Mommy Wants Vodka

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Stealing Candy From Babies


Alex Cuppy-Cake

Why NO, I didn’t make that cuppy-cake. Of course I did not. Because if I had, it would not have been a) symmetrical or 2) frosting-ed. I am many, many things, none of which springs to mind is “aesthetically oriented.”

But that picture is important, not because it clearly shows my bully-ness as I am taunting my son with a cuppy-cake, because not two seconds after this shot, I gave him the delicious slice ‘o’ heaven, but because it fully solidifies that he is my son.

Historically, Alex has eschewed anything cake-related in favor of gnawing on, well, anything else, including, but not limited to edamame and well, lately, air. But now, NOW he sees that cake is next to godliness and occasionally allows me to ply him with sugary, springy goodness.


I was going to come here and whine to you about my My Grains. Give you a list of my symptoms and complain bitterly about what a pain in the pooper it is to find a cure for something that could be caused by, well, anything.

It would have been a rousing, self-serving, irritating post, full of long-winded descriptions of each of my symptoms, along with their possible causes, the likes of which, along with discussions of my recent colonoscopies are better suited for Thanksgiving Dinner Table Discussions (don’t all clamor to thank me at once, those of you who will, no doubt, be stuck with me at Thanksgiving).

I decided against it.

It served no purpose, this post I’d half written, other than to prune down my readership and annoy me later when I realized what a sniveling baby I was being. I have nasty migraines and they suck and 50 million red fire ants don’t give a shit.

So today, armed with my Topamax and Vicodin (which, squee!), I am going on a mission. No, thankfully not Mission: Manband.

I am dragging The Daver out to make a care package for my friend Heather, who is pregnant and sick as fuck. You, of course, know Heather and Maddie and Mike and Binky. If you do not, I’ll give you a moment to go and catch up and come back.



So, I want to make a care package for Heather, not really for Binky, because Heather is the sick one. I’ll make Binky one once my niece or nephew makes his or her debut, but this time, I want to make something for Heather.

Any ideas, Internet?

47 Comments to

“Stealing Candy From Babies”

  1. On September 12th, 2009 at 9:10 am Sarah @scunning Says:

    With my first pregnancy the only thing I could keep down was Taco Bell so maybe you could get her a gift certificate to someplace that she can handle. With my second and third pregnancies the only thing that worked was Zofran and I would have my husband write her a prescription for you to send to her, but I don’t think she likes it. Other than that I think she needs a tiara. Just because everyone needs one.

  2. On September 12th, 2009 at 9:20 am Theresa Says:

    I’ve been walking through my house trying to remember what helpt o comfort me when I was pregnant and not feeling well. I’m having a hard too!!

    One of the things I really like was Bath and Body Works aromatherapy. Silly and simple, but it was also comforting. Also I liked anything that was mind numbing. Trashy books, (the new Dan Brown is coming out on Tuesday), old movies, that type of stuff.

    Sorry I couldn’t be more help, but I think it’s really sweet that you’re doing this.

  3. On September 12th, 2009 at 9:23 am V Says:

    Candy corn! If she can take it down. Also, a bottle of peppermint oil for smelling to take the nausea down.

  4. On September 12th, 2009 at 9:10 am Cute~Ella Says:

    Mad Libs. Seriously. Mad Libs. I sent some overseas and the soldiers at them up (after some of them figured out what all the parts of speech were…)

  5. On September 12th, 2009 at 10:12 am Notesfromthegrove Says:

    Buy that girl a season of Sex and the City! My favorite seasons are 3, 4, and 5. I swear, SATC makes EVERYTHING better.

  6. On September 12th, 2009 at 10:23 am Ms. Moon Says:

    I have no idea. I can’t even imagine how difficult this pregnancy must be for her on each and every level. Something to make her laugh? The Blues Brothers movie? Works for me. Something to make her dance? Your choice. We all dance to different songs. Something to keep her warm, something to help her sleep, something to give her hope.
    Yes. All of that.
    Now you figure it out!
    I knew you could.
    And I’m sorry you’re in pain. I don’t know how people with chronic pain manage to get anything done besides weep and sleep. Bless you- you’re strong.

  7. On September 12th, 2009 at 10:33 am Brenda Says:

    I am SURE you will be inundated with seven gazillion comments saying “THIS is the magic thing, trust me!” so I will spare you that intro here and simply say……………. Crystallized Ginger from Penzey’s.

    Saved my sorry, sick, pea soup green barfing ass during the FOUR months that I had 24/7 sickness. I sweated, burped and farted ginger clouds during that time but I was able to function, smile, speak and even go to work – at a hospital no less.

    The ginger not only soothed my nausea but killed off whatever chorus line of stomach acid creatures were doing their cancan dance in my gizzard.

    The worst that can happen is she will smell like Christmas when she toots………..

  8. On September 12th, 2009 at 9:33 am MK Says:

    I’m currently snuggling in with the BEST blankie in the world. It’s from target, the shabby chic designer girl. But it’s plain color – mine is sage, also have pink or white. I’ll try to get a link in here – it’s not for nausea, but it sure would be comforting!

  9. On September 12th, 2009 at 9:35 am Katy Says:

    non-alcoholic beer. if i was pregnant, i’d want to be able to crack one open with everyone else. but only if it was totally non-alcoholic and not really bad for you/binky. like it would keep you, nay, make you MORE sober than an amish woman. like it gives you the same BAC as apple-juice.
    and furry slippers. like super fluffy, but not a pain in the ass to try to keep on your foot.
    and some kind of fun dvd set (if you are feeling generous…) i’d say planet earth or something entertaining AND educational (and not to mention amazing) so that they can watch it and, after binky is born, they can just set HER in front of the tv and let HER watch whales and shit.
    oh, did i mention that i think binky’s a girl? yeah.

  10. On September 12th, 2009 at 9:38 am Nyx Says:

    high-quality chocolate. i don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant…but you can’t go wrong with chocolate, right?

  11. On September 12th, 2009 at 10:44 am BB Says:

    Sea Bands, peppermints, and anything with ginger in in. These all worked wonders for me when I was pregnant and pukey.

  12. On September 12th, 2009 at 10:55 am Erica Says:

    Hmmmm…. My Grains…. we could sit and drink and talk for years about them I’m sure my latest cocktail is Dopamax and Treximet – spiffy 😛 I’m a little – ok a lot ticked that when I went back on the Dopamax after the last pregnancy that it did not not cause any weight loss what so ever, but I did get a lot more stupid than I was.

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE the tiara, and anything that is warm and fuzzy and pampery (is that a word?).
    I couldn’t do anything with a smell when I was pregnant – but if she can that aromatherapy stuff sounds awesome.
    Lora Leigh books are steamy too… I read just a little blurb of one the other night and hmmmm nice… lol
    Oh how about a nice personal fan? I was always 37,646,323 degrees hotter than everybody else around me.

  13. On September 12th, 2009 at 10:06 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Books & movies were my faves then. I had massive food & smell aversions so anything with scent would send me fleeing. But anything that I couls just relax and absorb with no effort was wonderful. Someone got me a footwarmer. It was this pouch with rice or barley or something in it. You microwaved it for 2 minutes, shook it up and then slipped it over your feet while laying down. It was heaven!

  14. On September 12th, 2009 at 10:14 am Stone Fox Says:

    an ergonomic stool to put in front of the toilet. laugh all you want, but the one thing i remember about being sick was either my legs went numb from kneeling, or puke went up my nose from bending over the toilet. i would have loved to have something comfy to sit on.

    and, the second most comfy thing to sit on (after the ergonomic stool, of course) is a plush, velour-covered back wedge with arm rests. i bought mine at zellers, which i believe is the same as target, only canadian. the only difference is when you go into zellers they scan your retina and extract DNA from your fingerprint to make sure you’re canadian. other than that, pretty much the same.

  15. On September 12th, 2009 at 10:28 am IrasciblePlatypus Says:

    An aromatherapy kit with spearmint, lavender, and tangerine essential oils might be nice…spearmint helps with nausea, lavender has some analgesic and anti-depressant properties, and tangerine helps with stress relief.

    Maybe a gift certificate for a massage, if you can find a massage therapist in her area who does prenatal work? I’ll bet the Innarwebz could help out with that!

    When it comes to the footwarmer idea, if you’re “crafty” at all, you could whip one up in no time…just take an inexpensive bandanna from Target that’s a nice color or print, fold it in half, sew the rectangle most of the way closed, pour uncooked rice into it, then sew it closed the rest of the way.

    That’s about it for my helpful suggestions. I’m sorry your My Grains are being beastmonkeys…if it’s any consolation, mine are misbehaving as well. Hope the Topamax works for you!

  16. On September 12th, 2009 at 10:44 am Inna Says:

    I love making care packages!
    I would send her a romance novel (yes, the ones you adore Aunt Becky) to keep her mind off being sick. I also like the chocolate idea and DVDs of SATC. Maybe even a month or two of netflix with 8 movies at a time?

    And I personally like to receive fancy box mixes from crate and barrel. They have some awesome coconut cupcake mixes (I don’t know if Heather likes coconut, or likes to bake).

    And a do it at home spa kit which she can call some friends over to pamper her.

    You’re going to tell us what you decide right?

  17. On September 12th, 2009 at 10:49 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    As a fellow migraine sufferer I totally understand the need to whine. I hope the meds help. I don’t get mine as often as I used to, but when I do, there is nothing like them. And they are relentless and last for days.

    And can I just say DAMN! That cupcake looks delicious. I think you are taunting me as much as Alex. Good thing I have an apple pie in the oven caressing my olfactory senses and keeping me from busting out the mixer.

  18. On September 12th, 2009 at 11:00 am Sandy Says:

    I agree with the people who suggest DVDs of series tv. I would just pop in a DVD of some show that I like, lay on the couch and moan, and then enjoy watching fifteen episodes in a row of Friends or Seinfeld or Sex and the City, or the Sopranos, or Dead Like Me. Etc…

    Also, when I had morning sickness I always had a bad taste in my mouth, and love sucking on Everlasting Gobstoppers.

  19. On September 12th, 2009 at 11:04 am Pete in Az Says:

    How about a little hand bell, so if she needs anything she can just ring for the person what did this to her, instead of shouting.

  20. On September 12th, 2009 at 11:15 am Evil Twin's Wife Says:

    Both times I was pregnant (with keepers, that is), I had an almost insane need for fresh breath at all times. So, I always kept chewing gum or mints nearby.

  21. On September 12th, 2009 at 11:22 am Becks Says:

    All I can say is, NO FOOD, and nothing heavily scented. With pregnant women in the throes of morning sickness (haha. Morning my ass) there is just absolutely no telling what is going to induce gagging and vomiting. Like, when I was pregnant I had horrible, debilitating nausea, and the scent of vegetables, coffee, fabric softener, etc. sent me running to the porcelain throne. The only things I could tolerate were jelly beans, California rolls, and french fries from In n’ Out, THAT’S IT.

    I would pick a nonfood theme and go with it, like, night at the movies, 80’s “remember when”, spa weekend at home, vampires, etc. The more kitsch, the better!

  22. On September 12th, 2009 at 11:44 am TeDiouS Says:

    Go with a themed basket of some sort. Something really pampering.

    two ideas I have are:

    bath & body basket – fill it with all sorts of relaxing, rejuvenating bath products, body oils, candles for the side of the tub, a squashy robe, trashy novel to read in there, a light music cd, some chocolates to munch…go for the entire spa experience.


    movie night on the couch basket – fill this one with old favorite movies from the cheap bin and a couple of the latest blockbusters, movie snacks like microwave popcorn, raisinettes, fuzzy peaches, a cozy blanket to curl up on the couch with…

    Let your imagination roam for your chosen theme, arrange it all lovingly in a basket from the dollar store with a big bow on top. There are SO many things you could put in either basket, just head to the shops and go nuts.

    And I hope Heather feels better soon.

  23. On September 12th, 2009 at 11:52 am cara Says:

    Everyone is different with what makes them sick during the time of supposedly “glowing” gestation – which is just the sheen of sweating after heaving all day long. I couldn’t walk through a grocery store without getting sick. My coping mechanism was a white tea and ginger lotion for BBW and eating mostly peanut butter on bread. I think because it stuck. That and corny music that just makes you (her) smile. Based on her story, anything to put a smile on her face would be great!

    Do not send her a gift card for olive garden! That and oatmeal were the very worse things I ever got sick on.

  24. On September 12th, 2009 at 1:03 pm Carlynn Says:

    The migraines sound like a pain in the butt. I get them from time to time and become all clingy and whiney by the third day (they’re sort of minor but persistant). Hope you are doing better.

    And the care package? I liked fizzy water and lemons when I was feeling sick, and anything crunchy and plain. I think the book is a good idea, maybe a mag with pretty pictures?

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  26. On September 12th, 2009 at 1:32 pm Melissa Says:

    liquidgel Advil and Imitrex are my friends when trying to defeat the evil my-grains, and a friend of mine is having great luck with naproxyn sodium.

    As for the care pack… I puked 24/7 x 9 months with my first… only ONCE with my second. the difference? my midwife told me to take these WONDERFUL liquid vitamins (not pre-natal, so you still need to suppliment with the usual stuff) called FLORAVIT. The ONLY time I puked with #2 was the week I ran out of it!

  27. On September 12th, 2009 at 1:41 pm Rebecca Says:

    My vote is to always go with humor. Buy her some funny books to read, joke books. Get a few funny DVD’s.

  28. On September 12th, 2009 at 3:06 pm moonspun Says:

    include one of those eye pillows or heating pads with rice or corn or whatever you put in them so they can be cold or hot. They are relaxing and multipurpose….

  29. On September 12th, 2009 at 2:52 pm GingerB Says:

    I puked all the time while preggers, and I did get some relief from Pregnancy Pop Drops or suckers, available at Walgreens or Motherhood. I also used the grated fresh ginger root in Sprite method I learned on a boat in Hawaii, with some success. Give her a stack of airline barf bags too.

    For distraction, I loved the Buffy 7 series set, or Angel.

    Don’t get her her a puking stool – tell her to start puking in the kitchen sink if she has a disposal. This improved my life dramatically, because puking anywhere near a toliet means you puke even more. The sink is way, way more comfortable, and easier to clean up. I will never go back.

    Are you shopping for a paint by numbers black velvet Jesus, or what?

  30. On September 12th, 2009 at 3:40 pm flutter Says:

    crap, now I want a cupcake.

  31. On September 12th, 2009 at 3:56 pm Krissa Says:

    A pedicure gift certificate and a large, deep stainless steel bowl for the up-throwing.

  32. On September 12th, 2009 at 5:46 pm birdpress Says:

    Sorry about your Grains. I hope you are feeling better. I don’t know what pregnant women need, obviously, but maybe find out if she has any foods she prefers and stock her up? I hear pregnant women sometimes like to eat. It’s nice of you to send her a care package and I’m sure she’ll appreciate just the thought!

  33. On September 12th, 2009 at 7:14 pm amy d Says:

    Ok, I didn’t read the other comments, so if anyone else suggested this, I apologize. And I’m not sure if I completely understand the care package. My suggestion is for stuff AFTER Binky arrives.

    People are always quick to give you tons of baby stuff…clothes, bath needs, etc. But rarely do they give the mom stuff. I suggest body lotions, opi polishes, expensive chocolates, hell…even nipple cream if Heather plans on breast feeding. I used a TON of that stuff!

    This is so sweet of you to do. You’re such a good friend.

  34. On September 12th, 2009 at 7:36 pm Melanie Says:

    Woah. You’re friends with that Heather?? Internet is a small place I guess.

    I think it’s sweet of you to do that. Sucks, what she’s been through. Life is sucky, isn’t it? Suckity-sucky. No, I’m not drunk. I wish I was though.

  35. On September 12th, 2009 at 8:39 pm Tawnia Says:

    Pickles and Vitamin C! She can’t drink, and probably doesn’t want to have sex so that leaves out all the FUN stuff 🙂 LOL
    Get well soon Heth
    Love Tawnia

  36. On September 12th, 2009 at 7:47 pm Ellen Says:

    Have you tried Zomig for your migraines? I’ve tried pretty much everything else short of lopping off my head and replacing it with a zombie head-and truthfully it is the only med that works for me.

    As far as a care package goes, I suck at that so I’ll let the smart people give you ideas.

  37. On September 12th, 2009 at 9:00 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    I’m no help, so I’ll just say to send her a helping of ME with a side of YOU.

    And who knew I’ve had my head so far in the sand (or up my own ass, depending on who you ask) that I didn’t know that you and Heather were friendlies.

    Shit. I need to pay more attention to people who aren’t featured on The Soup.

  38. On September 12th, 2009 at 8:08 pm Jenn Says:

    Grains totally suck. My doctor brushed me off with “oh it’s just stress” so. many. times. I hope yours is better than that!

    As far as the care package goes (and I haven’t read other suggestions in the comments (because I’m lazy!) but I’m SURE I’m duplicating so forgive me!):
    lotion, a book (if you know what she likes to read), bookmark, chocolate (or some other candy she loves), music (make her an awesome Aunt Becky Mix), nail polish or pedicure stuff, magazine, bubble bath, a journal, a card (of course), something with Maddie’s photo on it… and I’m out of ideas.

    You are such a sweet person. Heather is lucky to have such a great friend. xoxo

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  40. On September 12th, 2009 at 8:09 pm Jenn Says:

    Oh or a gift card to some place she likes.

  41. On September 12th, 2009 at 11:37 pm Nel Says:

    One Tree Hill DVD’s. Stop laughing at me. Best guilty pleasure ever.

    Also, give her yourself. If I were in that situation, I would make Belle snuggle me.

    I’m sorry about your My Grains. They are the worst, I know. I hope your meds give you some relief.

  42. On September 13th, 2009 at 8:47 pm Alicia Says:

    The ergonomic stool idea is awesome. Seriously. Beyond that, movies. Movies are uniquely able to make you forget everything and transport you somewhere else. Somewhere less vomitous. Ooh! And Sudoku!

  43. On September 14th, 2009 at 7:13 am SciFi Dad Says:

    If you have pain in your pooper, you might want to consider lube.

    *cue porno music*

  44. On September 15th, 2009 at 6:53 pm Kendra Says:

    So sorry about the migraines. My mom and sister both suffer, and I know how lucky I am to have been spared.

    As far as the care package goes, my nausea responded to relatively little, but sometimes I liked Sea Bands (that you wear on your wrists) or ginger. That and, no lie, sticking my head in the freezer. For almost all of my second pregnancy, I had heartburn, nausea, and my mouth tasted like I’d been sucking on pennies. The ONLY thing that helped was standing with my head in the freezer. But it made me look a little crazy, and I don’t think you can really mail that.

    I love the idea of some sort of pampering. I always felt like a huge swollen pile of shit, nothing like the “glowing baby making machine” I was supposed to be. A pedicure, manicure, or a little collection of jars of mud masks and other things that are fun to put on and wash off would have made me feel great. That and a Bella Band, actually. I never got around to getting one until after the baby was born (and used it then, actually) and couldn’t believe how much I would have loved that when I was pregnant. I hated all my maternity clothes, not least because they didn’t seem able to cover my enormous belly.

    All my best to Heather and family. Really. I’ll be thinking of them tons.

  45. On September 17th, 2009 at 12:32 pm kckarla Says:

    Topamax…what a Godsend! That has been my daily power pellet for the past three years! For the most part it has kept the migraines away. When that fails, I pop a dramamine and go ‘night- nights’ for a few hours. Of course my cats can be trusted to watch themselves…not so sure this technique would be the best for those with say…little humans who need attention?

    Kids can totally raise themselves, right?

  46. On September 17th, 2009 at 1:27 pm Rayne of Terror Says:

    Well since Heather says she’s tried every at home nausea remedy there is, I wouldn’t send anything in that area. I might like to receive a gift certificate to a nearby laundry so I could drop off for a fluff & fold and not have to deal with that chore for a week or two.

  47. On September 18th, 2009 at 9:38 am Kckarla Says:

    Occasionally it takes a village…but then there is that poor idiot who got short changed…walking around going “WTF?”

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