Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Signed, Sealed And Delivered.


My obsession started innocently enough, with Christmas Cards. Being 21 during the first Christmas my son was alive, I had never even CONSIDERED writing Christmas Cards each year. I mean, what the hell did I have to say to anyone before then? I lived at home, was going to school, and partied like it was 1999, but somehow I don’t imagine those sentiments would translate well into holiday cheer:

(Dear Aunt Mary,

Wanted to let you know that the bong I made out of a Water Joe bottle was completely awesome! I decorated it with glitter and garland, so it was SUPER CHRISTMAS-Y! Because you know, there ain’t no party like a West Coast Party, DUUUUDDEE!

Love + Rockets, Man,

But once Ben was born, and I got the first in many ridiculous holiday portraits taken (we did those yet again last weekend! Man, oh MAN is that exhausting. I need to do them in like March, when the photo place is not filled to the brim with other tantruming, but nattily dressed children and their bedgraggled parents), and I realized that many people would, in fact, enjoy seeing my infant son in a Santa costume. I knew that I would (plus, the Humilation Factor is high here, which brings me no end of joy. If I still pee my pants when I sneeze, I can humilate my children when they are small, right?).

So I set out to find Christmas Cards, which is no easy feat for me. Despite the prohibative cost, I refuse to do the econo Box ‘o’ 200 from Walgreens, because they are printed on what I believe to be wax paper, their corny sentiment misspelled (I shit you not. On the first year I was married, I sent cards to all of Dave’s extended family, for which I purchased the ultra-religious (and cheap!) tacky cards. The message inside was misspelled, which made me giggle).

I am exceptionally picky when it comes to (most, really) these sort of things. Although I may like something that can be described as sparkly and colorful with some doodads thrown in here and there, I MEAN THIS SPECIFICALLY. You could never go out and TRY to do this for me (which is what makes me a total pain in the ass to buy for), because you’d be guarenteed to fail (even after spending an insane amount of time trying to find the perfect card). Honestly, the only person I know off the top of my head would could ACTUALLY be called upon to pick something out for me would be my best friend, Ashley (which is not to imply that we have the same type of taste. I am delightfully tacky yet unrefined, but she is not). She gets me.

Being the forward thinker that I am (really, I am just a complete sucker for a bargin You say “half off,” I say “lemmie at ’em,” even if it is as exciting as socks), last year I picked up a couple of boxes of cards for half price from World Market. But apparently, I am not forward thinking ENOUGH, as it became extremely clear that I hadn’t purchased enough. So, in order to distract myself yesterday, I dragged my sister-in-law to Target to pick up some additional Christmas Card-y Goodness.

What’s interesting to note, which also makes me sound like a freak is that I have gradients of awesomeness when it comes to Christmas Card appraisal:

I have the people that get what I call Goes To 11! (the people who might care that their card has been excruciatingly chosen and say “That was a great card”), the people who get the Just Awesome ones (the card is cool, but not the Coolest, sent to the people who MIGHT care if they have a nice card) and the people who get the Meh Cards (I don’t hate these cards or anything, they don’t have any pictures of the baby Jesus on it or anything, but they are not the best cards I have. These are mainly reserved for family who don’t send me cards at all, or if they do, it’s completely clear no thought went into choosing the cards. These people shop the dollar bins and buy their cards in massive bulk, caring more about the cost of cards than the actual Awesomeness factor.).

My friends all get the Super Awesome cards, whether or not they send me a damn thing, mostly because I assume that they will care the most (this is a false belief, I’m sure). My family gets the Awesome-Meh gradient depending on where I believe their level of Cares About Quailty lies (I just can’t spend $2.00 on a card for someone who won’t care a bit about it, and possibly question why the hell I send cards at all).

(If I had it my way, I’d buy everyone THESE cards, which I consider to be the Pinacle of Awesome. I’m not feeling quite plucky enough this year to do this, but I may do it next year. There is very little in the world I love as much as swearing, but it seems a bit un-Christmas-y)

I was trying to (badly) explain myself to my sister-in-law, who ALSO loves cards (actually more than I do), and she looked at me as though my neck had sprouted a second head that had begun to sing to her in Pig-Latin. So great was the divide here that I actually STOPPED TALKING about it (which never, ever, ever happens) and left the conversation hanging mid-sentence (oh LOOKIT, a BLUE CAR!).

This left a bad taste in my mouth, as I figured that she of all people would understand (Dave couldn’t care less. I’m not even sure that if hard pressed, he’d have any idea if I actually sent Christmas Cards at all.) my neurosis. Since she does not, I’m turning to you, Dear Internet, to tell Aunt Becky how nuts she is about her Christmas Card Gradient (or anything really), AND to tell me about the things that YOU do that no one else would understand. Aunt Becky, she probably understands, you know.

11 Comments to

“Signed, Sealed And Delivered.”

  1. On December 11th, 2007 at 2:07 pm Andria Says:


    We just do the shutterfly specials with pics of the kids and usually not very good pics of the kids.

    I did the same thing though. I bought beautiful fancy cards for people I knew and who I knew would either a. one up me or 2. be impressed by my card choosing skillz. The husbands family always got the after Christmas the year before 75 percent off crap that was left at whatever store I could find them. Could be Walgreens.

    Last year I honestly lost the husbands address list (because I would never incorporate THEM with my people) and since he wasn’t interested in finding the list or contacting anyone for info, my list was short but alas, he found the list this year and that pushed my list to almost 75! Too much!

    This comment is too much. I didn’t mean for it to go on so long. I am just catching up on my blogs after NaBlopomo, just really wanted to let you know that I was here.

  2. On December 11th, 2007 at 5:11 pm janet Says:

    I, too, have the meh – Awesomely awesome gradient. To the point where Jeremy and I spread out 4 boxes of cards, and spent twenty minutes deciding who to send what. I got one box just for you 🙂

  3. On December 11th, 2007 at 5:16 pm Leslee Says:

    I’ve sent cards once. Only once. I assume it’s due to me being full of the awesome, but I’m kinda leaning that it’s more to do with me being full of the lazy. The one time I sent out cards, I sent them about 3 days before Christmas. LOL See? There’s that awesomeness I keep telling you about.

    My cards were not fancy and they didn’t cuss. (I didn’t know that they MADE cards like the ones you linked, so I will be purchasing those bad ass sons of bitches for future use) They were Santa crapping down the chimney. Heh. My family seemed to be expecting something like that, though, which completely took the fun out of it. Bastards.

  4. On December 11th, 2007 at 6:12 pm Kristine Says:

    Tiffany at Electric Boogaloo had some awesome cards, now with more cussing! Alas, she is out of them. Anyway, I can not send those kinds of cards to my husband’s family. So we stick with the posed picture of the dogs and the baby and get them printed at Walmart.

  5. On December 11th, 2007 at 6:29 pm Kristin Says:

    I always have grand intentions of sending cards to my friends and family – but I never do it. I have a feeling that I, too, would obsess.

  6. On December 11th, 2007 at 7:40 pm becky Says:


    Janet, I am very, very frightened. Very frightened. And thrilled.

  7. On December 12th, 2007 at 10:35 am Cara Says:

    I, too, have three different boxes of cards. But since I don’t send them to 200 people, they are all Extra Awesome.

    I do spend quite some time matching friends to cards, though.

  8. On December 12th, 2007 at 11:01 am Gail Says:

    I have many boxes of cards, from the religious through the non-religious. Wait, gotta run to a meeting, I’ll finish this thought later…

  9. On December 12th, 2007 at 11:07 am Gail Says:

    Ok, so my meeting just got pushed back 15 min.

    Anyway, we have a rule that we only send recycled cards and use recycled wrapping paper. Both of these items are RIDICULOUSLY difficult to find, so whenever I do find them, I stock up.

    As a result, I tend to have boxes of cards that get kept from year to year, and so I have to try really hard to be sure that friends don’t get the same card two years in a row. (Right, because they’d almost remember, right?)

    But this year, I was cleaning out a drawer and found the motherlode. I carefully put away these cards about 2 years ago, after I bought them on a trip to San Diego. I just found them. 6 BOXES OF CHRISTMAS CARDS WITH MONKEYS ON THEM. I am so excited, I could almost pee my pants over the joy I am getting from the idea of sending Christmas cards with cavorting Christmas monkeys.

    Now, if I could just find the time to write them…

  10. On December 12th, 2007 at 12:41 pm Gail Says:

    Becky, I ordered way more pictures of the kids than I need to put in the Christmas cards. If you want, I’ll mail you a stack, and you can put pictures of my kids in your cards. They’re not that different in age. Just a little different in skin color… 🙂

  11. On December 12th, 2007 at 12:00 pm becky Says:

    I am similarly stuck, Gail. I have the time to write them, but have run out of the ickle pictures of my kidlets that I have been putting in them. I should just drag my sorry butt out to the store and make more copies of the pictures, but I don’t really feel like it.

    Monkey, though, THAT is cool.

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