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Slack-Jawed Yokel


I should’ve known. I really should’ve known.

Sitting in the waiting room at the RotoRooter guy’s office, what happens to come onto the speakers but the Eagles. The fucking EAGLES, man. Not as bad as Rush, but still, up there on my Run Like Hell list.

Finally, after what appeared to be twenty-six hours (not the two minutes it took), I was called back into see my (new) dentist. First question, “Do you use nitrous?” I figured, if I’ve gotta be in agony, I may as well be wasted, too.

“No,” the nurse replied, “just local.”

So she strapped another one of those, “IMMA CHOKE YOU TO DEATH, ASSHOLE” X-ray things in my mouth, as I vowed to brush my teeth regularly. 8 times a day, even! 12! Anything so I didn’t have to have bite-wings in my mouth again.

The dentist with kind eyes came in and took a look almost instantaneously. I hadn’t even strapped on my iPod yet, and there he was, all bright-eyed and smiles.

(boring aside: I always, ALWAYS, listen to you, Pranksters. Y’all told me to listen to some tunes and I fucking DID. Er, was going to. I also held a tube of chapstick like it was my talisman)(if I knew what a talisman was)

He poked around in my mouth a bit, jostling my shredded tongue, before he sucked in his breath.

Uh. Oh.

Not a good sign.

Then, he went over and took a look at my x-ray. He sighed more deeply.

Fuck. How can I make two jovial dentists sigh in one fucking week? I should win an award for Worst Tooth Ever.

He then swiveled his chair over to me and said, the regret seeping out of his pores. “Well, we can do two things. I can TRY to give you a root canal, probably a couple procedures, then your dentist can work to lengthen the root and in a couple of years you may be back here.” That was clearly not the preferred method.

“OR, we can just extract the tooth. There seems to be some decay at the roots and I’m concerned by it.”

Well hell. I ruined his day AND made him concerned. Is there anything worse than hearing, “I’m concerned about you?” I think not.

It took me less than a second to come to my conclusion: “Let’s get that fucker outta there.”

“Okay,” he said mournfully. “We don’t do that here.”

Tears pouring, I began the process of calling every tooth-yanker in the area, begging them to get me in. Found one who’d do it, but only if I got there NAO. Which was no problem since I was approximately five feet away from their office.

They, at the very least, had The Nitrous. And no Eagles playing in the waiting room.

I went back, begging the nurse to hold my hand, after she told me my headphones were too large to use during the procedure. She cranked up the Christmas music instead, and I began Aunt Becky’s Nitrous Trip. I realized that while under the influence, it was the most relaxed I’d been in years. Stress? What ME Stressed? HOW DARE YOU SIR.

The ceiling began to swim and I swore that the Christmas music began to skip, like the worst industrial remix of Deck the Halls, ever. But I didn’t care. I was RELAXED, motherfucker.

The tooth extraction went well, overall, except that I’m now missing one of my back molars. Perhaps Santa will bring me a new one, rather than the stocking full of, um, nothing I’ll probably get this year. (Long, LONG story).

I went home, where The Guy On My Couch, Ben, promptly made me some chocolate frosting that I couldn’t eat, while my kids clucked and fussed over me. (Daver was off at a play in the city all night).

Today, I look like an overgrown Cabbage Patch Kid, half of my face swollen and bruised. The pain is better, for sure, but I was just informed that I am still unable to chew things for the next few days. Which is probably good for my waistline.

And I’m overwhelmed by the amount of slack-jawed yokel jokes I’ll be able to make at my own expense for the next 50 or so years.

Or I will be, once I stop bleeding.

37 Comments to

“Slack-Jawed Yokel”

  1. On December 16th, 2011 at 12:05 pm Ami Says:

    Awwww!! Bless your poor little pea pickin’ heart!! (sorry the southern roots come out when somebody is in pain). I’m so sorry sweetie. Many prayers headed your way.

  2. On December 16th, 2011 at 12:21 pm Tina Says:

    oooohhhh man I just had this conversation about HOW MUCH I HATE RUSH this week. As in I WOULD RATHER SHOVE PENCILS IN MY EARS hate of Rush. While the husband loves Rush.

    Sending good feelers to you while your gum mourns the loss of it’s friend.

  3. On December 16th, 2011 at 12:23 pm Teala Says:

    I’m you’re doing okay. On the bright side, you could become a fancy slack-jawed yokel and get a tooth implant. Then you’d at least have the appearance of being not-a-slack-jawed yokel.

  4. On December 16th, 2011 at 12:30 pm CycleNinja Says:

    Show someone the hole in your face and tell them, “But you should see what the other guy looks like.”

  5. On December 16th, 2011 at 12:34 pm Dawnie Says:

    When do you get the gold pirate tooth replacement?!?

  6. On December 16th, 2011 at 12:48 pm Anonymous for this one Says:

    If it is still bleeding, place a dampened tea bag on the hole. Worked on my extracted wisdom tooth. In the meantime, get all the enjoyment you can from the pain killers; my neighbor took one look at me and refused to give my baby back to me until I was more normal again.

  7. On December 17th, 2011 at 1:54 pm Evil Twin's Wife Says:

    I agree with the tea bag to stop the bleeding. Also, no drinking anything from a straw and use a salt water rinse couple times a day to keep your tooth hole free from whatever food bits you’re able to eat. You don’t want that blood clot to fall out or you’ll get “dry socket” and be really miserable.

    I had a molar removed once and all these things (plus good painkiller drugs and Frosty’s from Wendy’s) helped me. Hang in there!

  8. On December 16th, 2011 at 1:21 pm The Mommy Says:

    I live in slack-jawed yokel country, so I have a plethora of jokes for ya. BUT, I’m in a rush so re: Nitrous Oxide. I just read a technique by Dr. Oz to “make your own”: Breathe out as far as you can; suck in a nice deep breath in a count of 4; hold for count of 7; breathe out slowly at a count of 8; when you suck in the next time (that’s what she said…) you’ll get a nice little dose of NO. I’ve been doing this, oh, I dunno, ALL DANG DAY! But I’m happy!

  9. On December 16th, 2011 at 1:22 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    Hahaha, last time I got wisdom teeth pulled, I used the nitrous. It was alright — it cost like two hundred bucks, and I might as well have just gotten drunk before hand.

    Ironically, I had gotten a root canal ON that wisdom tooth a few months earlier, but it failed or something (I woke up one day with excruciating mouth pain). Honestly, getting a tooth pulled is less hassle than a root canal. You made the right choice. I’m still bitter that I wasted time and money getting the tooth root canalled when it had to get pulled anyway.

  10. On December 16th, 2011 at 1:27 pm Inelegant_Life Says:

    Poor, poor you! I was going to tell you all about my husband’s missing tooth, but I think I’ll post it on my own blog. Whenever I have time to actually write again. I’ll just say I’m glad yours is a molar and not a front tooth!

  11. On December 16th, 2011 at 1:52 pm Pete In Az Says:

    Did you know that Ingrid Bergman had her molars removed so her face would look thinner?

    So… Look at it this way: Half of your face will look thinner.

    Yes? No? Or, should I just shut up?

  12. On December 16th, 2011 at 2:01 pm kate murphy Says:

    i feel like now would be the appropriate time to launch into some “oh hey when my tooth…” story but i’ll save that for over drinks someday. dropped in to say that you’re hilarious, and i hope to be like you someday. p.s. i told my husband about your mushroom printing blog and even he laughed (he’s generally a poor sport in all things blogging related).

  13. On December 16th, 2011 at 2:13 pm Jocelyn @ ScooterMarie Says:

    Holy hell! That sounds awful. I’m sorry you had to get your tooth yanked, but hopefully your tongue will stop shredding. Bright side, right?

  14. On December 16th, 2011 at 2:34 pm Jamie Says:

    Oh no, you did NOT just insult The Eagles. Okay, let’s take this outside.

  15. On December 16th, 2011 at 2:51 pm Anna Says:

    I was recently at the dentist for a crown and he asked if I’ve ever used nitrous. Before I knew what I was saying I blurted out “Only in college, with a balloon.” The shock on his face!! Then they gassed me up and when he mentioned something about being a swimmer in college I burst out laughing and couldn’t stop so they had to stop the procedure for a solid 5 minutes. Nitrous is AWESOME.

  16. On December 16th, 2011 at 3:30 pm bauerbauer Says:

    So many hugs. Extractions are icky, and dental pain is absolutely the worst (I know full well it hurts like a mofo. I ended up in the ER because one of my wisdom teeth got infected, and I was curled up in fetal position on the floor, sobbing because of the pain my jaw was in.)

    When I was recovering from having my wisdom teeth yanked, smoothies became my new best friend. And there are so many options- add yogurt, fruit of all different kinds, peanut butter, chocolate… or just eschew any pretense of being healthy and make a milkshake instead 😀

    But yeah. Much love headed in your direction. I hope you feel better soon!

  17. On December 16th, 2011 at 4:03 pm Jennifer Bohrer Says:

    now you will need to train your silly tongue not to go playing in the hole till it’s all healed…

  18. On December 16th, 2011 at 4:57 pm Squatlo Says:

    Your first comment about The Eagles sent my twisted mind on a quick rewind of The Big Lebowski scene in which The Dude gets tossed out of the cab because he insulted the guy’s musical choice (The Fucking Eagles). Might have been worth a listen in their day, but that day has definitely passed.

    Dental visits suck… Hope you feel better soon.

    Merry Xmas, regardless!

  19. On December 16th, 2011 at 5:50 pm Amy Says:

    awww you poor thing!! 🙁 I hope you’re back to eating solid foods soon!

  20. On December 16th, 2011 at 6:03 pm JenniferB Says:

    Oh Aunt Beckster… so sorry to hear about all this dental Bullshit. I am lucky enough to never have a Devil, er, Dentist utter the words “root canal” to me, but if they ever did… I would just tell them right then and there to take that mofo right out. I’ve had 4 teeth pulled, and it never seemed like a big deal, especially not compared to the pain experienced by people I’ve known to have undergone the torture of a RC. EW. Just ew. I hope you feel better soon and that you’ve passed through all the craptastic events for the decade. You’ve earned your wings already.

  21. On December 16th, 2011 at 7:17 pm Magpie Says:

    Oh honey, what a drag. Milkshakes, for a week. Maybe spiked ones.

  22. On December 16th, 2011 at 8:43 pm Cindy Says:

    i still have this image of you hiding vicodin in that hole!

  23. On December 16th, 2011 at 8:56 pm Veronica Says:

    I had the same thing happen to one of my molars – minus the round and round in circles that you did. They looked at me, looked at my tooth and said “maaaaybe a root canal will work”. I ended up having it pulled – I didn’t have 3k for the root canal. Ugh.

  24. On December 16th, 2011 at 9:52 pm Martha Says:

    Oh, man, that stinks! The Eagles? Seriously? At least you got some awesome Christmas DJ mix at the extraction-even if it was only in your own head!

  25. On December 16th, 2011 at 10:06 pm Kristin Says:

    That seriously SUCKS…both the tooth and the stocking full of nothing.

  26. On December 16th, 2011 at 10:21 pm katrina Says:

    So sorry for your pain Aunt Becky. The teabag thing really works….Heal quickly.

  27. On December 16th, 2011 at 11:39 pm Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo Says:

    You know they don’t use nitrous in Australia?

    We just have to squeeze a koala or something.

    I am getting nice and liquored up before I go and get my own tongue shredding tooth removed.

  28. On December 17th, 2011 at 1:21 am Alexis Says:

    My dad, who’s a doctor, not a dentist, but put in an extra clerkship in oral surgery just because he had an extra three weeks, says a tooth extraction is the pain equivalent of a broken bone.

  29. On December 17th, 2011 at 1:56 am Steve Bailey Says:

    Man that sucks! But thank god for nitrous right! The dentist is my most hated place….. so you are getting much sympathy from here in Portland.

  30. On December 17th, 2011 at 8:24 am Triplezmom Says:

    So many hugs. That just sucks donkey balls.

    I once had a dentist who used nitrous even for routine cleaning. Damn, I miss that guy.

  31. On December 17th, 2011 at 1:56 pm Ashley Says:

    Awww… better out than trying to fix one with root decay.. they made that same decision about my 2nd bad tooth.

    Extraction hurt less than a cleaning and I ate a McD’s burger 6 hours later for dinner.

  32. On December 17th, 2011 at 5:18 pm Kathleen Says:

    You have all my sympathy, Aunt Becky. I recently had to have all the rest my top teeth pulled out and a denture put in. I woke up this morning with a balloon face and serious luggage under my eyes. (On the plus side, I had no wrinkles.) I had to call my dentist at home on a Saturday morning to get him to call in a prescription for anti-biotics. (It still hurts, but the wrinkles are coming back to my face, and the trunks under my eyes are just the normal bags, now.) I’m chowing down on percocet like it’s going out of style! Hope you feel better soon!

  33. On December 17th, 2011 at 5:36 pm Alexis Says:

    Didn’t they at least give you a f%$@ing Vicodin prescription?

  34. On December 17th, 2011 at 10:35 pm Katie Says:

    I feel your pain! I consented to have a tooth I’d broken pulled while under the influence of nitrous AND valium (only way to go to the dentist imo)… and tonight. Just tonight — the post in a crown finally gave way. I am now missing TWO molars on the left. Holy geez, I need to move to the hills and get barefoot and preggo asap. Please pray to the purple vodka godesses that they can just re-post the crown. I do NOT want to pay for another.

  35. On December 18th, 2011 at 8:20 am Sara Says:

    Thanks to amazingly awful genetics, and silly yak disease, I will probably have to have a full set of dentures before I am 31. I’m mostly jealous of your nitrous. I have an extraction next week that I (finally) get some xanax for.

    Feel better soon friend!

  36. On December 19th, 2011 at 12:35 am Heather Says:

    I’m not a big Rush fan, but honestly-how can you say they’re worse than the Eagles? If I ever hear Desperado again…….
    I also don’t understand why a dentist wouldn’t pull a tooth. That’s a new one for me. Sorry you had to get it pulled though.

  37. On December 23rd, 2011 at 11:11 pm DaPatman Says:

    I feel for ya Aunt Becky, I have them hit me with the nitrous for checkups. And I never go to The Chair without my IPod.

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