Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Silent But Deadly Is The Quickest Way To My Heart


I’m going to be uncharacteristically honest here because I am hallucinating tiny pink penguins marching over the monitor on my Big Mac and I don’t think that anything I say can be held against me in The Marriage Court and say it: Dave isn’t a great gift buyer. He’s gotten better over the years, for sure, but that’s only after I spent about four separate birthdays crying, “You mean, you bought me this pack of gum from a GAS STATION?”

I recognize that gifts and being thought of on the day of one’s birth (or on other holidays) isn’t important to everyone. For those of you who don’t care about such material things, I give you massive props. You are CLEARLY better, more evolved than I am.

I’m a slothly, mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragger of a person who likes my stuff-n-things and really, I want someone to THINK of me on my damn birthday (which, Pranksters, should be a national holiday).

That said, there are a couple of things that if The Daver thought to buy me on my birthday (or any other present buying day, really), I’d be Furious George.

Like this (brought to my attention by my new brother-in-law Patrick):

The BETTER MARRIAGE BLANKET. It officially reduces the incidences of those pesky Dutch Ovens and night farts. Which, to me, are like the best part of marriage.

I’m not a terribly gassy person, but The Daver, well, he is. So when he gets into bed and rips ass, I do the only thing a person CAN do in this situation. I grab the quilt and I quickly pull it over his head, trapping the noxious odors inside where he is forced to rebreathe his own stench for minutes at a time (this, Pranksters, is a Dutch Oven).

He’ll lay under there, howling for mercy, chocking on his own disgustingness while I lay on top of him cackling wildly.

If I had the Better Marriage Blanket, I could not do such a thing and that WOULD MAKE ME SAD. Because I consider that to be high sport and while I’m sure a good lot of you are shaking your heads wondering how I conned someone into marrying me, I can honestly tell you that I have no idea, either.

So BACK OFF, Better Marriage Blanket People, and let me have my fun.

And The Daver, if you buy me this, I will somehow manage to find a way to get Auggie to pee on your pillow. That’s a promise.


What’s the worst gift YOU have gotten, Pranksters?

94 Comments to

“Silent But Deadly Is The Quickest Way To My Heart”

  1. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:34 am Natalie Says:

    For Christmas one year, my husband bought me a trial membership to a gym as a stocking stuffer. He’s lucky I didn’t murder him in his sleep. (He likes going to the gym, so he thought he was being thoutful. Argh.)

  2. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:35 am Natalie Says:

    Wow. I can’t spell today. THOUGHTFUL.

  3. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:49 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yeah, see, I like the gym too, but at the same time, I know Dave hates it, so it would be kind of mean to be all ‘HEY DUDE, GET YOUR ASS OFF TO THE GYM.’

    Payback, though…

  4. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:10 pm Cindy Says:

    My husband did the same thing!! Nothing like showing your wife how fat you think she is! I cried my eyes out after that one. He didn’t understand why I was upset. At some point in the year I had mentioned I wanted a gym membership, so he got me one! Bad timing. BAD timing.

  5. On May 21st, 2010 at 9:25 am Jennifer June Says:

    I think your husband is in this video:

  6. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:56 am avasmommy Says:

    My worst gift ever came not from my husband (who actually does pretty well), but from my grandmother.

    Two dollars. In quarters. I was 15. The end.

  7. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:44 pm Melissa Says:

    GAH! My grandmother used to send all of her grandchildren a CHECK for 50 cents until the day she died, when I was in my 20’s.

  8. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:34 pm Peggy Brister Says:

    My husband told me one time he had a surprise for me and that he ordered me something off the internet. It would come in a few days. Well a few days passed and he got the package and I am super excited wondering WTF he could have gotten me since I didn’t ask for anything (that week). It turns out he needed something for a zit and he had researched and found tinted zinc zit cream and thought I might like some too. First of all, I don’t have an acne problem, but if I did I would buy something for it like OH I dunno, Proactive or Oxy pads, I dunno, something- MYSELF. And to buy another person zinc zit cream and call it a surprise is a lose your next session of sex offense. I tried not to act totally incensed and dusgusted at my surprise and asked him why he bought me tinted zinc cream for zits. I don’t even wear base liquid face make up so for me to wear tinted zinc cream on my face would stand out. He is a fucktard of the first degree. I told him he ought to be shitty like all the other husbands and buy me a fucking Dyson Ball god damn vacuum cleaner. Then I could openly bitch about getting a practical gift while inside I would be doing thehappy dance. He would get sex for a Dyson Ball.

  9. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:34 am Andrea Says:

    AHAHA! That right there is the secret to a happy marriage. I assume. I wouldn’t know as I’ve never even come near an aisle when I wasn’t wearing a mint green prom dress.

  10. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:37 am Andrea Says:

    Oh and you asked a question, didn’t ja? Back when I lived with a boy the first time, we did stockings instead of gifts for Christmas. Only he filled mine with candy and games that I hated and he loved. When I asked why he didn’t figure out what I might have wanted, he said, “well if you don’t want it, you could give it to me.”

  11. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:48 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I once got a “CD that cost a penny!!” He was so proud of his frugality that he had to share. ASSHOLE. (not The Daver)

  12. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:38 am Mary Says:

    One year my husband got me a pale green necklace. It’s a pretty shade of green but it looks like something a kid would buy at a yard sale. Wait a minute…….

  13. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:47 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha! My kid always tries to pick out huge clunky jewelry.

  14. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:38 pm Kristi Dorson Says:

    “flatulence molecules” is going to be my new favorite oath for a while. Every time I fuck something up I am going to stamp my foot and mutter “oh FLATULENCE MOLECULES”.

  15. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:45 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    This is a tough one but I’m going to go with the time my now ex-SIL gave me make up for Xmas. I don’t wear much makeup- powder & eyeliner, maybe lipgloss. So either this was a not so subtle hint that I need makeup or she was that completely clueless.
    Possibly she just didn’t give a fuck too. The make up set she gave me was some ‘free with $100 purchase’ thing. It was in all the major dept stores. Even I, who wear no make up, knew exactly where the gift came from.

  16. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:45 am Brooke Says:

    My ex bought me pots and pans for our last Christmas together. He thought he was trying to help inspire me to cook more. The joke’s on him – they’re an awesome set and I learned to cook after I left him. My husband now enjoys great (if I do say so myself) (94.68% of the time) homecooked meals and my ex had zero girlfriends to cook and zero pots and pans.

  17. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:46 am Marie Says:

    Hell Yeah! Dutch oven=Cardio.

  18. On May 20th, 2010 at 11:57 am Stephanie Says:

    worst christmas ever he. got. me. nothing. Cause I was “too picky to buy for”


    Then I got power tools.

  19. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:01 pm Melissa Says:

    One year my brother had me for Christmas, and I asked for a scarf, a nice long one. (I DO ask for my gifts, because otherwise I would get something like, a gift card to Marshall’s or something).

    Well, I opened my gift, and it was gold and maroon striped. I like Harry Potter and all, but seriously? Unless I am wearing a costume I dont really want people to connect me with the Gryffindors. My sister got mad at me because I laughed at him.

    She at that point had never read nor seen Harry Potter.

  20. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:03 pm Melissa Says:

    For those that dont get the “had me for Christmas” – when you have a big family, if you arent super rich, you do a grab bag thingy, so that you only have to get one gift for siblings.

    If you were thinking something else, you are just SICK lol.

  21. On May 21st, 2010 at 7:43 am MamaCas Says:

    Amen. My large family used to do that “grab a name out of a hat and buy a gift” thing every year. And quite frankly, even if I did have money falling out of my behind, who the HELL wants to shop for 35 separate Christmas gifts?!

  22. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:03 pm Anna Says:

    I’m too busy laughing to think of a bad gift. I immediately reposted, wiht a little linky loo back to you. Thanks for the laugh.

  23. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:09 pm Tweets that mention Silent But Deadly Is The Quickest Way To My Heart | Mommy Wants Vodka -- Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky, Melissa W.. Melissa W. said: thx for the laugh 😀 (to the things we think, but NEVER say out loud.) RT @mommywantsvodka: Grounds for separation: […]

  24. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:11 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    DH brought me back a hideous bracelet from Cabo San Lucas. I really have no idea why I wear it.

  25. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:11 pm Laurie Bites Says:

    Not my story actually but I happened to witness my sister open her Christmas presents from her then hubsand. She got an extra long extention cord and a toaster. She looked like she wanted to cry while I tried not to laugh. The extention cord went out to the barn that same night. The following year? A cheap vaccum cleaner.

    After that he made it a life long habit to get her cheap mugs, horribly tacky poem wall plaques, and even cheaper stuffed animals. Annually. Even to this day, years after they have divorced. She is the mother of his children, after all.

    Is it any wonder that they ended up divorced? I think not!

  26. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:13 pm Rebecca Says:

    No gifts at all….none……*weeping*

  27. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:13 pm Extragrunty Says:

    The boy tends to get me xmas gifts related to keeping me warm. Our first year together, I was given a blanket. Yes it is nice and soft and warm, but still a blanket. The fifth year was a (very)mini heater from the Sharper Image (the store was going out of business). I used it that year, but haven’t since. This year it was a set of old fashioned handwarmers from Restoration Hardware. Things cost $15 and I’ve only been able to light them once. There was also the year that he bought me a teapot. The only color they had left was brown. I do still use this…and the blanket.

  28. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:17 pm Sam Says:

    My husband brought me a ton of awesome gifts when he was gone on a recent trip. I mean *awesome*. I’m talking the Lelo here people – and it is like the iPod of personal lady toys. Ahem. It’s awesome; HOWEVER, he seemed to think that these awesome gifts were somehow related to our upcoming anniversar (weeks away at the time). Then, he got me NOTHING. No card (he couldn’t leave work allegedly) and no gift. It’s not the same – NOT THE SAME. But since I have Lelo, I forgave him. Magnanimously.

  29. On May 21st, 2010 at 10:15 am Susan Says:

    Leave it to the Swedes to engineer the coolest vibes ever. Which Lelo model did you get?

    Check out the beauty:

  30. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:19 pm karen Says:

    When we lived above the night market in Kowloon (Hong Kong) my husband, on his way home from work, bought me two pair of POLYESTER socks, GREY, for MEN. I believe he then proceeded to take me to JACK IN THE BOX for dinner. That was the year I GOT a birthday present. sigh.

    My mother-in-law buys me size XL clothes when she’s pissed with me and, when I am in her good books, buys me petites. No receipts. I am, and (pregnancies aside) always have been a medium.

    For his birthday, I am going to try this Dutch Oven thing. I’ll have to feed him right, the night before. I almost fell off my chair, laughing!

  31. On May 20th, 2010 at 1:21 pm Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Thank you for this post – it obviously fills a very, very important void in today’s blogosphere. The void of true love & fart stories.

    It’s important work you’re doing.

    We’re all very grateful.

  32. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:27 pm Txtingmrdarcy Says:

    A homemade teddy bear. With psycho eyes. It was stuffed in my closet and only came out when he visited.

    THAT? Is a dealbreaker. When we broke up, Psycho Eyes Teddy took a few trips down the stairs.

  33. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:39 pm Susan Says:

    My EX-husband went on a boys-only golf trip to Myrtle Beach a moon ago. When he got home he was beyond giddy to give me my surprise. (I always demanded treats even if he was going to Omaha on business.) Well… he gave me this tacky t-shirt from some titty bar that was *already broken the fuck in* — if you catch my drift. It even stunk of stripper skank. He begged me to try it on. I’m pretty sure my response was, “Fuck no!” He probably still has that scuzzy thing and his favorite “Rick Springfield Karma 2000” tour tee.

  34. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:45 pm eringirl Says:

    My grandmother likes catalogues. Three years ago she asked us to send her a picture. So my husband and I jokingly sent her a fairly hideous picture of us in matching t-shirts. She had it put on a blanket. Our faces are approximately 4x actual size. I gave the blanket to my dog so we would always be with her.

    This year my grandma told me I was going to cry when I opened my gift. It is a picture of the feet of two random people on a beach with “erin loves brandon” written in the sand. The feet look like hobbit feet and i am not really a write love notes in the sand sort of person. So I pretty much had to stifle my laughter as she watched me open it. I tried to fake the tears she expected, but instead I think I snorted from hilarity.

  35. On May 20th, 2010 at 12:46 pm S Says:

    the year I had my third, I (I should mention here that I live in Florida, and was at the time 36 years old. That’s THIRTY-SIX. years. old. The mother of a teenager, a toddler and an infant) received from my step-mother in law a wool v-neck sweater in size EXTRA-SMALL and a pair of extra low rise jersey leisure drawstring pants- with writing on the ass- I think it might have said “Hollister”? in You guessed it- size extra small. Had I been able to pull them over one thigh, the waist wouldn’t have come up over my c section scar.

    And no. I’m not one of those women that people love to hate, and breastfeeding didn’t suck the weight off.

  36. On May 20th, 2010 at 1:01 pm carissa Says:

    Well you’re lucky that you can get to it first! I had an ex who was constantly silent but deadly-ing me and then trapping me under. Plus I’m pretty sure he enjoyed his own farts. Are you sure it’s not you who is passing the gas? After all, he who smelt it dealt it!

  37. On May 20th, 2010 at 1:10 pm Susan Says:

    My EX-husband went on a boys-only golf trip to Myrtle Beach a moon ago. When he got home he was beyond giddy to give me my surprise. (I always demanded treats even if he was going to, say, Omaha on business.) Well… he gave me this tacky t-shirt from some titty bar that was *already broken the fuck in* — if you catch my drift. It even stunk of stripper skank. He begged me to try it on. I’m pretty sure my response was, “Fuck no!” He probably still has that scuzzy thing along with his favorite “Rick Springfield Karma 2000” tour tee in a pile somewhere.

  38. On May 20th, 2010 at 3:49 pm Susan Says:

    (My apologies for posting twice. Technical difficulties.)

  39. On May 20th, 2010 at 2:20 pm Alexandra Says:

    I don’t want you stealing ideas from my diary anymore and don’t you dare post about the 50 lb bag of Miracle Gro with Extra Seed Protection I got for Mother’s day.

  40. On May 20th, 2010 at 1:23 pm Wicked Shawn Says:

    Worst gift ever, my ex, well, he was kind of a dickhead, hence him being the ex and all, so I didn’t ask him for anything for my birthday because I had been sick and things just weren’t great. A lot of attention had been focused on me and things had been strained between us. So, my mom and the Aunts decide I need a lift so they throw big party, have lots of people, in middle of everyone I open gift from him, it’s a plaque he had engraved “Now that you aren’t dying, you get to do dishes again.” with a picture of this 50’s housewife wearing plastic gloves holding a sparkling plate. A couple of people kind of laughed awkwardly, I just looked over at him and said, “Nah, technically I am just in remission for 5 years, you’re on dish duty for a good long time buddy!” That’s when EVERYONE started to laugh.
    Oh, as for the plaque, I still have no idea who Krazy Glued it to his car??!!! Bizarre shit happens out here in the country……..

  41. On May 20th, 2010 at 1:26 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    My sister in law gave me santa clause salt and pepper shakers for my birthday- in July. Yeah that was good times.

  42. On May 20th, 2010 at 1:26 pm Kelly Says:

    Lately Mea is the one with the stinky butt. I have no idea what is causing her to have such horrible smelling gas, but it’s soooo bad.

    At my baby shower for Mea, my husband’s niece gave me a coupon book from Target, not a gift card, a coupon book. One of the baby ones they send after you register with them. I already had it, and the coupons were expired when she “gave” it to me. Plus a homemade scrapbooked card.

  43. On May 20th, 2010 at 1:28 pm Kelly Says:

    My husband’s niece is two years older then I am, and has a daughter that is 2 1/2 years older then Mea. We bought her a very nice gift for her shower. Never again.

  44. On May 20th, 2010 at 2:35 pm Amy Mayfield Says:

    My husband gets the worst presents. he asks me for lists. I make spreadsheets with pictures attached, where to buy, and any applicable discount codes. He buys everything that is NOT on the list?
    Now? I buy my own presents. He was terribly generous for mother’s day, with him being in Iraq and all. And therefore, I had to fend for myself for breakfast ON MOTHER’S DAY. Since bratchild can’t cook. So my gifts were fabulous to make up for it.

  45. On May 20th, 2010 at 1:54 pm Regina Says:

    I love grandfather clocks(too much Captain Kangaroo when I was young, I think), and one Christmas my husband got me a fake one. You know, looks like a grandfather clock, but the chains don’t move, and the sun/moon thingy doesn’t move; it’s just a box that chimes. Plus, we don’t exactly have room for it. I left it in the living room for a few months, and finally confessed that I couldn’t stand having it taking up needed space. It’s now in the attic, which is a shame, because he probably spent about $300 on it. He meant well, but failed miserably.
    That’s ok- he plays the guitar and the piano, so one b-d I thought it would be neat to get him a banjo. Turns out it is completely different than playing the guitar. Who knew? So I guess we’re even.

  46. On May 20th, 2010 at 2:08 pm Melissa Says:

    Ahh, funny bad gift story though (sorry posting again). My BFF got a gift that we all laughed our asses off for her wedding. When she got back from her honeymoon I of course was waiting on her front steps tapping my foot, and then we all went in and they got around to opening the gifts from the wedding. I shit you not, she was gifted a fake silver platter that said “Happy Anniversary”, it was still in the original box, but whoever gave it (it didnt have a card) decided that it didnt matter that the box had like an INCH of dust on it, and it was dented.

    For 10 years after, someone wound up with that platter for Christmas. It would still be going around if the last person (we cant remember who) didnt decide to keep it. We think that that person may be the original re-gifter, and after a decade of laughing and inwardly cringing when we made fun of her and not knowing, she may have just kept it.

  47. On May 20th, 2010 at 2:14 pm carrie meadows Says:

    My husband only buys me things I have already requested, so there’s no element of surprise. But, at least I like the gifts. His mother, on the other hand… Once gave me a hand-painted leather Aztec wallet-purse. Like I come from a turquoise-mining-reservation town.

  48. On May 20th, 2010 at 2:58 pm Jennifer Says:

    For Mother’s day this year…. I got to sit at home with a puking parasite while he and his friend (my best friend’s man) went shopping (for four hours).

    I was all excited… I mean being gone four hours, it must be an awesome gift. The kind that can make you forgive waiting until the day of to go shopping, not hiding that fact and leaving me at home with the kid while you go right???

    A garden shovel, a garden rake and a pair of gloves. The flowers in the beds at my house were there when we moved in and are only still alive because we moved in this past February.

  49. On May 20th, 2010 at 3:00 pm Susan Petersen Says:

    not having a husband is the gift that keeps on giving:)

  50. On May 20th, 2010 at 3:52 pm Susan Says:

    Right on.

  51. On May 20th, 2010 at 3:05 pm Ashley, the Accidental Olympian Says:

    Oh that’s easy. My family were special and we ALL got horrible gifts from my grandmother one year.

    DAD: A half used bottle of my grandfather’s cologne.
    MOM: A used/worn/NO tag shirt of my grandmothers.
    SISTER: One of those event posters at a local museum for a two week opening of a snake exhibit from TWO YEARS AGO.
    ME: A giant, marble, head.

    Shit. You. Not.

  52. On May 20th, 2010 at 4:14 pm Ashley Says:

    That is the funniest thing I have ever seen!

  53. On May 20th, 2010 at 3:45 pm Jenn Says:

    I’m one of those people who really doesn’t like to get presents. Not because I don’t like “stuff” but because I reeeeeally hate people watching me expectantly while I open them. I am not an enthusiastic person and people ALWAYS think that I hate something when that is rarely the case.

    I cannot really ever remember getting a gift that was horrible. A guy bought me flowers once and that was probably the worst gift ever (to me). Not because flowers are awful but because it meant he obviously didn’t know me. I hate flowers unless they are growing outside (or presented by small children).

  54. On May 20th, 2010 at 9:19 pm Clair Says:

    I, too, hate people watching me open gifts. For many years I’d stack my gifts at Christmas gatherings hoping to sneak away and open them later. Until I realized that this just meant I had to open them all, one by one, OBVIOUSLY in front of people.

  55. On May 20th, 2010 at 3:52 pm MommyLisa Says:

    Okay – what is a marriage without being able to gross each other out with gas?? Am I uncouth? That is why I married that dude!

  56. On May 20th, 2010 at 5:23 pm Alexandra Says:

    Please stop over! I have a VERY special award up for you!

  57. On May 20th, 2010 at 5:40 pm Chibi Jeebs Says:

    Chebbar likes to casually lift the blankets or move his leg back and forth so the odor wafts s l o w l y up to attack. Fucker.

    My worst gift was probably a child’s size 8 nightgown with a cartoon rabbit on the front. I was 18.

  58. On May 21st, 2010 at 10:04 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s just creeeeeepy.

  59. On May 20th, 2010 at 5:04 pm Hockeymandad Says:

    Since I’m your new BIL, I guess I can call myself Uncle now huh?

    I get bad gifts every year. Think clearance rack and shelves and that’s usually what I find. Gum, ugly shirts, weird books, etc…

  60. On May 20th, 2010 at 5:52 pm Amanda Says:

    The ex-douche nugget I dated once bought me some hiking boots he had been drooling over for months. And wouldn’t-cha guess but they were too damn big for me, but boy did they fit him well. Asshole.

    (PS I think dutch ovens are full of the awesome…my boyfriend doesnt think the same :()

  61. On May 21st, 2010 at 10:03 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    He bought you…BOOTS? FOR HIM? ZOMG. You win.

  62. On May 21st, 2010 at 11:45 am Amanda Says:

    bahahah i know right! this also went along with the puppy he was dying to get but got me for our anniversary, and the earrings for my college graduation that strangely enough looked like ones I helped his sister pick out 2 years prior for her mom. good catch no?

  63. On May 20th, 2010 at 6:05 pm Jess Says:

    My grandmother volunteered at the thrift shop in my (very small, very rural) hometown. I can remember one Christmas where I, a little girl of perhaps 7, got a cap from the thrift shop. And by cap I mean a plaid old man’s driving hat. I think that was the year before my cousin’s and I all got cheap plastic flashlights in varying hues of neon ugliness. I think I might still have mine somewhere….

    The other worst present I got was only a few years ago. My ex-girlfriend proposed to me on Christmas complete with an engagement ring. Three weeks later she came home from work and told me “I don’t want this anymore.” Um, you couldn’t have thought of that before you gave me the ring? We tried to work it out and four months later she gave me the ring back on my birthday complete with an “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Yeah, that didn’t exactly work out so well. Thanks for ruining two holidays for me.

  64. On May 21st, 2010 at 10:02 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    OUCH. That’s BEYOND brutal. Like BEYOND.

  65. On May 20th, 2010 at 6:06 pm Jess Says:

    Oh! And also the ring giving ex-girlfriend was way fond of the dutch oven. Me? Not so much.

  66. On May 20th, 2010 at 7:44 pm Becca Says:

    Ok, so I don’t get really crappy gifts… But C has some real winners in her family! So, I went straight to the expert. The worst gift she ever got was a cheap goldfoil Mark McGuire baseball card. For the record, C collects football cards and she didn’t even know who McGuire was!

  67. On May 21st, 2010 at 10:00 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha! That’s AWFUL.

  68. On May 20th, 2010 at 7:55 pm gaylin Says:

    Turned 50 last year, what does my sister get me . . . she goes into her dining room, picks up a pair of second hand salt and pepper shakers, puts them in a christmas box with christmas paper and was so excited to give them to me.
    I threw them out.

  69. On May 21st, 2010 at 10:00 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Holy. SHIT. That’s. Um. Wow.

  70. On May 21st, 2010 at 11:54 am gaylin Says:

    The previous Christmas she had gotten me a nylon shopping basket . . . Do I look like Little Red Riding Hood with my basket o’ yummy goodness.
    I have since told her I will no longer accept presents from her.
    And this is the sister I am close to! The other sister got me nothing when I turned 50, didn’t even bother to mail a card.
    And my family thinks we are a close knit group.
    They make me tired.

  71. On May 20th, 2010 at 7:55 pm Holli Says:

    A chicken. A LIVE chicken.

    No I am not kidding.

  72. On May 20th, 2010 at 7:56 pm Holli Says:

    I should also add that I still have said chicken and her name is Love Bird, because my husband got her for me because he loves me so much.

    Stay back ladies, he’s all mine.

  73. On May 21st, 2010 at 10:00 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think I might love a chicken, but that’s a pretty hilarious gift. I’d KILL Dave if he bought me one.

  74. On May 21st, 2010 at 10:47 am Holli Says:

    The best part was that he was so proud of himself. He didn’t tell me, he just brought it home and waited until I noticed.

    To be fair I should tell you it was a day old chick, and I saw it the day before and thought it was cute and wanted to take it home.

    I can not believe how nerdy I sound writing this. I so need to get a life.

  75. On May 21st, 2010 at 11:21 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Um, I frequently want barn animals for my own, so you don’t sound nerdly at all. You sound cute. I WANT A CHICKEN.

  76. On May 21st, 2010 at 11:56 am gaylin Says:

    I am very careful now what I say I like in front of people – saves a lot of surprise presents.
    Oh you shouldn’t have, really.

  77. On May 20th, 2010 at 10:12 pm linlah Says:

    For Christmas one year one bath towel not even close to the colors already in there and some dish towels. I married a thinker.

  78. On May 21st, 2010 at 12:56 am Natalie Says:

    The worst gift-giver is definitely one of my uncles. One year he got me crystal candle-holders. Which would have been very nice, had I been 25, married, with a house. I was, oh, 7 or 8. It was a big “WTF?” moment. Then one year when I was a teenager he got me a really cheap set of neon-colored plastic bowls. My mom got a set of plastic-handled cutlery. It became a yearly joke…. WTF is uncle going to get people this year. It was almost always some very random, cheap gift (and the dude is practically a millionaire). So bizarre.

  79. On May 21st, 2010 at 9:59 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    My uncle does the SAME THING! It’s a running joke with him! Like, “what’s he going to get us THIS year?” One time, he gave my brother a DISCO BALL. I’m STILL jealous, actually, because I would kill for one.

  80. On May 21st, 2010 at 3:26 am Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo Says:

    a plastic sheep on wheels from my brother

    a broken down car from my mother who then ‘borrowed’ it and sold it to her friend and pocketed the cash

    a necklace made of crushed glass with pewter olives on it from my husband.

    I motherfucking WIN!

  81. On May 21st, 2010 at 9:57 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You BEYOND win. I want a picture of this necklace.

  82. On May 21st, 2010 at 7:10 am Dot Says:

    My worst gift was a rather complicated knife sharpener involving a block of wood and two ceramic sticks. Guess who was the chef? Hint – it wasn’t me.

  83. On May 21st, 2010 at 7:26 am nanne Says:

    one year (the year AFTER he forgot my birthday…which, btw, is sometimes on a national holiday-give Thanks for me- making it a little hard to forget) my husband gave me workout clothes…which would have been ok…

    except that they were kind of men’s wear looking and a size X-LARGE…now, even if i was an extra large (and i’m not even close) what person in their right mind would rub it in?? his explaination…”well, i thought we could share them…”

    he’s on permaban from gift giving…

  84. On May 21st, 2010 at 9:26 am Jennifer June Says:

    I’m one of those lucky ladies who received a vacuum cleaner for her first Mother’s Day …. from my EX.

  85. On May 21st, 2010 at 9:39 am Shin Ae Says:

    Hahaha! I don’t know, but I think I just found my new go-to wedding gift.

  86. On May 21st, 2010 at 11:54 am Katie Says:

    My hubby was a bit of a slow learner when it came to gift giving. My 1st Mother’s Day, while pregnant with our 1st child and mothering my three step children full time, I received? Nothing. Not even a freakin’ card! I was all sorts of pissed. He quickly learned that Mother’s Day is important.

    However, the very best gift he ever gave me was on our 2nd Valentine’s day together. He was working an overnight shift so he came in at 10 a.m., had my stepson help him wrap something, then graciously presented me with a large box. I ripped open the wrapping, only to find glasses. KITCHEN GLASSES. Yep. For Valentine’s Day. His bewildered explaination to my. . . um, dismay, was, “I was walking through Meijer trying to figure out what to get you. I just kept walking and walking and suddenly I remembered you said we needed new glasses.” ?!?!?!?!?!? The explaination actually made it worse! I was all, “Well, then, by all means, give ME glasses WE need as a FAMILY for Valentine’s day!!” To top it off, not only were they fugly but one came pre-broken.

    He paid for that mistake for two years, literally, because I went out and bought myself a gym membership. That I never used. Mwahahahahaha!

    I have since realized that Valentine’s Day is really a stupid holiday anyway, that we no longer celebrate. He really is a great guy, we just both needed a little holiday training.

  87. On May 21st, 2010 at 1:50 pm mumma boo Says:

    I lucked out – hubby is actually a decent gift-giver. His family, on the other hand, could use some help. The phrases “They mean well” and “It’s the thought that counts” go into heavy rotation during the holidays and birthday time.

  88. On May 21st, 2010 at 3:58 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I like the phrase, “This is going straight to charity.”

  89. On May 22nd, 2010 at 11:19 am mumma boo Says:

    Also good is, “I wonder if she’ll notice when I put this in a gift basket to her next year?”

  90. On May 21st, 2010 at 2:13 pm Carissa Says:

    My husband is decent at gift-giving. HOWEVER. My parents? Have devolved into an annual running joke with their Christmas fiascoes.

    Keep in mind, I’m an only child. There’s really only me (and now the husband) for them to worry about. When I was a kid? Christmas ROCKED. Gifts, stocking stuffed with goodness, everything a spoiled only child could want.

    Three years ago, I got silverware. Like, a $50 set of four place settings of everyday silverware – because I’d mentioned the set they got themselves wasn’t as hideous as their previous set. That is all. After that, we started doing annual Amazon wish lists . . . .

    Two years ago, my father called me to discuss in excruciating detail the stereo receiver my husband had put on his wish list. He had found one “almost just like it” for a lot cheaper. We discuss the stereo for an hour, and at the end of the convo, dad mentions that this gift will be “for the two of us.” Niiiiiiiice. To be fair, they did also buy me a rain jacket – not the one on my wish list, but one “almost just like it.” Yeeeeahhh, notsomuch. I returned (and paid return shipping on) it because my mother-in-law got me the one I actually wanted. (Side note – the stereo died within 6 months, spent another 8 months in the repair shop, and caused us non-stop grief.)

    Last year, they really went for the win. My husband got a lovely stack of stuff from his wish list. Me? I got a book (not on my list) and an iPod Touch (not on my list) (I already have an iPhone). I gave it sort of a funny look, and dad’s all “I knew it!! Amazon shipped me the wrong thing!!” Nope, turns out they just somehow randomly ordered stuff off what I can only assume was a complete stranger’s list . . . because, you know, they can’t be expected to remember how to spell their only child’s name . . . which, uh, I think they gave me in the first place. So not only did *I* get sort of nothing for Christmas, some other poor sap is probably still out there trying to figure out WTF happened to the iPod Touch that he *thought* he was getting for Christmas . . . .

    Next year, we’re not even going to my parents’ for Christmas.

  91. On May 22nd, 2010 at 8:04 pm Emily R Says:

    OMG, I would LOVE to have that thing. Because I am not strong enough to Dutch Oven my husband.
    This week, he forgot our anniversary. Which is OK, because he was in Europe, anyway.

  92. On May 25th, 2010 at 8:34 am TeDiouS Says:

    I want to know why a marriage-saving blanket comes in twin-size.

  93. On May 27th, 2010 at 1:47 pm Erica Says:

    The worst gift I got was probably from an ex. We’d been together for 2 years. I bought him a really cool print and had it custom matted and framed. He gave me pajamas. Not sexy stuff either. Just a plain old cotton shirt and shorts. Nice. And I had to open it in front of his mom. Awkward. There were several reasons why that didn’t work out…

  94. On June 1st, 2010 at 10:56 am Kendra Says:

    I can’t believe the Better Marriage Blanket is not available in stores! How are all the Target buyers not all lined up?

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