Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

She Tore It Up And Threw It In My Face, Just For A Laugh


Part I is here.

Also, The Daver was spurned into action by my review and put up Part I of his review of Pacify Me on his oft-neglected blog. Will Part II ever air? Likely no, but hey, what can you do?

And there’s this:

2009 BlogLuxe Awards

My plea to you to help me try and not be spanked so badly out there. They won’t spam you, and all you have to do is enter your email! It’s simple to vote and damn, I know you’re out there, my sweet lurkers. Why don’t you come out of the dark? I won’t bite!

So there we were, sitting there, Pashmina, Matthias, Pashmina’s roommate and I. Newly minted members of The Loyola University Polo club. After a brief moment of congratulating ourselves on an idea well played, the idea was shoved back away to make room for more pressing issues: namely, would my roommate break the Bubble Chair again?

(answer–although the suspense would be grand– Yes. Like me, Vanessa didn’t seem to learn from her mistakes)

The fall pressed on as Matthias searched high and low for stables and horses the rest of us just sort of forgot about the Polo Club. But we were still often in each others’ company.

One mid-winter Friday night, Matthias invited the lot of us to his apartment which felt so grown-up and urban after living in the shoe boxes we referred to as The Maxi Pad (why yes, we did think we were clever!) for wine and pasta. Oh! How Continental we all felt! We also felt like alcoholics, as we’d each gotten a bottle of wine to bring with, making the total bottles of wine somewhere near 7.

Dinner was eaten off paper plates and the wine was happily dug into by all of us, including Matthias’s roommate, Matt. Whomever had paired them together was obviously a joker.

Wine has, and probably always will, in addition to making me swell up like the Michelin Man, gotten me hammered as fuck.

So, we were ALL suitably toasty when we started to play a game, sitting there on the floor passing the wine bottles around. The game was, of course, a favorite of mine: Truth of Mother-fucking Dare. There’s very little I won’t do or won’t answer truthfully (a blessing AND a curse), so I was stoked.

The game, as we were all 19 or so, immediately took a sexual tone. Someone answered describing losing their virginity, someone else discussed fantasies, and I’m pretty sure that someone streaked, but my memory is suitably foggy. Eventually, it was my turn.

The question must have been something or another about The Sex, for the life of me, I don’t remember the specifics, but my answer was, in drunken drawl, “I *snort* I dunno. I *hic* just like *hic* sex.”

It was a most unfortunate choice of words that I would pay for for months after.

Because Matthias’s roommate lit up like a Christmas tree. We’d been talking earlier because I am chatty and I could tell he thought I was cute (obvs: wine goggles), but there was no interest on my part. He just wasn’t my type.

But between the stupid comment about sex (to be fair, the rest of the comments were much, much more raunchy, and had I been any less drunk, I’d have been more descriptive) and the fact that I responded to him in a conversation, he was smitten by the time the night was over.

In yet another gigantic error in judgement, we’d made plans to hang out the following weekend when we were both home as we’d discovered we lived in the same hometown. By the time that weekend rolled around, and I was home, I had no real desire to hang with him and told him as much when he called my parents’ house. I wasn’t being unkind, just wanted to see my other hometown friends. I forgot to call him back and promptly forgot that I’d forgotten.

This, apparently, was the Wrong Thing to do. Because when I returned to school the following Sunday, my roommate informed me that someone “named Matt had called about 10 times.” She looked a little freaked out. I felt a little freaked out.

Over the next week or two, he called non-stop and had taken to hanging outside around our dorm, his eyes glinting creepily as he scanned the crowds for me. Maybe he just wanted to sell me some Amway, maybe he wanted to tell me that he’d discovered the key to world peace, maybe he wanted to give me a check for a million dollars. I won’t ever be sure.

Because the constant calling and skulking about the Ashtray (the gigantic fountain in the middle of the quad, outside of our dorm. Seen from above, it looked like, you guessed it, a large, concrete ashtray) had made me skittery and nervous with a touch of anger thrown in for good measure. Because now I couldn’t even call Matthias without fear that Matt would pick up and tell me that he’d been sacrificing kittens in my name.

He was just that kind of guy.

Part III will air tomorrow. Sorry, y’all.

20 Comments to

“She Tore It Up And Threw It In My Face, Just For A Laugh”

  1. On June 10th, 2009 at 12:24 pm Kristina Says:

    I had kind of a stalker once. Looking back, I am kind of a moron. He was hot, and when I let him off the hook not-so-gently, he took back the kick ass Dave Matthews tickets he bought me. I am a moron.

  2. On June 10th, 2009 at 12:23 pm Kat Says:

    That is uber creepy!

  3. On June 10th, 2009 at 1:17 pm rita Says:

    I haven’t had a chance to ketchup today, but I’m voting for you with all my email addresses!

  4. On June 10th, 2009 at 1:23 pm kalakly Says:

    No 911 yet on the waspy invader???

    One day I’ll share my bowling alley beer goggle story of how I ended up giving my digits to a guy wearing a stretchy IZOD belt while playing pool on Haight street. Wait, that is the story. How I got rid of him, THAT’S a real story.

  5. On June 10th, 2009 at 2:38 pm Notesfromthegrove Says:

    Stalker stories are only funny when the happen to other people. So thanks for the laugh! Looking forward to Part 3!

  6. On June 10th, 2009 at 2:54 pm lady lemon Says:

    Part III!?! That’s evil. You whore.

  7. On June 10th, 2009 at 3:56 pm honeywine Says:

    Yikes. The stalkery types can be a bit freaky…especially when yours looks like Smeagol. Yep, try not to envy me. 😉 lol

  8. On June 10th, 2009 at 4:52 pm Fancy Says:

    Ooooh, I love creepy stalker stories!

  9. On June 10th, 2009 at 5:10 pm Inna Says:

    the suspense is killing me woman! Are you gonna tell us tomorrow how you got rid of the stalker once and for all and we will then all be required to keep the secret!?!?!?!

  10. On June 10th, 2009 at 6:46 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Note to self: avoid any males who express interest in Aunt Becky as she is stalker-bait.

  11. On June 10th, 2009 at 5:57 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    You had a stalker. I’m dying to know what penitentiary he now resiides in.

  12. On June 10th, 2009 at 6:17 pm zelzee Says:

    Now I have no idea why after telling a 19 year old boy that you liked sex, why he would stalk you???
    You are lucky……….and I know this because I watch alot of “Forensic Files”!!

    Looking forward to Part III.

  13. On June 10th, 2009 at 7:46 pm Mimi Says:

    Jesus, I need more sleep. Because I must have missed a sentence somewhere in Part I and spent all of Part II thinking Matthias and Matt were the same person. And wondering why you wouldn’t want to do sexy things with a Swiss guy (who I immediately assumed was hot).

  14. On June 10th, 2009 at 8:53 pm eden Says:

    Maxi Pad = still funny.

    Weirdo alert: I had a dream the other night that we met IRL and became BFF’s. But don’t worry, I won’t stalk you near the ashtray 🙂

  15. On June 10th, 2009 at 9:40 pm Meg Says:

    ewww…creepy guy

    I should have gone to a cooler college, I’m not sure they have them here tho. I shall hold my breath for part III

  16. On June 11th, 2009 at 5:57 am mumma boo Says:

    See? Me slobbering kisses on your children isn’t half as creepy as this guy. Yikes!

  17. On June 11th, 2009 at 6:15 am Betts Says:

    Oooo, a cliffhanger! But I’ve got the box set, so I’m going to just pop in the next DVD and see what happens.

  18. On June 11th, 2009 at 7:46 am Kendra Says:

    Wow, I never had a stalker. Part of me is jealous. But I went to a tiny college in a slightly less tiny town, so excitement was hard to come by. I did have a guy spend an entire day (open to close) at the Eagle’s Club where I tended bar, trying to get me to go out with him. But seeing as how the average age of my customers was about 60 and this guy was more like 22, I was just happy to have someone there who didn’t have grandkids my age.

    Can’t wait to see how the polo club/stalker situation resolved itself!

  19. On June 11th, 2009 at 12:51 pm deb Says:

    Sounds like he had TRO written all over him.

    Off to read the next part. I think you’ve already got it posted. If not, I’ll be back later!!

  20. On June 12th, 2009 at 10:08 am Lola Says:

    Truth or Dare was invented by me, you know. Seriously, I am that old.

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