Mommy Wants Vodka

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She Puts The Passive In Passive-Aggressive


I was suitably hung over the morning after I’d moved in, and since I had tried to block out the worst of the decor in my new room, I’d almost forgotten where I was. That is, of course, until I opened my eyes and all of the colors swirled together into one gigantic mess. Reality came crashing back in, so I got up, smoked a cigarette alone and decided to see if the rest of my floor was so creepy.

I walked in the square shaped hallway all the way around until I got about two doors down from my own, where the door was open. I popped my head in and said hello to the two girls sitting on the floor. They promptly invited me in, where I noticed an ashtray and became overwhelmed with glee.

“Can I SMOKE in here?” I asked them happily.

“Sure,” said the taller of the two. “We don’t smoke, but you can.”

So I scrambled back to my own room to grab my smokes, and when I returned the taller one bummed a smoke from me. We both smoked cheerfully as we talked, unaware of how often we would repeat this ritual for the next ten or so years.

The tall one who had spoken to me first is my friend Pashmina, aka Stimpy, and the person responsible for the Dave-Becky Union, and I shouldn’t need to tell you that we became instant friends. I also shouldn’t need to tell you that I desperately wished that I’d lived with both of them, in surveying their less cloying decor and wishing it were my own.

We chummed around together for the rest of the weekend, Stimpy, Her Roommate and I, and on Sunday night, when we were sitting on Stimpy’s floor smoking yet another cigarette, my roommate, it means butterfly walked back in lugging a huge thing of water bottles.

I rolled my eyes, as we’d already spent quite a bit of time in my room mocking her stupid decorations and my misfortune, got up and went to see her. It appears that even then I was stupid and masochistic.

When I finally rolled back to the room, I greeted her as warmly as I could and she told me that she was making a book for her boyfriend, Dave, who went to SIU. I sat there, rooted to my desk chair while I watched her gather supplies, wondering what kind of book someone would make for a 19-year old dude.

Construction paper, markers, and stickers. A butt-load of stickers.

Stimpy and her roommate came down while this was going on, as I’d begged them to come and rescue me if I didn’t come immediately back. It means butterfly greated them somewhat cooly, but fascinated, we all took a seat to see what the hell she was doing. It was like watching a rhinoceros at the zoo, waiting to see what it would do next.

It means butterfly began to decorate page after page of colorful construction paper with different things that she and her boyfriend had done. No, not like “We had butt sex in the back of your Pinto” but “Remember when you got lost coming to my house?”

I began to wonder just how old her boyfriend REALLY was, because although I was newly single–having just walked in on my boyfriend of two years with an ugly UGLY! friend of mine–I didn’t ever see myself doing something so stupid for a dude. And if I did, I’d imagine that he would run away screaming, rightly so.

She spent a good couple of hours on this book, so we left to go grab coffee and smoke, and when I returned, she was on her computer chatting with her boyfriend. This was before I had an IM program, before I knew what one was, and before I thought that it was a handy way to talk to someone.

At this point, it sounded so stupid. Pick up the fucking phone and call him, I thought.
But there she sat, clacking away on her keyboard and occasionally hooting at stuff that Dave said.

When she saw me there, she took a moment to talk to me about the room and her stuff. Because I was a dude–not really– myself, I didn’t come equipped with a bunch of decorations and other frilly shit. I’d packed some clothes and some booze, hastily mixed in together.

She informed me that I was welcome to use any of her stuff, including her body wax (for waxing, not for sculpting), her lotion, her computer, her clothes, anything I wanted I could use.

But not really.

One day I did happen to borrow her lotion, and didn’t return it to the right spot in her drawer (it was in the teeny drawer, but not precisely where she’d left it–a millimeter or so to the right) and she had a fucking fit. OH! The HUMANITY!

Then she refused to talk to me for a couple of days.

A couple of days later, a friend of mine was over and turned on her television, which caught all of 4 channels (she was too cheap to pay for cable), and apparently my friend didn’t leave it on the right channel when she turned it off. As you can imagine, this was a for no reason whatsoever, it’s not like the channel was secret or something.

But to it means butterfly, this was the end of the fucking world.

Over the next month or so, I realized that she never left the room except for to go to class. And because her classes were earlier than mine, she’d come back as I was waking up to go to class AND NEVER LEAVE. She’d go to the cafeteria to get lunch, and BRING IT BACK. AND THEN TALK WITH HER MOUTH FULL.

I never, ever had the room to myself. Ever.

It may surprise you as I’m pretty open and frank about myself, but I do happen to like a small bit of alone time each day to be, well, alone. It’s not like she sat and talked to me while I was there or anything, but she did talk to her computer. Oh yes, yes she did. Her boyfriend would IM her and she would sit and coo at THE COMPUTER.

I wanted to die.

I had brought some posters with me from home; a Pink Floyd one, a Janis Joplin one, and I had thus far been too lazy to put them up. It just seemed like too much work. So one day, it means butterfly asked me if she could put the posters up for me, and because laziness always wins out when it comes to me, I agreed.

When I returned, I nearly swallowed my tongue. Now my side of the room was also covered in colorful plastic tablecloths, and my posters were all hung at deliberately tilted angles. And one of her stupid posterboards was now dangling from my corner of the room.

Shit, I said to myself as I thanked her. Now I’m NEVER going to get laid! It looks like Crayola came and barfed in my room.


22 Comments to

“She Puts The Passive In Passive-Aggressive”

  1. On April 21st, 2008 at 10:18 am b Says:

    I am speechless. I met someone like this very recently. I wonder if they are the same fucking person? Creeped my shit all I can say.

  2. On April 21st, 2008 at 11:21 am TheRamblingHousewife Says:

    Oh you are bringing me back Aunt Becky . . .

    Roomates . . ..

    Fun, fun, times . . .

  3. On April 21st, 2008 at 10:40 am Leslee Says:

    ROFL Man, reading this shit makes me wish I’d been able to afford to go to college when I graduated high school. All the stories I have come from the drunken weeks and/or weekends I would spend up at NMU with my friend, Alicia, who actually attended there.

  4. On April 21st, 2008 at 10:44 am kim Says:

    LMAO. thanks, keep it coming.


  5. On April 21st, 2008 at 10:51 am paisana Says:

    oh MAN! I forgot that she chewed with her mouth open! And remember when she waxed her ‘stache and SHOWED US?

  6. On April 21st, 2008 at 10:53 am kbreints Says:

    Hysterical! I never went to college – thus no collage roommate– however I did share an apartment with a girl that had a thing for Cats. It was rediculous! Cat “things” everywhere!! However I think that your story is better..or worse….

  7. On April 21st, 2008 at 11:55 am Painted Maypole Says:

    this is a fun series. my freshman roommate decorated as if she had stepped out of a laura ashley catalog… all flowers and lace doilies. except for the stairmaster. Yes, our room was so small you couldn’t unbunk the bed, but we had a fullblown stairmaster. Which she would use, while listening to aerosmith, and singing along in her operatic soprano. and whatever you were eating, she asked for half. She poofed her hair up so much as to add at least 2 inches to her height. on purpose.

  8. On April 21st, 2008 at 11:56 am Painted Maypole Says:

    by the way, my blog was designed by someone else – there’s a link in my post

  9. On April 21st, 2008 at 11:43 am Lindz Says:

    oh me friggin god! is HER dave, now your dave? or is it coin-ka-dink? man, enquirer, wants to know.

  10. On April 21st, 2008 at 2:04 pm tash Says:

    I really, really needed this today. And by god, I’m praying to all that’s holy that you kept one of these tablecloth thingies by IMB or at least photographed it so that we may have some viz aids with tomorrow’s installment. Please say yes. With stickers.

  11. On April 21st, 2008 at 3:42 pm Redneck Mommy Says:

    I’m getting all wistful for my room mate days.

    She kept eating my pudding cups but darn, I miss her so.

  12. On April 21st, 2008 at 3:14 pm Carlynn Says:

    I am so glad there is a part III, this is just too good.

    “wondering what kind of book someone would make for a 19-year old dude” made me snigger. And the posters story had me laugh out loud, I loved the angles bit.

    Oh, isn’t it funny how sharing an alcohol and smoking habit can lead you so well to friends you stil phone years and years later (even when you’ve start to cut down on both).

  13. On April 21st, 2008 at 5:04 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    I gotta say, she makes all of my ex-roommates look normal. And that’s saying a lot.

  14. On April 21st, 2008 at 4:43 pm birdpress Says:

    Too funny! I can’t wait for part three! (Didn’t this girl have ANY friends?)

  15. On April 21st, 2008 at 5:49 pm Ames Says:

    I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for part three…

  16. On April 21st, 2008 at 8:31 pm Victoria Says:

    Sadly, I was probably a lot like her in college.

    Bring on part three!

  17. On April 21st, 2008 at 9:02 pm Heather Says:

    Her “Dave” better not be your The Daver. That’s all I’m saying. Better not be, Becky, or I will be sorely disappointed that you snagged the b/f of it means butterfly and all her sparkly goodness.

  18. On April 21st, 2008 at 10:10 pm Mel Says:

    You have my attention….I’m dying to hear the rest of the story…

  19. On April 22nd, 2008 at 6:01 am ramblingamy Says:

    This is good stuff! My first college roomate was the daughter of a baptist minister. Which means that she spent one actual night in the room and the rest of her evenings out sinning. It was like having my own room – I loved it!

    However the one night that she did spend in the room she decided to bring in 2 drunk guys at 2 a.m. and let them sleep on the floor. Problem being that it was a girls only dorm and she almost got my butt kicked out along with hers.

    Good times, good times.

  20. On April 22nd, 2008 at 9:05 am Denise Says:

    Bring more on please!!

  21. On April 22nd, 2008 at 9:26 am Kristine Says:

    Somehow, the crazies I ended up with as roommates are seeming a little more normal now.

  22. On April 22nd, 2008 at 10:36 pm Dayna Says:

    Wow, my roommate doesn’t sound half bad now. I’m a sophomore-and-a-half(i just switched my major and it cost me a year) and my roomie is a senior. She takes the minimum required hours and her parents pay for EVERYTHING. When she isn’t at one of her four classes, she’s in bed. Under the covers. Watching BET. OH MY GOD!!! She has never once left the room while i’m in there except to eat, and even then she usually brings it back. She wakes me up every other morning for her 7:30 class but is PISSED AS HELL should i dare wake her up, ever, which is hard considering the amount of time she sleeps.
    two weeks left of school, then i get my own apt. but seriously, it means butterfly sounds worse.

    Oh, and ramblingamy: she’s a Baptist. and has made it perfectly clear that she WILL NOT leave the room when i need to sin, so thank God i drive an SUV.

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