Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

She’ll Cut A Bitch For Some Hello Kitty


Thank you to everyone who voted for me yesterday. I feel like a douchebag asking – trust me – but this would be so awesome for Band Back Together.


My children follow me around everywhere I go. I think they’re trying to ascertain what it is I’m going to do next, or at least, that’s what I tell myself when all three of them are crammed into my tiny bathroom, clamoring like a basket of wriggling puppies to sit on my lap as I pee. Or maybe they’re just trying to annoy me. Because really, who wants to yell, “ALEX GET YER ELBY-BONE OUTTA YER SISTER’S FACE” while peeing?

Not me.

My daughter is especially keen on following me around, yelling at me to do her bidding, because she’s two and that’s what two-year old’s do.

A couple of weeks ago, I’d wandered upstairs to look for a hot dog or get dressed or see if Rod Stewart was in my bedroom yet and, like a sassy puppy, my daughter followed me upstairs. Perhaps she, too, was wondering if Rod, The Bod, was in my bedroom.

I began to do whatever it was I was doing while Amelia spotted – in the corner – a bag. Not just any bag, mind you, a HELLO KITTY BAG. It had various office supplies in it, as I’m SLOWLY moving my office out of the dining room and upstairs (for better privacy to watch my cat videos) and I’d grabbed some things and hastily shoved them in what had been a birthday bag for me.

Mili, seeing the bag, immediately went nuts. Anything Hello Kitty is, by default, now hers, so before I could stop her, she dumped the contents of the bag out onto the floor, proclaiming, “DIS IS MILI’S HELLO KITTY BAG.”

Fair enough, kiddo. Fair enough.

While I had my back turned, the kid began to rifle through my jewelry box – a mixture of costume and fine jewelery – and delicately, she sifted through it. I remember that being one of my favorite things as a child – my mother’s jewelry box, not stealing my own crap – so I let her go through it, figuring she’d claim some of the more garish pieces as her own.


Oh no.

No, my daughter carefully picked out the most expensive bits of jewelry and slowly placed each piece in the Hello Kitty bag. “Mimi’s necklace.” “Mimi’s ring.” “Mimi’s bracelet.”

When she’d thoroughly magpied my collection, she looked at me, smiled impishly, pulled the Hello Kitty bag up onto her shoulder like a purse, and walked happily out of my room and down the stairs. With my diamond collection.

She’s so her mother’s daughter.

23 Comments to

“She’ll Cut A Bitch For Some Hello Kitty”

  1. On August 18th, 2011 at 10:11 am Jana A Says:

    I love my Mimi! <3

  2. On August 18th, 2011 at 10:13 am Ali Says:

    very cute story. reminds me of my own 2 year old daughter. hope you got your bling back. if this were my daughter i would be finding an earring here and earring there for weeks, inside of anything that has an opening.

  3. On August 18th, 2011 at 10:33 am Liz Says:

    Oh boy. Yes, my daughter would have done that too at that age. I don’t have any diamonds, it’s all costume jewelry, but still, some of it I like and she has lots of places to hideit.
    Mimi is the darlingest. How could you deny her anything?

  4. On August 18th, 2011 at 10:46 am Cindy Says:

    So much for making one necklace from all of those assorted diamonds

  5. On August 18th, 2011 at 10:57 am Twisted Domestic Goddess Says:

    haha sounds like my youngest and the whole toilet thing yea….our bathroom is like 4×8 if that and all 4 of them will stand at the doorway trying to talk to me at once while i sit on the pot. Gotta love kids they strip you of any dignity you ONCE had

  6. On August 18th, 2011 at 11:34 am Brooke Says:

    So adorable! And I realized as I was reading it that what’s even more wonderful than her impeccable taste is her words. “Mimi’s nacklace, Mimi’s ring, Mimi’s bracelet.” I just had a flashback to when Mimi didn’t have words, and I just feel so happy to see her quoted in a blog post. Rock on, Mimi!

  7. On August 18th, 2011 at 11:58 am Kristin Says:

    She’s a girl after my own heart.

  8. On August 18th, 2011 at 1:31 pm Kelly Says:

    Mea has gone through my jewelry box too many times. I actually had to steal some of my good stuff back, and put it in my safe deposit box to keep her grimey little mitts off of my jewels. She’ll have to fight for them fair and square with her sister when I’m dead.

  9. On August 18th, 2011 at 1:48 pm Tracie Says:

    ha! She is fabulous!!

  10. On August 18th, 2011 at 7:00 pm Jenn Says:

    If this is posting multiple times, I apologize. I keep getting a “You are posting comments too quickly” message.

    But what I said was: She’s brilliant! I love it!

  11. On August 18th, 2011 at 8:09 pm Brittany Stewart Says:

    That really is the funniest thing I’ve heard read all day. Too adorable!!
    Nice to see she has great taste. If I had any diamonds other than the one on my finger I’d keep them in lockdown out of reach of my two year old.. you are definitely braver than I am.

  12. On August 18th, 2011 at 9:23 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Good to know I’m not the only one ordered around by my 2 year old. Funny, when my 5 yr old does it, I basically tell him where to go, but when my 2 year old princess points a finger and says “lay on the floor mommy, it’s time for teek-a-boo”, I hop to it. Hmph. Thankfully, my princess hasn’t discovered my diamonds…. oh wait, that’s because I don’t have any other than the wedding ring and a nice sapphire ring I wear 24/7. Oh well. Like another poster said, I was tickled to hear/read Mimi’s words. Brought me to a happy place at the end of the day. Thanks!

  13. On August 18th, 2011 at 9:38 pm K A B L O O E Y Says:

    Why is no one mentioning the bleached blonde elephant in the room? Rod Stewart??

  14. On August 18th, 2011 at 11:55 pm katrina Says:

    Ha! Rod the Mod Bod can’t be in your bedroom…….he’s usually in mine. And i have to hide my jewelry from him.

  15. On August 19th, 2011 at 7:10 am Jonah Gibson Says:

    Our daughter did a similar thing when she was 6, except rather than hauling my wife’s diamonds around in a bag, she took them across the street and buried them in the neighbor’s front yard – and not all together either. Each piece went into a separate hole. Thirty years later we still don’t have it all back.

  16. On August 19th, 2011 at 7:26 am Paula @ thewilyweez Says:

    What a sweet little nugget!

  17. On August 19th, 2011 at 8:18 am John Says:

    Your daughter sounds like she’s inherited your badassness. Have fun with that one 🙂

  18. On August 19th, 2011 at 8:47 am Tom Says:

    Cute story! But keep an eye on her. Remember Winona Ryder and Lindsay Lohan? 😉

  19. On August 19th, 2011 at 9:14 am Lanita Says:

    I have one of those, except she is six. Yesterday, I bought a new Dooney and Burke handbag. After giving me a “Shut the front door, Mommy,” she immediately asked if she could have it.

    I don’t thinks so, Princess.

  20. On August 20th, 2011 at 10:59 am Jessica Says:

    It’s like you’ve been watching me and my daughter, so all I can really say is, YES!!! <3

  21. On August 21st, 2011 at 10:30 pm Working Mommy Says:

    I read this once, laughed so hard I almost peed myself…then read it again to my husband who also had a laugh or two. Our Lulu is also two and she does the. exact. same. thing! It is so hysterical how they work at that age!


  22. On August 25th, 2011 at 10:57 am Amanda Says:

    You would think that having two boys would render me unable to relate to this. Sadly, no. Now mind you I don’t have any “valuable” jewelery (with the exception of my engagement ring), but most of my jewelery items have immense sentimental value to me. Of course, my 4 year old son does not know this and he thinks it is awesome to come in my room in the mornings and “ring the bell” (his speak for clanging my necklaces together) , take all my rings and wear them, and take any jewelery that is “shiny” (apparently he is part magpie). Oh and did I mention that most of these items are inside of a box where he can’t see them? He discovered them because he is a very curious child (unfortunately for ME :P)

  23. On August 31st, 2011 at 11:08 pm HeatherS Says:

    Daughters are AWE-SOME. What would we do without them?

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