Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

She Said It’s Only Natural


My in-laws came down yesterday with the express purpose of wrangling our children so that The Daver and I could have a moment by ourselves and potentially go out without dragging along a 30 pound diaper bag. Dave and I usually do manage a couple hours a week to go out alone anyway, thanks to my mother, but this somehow seemed different.

Primarily because we had no Almighty Schedule with which to adhere. Poor Daver, whenever we go out, must listen to the breathy, “and then…, and then….” as I suck all of the potential fun out of our afternoon by insisting we do errands! And more errands!

Yesterday was blessedly different, though. We had plans to catch lunch at Rosebud and then…nothing else. It was amazing.

We showed up to the restaurant a few minutes before our reservation only to learn that pretty much everyone in that area had decided to avoid eating there for lunch. Something I took as an Omen of Awesomeness. As we sat down without having to carefully push every breakable thing away from our toddler’s Roman Hands and Russian Fingers, it was quiet. Blissfully quiet.

No one demanded bread, no one tried to upend a water glass or some crackers onto the table, and no one demanded that I play Tic Tac Toe. I didn’t have to shush Alex’s happy shrieks of joy that could easily peel paint from walls (aside: side job for Alex, perhaps?) so that other patrons didn’t stare at us openly.

Dave and I simply ate a lunch without rushing, without cutting up food for someone else, without having to stop and play a YouTube video for the small (but mighty) one, and we even savored a couple of soft drinks each. It sounds so stupid to most, but seriously, it’s the little things in life like that.

After lunch, we popped into Baby Gap to oogle cute pinkness for a certain baby who may or may not be tap dancing on my bladder as I type this as well as look for some stuff for our other kids. What I could never have known ahead of time is that Gap was running one of the most amazing sales on the planet. It’s why I used to shop there when I was (broke) pregnant with Ben, and I was thrilled to see it going on now, when I actually require (some) clothes of the non-boy variety.

Armed with my well, armful (pun time!) of bargains, I made my way to the cashier. And spent less than $40 on a bunch of adorably pink stuff. There’s very little that makes me as thrilled as securing a massive bargain. It’s like being high on life! Except less corny!

Practically floating down the street, or at least as reasonable a facsimile of it when wearing a moon-boot and limping openly, we happened upon a chocolate hut. Ethel’s chocolate hut. The name doesn’t do justice for how awesome it really is, even though I’m pretty sure most men I know wouldn’t be caught dead lounging in a pink and chocolate brown room, eating wee designer chocolates. They were running a Sweetest Day Special involving chocolate fondue and, well, some other stuff. I pretty much tuned it all out after I heard “fondue.”

(Random Aside: What the SHIT is up with Sweetest Day? As much as I do enjoy celebrating the love of my life and all things pink, red, and sparkly, I can’t do it more than twice a year. And with our anniversary and Valentine’s Day securing those spots, I’m tapped right out of wanting to celebrate further)

Between Dave, skinny Daver, and I, pregnant me, we somehow managed to polish of the entire fucking fondue pot, sitting there, in the pinkest of rooms I have ever seen.

Eventually, we returned home to our kids, fed them dinner and then put them to bed.

It was easily one of the best days I’ve had in awhile.






At about 10 PM, as we were winding down (and right after I’d given Dave a dutch oven in bed), I noticed something peculiar in the hallway. An unmistakable smell.

Oh yes, of course. It was the smell of vomit.


Now, to most parents, this is not a huge deal. Kids, especially school aged ones, get the stomach flu pretty damn often and it’s just another thing to clean up after. Not fun, for sure, but also not the terror-inducing monstrosity that occurs when I’m exposed. After I’m exposed to the good old flu, I freak the shit out. It’s seriously shameful how afraid I am of catching it.

It’s a phobia, for sure. A serious phobia.

And sure enough, after I gathered Dave and went to investigate, my nose knew. Our eldest has a nasty habit of tossing his cookies in his bed and then falling back asleep in his own vomit. It’s certainly not something for the baby books and it always sends me in a tailspin of panic. I mean, who the shit wants to clean up after that? Besides, this particular episode has completely ruined his mattress, which leaves me in a quandary: what to do now? Is it rubber sheet time?

It seemed only fitting that one of the best days I’ve had was ended with one of the most panic-inducing things I can imagine. And today, I seemed to have caught the adult version of the stomach flu. I won’t elaborate, save to say that the term “Super Colon Blow” seems to fit the theme of the day today.

So what weird phobias do you, my sweet Internet people, have?

posted under The Sausage Factory
47 Comments to

“She Said It’s Only Natural”

  1. On October 20th, 2008 at 11:19 am Badass Geek Says:


    I have a distinct fear of moving. The sight of packing tape and boxes terrifies me.

  2. On October 20th, 2008 at 11:32 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Gah… nothing worse than kid puke. Nothing.

    Hopefully the outflow will subside as the day moves on (sorry about the pun).

  3. On October 20th, 2008 at 11:55 am Betts Says:

    I have a vomit story to share. We were vacationing in St. John and my then 5yr old daughter (she’s still my daughter, but not 5 anymore) was sleeping between us in bed. She coughed a couple of times, leaned over and threw up ON MY HEAD. Talk about panic and freak out!! Can you believe I had to wake my husband up so I could change the bed? So next time you have to clean up vomit in the middle of the night, just remember you could also be cleaning partially disgested ramen noodles out of your ear.

  4. On October 20th, 2008 at 12:03 pm giggleblue Says:

    omg. here i am thinking that the day possibly couldn’t have gone any better, and then, then, then… stories of upchuck.


    i’m thinking it’s time for the rubber mattress liner at least. my mother swears by these things! poor kid, and poor you!!!

    i hate kid vomit. i would have wrapped up all the bedding and threw it in the trash, home birth style…

    as far as phobias – skin ailments with pictures.

  5. On October 20th, 2008 at 12:23 pm jerseygirl89 Says:

    Kid vomit is the worst. I’m sorry.

    I have a terrible worm phobia. Like, it’s a toss up between vomit and worms in the gag reflex department.

  6. On October 20th, 2008 at 12:28 pm Kristine Says:

    Ahhh, having just gotten over (kind of) a 2 week craptastic coughing phlegmy illness myself, I hope for the love of all that is holy that you are quicker to recovery than I was.

    My phobias:

    1) storm sewer grates – I cannot walk on them.
    2) microwaving anything longer than 5 minutes at a time. I believe this is something to do with the space time continuum and that the universe will implode.

  7. On October 20th, 2008 at 12:40 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I knew it! I knew there was going to be a ‘but’ to this story! I just was hoping it wasn’t going to be a butt blowout!!

    Sorry your day had to be capped off like that. I’d totally be rubber sheeting it. Hell, I’d be doubling up on the rubber sheets!

    So, here’s my phobia – reading about vomit while eating a delicious cup of chili, which is what I was doing as I was reading this post! 🙂

  8. On October 20th, 2008 at 12:42 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Poor Becky, that’s dee-sgus-ting. My biggest phobia is of roller coasters, I guess. They frighten me. I have ridden on some, and the last time I did (I think something like 4 years ago), I came off crying. I’m not sure why, but I’m sure that something will happen to the coaster while I’m on it and I’ll be hurled to the ground and die.

  9. On October 20th, 2008 at 12:44 pm Anjali Says:

    Sounds absolutely lovely, until the vomit. At least it was mostly a great day.

    I’m afraid of electric toothbrushes. It’s hard for me to even type that!

  10. On October 20th, 2008 at 12:52 pm Em Says:

    Oh no, so sorry about that! What is it about children and sleeping in their own vomit – completely mystifies me.

    Phobia? I have one (I actually wrote a post on it, so it might sound familiar, but I want to spread it around as much as possible). Snakes in the toilet – I HAVE to turn on the light when I pee in the middle of the night. It’s essential, and I feel like I’m completely tempting fate by not checking.

    Don’t curse me tonight when you’re up with pregnant bladder syndrome!


  11. On October 20th, 2008 at 12:52 pm Holli Says:

    Loose teeth and broken bones seriously make me feel faint. I considered becoming a dental hygentist until I discovered my phobia of loose teeth. A broken tooth makes me gag. I have no idea why.

  12. On October 20th, 2008 at 1:39 pm Nity Says:

    I have a gag reflex for anything that smells bad – rotting meat left too long in a container, old milk, poop, puke… it’s not good.

  13. On October 20th, 2008 at 1:42 pm DD Says:

    I have a phobia about reading posts about kid-puke.


  14. On October 20th, 2008 at 1:44 pm Kyddryn Says:

    What a lovely day…well…until the evening portion.

    I don’t think anyone’s thrilled about cleaning up bodily effluvium. It’s just something we end up having to do for our kids and occasionally other loved ones.

    My most difficult fear (I have many, but largely ignore them) is agoraphobia – some days, I can’t even go out to the mailbox. Most days, I don’t like the idea of leaving home, but I go out anyway.

    I would invest in a mattress cover of some sort, at least until he learns to wake up and…erm…emit…into the potty. If you have to change the sheets, that’s one thing…but changing the mattress too? Not so much.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  15. On October 20th, 2008 at 1:44 pm sara Says:

    Sorry I haven’t commented in awhile, but still thinking of you often and hoping you’re doing well! I’m so glad you had a great day, and I’m sorry about the colon disturbing evening. I hope you are feeling a ton better soon and that you and the hubby get to spend a bunch more days just like the way the beginning went! ((hugs))

  16. On October 20th, 2008 at 2:06 pm g Says:

    Did I ever tell you that M created a character on a game we played… Captn Colonblow. He also had a Captn Skidmark, full white outfit with brown down the middle. It was beautiful. Until he got banned bahaha

    Phobia? Reading your blog “buts” – they are almost never pretty.

  17. On October 20th, 2008 at 2:58 pm Michelle Says:

    I wrote about my puke story, where my daughter, son and I were in a bathroom stall together and she decided to puke in her lap as she went to the bathroom. Yep all over her underwear, pants, socks & shoes. And of course this particular restaraunt bathroom had no papertowels-only dryers. And there was suddenly an after lunch rush. And my son and I also started gagging. Not my best day. I had to carry my daughter out naked from the waist down.
    Now my list of OCD-phobias are many, but the ones I can think of right now are, locking my keys in the car, and walking on any grate on the sidewalk or street.
    Hope you feel better soon!

  18. On October 20th, 2008 at 3:16 pm Kristen Says:

    I am so glad you got to go out together, sounds really nice!
    I too have the puking gagging phobias…. ickle. Hope he is feeling better.

  19. On October 20th, 2008 at 3:17 pm Kristen Says:

    You feel better too girl!
    Oh and thanks for understanding:)

  20. On October 20th, 2008 at 3:35 pm chris Says:

    I’m with you with Sweetest day, and I go nuts when I see any of my children eat while lying down. Can you say “choke and die?”

  21. On October 20th, 2008 at 3:44 pm Amy Says:

    Ugh… I hate puke too! Just the thought of puke makes me want to puke.

  22. On October 20th, 2008 at 3:53 pm momumo Says:

    fucking pee my pants white knuckle terrified of escalators…

    also… wtf is a dutch oven?

  23. On October 20th, 2008 at 4:32 pm Sandy Says:

    My husband’s biggest phobia is much more appropriate for this theme than any that I have, so I will share his. Ziggy is deathly (read DEATHLY) afraid of children in the night…any child including our own child. Wherever we sleep, I HAVE to be the body closest to the door, because just the thought of my son waking him up in the middle of the night will make him freak out. (side note, he’s also afraid of scary children movies too, which may be where the night phobia stems from).

    One night, he got up to pee and at the same time, my son had walked to the side of my bed wanting water at about 2:00am. When Ziggy came out of the bathroom, he screamed bloody murder like a little girl and jumped to the floor. Then my son started screaming and then we were all screaming.

    He’s weird. Children in the night just freak him out.

  24. On October 20th, 2008 at 5:35 pm Kelley Says:

    Seriously, ‘and right after I’d given Dave a dutch oven in bed’ that sentence there made me fall in love with you.

    Oh and I have a fear of dutch ovens. Performed by my husband after eating icecream.

  25. On October 20th, 2008 at 6:24 pm always home and uncool Says:

    I’m afraid of tomato juice. Even with vodka, it’s just watered down ketchup. Bleah.

  26. On October 20th, 2008 at 6:25 pm Kymberli Says:

    Ohhh what a good weekend. I love weekends or days like that. Frank and I had a whole quiet weekend IN THE HOUSE last month. It happens about once a year so we relish it.

    I get seriously squicked out over bugs and food being in the same location. Like, while I’m eating my Honey Smacks, don’t even mention that big assed roach you squished a year ago. I will friggin’ barf. Seriously.

  27. On October 20th, 2008 at 6:44 pm Melissa Says:

    Big nasty pressure ulcers are my biggest phobia, and make me want to hurl like Ben did.

    One of my co-workers is afraid of cotton balls. Que de efe, duder? That doesn’t even make sense.

  28. On October 20th, 2008 at 8:58 pm Kate Says:

    Well, before this post I might say fear of flying, but I think that I’ll have to add sleeping in puke, now.

  29. On October 20th, 2008 at 9:14 pm heather Says:

    When on my first Disney vacation at age 5, I puked all over the table at Denny’s. And, really, who wouldn’t? That same year, my classmate puked in my hair when we were sitting in the reading circle in kindergarten. Oddly, puke doesn’t bother me *too* much.

    I freak out over crusty toilet pee. Seriously. I will hold it for HOURS if the only available toilet is crusted with dried on sticky piss. Bluuuuuh.

    And YES! on a plastic mattress cover. He won’t even notice it’s there.

  30. On October 20th, 2008 at 9:45 pm Collette Says:

    My phobia: I cannot allow any part of my body off the edge of the bed, kind of a keep your hands and feet in the ride at all times. I am not sure where it comes from but I have never been able to hang my hands or feet out of the bed.

  31. On October 20th, 2008 at 9:58 pm mumma boo Says:

    Of course it’s always the mom that smells the puke, isn’t it? Ick. Hope you and the little guy are both feeling better. And yes to the rubber sheet and/or mattress protector! As for phobias, I absolutely hate having anyone give me a manicure or pedicure. Freaks me the hell out when someone touches my nails or heaven forbid, my cuticles. Weird, right?

  32. On October 20th, 2008 at 10:41 pm Sara Says:

    I hate Valentine’s Day anyway, so I find “Sweetest Day” to be a fall version of that horrid holiday.

    I have lots of weird phobias, but I guess squirrels is the weirdest one.

    Mattress covers are fantastic. We have three between the two kids, because of things like this, and also potty training. They are a sanity, and mattress, saver!

  33. On October 21st, 2008 at 1:18 am PajamaChick Says:

    Well now I feel ill and can’t sleep.

    My phobias (or at least the irrational ones) – frogs and unfinished wood. I have had people pick me up because I saw a frog and I carry a plastic knife in my purse in case I might happen to be at a steakhouse.

    My friend is terrified of the pizza guy. She won’t order pizza if she is alone.

    My friend and my rational fear that we have in common – bar soap. I mean it is soap and therefore supposed to be clean. But. It. Is. Not. I would rather share a stranger’s toothbrush than PajamaOther’s bar of soap.

    Not that he will ever find my soap. It is hidden. In a plastic bag. Under the bathroom sink. In a half used tampon box because I can’t think of a reason that he would go through the tampon box even if he decides to look under the sink.


  34. On October 21st, 2008 at 1:25 am baseballmom Says:

    Gah, gross! Tonight, we had our own version of that, involving alex and the ‘other end’. He came rushing down the steps after I’d already put him to bed, went in the bathroom, and I heard…dun,dun,dunnnnn…the trots. I asked him if he needed help (duh, don’t ask next time, just go) and he said no. He then told us that if we see a ‘little spot on the floor, it’s poop’. I went in there, and he was trying to clean up a BIG puddle of diarrhea, with toilet paper. GOD. I was going to try to wipe him and the floor, and the edge of the toilet off with a washcloth and clorox wipes, but I just decided it was easier to throw him in the shower, then clean up the rest while he was in there. I had to throw the bathroom rug away, it just creeped me out too much. UGH! Okay, now for my phobia.s. I am deathly afraid of my washcloths/sponges in the kitchen being dirty, ick! Also, raw chicken. EW! And raw fish. And ANYTHING dental, loose teeth, teeth brushing-even on tv, even my own kids, I can’t watch it. Can’t. Makes me want to puke.

  35. On October 21st, 2008 at 6:09 am heather Says:

    Oh wow, what a day! I don’t like the vomit so much either. I’m what you call a “sympathy puker”. Even if I’m not sick, I just have to see it or hear it, and I am heaving right along with you. As a result, I too am paranoid of vomit. Not because I might catch your germs, but because I hate to throw up more than anything else in the world. I threw up only once while pregnant, and if I even suspect I’m coming down with something, I just stop eating. The last time I threw up was over 3 years ago. I have this force of will that’s unbelievable when it comes to avoiding puke. What’s weird is my daughter does it too. She’s thrown up only thrown up 4 times in her life. (Not counting baby spit up stuff.)

    At least you got some chocolate fondue, how awesome is that?

  36. On October 21st, 2008 at 8:56 am Maria Says:

    I am almost more bothered by green snot than vomit.

    Chipmunk puked in my MOUTH once like seven months ago. That was pretty lame.

  37. On October 21st, 2008 at 9:03 am Laurin Says:

    I obsess about all the microscopic particles of toilet water that spray all over the bathroom and ME when I clean the toilet with the brush. I mean, have you ever seen a sneeze in slo mo? It’s just like that, I know it.

  38. On October 21st, 2008 at 9:17 am kate Says:

    i didn’t really have any phobias until just now. but now i have two. 1) that one of my children will develop thi shabit of vomiting and then falling back asleep in it and 2) the sweetest day, i’d never heard of it until now, god help us.

  39. On October 21st, 2008 at 9:18 am Rachel Says:

    I really hate feet. I can’t stand the thought of pedicures, I have kicked men out of my bed for putting their feet on my while sleeping, and I send my kids to Grandma’s when they need their toenails trimmed.

  40. On October 21st, 2008 at 9:37 am SCY Says:

    I don’t have a phobia but I hate it when people do not wash their hands after going to a PUBLIC bathroom – grosses me out completely!!!

  41. On October 21st, 2008 at 10:06 am stacey k Says:

    Phobia…..this is a crazy one…
    Open stairs… the ones that only have the treads and no back riser to them…i fell through once as a kid (missed the step and put myself through the back of the step)
    I make sure I have my foot firmly planted onthe tread before I move the other foot to the next step…

  42. On October 21st, 2008 at 12:29 pm Miss Grace Says:

    I’m going to ignore the vomit and the phobias and just concentrate on the lovely time you guys got to have together!

  43. On October 21st, 2008 at 1:57 pm heather... Says:

    Feet. Any feet. FEEEEET! AAAAAAAAAACK!

  44. On October 21st, 2008 at 8:48 pm Lola Says:

    Glad you had a lovely lunch, girl! You so deserve it. Yeah, puke is high on my list of things to run from. Stupid people are up there, too, but I’m going to have to go with touching raw chicken or turkey and then smelling the flesh cook in my house. Freaks me OUT every time!

    Oh, wait, wait. Newborns FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT. That’s it, infants. Can’t deal until they’re four months, minimum. Wobbly heads are just not okay with me.

  45. On October 21st, 2008 at 11:50 pm Melissa Says:

    2 phobias. First, moths. I hate them. I can’t have them flying around me. Sends me into a panic. Second, sharks. Do I live around water? No. Have I had a shark encounter? No. I am so completely unrealistically scared of them. I can’t watch shark week. The thought of flying over water and possibly crashing and having sharks eat my body (yes, I know I would be dead) just freaks the hell out of me.

    Yes, I know I need therapy.

  46. On October 22nd, 2008 at 3:05 am 'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why Says:

    My phobia? Insects or spiders that lay eggs under your skin, then the eggs hatch and baby bugs come swarming out….eeehhh.
    Seriously, your kid sleeps after barfing? Mine won’t sleep for two days after that. Which means neither do I.

  47. On October 23rd, 2008 at 4:31 pm Lisa Says:

    It is the best when you can go out have a little down time and feel rejuventated the next day…not exactly the ended you had but the first part sounded good. My husband and I go out together about once a month and this last time…we went to dinner and came home to play cards without being interrupted 1000 times and it was the best date in a very long time.

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