Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Spam, Spam, SPAM


On Monday, the UPS guy came to my house. Generally, that signifies something a) FULL of the awesome or b) mind-numbingly boring, but this week, I hadn’t ordered anything. So I figured it was probably the dyslexic UPS guy delivering something for my neighbor. Which is option three, I guess.

However, the package was addressed to me and it weighed approximately 600 pounds. That had to be good, right?

(I learned one year, after my brother wrapped up a small book in a large television box that size really doesn’t matter)

But heaviness? WIN.

Eagerly I tore into it, confused as to who had sent me anything – forgetting it had just been my birthday – and came to a nicely wrapped box from my friend Crystal.

In it, I found this:


Six motherfucking cans of Spam.

While I do admit to an unnatural love of encased meat products, my love does not and has never involved Spam. Especially Spam with bacon. There’s just something so terribly wrong with this.

I gagged as I neatly placed them in my china cabinet, next to the Cock Soup another Prankster sent me, and realized precisely what this Spam needed.

Fucking cats with fucking laser beams coming out of their heads.

I have the best Pranksters ever.

32 Comments to

“Spam, Spam, SPAM”

  1. On July 27th, 2011 at 10:35 am Emmy Lou Says:


  2. On July 27th, 2011 at 7:53 pm Ewokmama Says:

    Thank you! So glad someone recognizes it. 😉

  3. On July 27th, 2011 at 10:37 am Ms Dreamer Says:

    You might be surprised. I abhor Spam…but the Bacon Spam. Is. Fucking. Awesome. Slice that shit up, fry it up, add some eggs, some cheese, and some salsa.

    Ok. going to get that for dinner this evening!

  4. On July 27th, 2011 at 10:40 am Jenn3128 Says:

    I just threw up a little in my mouth.

  5. On July 27th, 2011 at 10:42 am Brandon Says:

    This disproves the theory that everything is better with bacon…

    Do you have any Hawaiian friends? Spam is a delicacy on the big island, and one of my friends raves about his wife’s “Spam Taquitos.”

  6. On July 27th, 2011 at 10:45 am Tina Says:

    ew ew EW! But I’m totally buying some of this for a friend who LOVES and WORSHIPS bacon….

  7. On July 27th, 2011 at 11:05 am Caroline Says:

    Spam with Bacon! Now that’s fucked up.

  8. On July 27th, 2011 at 11:07 am Losing Brownies Says:

    Eww. Spam. My mom eats the crap out of that stuff.

  9. On July 27th, 2011 at 11:20 am Rebecca Says:

    Not a fan of Spam, but really REALLY want to try bacon spam!

  10. On July 27th, 2011 at 11:22 am Tina Says:

  11. On July 27th, 2011 at 11:41 am Just Jenn Says:

    I fucking LOVE Spam! Feel free to send a can my way. We don’t have the Spam w/ Bacon yet ’round these here parts. 😉

  12. On July 27th, 2011 at 11:48 am Barefeet In The Kitchen Says:

    bwahahahaha, that is awful. Definitely worthy of the china cabinet.

  13. On July 27th, 2011 at 12:00 pm Andrea Says:

    Crack open one of those bad boys, as I need to know if bacon really does make everything taste better!

  14. On July 27th, 2011 at 12:07 pm Tina H Says:

    EEWWW Spam with bacon?!?! I am gagging right along with you! Although I know there are people out there who like it. Well, they can have it!

  15. On July 27th, 2011 at 12:26 pm steph gas Says:

    eugh. gross. meat does not belong in a can, i’m sorry aunt motherfucking becky. and i love bacon as much as the next non-vegetarian but really, this is just too much.

    also? vegetarians love bacon-flavored things too. did you know bac-os are not actually made of bacon and are, in fact, vegetarian friendly? true story.

  16. On July 27th, 2011 at 12:41 pm Smarty Britches Says:

    Spam spam spam,spam, spam spam spam spam, Spppppaaammm wonderful spam…..wondeful spam!

    Monty Python – Spam

    Fresh Out of Gold Stars

  17. On July 27th, 2011 at 1:14 pm Eliza Says:

    Glad your friend supplied you with the best food in time of famine!

    Even Mr. Snarky Anthony Bourdain got into the insanity of the Island-style of Spam consumption some years back…

    Our president’s favorite childhood snack – Spam Musubi – available at all Minit Stops (our local version of gas station/snack supplier). Eat it for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Get your protein, carb and kelp any ol’ time of the day. LOL!

    And now with Bacon? Wow… special indeed! Not sure if it is on island quite yet. I’ll hear the stampede to those aisles soon, I am sure.

  18. On July 27th, 2011 at 2:37 pm Gretchen Says:

    One Christmas my brother wrapped a huge rock and gave it to me. It was heavy (feels exciting!) and he talked it up for weeks before Christmas. Total big brother move.

  19. On July 27th, 2011 at 3:18 pm Lizbeth Says:

    That just made me throw up in my mouth a bit. Good thing is, if we get attacked by Zombies or whatever you’ll be ready. That stuff lasts forever.

  20. On July 27th, 2011 at 3:25 pm Kelly Says:

    Meat should not come in a can with a key. I know it’s not a real “key” anymore, but remember when they had that?

    Does Spam have a born on date?

  21. On July 27th, 2011 at 3:29 pm Angie Uncovered Says:

    Well I obviously have f*cking PMS because I saw those cans and thought, “holy shit that would be excellent fried with an egg then topped with cheese and made into a big ass egg/spam grilled cheese.’

    I just clogged an artery looking at it.

  22. On July 27th, 2011 at 4:13 pm Anthony from CharismaticKid Says:

    Isn’t that where spam comes from anyway? Cats with lasers?

  23. On July 27th, 2011 at 5:53 pm Melissa Says:

    Do you want me to send you some Taylor Ham instead?? It’s freaking amazing, not in a can, did I mention AMAZING?

  24. On July 27th, 2011 at 9:27 pm A Field of Dreams Says:

    Ok that one is going in my bomb bunker…

  25. On July 28th, 2011 at 7:20 am Lola Says:

    Am I the only one who assumed this post was going to be about Spam, as in unsolicited, unwanted, and annoying email messages? I’m SO off my game today.

  26. On July 28th, 2011 at 7:45 am Caroline Says:

    If I was on the verge of starvation (in any possible situation) and the only food source was spam…….I would let myself die! That’s how fuck!ng gross this sh!t is to me. I think you should burn it……..burrrrrrn it!

  27. On July 28th, 2011 at 9:08 am MissHannah Says:

    ohhhhhhhh we used to have SPAM fried in batter for school dinner with bubble and squeak!

  28. On July 28th, 2011 at 9:36 am Optimistic Mom Says:

    WOW! They really do put bacon in everything. I LOVE bacon, not sure about the spam…smh

  29. On July 28th, 2011 at 9:58 am Jonah Gibson Says:

    For some reason I have been hearing and seeing Spam references all over the place the past week. Comments here notwithstanding, most of what I have heard has been good, so good in fact that I have had my curiosity piqued even though I have been busy abhorring the very thought of Spam for decades. …Now with bacon. That’s the shizzle!

  30. On July 30th, 2011 at 9:09 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    Oh, Aunt Becky, you have saddened me for the first time ever. How could you not realize how full Spam is of teh awesome? OK, no, it’s not vodka. Or vicodin. Be that as it may, the world would be a sadder place without Spam. And Spam with Bacon? Possibly the only thing more awesome than Spam would have to be Spam with Bacon.

  31. On July 31st, 2011 at 12:24 am Jen richeson Says:

    Sounds like the only thing missing from that china cabinet is a nice big can of Spotted Dick! (available at Cost Plus World Market)

  32. On August 9th, 2011 at 12:45 pm Shopping The Friendly Skies Or Why Skymall is My BFF. - Mommy Wants VodkaMommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] require this above all else. He will go in my china cabinet, with my six-pack of Spam with Bacon. And he will reek of style and […]

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