Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Shopping The Friendly Skies Or Why Skymall is My BFF.


If there’s one thing awesome about being crammed in a metal tube, hurtling through time and space with a bunch of mouth-breathing strangers, it’s this: SkyMall. Here’s what I’ll be buying myself for Christmas, or Abraham Lincoln’s birthday, or whatever holiday comes next.


Who WOULDN’T want an attic lady popping randomly into your attic? CRAZY PEOPLE, THAT’S WHO. Rather than wait for the bitchy old lady who owned my house to come over and demand money again, I’m going to buy myself a lady! Who can pop in and out of my house! She’s an instant party – or instant sea hag – for sure.


So what if the pool I have is 8 feet by 8 feet with a depth of three inches? No, seriously, SO WHAT?

I want a musical light show while I soak in my wee pool. Hell, EVERYONE will want to come over for a pool party then! Won’t they be surprised when my “pool” is really a “puddle.” A puddle with motherfucking music and LIGHTS.

I can hear the clamoring of my neighbors already.


I genuinely do not know how I do not own this yet. No, I mean it, I need this AND a pack of Old Milwaukee. Because while he SAYS he’s from Texas, I’m in Chicago, and there’s nothing trashier than things from Milwaukee. Like their shit-ass beer.

I require this above all else. He will go in my china cabinet, with my six-pack of Spam with Bacon. And he will reek of style and sophistication.


Originally, I thought this was a singing toilet, which is like a dream come true. I’ve always wanted a toilet that sang for me while I pooed, cheered for me after I flushed, and then did a nice jaunty you-just-peed number (perhaps a nice Gershwin piece or the theme from Sanford and Son) as I exited the bathroom.

I was a little disappointed to learn that no, in fact, this toilet didn’t sing to me. It will, however, prevent me from dunking in the toilet at three AM like an overly-large kicky-haired tea-bag. Which is minorly awesome.

I still want the singing toilet, dammit.

So last time I shopped at SkyMall, I decided the statue of the little boy peeing would be what went above my grave. Along with the gigantic angel statues and weeping out-of-work actors. But I’d never given any thought as to what I wanted BELOW my grave. Besides the towers of flowers.

This, Pranksters, is what I want coming out of my grave.

I can think of no better way to “honor” me than a frightening zombie with a little boy peeing on it.

And oh holy fuck, do you need to see this video. There are no words. Only awesome (it’s totally safe for work):

37 Comments to

“Shopping The Friendly Skies Or Why Skymall is My BFF.”

  1. On August 9th, 2011 at 11:28 am Sunday Says:

    If I had something that automatically closed the toilet lid…I am sure I would just end up peeing all over it in the middle of the night!

  2. On August 9th, 2011 at 11:40 am Pete In Az Says:

    Labor Day is the next holiday. Or, the Perseid meteor shower August 11-12 (it’s kind of spread out), depending on your kink.

  3. On August 9th, 2011 at 12:04 pm AngieM. Says:

    nothing says “don’t step foot in my motherfuckin’ yard” like the bogfoot tree yeti.

  4. On August 9th, 2011 at 5:46 pm AngieM. Says:

    also—– BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA at ‘skymall kitties, skymall kitties…kitties everywhere!’

  5. On August 9th, 2011 at 1:02 pm CycleNinja Says:

    I just flew to New York today, and couldn’t resist the compulsion to check out that bird cage liner. I’d like to have whatever it costs them to print those catalogs for a year.

  6. On August 9th, 2011 at 1:53 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    I want a toilet that sings to me too! I am saddened that one does not exist yet, let’s create one you and me. We’ll be billionaires, and then we can go rub it in Zuckerbergs face.

    And I will be singing that Sky Mall Kitties Song as I don’t sleep now, and JUST as I start to fall asleep I will be SKY MALL KITTIES, KITTIES EVERYWHERE, and wake my husband to do a rousing rendition of it with me. Man I need to get out of m black shit hole of depression and come visit my BFF Aunt Becky more often this post made my day. Not only did it give me great ideas, I now have MORE ways to torture my husband, that is only full of the win!

  7. On August 9th, 2011 at 7:57 pm Coleen Says:

    They make potty training toilets that sing, like this Fisher Price one:

    Now, if as an adult, have a tiny enough butt to use the kid one, good luck to you. Also, eat a sandwich, because I think you probably need some carbs.

    What would a grown up potty say? Could it play “Whoomp, There It Is”? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

  8. On August 9th, 2011 at 3:00 pm Lizzie Says:

    it’s all just awesome! i want that ZOMBIE!!!

  9. On August 9th, 2011 at 7:24 pm Melissa Says:

    I want the zombie too! To put in my Mothers garden of course, just to scare the shit out of her. I need my inheritance already dammit!

  10. On August 9th, 2011 at 3:20 pm Jolie Says:

    I’d be afraid the toilet lid would shut while I was sitting there. Explain that 911 call. “Yeah, I’m sitting on the toilet, doing what ya do, and the dang lid shuts down on me like a clamp. Can you bring the jaws of life?!”

  11. On August 9th, 2011 at 4:42 pm Amber LaShell Says:

    So the toilet closes 15 seconds after you walk away? What if a man steps back to pee (like he has a large penis) and the thing closes while he is in the middle of peeing? That would be some gross shit to clean up!

    Also, I would so come and visit your grave everyday, just to see that zombie sticking out of it…

    AmberLaShell Rants

  12. On August 9th, 2011 at 5:06 pm Metta (the letter m) Says:

    I wish we got Skymall here, I definitely need a whole bunch of emerging zombie statues.
    You could make it look like the front lawn of the local government, or police station, or school (or whoever deserves it most) had buried lots of bodies and now the dead are rising to seek revenge…

  13. On August 9th, 2011 at 7:25 pm Melissa Says:

    Sky Mall is limited to the sky.

  14. On August 9th, 2011 at 6:03 pm Jacinta Says:

    Okay, that video was the BEST THING EVER because as a child I would always cut out the pictures of dogs and cats and make collages out of them.

    BUT BUT BUT this one even has a beautiful song, and I never came up with one of those.
    Video creator, wherever you are, I applaud you.

  15. On August 9th, 2011 at 7:07 pm KaraB Says:

    OMG that video totally made my day!! “Incarcerate your kitties and take them on a walk” I’ve been laughing about it for the past ten minutes here at work. Everyone thinks I’m insane now!

  16. On August 9th, 2011 at 8:11 pm katrina Says:

    OH shit. really…… I was singing…” INCINERATE your kitties and take them for a walk….”

  17. On August 9th, 2011 at 7:47 pm Sooz Says:

    I can’t wait to sing “Sky Mall Kitties” over and over and over again so it will be stuck in everybody’s head that I know.

  18. On August 10th, 2011 at 1:05 am Rebecca Says:

    You CAN buy a singing toilet…however, you have to provide your own music… but does that simply make it more versatile? Hmmm…

    I so want a zombie to crawl from my grave…with the statue of the kid peeing on it. Great idea AB!

    And that’s an awesome video…incarcerating your kitties to take them for a walk should be far simpler than putting the on a leash, as I’ve known people to do.

  19. On August 10th, 2011 at 1:08 am Rebecca Says:

    Oooh, and here’s another one…heated and all. Dream come true? Quite possibly.

  20. On August 10th, 2011 at 1:08 am Rebecca Says:

  21. On August 10th, 2011 at 6:55 am Jamie Says:

    I have GOT to have that Zombie coming out of my grave!!! I’d always planned on being cremated, but I will overcome my claustrophobia and sensation that the graves are taking over and go six feet under just to terrorize and amuse the Dearly Beloved left behind.

    The *problem* is; is that I will be dead. and I cannot think of one, not one! of my friends and family who would actually take the lead and ensure that this happens for me.

  22. On August 10th, 2011 at 8:53 am Marta Says:

    I need you to update your will RIGHT NOW to include the fact that you must have that zombie coming out of your gravestone. I can think of nothing more awesome. You will be a legend. People from all around the Chicagoland area (which include DeKalb because those people apparently think they’re “from Chicago”) just to see your zombie gravesite.

    Also, most things from Milwaukee are shitty its not limited to their beer.

    Hope you don’t have any commentators from Milwaukee or DeKalb that I just offended!

  23. On August 10th, 2011 at 9:34 am seekingelevation Says:

    On our (long-as-fuck) flight from Florida to Hong Kong, my daughter and I entertained ourselves by looking through SkyMall to see who could point out dogs the fastest–there are so many freaking dogs in the SkyMall magazine. She got to the zombie coming out of the earth and was all, “Mommy? Why’s that man sad? Why’s he live in the ground?” She’s two. I want to beat the SkyMall people now.

  24. On August 10th, 2011 at 10:04 am Kelly Says:

    I’m thinking that my sister and brother in law need the zombie for their front garden. It just somehow seems appropriate for them.

  25. On August 10th, 2011 at 10:59 am Tom Says:

    Damn you, Aunt Becky! That song is a bigger ear-worm than Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”! I’ll be singing it to myself all day long. I love you.

  26. On August 12th, 2011 at 9:21 pm Nicole Says:

    Dammit, now I have “Single Ladies” in my head! THANKS, TOM!

  27. On August 10th, 2011 at 11:51 am Steve Rice Says:

    holy shit! You weren’t kidding. That vid is ROFLMAO funny. See? That’s what I love about my Aunt Becky…always under-promising and over delivering.

  28. On August 10th, 2011 at 1:10 pm blaugra Says:

    Holy shit. LOLing. I was hoping you would also select the Yeti-hiding-behind-a-tree.

  29. On August 10th, 2011 at 2:37 pm Paula Says:

    My husband and I have this chunk of land between our half circle driveway and the street that we call “the island” we’re pretty bad at landscaping so it’s just a pile of mulch with a few trees. A zombie coming out out the mulch pile on our island is now the only thing that my heart desires!

  30. On August 10th, 2011 at 4:57 pm Lisa Says:

    My birthday is (my) next holiday — August 31st. You should totally celebrate by getting that for yourself.

    Also, my husband totally wants the zombie. He was so excited when I showed it to him. Is it wrong I’m actually considering buying it as a birthday gift for him?!

  31. On August 10th, 2011 at 5:35 pm paige furr Says:

    Oh. My. God! That video is so friggin funny! I just almost peed my pants! Thanks Aunt Becky! I needed that!

  32. On August 10th, 2011 at 9:19 pm John Says:

    The fact that you don’t already own the armadillo beverage holder is really rocking my universe. Seriously.

  33. On August 11th, 2011 at 9:22 am Tasty Says:

    That is the most awesome video. EVER. It made my whole day. I will be singing it all day. Kitties in the Air. hahahahaha. Thank you for this.

  34. On August 11th, 2011 at 9:00 pm caroline Says:

    Here’s a singing toilet just for you:

    The japanese make the best stuff ever!

  35. On August 14th, 2011 at 11:24 am Amy Says:

    Sky Mall is a f-ing inflight infomercial. And yet, I manage to find a need for everything in there. And I don’t even have a cat.

  36. On August 30th, 2011 at 7:20 am Mel Says:

    Say what you will, but that mostly-life-sized garden Yeti?

    That fucker’s mine.

  37. On August 31st, 2011 at 4:09 pm JokerSATX Says:

    I love Sky Mall…I can’t afford Sky Mall…but when I can, I will make sure to buy one of everything.

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