Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Story Time With Aunt Becky


Amelia loves books. Shocking, I know, since I’m barely literate, but there you have it: genetics are fucking weird.

Anyway, for her birthday, she got a good number of books. Being the last of three, it’s nice for her to get something that’s NOT a hand-me-down from her brothers, so she eagerly tears into them. And, really, anything else, but that’s neither here nor there.

I was laying on the couch trying to beat a particularly vicious level of Angry Birds on my iPad when she padded over and plopped a book – from her birthday – onto my lap. Politely she asked me to read it.

“Okay,” I said, giving the stink-eye to those stupid pigs on Angry Birds, “come on up.”

Wow. That’s fucking cute! I thought to myself as I began to read.

Aww, they’re friends. I bet this is gonna be an ebony/ivory kinda story – you can be friends with anyone! What a great moral that is for kids.

And now a monkey as a friend! Wow, what a great story this is. And the pictures? Amazaballs. Plus, I mean, a PRESENT? Who doesn’t love a good present?

Okay, now you’re losing me, book. Cooking is bullshit. CookBOOKs are bullshit. But okay, the kid prolly thinks this is great. I’ll soldier on.



I thought they were BFFOMGLOL. And now we’re talking about EATING our friends? What the shit kind of story IS this?


There’s dead mouse every-fucking-where! But! But! Mouse loved to PAINT! They were BFFLOLOMG!

How can you EAT your BFF?


It was then that I closed the book.

Who the hell WRITES these kind of books anyway?


38 Comments to

“Story Time With Aunt Becky”

  1. On March 6th, 2012 at 10:55 am Kelly Says:

    What?! Whoever wrote that book is sick. That’s terrible! And yet – I keep giggling thinking about how horrible it is and the fact that someone somewhere thought it was a good idea.

  2. On March 6th, 2012 at 10:55 am katrina Says:

    WTF!!?? That is just evil!! But i do have a funny story. I live in the country and we have cats (and lots of mice). My cats bring the mice in (alive and unhurt) to play with them. (before consuming them). Yesterday, Niko brought in a tiny shrew…..i yelled at him, he dropped it and laid down. The little shrew looked around and then ran straight to the cat….to HIDE under him. Niko just looked at me with a ‘what the hell is wrong with you?’ expression.

  3. On March 6th, 2012 at 10:57 am Tegan Says:

    ROFLOL. Reminds me of the time we started reading a childs bedtime story and right away one of the mice in the story falls into the pot of porage and boils to death….and they keep saying he boiled to death on every page!

  4. On March 6th, 2012 at 11:08 am wasnt_serious Says:

    Hahahahaha….I love it. A perfect example of ‘Cure you and your inevitable but sudden betrayal.’

  5. On March 6th, 2012 at 11:08 am thepsychobabble Says:

    Now I kinda want to know how it ends…

  6. On March 6th, 2012 at 11:10 am courtmoo Says:

    Omg, that damn monkey strikes again. It’s not Cat’s fault mouse looked so tasty. It’s Monkey’s fault for being an asshole instigator AGAIN! He’s like that in every story. I think he has problems.

  7. On March 6th, 2012 at 11:15 am Caro Says:

    WTF????? This is something out of the Simpsons.

  8. On March 6th, 2012 at 11:24 am The Restaurant Manager Says:

    Hmmm… Sounds like a great book for kids. Think I’ll pick one up! Not.

  9. On March 6th, 2012 at 11:33 am dvorakoelling Says:

    Horrible, terrible book. But dead mouse martinis ARE a hot new trend.

  10. On March 6th, 2012 at 11:55 am Mayor Gia Says:

    Woman! HOW DOES IT END?!?! You can’t leave me hanging!

  11. On March 6th, 2012 at 5:07 pm KaraB Says:

    Agreed, I gots to know what happens!

  12. On March 6th, 2012 at 12:13 pm Tracie Says:

    So, in a twist of an ending, does the mouse eat the cat?

  13. On March 6th, 2012 at 12:18 pm red Says:

    That is HILARIOUS! You have to read the ending and share it with us. Maybe cat redeemed herself by realizing that friendship is more important than food and the cat and mouse both turned vegan. …or ate the monkey.

    …and from reading the other comments, we are all now hanging – please share!

  14. On March 6th, 2012 at 12:51 pm leanne Says:

    Yes, please, how does it end? (But, damn, that’s a sick book. And yeah, I still want to know how it ends.)

  15. On March 6th, 2012 at 12:54 pm Rich Says:

    I think maybe it was written by John Gacy…he was an artist after all.

  16. On March 6th, 2012 at 1:10 pm Jolie Says:

    Thank you for the laughing headache, but please, pictures of how this story ends!! Won’t you think of the Pranksters?! We’re all DYING to know!! BWA HA HA HA HA

  17. On March 6th, 2012 at 2:03 pm Sherry Says:

    OMFG!!! I don’t know what’s funnier – the sick funny of the book, or the LOL funny of your narration!

    Please tell us how it ends.

  18. On March 6th, 2012 at 2:05 pm swalumni Says:

    So…what happens?! I’m too nosy to be offended.

  19. On March 6th, 2012 at 2:35 pm Random Says:

    Wow, what a deliciously twisted book! And yet, eating your friends is bullshit.

  20. On March 6th, 2012 at 2:52 pm La Singe Says:

    K, now you HAVE to tell us how it ends, or I’ll have to go buy this book! BECAUSE! This is what one of the reviews said:

    This unusual story about friendship, loyalty, and the power of love in overcoming obstacles is disguised as a children’s book. I used it with my class of ESL 6th graders who adored the pictures and really got it. There is humor that isn’t too childish for older readers, and sweetness that even my tough boys were touched by. We had a 2-period long discussion about friends and friendships, and the lenghts to which you should go to keep a friend, or to keep a friend safe, that makes me teary with pride as I write this. Young kids to adolescents will enjoy this story.

  21. On March 6th, 2012 at 3:07 pm baseballmom Says:

    omg, and who the hell BUYS it too?!

  22. On March 6th, 2012 at 4:22 pm Cyndi Says:

    I’m a children’s librarian and this made me laugh out loud. Last year, I ordered a book (without checking the reviews, of course) called “It’s a Book”. Sounded harmless enough. It’s about a monkey, a donkey and a mouse. The donkey doesn’t understand the concept of a book–no hard drive, no mouse, etc. The very last line in the book, the monkey goes…”It’s a book, JACKASS!” Did I mention that I work at a Christian school?!? Personally–I thought it was the funniest thing ever. I now own it.

    Thanks for making my day on a regular basis!

  23. On March 6th, 2012 at 4:37 pm Grace Says:

    Psychotic. I too must know what happens next!

  24. On March 6th, 2012 at 4:54 pm Sarah Says:

    I am dieting right now and I’ll tell you what, if my best friend even HINTED at being delicious I would be happy to eat her. (that sounds pervy. Not like that) I mean consume her.

    I linked to you on my blog today, check it out.

  25. On March 6th, 2012 at 5:13 pm Mom On A Line Says:

    I’m totally with everyone else. I really want to know how it ends!

    Another reason why I always read a book before I give it to someone else!!!!

  26. On March 6th, 2012 at 5:15 pm Kristin Says:

    My favorite WTF moment in a kids book was the book that had the mom saying “Good Canadians don’t fart.”

  27. On March 6th, 2012 at 9:17 pm Amy Says:

    And I thought I was a good Canadian, sigh.

    That book is a hoot (in a nasty scary way). Is it perhaps translated? Still, no excuse!

  28. On March 6th, 2012 at 6:19 pm Fearless Fibro Warrior Says:

    I’m just pissed the eyes on the mouse-food aren’t little x’s.

    Even my 8-year-old daughter knows dead critters have x’s for eyes.

  29. On March 6th, 2012 at 6:38 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    Count me in on the “I gotta know how it ends” crowd. Because if the end is as warped as the middle, Ima gonna go get a copy. Right now.

    If it’s all happy ending smiles & giggles, well, f*** it.

  30. On March 6th, 2012 at 6:57 pm Brett Minor Says:

    That is awesome. My daughter would have loved that book.

  31. On March 6th, 2012 at 10:25 pm badbadwebbis Says:

    Okay, here you go (from Publisher’s Weekly []):

    “Devotees of Hello Kitty will look twice at Oh’s first book, which deals in minimalist cuteness and sleek Asian motifs and features dainty title characters, a white cat and her constant companion, a gray mouse. When Cat dresses up in a silk kimono, Mouse paints her picture. When they nap, Mouse sacks out on Cat’s spherical head. But things take a turn when, during one siesta, “Cat’s old friend Monkey came to visit her.” As Mouse snores peacefully, the trickster gives Cat a cookbook to read. A dangerous look comes into the feline’s shiny, plasticky eyes. She realizes “that Mouse could be the most delicious meal in the world.” A fantasy montage pictures Mouse’s round, Mickey-esque ears sticking out of a burger, a taco or dipping sauce. After this dreadful epiphany, Cat flees to a stylized mountaintop to clear her mind of her obsession. A scroll-like spread shows her being visited by temptations until she falls ill; Mouse flies to her rescue, on the back of a crane, and nurses her back to health. Oh gives the age-old cat-and-mouse game a new iconic look. Cat’s face is a perfect circle with pointed ears, and Mouse’s head is a curvy teardrop. Both appear to have been drawn with an ink brush and placed in computer-generated settings replete with rice-paper screens, gnarled trees and cherry blossoms. Traditional symbols coincide with streamlined artwork and cuddly (though not always benevolent) characters in this droll debut. Ages 4-7. (June)”

    Pretty awesome, actually.

  32. On March 6th, 2012 at 11:20 pm Melanie Says:

    I must have this book. My 7 y/o son would love it. Except when the mouse doesn’t get et.

  33. On March 7th, 2012 at 11:34 am Mrs. One Day Says:

    Holy shit! I would have nightmares after reading that mousy snuff book! Who wrote it, Stephen King??

  34. On March 7th, 2012 at 12:47 pm Cindy Says:


  35. On March 7th, 2012 at 8:28 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Bwahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha!!!!! This is frickin hilarious. I think I must have this book now! Dying, just dying over here… But I’m with Fearless Fibro Warrior… the dead mouse should have x’s for eyes. Bwwahahahahahahahaha!

  36. On March 7th, 2012 at 9:44 pm Marta Says:

    Also this children’s book includes a mouse martini. A drink I always serve to my preschooler.

  37. On March 8th, 2012 at 12:22 am Tia Krogstad Says:

    This reminds of my son’s favourite new read about a bear that eats a rabbit (it’s implied, not illustrated consumption) that STOLE HIS HAT. My kid’s watching the pictures, and at the end a forest creature asks Bear if he’s seen Rabbit and Bear says nope. My son goes, “Mom, he got eated up because he stole.” NOW my 4 year old thinks it’s okay to eat someone who steals from you.

    He also likes a tricky book where a bunny plays a mean joke on his bunny pal by giving him a booger for a present. Yes, that’s basically the whole story. It grosses me out but he LOVES the twisted ending.

  38. On March 12th, 2012 at 12:06 pm Kari Says:

    On the other hand, he might now think twice about stealing something, lest he get eated up by a bear as well. 🙂

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...