarnit!

Things that I have done most recently that I cannot believe that I ever would admit to in public, but am now telling the Internet at large:

*Subscribe to Martha Stewart Living. I fucking love me some Martha, and in some sick way, am hoping to one day emulate her. Without the cooking of meals, of course, but with lots of baking. I guess I’m hoping that I become more of a decorator by osmosis because I can’t make a paper craft out of a coffee filter if my life depended on it (but thankfully I can use it to make coffee, however badly I may do so).

*Bought, in no particular order: Basic Home Maintence for Dummies, How To Clean Practically Anything, and Gardening for Dummies. Because, you know, I need to plan out my garden for next year and start planning. Who am I and what have I done with myself? Seriously now, this is just sick and wrong.

*Researched how to AND THEN ACTUALLY SUCCESSFULLY cleaned out the pee stains from the carpet. Which I had been trying unsucessfully to clean for 9 months. And no, thankfully the stains are not mine. I am (mostly) housebroken.

*Purchased my big son’s birthday gifts ONE month in advance. AND have bought an actual real live Christmas present. I am so incredibly last minute that I usually begin (and complete) my Christmas shopping at about 10 pm on Christmas Eve at Walgreens. You’re welcome for all of the enema kits and crappy glass tchotchkies.

*Have researched endlessly ways to organize the vast multitude of crap that we have (despite my best measures to eliminate it) and am now totally pining for both a wrapping paper organizer AND clear shoe boxes. My obsession with home organization is nearly rivaling my obsession with bleach.

*Coupons used to be something I scoffed at, miffed on and off by people in line ahead of me (usually when a child/ren are screaming like banshees and all that I want to do is GET OUTTA THERE), and now, now hell may be freezing slowly over as I admit that I use them. Not only do I use them, but I have bought a little coupon organizer thingie (again with the organization!) and carry it around with me. I feel gay, lets just leave it at that, mmmmkay?

I barely recognize myself these days.

4 Comments to

“Suprisingly, I Don’t Yet Qualify For Medicare”

  1. On September 6th, 2007 at 10:35 pm d.w. Says:

    Ah, yes…I remember vividly when you pointed out the chart in How To Clean Anything giving the proper mixture for those tricky semen stains…

  2. On September 7th, 2007 at 8:58 am becky Says:

    We DO have a large amount of those…especially in socks, you asshole.

  3. On September 7th, 2007 at 7:33 pm Emily Says:

    I totally own a wrapping paper organizer and all of my shoes are in clear plastic shoe boxes. Plus, all of the hangers in my house match. AND I’m currently reading a biography of Martha Stewart. Can you tell I grew up in a chaotic hellhole? I can.

  4. On September 7th, 2007 at 10:08 pm becky Says:


    Will you come over so I can be awesome by osmosis?

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