Seepage Is My New Favorite Word
(this post is sponsored by NO ONE. The opinions here do not reflect anything but that: my opinions. Which, as the saying goes, are like assholes. Because everybody’s got one.)
(also: thank you guys for your support about my book. I’m really pleased with what I’ve done and honestly, if nothing more comes of it, it’ll make some really well-edited blog posts)
So, yeah, the Weight Watchers thing doesn’t work if you have enough small children that your daily life involves playing Whack-a-Mole. Just when one goes down, the other pops up. I tried, but it just wasn’t working. I couldn’t count every fucking thing I put into my mouth and stay sane.
(some would correctly argue that I’ve never been sane. A charge I would not deny)
I don’t eat from stress, I don’t eat for joy, I eat when I’m hungry. Years of dieting baby weight off has taught me well. Problem with this is that I’m a terrible cook. A terrible cook for 4 picky eaters, so much of the time I rely on shitty-for-you-convenience foods, which, as any sane person knows, are bad for you.
Further evidence of my shitty cookery:
I pulled this package out of the fridge last week and NEARLY made it. ‘Til I realized that it expired in June of 2008.
I did manage to cut out Butter, Chocolate and Cupcakes as food groups and hoped that this would make a difference. It didn’t. My scale went up and down and up and down and up and down. Until I realized it was broken. And I only realized that once Ben made mention of having lost 15 pounds in 20 minutes without losing a limb.
But getting on the scale week after week to see the number go up and down and up and down got really depressing, so I stopped weighing myself. I will tell you that there is very little as frustrating as working your ass off only to see the scale stay the ever-loving same. I admit, I get a little jealous when I see other people drop the LBS like they’re hot.
Anyway, so a couple weeks ago, I went out and bought Alli, which is the half strength version of Orlistat, a prescription weight loss fat blocking drug. I’d heard about it last year, as I was fantasizing weaning Alex and I asked my father, who is a pharmacist, about the drug.
Always the straight man he responded almost entirely flatly with, “It can cause extreme flatulence with particulate matter.”
Well. Now. Doesn’t that sound appealing?
But, remembering that people often use tapeworms, surgery and drugs that can damage their heart to lose weight, a couple of wet farts sounded almost do-able. So there the box sat, unopened, while I waited for Amelia to wean Amelia off her last nursing session, figuring my trip to Cali would be the end. It was, although I was not actually out of the state (thank you Midwestern weather!)
Tuesday afternoon I nervously decided to give the whole thing a whirl. No one was home save for Alex, Amelia and I, and since two out of the three of us already shit their pants with stunning regularity, I figured I was in good company.
First I pulled this out:
I don’t mean to be crass* but this case looks like a dookie. Was that on purpose? Was I supposed to think “Wow, it’s a blue turd!” when I opened the package?
Then there was this:
Okay, so another poo shaped item in my Starter Kit. Because the best thing about poo-shaped items is having MORE of them!
This one is a cheat sheet for people who have, apparently, no idea what dieting involves. Helpful advice, I guess, if you’re like The Daver, who can single-handedly always pick out the worst possible meal as his favorite, but for me? I rarely eat egg yolks, I like lemon on my salad, and I haven’t slathered myself in butter in months.
With great trepidation, I opened up the bottle and pulled out my first pill (which was shockingly UN-poo shaped):
Little. Blue. Leakage.
I swallowed it with my lunch and began to wait for the cramping (ed. note: I have horrible cramping in my guts every day, so this wasn’t something I was afraid of. Earwigs, I’m terrified of, but crampy guts? No big deal.) and seepage.
Nothing. Zip. Zilch.
I took another pill with dinner. Again, nothing out of the ordinary.
Okay, I told myself as I went to bed that night, let’s hope you don’t shit the bed with butt butter. I awoke the following morning to…nothing. As I prepared my coffee (to which I liberally add Benefiber) and egg whites, I reminded myself that most symptoms are evident within 48 hours. Which meant I had more than 24 hours to go before I could say much about it.
Ah well, I said, Becky, you ALWAYS have churny guts in the morning. No big whoop.
And you know what happened? Absolutely nothing. I have had no cramping. No pain. No seepage. No butt-butter. My guts feel better than they have in years (ed note: for anyone who hasn’t been following along and taking notes, I have gut issues. Originally diagnosed as Crohn’s Disease, the GI’s aren’t sure anymore. They’re also major fucking assholes, but that’s neither here nor there).
Hour 48 will officially hit sometime around noon today and I feel…fine.
Since I do not have a scale, I will not be able to tell if the drugs are doing what they’re designed to do, but I’ll report back.
Until then, here’s a cute baby picture!
Amelia says: “My Mom is #1 in the #2 business!”
*that is a total lie. I always mean to be crass.
That stuff can be vicious… but if you’re eating the right things, you’re usually fine. For some reason, it makes me feel like utter shit, and reminds me of this (absolutely NSFW and totally ridiculous) Rather Good comic video:
http://www.rathergood.com/seepage
But yeah…. really NSFW because of the language. Which is also why it’s so hilarious.
Love,
JP
http://www.denimdebutante.com
I’m excited to see how this works for you, I’ve been thinking about trying it. I will graciously allow you to experience the butt seepage first. Good luck!
[…] Original post by Mommy Wants Vodka […]
No butt leakage is ALWAYS a good thing π
xxx
As I sit her counting every freaking point I am putting in my mouth and S.L.O.W.L.Y dropping pounds – losing pounds through anal leakage almost sounds appealing…. almost.
‘Tis a rocky road you’ve begun to journey down. But, really, if you eat very low fat meals, then it shouldn’t be a problem. Of course, it won’t be absorbing very many extra calories through fat, either.
Hrm. Let me know how it all comes out. Pun absolutely intended.
I love that you write about poop. With flair no less.
You’re braver than I! The poo shaped instructions would scare me off. I am a mini Paula Deen when it comes to cooking.
Actually, I’m not so mini anymore.
(BTW, I feel a little stalkerish being one of the first people to comment lately, and I just have to explain that while I adore your blogging, I don’t stare at your blog until a post pops up, you just happen to post at the exact time I go through my reader each morning.)
Dude. You totally SHOULD stalk me!
Wow, it’s great to hear there’s no anal leakage yet! Keep us posted on the situation π
Okay, seriosuly the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Butt butter? Farts wtih poo bits? OMG, I almost feel like a 4 year old I’m laughing so hard. Give up the goods though, do I need to try this stuff? I am hoping to lose my broadside of a barn ass before the kid starts kindergarten.
Totally let me know how this goes…
So maybe your churning guts are allergic to absorbing fat, and now that Alli is here to help, your bowel issues will be cured! Test the theory by eating some butter! Oh wait, no, that’s probably not going to help.
Anyway, hope it works without the extreme flatulence with particulate matter. Keep us posted…
Here’s hoping you stay wet-fart-free!
I am waiting in hushed anticipation of seepage or no seepage. Because this is the excitement that is my life.
[…] Read more here: Seepage Is My New Favorite Word […]
Good luck with the rumble in the jungle. If you really want to tempt fate, eat a handful of those WOW chips with Olestra and drink a cup of Diet Tea. If you don’t eliminate 10lbs in one “sitting” then my name isn’t Diaryofamadbathroom.
Glad you haven’t had to deal with any seepage. I’m terrified to try it because I am not very good at resisting the fatty temptations.
not to scare you, and I don’t know anything about this particular pill except about the butt seepage thing, but in general dieting pills don’t work- they work short term, but totally fuck up your metabolism so that when you go off them you gain back the weight + a bunch more. I went through that whole song and dance around 4 times before figuring that out…and now I’m like 30 pounds heavier than i started with.
the only thing that’s ever worked for me in losing weight is doing small changes. Well, that’s not true, plenty of things have worked- like diet pills and weight watchers, but the small changes this was the only thing I was ever able to keep up long term so that i didn’t re-gain the weight after I lost it.
I did lose around 12 pounds since january, just by taking my dog out for a long walk every day. I know you have a dog, so maybe try increasing the time you walk him every day (or start walking him for 20 minutes a day if you never walk him?)
the brown rice and veggies diet has also worked for me for losing a pound or two a week (instead of whatever crap frozen food you wanted to eat for dinner, eat brown rice and some kind of bean/veggies/edamame/something + hot sauce, you can eat as much as you want and it’s very very filling). They have instant brown rice that you can make in the microwave in like 10 minutes.
If you want to eat frozen food, they know have a bunch of much healthier frozen food options in the frozen veggie section of the freezer aisle- Bird’s Eye makes “veggies and shells in garlic butter sauce” that’s delicious, full of fiber, and only something like 250 calories.
also in general switching from white flour to whole wheat stuff can help. so whole wheat pasta, whole wheat tortillas (if you guys eat as many tacos and burritos as we do), whole wheat bread. And not just wheat, WHOLE wheat, cause there’s totally a difference. In general, things with more fiber in them (whole wheat has a lot more fiber than white flour) will fill you up longer so you are less hungry. I can barely taste the difference between whole wheat or regular pasta (they also have ‘enriched flour’ pasta with more fiber and omega 3s which taste exactly the same as regular pasta but is slightly healthier)
if you get really hungry at night and end up pigging out cause you are starving later in the day, try eating some kind of healthy snack sometime mid afternoon, like a handful of nuts or a granola bar (kashi makes some great granola bars that aren’t full o’ crap and quaker oats has this “simple harvest” dark chocolate multigrain granola bar that is really really good)
look at what you are drinking too- if it’s soda or juice you are taking in a ton of calories every day just from drinking them. If you switch to tea (maybe iced tea for the summer with some kind of fake sweetener or honey) and water or flavored water you will save a lot of calories too.
also try switching from regular sodium to lower sodium items, becuase sodium can make you retain a lot of weight. Frozen food has a shit-ton of sodium, which is part of the reason it’s so bad for you.
anyways i know you were a nurse so you probably know all this stuff already, just trying to give you some tips on stuff that has worked for me π
If you really want to see if there will be seepage, you need to go to the grocery store or some other public place. Embarrassing things like ass explosions just do not occur in the privacy of your own home, they happen in places like Publix just when you get to the front of the line after waiting for half an hour with a cart full of frozen food and screaming children.
I wish you the best of luck!
And the number on the scale doesn’t matter. It’s all about how the clothes fit. When you have to toss out all the clothes that use to fit because they fall off you, even with a belt? Then you have succeeded.
Oh, and I totally stalk you.
My ass just tighten up a bit reading this.
Γ’β¬ΕIt can cause extreme flatulence with particulate matter”……..I LOVE your dad! That is hilarious!
I just noticed the clock turning 12…hoping you’re not doubled over in cramping misery at this moment!
Hey- who cares if you lose weight as long as the gut cramps are gone?
Okay, it’s just past 12:20…faucet butt yet?
i’m just wanting to see how it works. i too considered the pills but right now i’m on the “i just moved to NYC and i’ve never walked this much in my damn life” diet. i’m hoping i’ll be making strides in the weight loss department.
Hope this works for you.
That container looks like Mr. Hanky-the-Christmas-Poo got busy with Smurfette. Add some googly eyes to that sucker and you’ve got a new toy for the kids. π
Thank you Aunt Becky for being so butt brave for the rest of us. I cannot wait for your next post!!! π
Having kids has killed me in the weight department because the only thing I can truly control anymore is what I put in my mouth. Didn’t get any sleep because my little beauty was cutting molars – oh that brownie gives me a necessary boost. Can’t go out because we are in stranger anxiety mode and babysitters cause fits – well Mommy can stay in with Daddy and eat man size portions too! A monster size tantrum in Target? Oh that snickers bar does soothe the nerves. Another mess to clean? How about a cookie as a reward??
I am doing this to myself and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to kick. Hoping your well-mannered butt lasts so I can follow in your buttprints with Alli.
I’ve been too terrified to try that stuff. I hope it works for you. I hate, hate, HATE the scale! I’ve stood on it too many times just to see the number NOT move at all! Which I guess is good, but makes me feel like running a mile every day is a waste of my damn time!
Good luck!
*HUGS*
I agree with Cassie’s suggestion, only I’d raise her a white pair of pants/shorts, a carload of kids, and no restroom in sight. Then we’ll see how the old gut holds its stuff.
Seriously, though, if it’s making you *feel* better, that’s got to count for something, right?
The fact that you haven’t covered yourself in butter in a long time makes me sad for Dave.
There’s nothing that says good morning like reading about dear old aunt becky’s ass parts…and the particulate that may be imminately eminating from them there parts.
I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
It’s good to have an ally like alli.
Sorry. I couldn’t resist.
I so need to loose too. I’m stuffing myself full of carbs b/c I can’t eat dairy, onion, citrus (including tomato), soy or egg while nursing. I literally grab bread during the day and eat it. Plus I eat giant portions b/c I’m hungry when I eat. Then I also eat when I’m bored. I’m screwed. I’m 5 foot tall and I weigh 153. It sucks. I weigh less than when I got pregnant, but about 40 lbs more than when I was in grad school 10 years ago. I need to exercise and don’t. I still look like I’m 5 months preggers and still wear my maternity pants. Maybe we could start some type of online support circle on the weight loss deal.
now let me go eat another french fry π
You are so totally going to shart in public. And I cannot wait to read about it!
OK. I may be totally wrong here, and it wont be the first time, but the package says “USE OR FREEZE BEFORE JULY 2008”. It was frozen, no? Before that date, no? I would have cooked it. No shit. Haha, I said shit.
I really would have cooked it so if that’s wrong, someone needs to email me now and tell me. Cause the life you save, may be, well someone importants.
Now, I too have a, shall we say, sensitive bowel. With all the crampy, discomfort and movements that go along with (effin IBS here), so after you have taken this for a week – my little guinea pig – could you be so kind as to email me and let me know if A) You had no ‘extra’ stomach issues and B) You lost any weight at all. Hell, I’ll take a half pound at this point.
You’ll do that for me, right? Oh and don’t forget to find out about the whole death by expired frozen food issue. That could be a serious issue for me. Or at least my hubby.
Love and kisses on all your pink parts.
Well that was just wrong.
Cover yourself in olive oil, or avocados. They are ‘good fat’.
The seepage thing has kept me from using it, that and the fact that I am 99% sure I’ll gain the weight back. I’m taking the long view…it’s a 5 year plan to revamp my eating habits. I’ve gotten most of the processed stuff out, and am now working on getting the fruits & veggies in. It’s been 3 years. I’ve lost 15lbs, but then I went on an extended artichoke dip, brie, avocado & pepperoni roll binge for 6 weeks and gained 12 of it back.
So now I am sucking up to increased exercise.
Risk of seepage? Sorry there is no way I would go there. Ewww.
I can’t believe that crap is something a person with Chrons/GI problems should take.
Before this, you were living on the edge, Aunt Becky, now I don’t know even know you any more.
Dear Becky,
I sincerely hope you don’t get the exploding diarrhea.
Love,
Me π
Oh I hope you post how it works for you, I’ve always been tempted to try that. Instead I just started Body for Life. If that doesn’t work, I’ll invest in Alli probably.
Your posts always make me smile.
it’s not so much the seepage part that would concern me – it would the ‘with particulates’ part that would be at issue.
Seepage with particulates = poop your pants.
I always have that anyway, so I am a candidate for this product as well?
Can I still have my oreos double stuffs , or should I cut back to the orginal stuff?
Hee hee, you said anal leakage!
I, for one, cannot wait to hear your results! Because I am saving my pennies for some Alli love as we speak.
holy shit!!
I once tried that lemon super cleanse diet detox thing and experienced something worse that seapage: butt pee
uggh…
can’t wait to hear how your dookie pills work!!
I have often wondered about that stuff. Please be sure to post poop updates on Twitter, ok? hahahahahaha
Earwigs! So nasty. Hate hate hate them. I almost had to buy a new keyboard once due to one of those little bastards.
I did this back in February. It combined with water aerobics (read: enema-like) almost caused an enormous pool evacuation. The first day was the only time I had a problem.
I did lose like 4lbs the first week and 2 the second. I quit during the third and I don’t remember why. But all the weight came back and then about 8 more pounds. I’ve been suffering with it ever since.
Sounds like an interesting week planned ahead;) I will pop in tomorrow and see where you are in the realm of seepage, if it works for you I’m mailing all my fat to you so I can get rid of mine too.
I thought about trying Alli, but I am just too cheap.
Check out http://www.sparkpeople.com/ It’s totally free online weight-loss community. I’m LOVING it! Since 6/6/09 I’ve lost 4 pounds and I am not hungry all the time. Plus? I just type in what I eat and it figures my calorie counts for me. Awesome site.
Of course, they do encourage exercise…but a case of the trots every day from Alli could be considered cardio! Or try the programs together for a boost.
Such a funny post. Please do keep the internet updated on your (hopefully lack of) leakage.
I hope for you it works better for you than my diet. I’m doing the whole starving yourself all day then pigging out at night after a couple of beers business. (Not every night.) It’s not really doing anything for me.
I don’t even own a scale. I test weight loss by my ability to fit into my skinny pants… and by skinny I mean the ones you have to lie down to button.
If the anal leakage becomes a problem (I’m knocking on wood so it doesn’t) you can always blame the smell on a child…
I lost loads of weight on Orlistat, it’s fine if you eat mostly salad but wait for the first time you (like my BFF did) decide that steak and chips really isn’t that fatty – nothing is funier than hearing your friend scream from the bathroom that she is farting oil.
I didn’t put the weight back on for a couple of years – using it totally changed my eating habits an it wasn’t until we moved country that I started stacking it back on again… good luck
Until they come up with a pill that keeps alcohol from converting to sugar, I’m screwed. Those detoxes I do once in a while cause all kinds of ass explosions, but no oil comes out your butt. I don’t think I could handle an oily anus.
Hey, maybe it is a miracle cure for your cranky gut, which would be worth the money even if you didn’t lose a pound. Right?
Omigod, think of all the money you can make marketing this drug to people with your particular GI issues!
Oh, and my scale is in storage for Sweden. I worry sometimes about what it will say when we get there, but for now I’m using shorts to gauge my weight.
First time reader and while some would be scared off reading about poop I smirked and thought “now, THIS is my kind of blog!”
Love it. I agree with you on the WW crap – the up and down (and paying to do so) sucks worse than shitting your pants. Good luck with Alli, I’ve never been brave enough to try it!
Ha-ha, wouldn’t that be great if the little blue pill cures what’s been ailing your crampy guts?!
Just found your blog today (via the contest – couldn’t resist the name!). Hilarious! You had me at butt butter, I seriously had tears in my eyes from laughing. Adding you to my daily reads. π
Good luck with Alli………….even though I don’t think you need to lose any weight! You look wonderful. (Just hold them cheeks tight).
The only thing I ever found along the side of a road is a cigarette butt….and no one called me about that!
As long as you stay under the fat grams, you won’t have any side effects. I loved it, but it was hard for me to stay under…16? grams of fat at each meal. LOL Wait til you do go over & go to wipe yer butt. Weirdest looking shit (no pun intended).
I can’t wait to see how it works for you!
(Or, how it all comes out. In the end. Heh.)
[…] barely able to cook–thanks to a certain squally infant (read: The Daver)–I decided to go with Alli. Against the better judgement of many of my closest friends in the computer. Alli trumped a […]
OMG, you are hilarious! I don’t know what you’re writing but whatever it is, I’m reading it. π
LMAO!! Sorry with the text speech, I hope that’s not annoying!
Anyway, I have tried doing alli a couple of times actually. I need to lose 30 pounds of baby induced weight that stubbornly REFUSES to go away despite the fact that I gave birth to my final kid 4 years ago!!
Unfortunately, I am the most UN-regimented person ever. I can not stick to a routine of any kind, except for my morning one, which consists of wake up, brew coffee, wake kids, get dressed, pour coffee, leave. Simple enough!
So, I will take the alli for, maybe 4 consecutive days, then forget all about it. The only time I got a leaky butt was when i indulged in a very fattening food, such as ice-cream. I don’t do this very often though, so there wasn’t much work for the little blue pill to do. In short, it is only useful if you have a hard time staying away from fattening, greasy foods and are able to stay near a toilet or where Depends.
Good luck!!
Shoshanah
I lasted with Alli for a couple of weeks until I realized that I’d somehow GAINED a pound! Then I was all, you know what? SEEPAGE ISN’T MY FAVORITE WORD ANYMORE.
OMG, you are hilarious! I don’t know what you’re writing but whatever it is, I’m reading it. π
LMAO!! Sorry with the text speech, I hope that’s not annoying!
Anyway, I have tried doing alli a couple of times actually. I need to lose 30 pounds of baby induced weight that stubbornly REFUSES to go away despite the fact that I gave birth to my final kid 4 years ago!!
Unfortunately, I am the most UN-regimented person ever. I can not stick to a routine of any kind, except for my morning one, which consists of wake up, brew coffee, wake kids, get dressed, pour coffee, leave. Simple enough!
So, I will take the alli for, maybe 4 consecutive days, then forget all about it. The only time I got a leaky butt was when i indulged in a very fattening food, such as ice-cream. I don’t do this very often though, so there wasn’t much work for the little blue pill to do. In short, it is only useful if you have a hard time staying away from fattening, greasy foods and are able to stay near a toilet or wear Depends.
Good luck!!
Shoshanah
Great! The timing for this article is perfect for me. Iβve read dozens of essays on this topic, but yours pulls the components all together, and the focus on THE SPECIFICS is brilliant. Thank you.