Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

See Also: Taeniophobia


I have many irrational fears. I suppose you could just say, “I’m irrational,” but since this is my website, I’m going to tag on the part about fears and pretend that lalalalalaa I’m totally, completely, entirely, 110% sane.

Shut up.

I’m deathly afraid of earwigs. My earwig phobia can handily be traced back to the time when, many years back, when Young Aunt Becky actually drank a live earwig that had been evilly lurking inside a Diet Coke can. That’s the stuff nightmares are made of.

I’m also afraid of fish, the color orange and anything sung by Rush.

But the one that is most impactful is my fear of Garage Sales.

I like a good bargain like I like Orange-flavored Hostess Cupcakes (read: love) and I love weird, eclectic things and Garage Sales are notorious havens of such finds. Why once, I got a Plexiglas Goat’s Head for a penny! If that’s not a win, I don’t know what is.

I also love to purge my house of excess crap. I don’t like…well, I don’t like stuff. With five people under one roof, you can imagine how quickly stuff accumulates. I’m not a hoarder and having a bunch of stuff around makes me anxious(er) and twitchy(er) so every couple of months, I go through the house and remove everything we don’t need. When I’m done, I feel like I’m on top of the world. I’m all Leonardo DiCaprio King of the World, Bitches! I’m high on freaking LIFE. Stuff, BE GONE!

So the stuff is out of our closets and moved to a second location: my garage. That’s all well and good until I realize (as I have today) that I must now move it somewhere…else.

The obvious solution (and what I normally do) would be to donate it to the Salvation Army. There’s a drop-site within a mile from my house and I can load up a couple of bags and easily drop them off.

But there’s always that niggling voice in the back of my head that suggests that maybe, just maybe, I could have a Garage Sale! Maybe someone would actually WANT some of my stuff! Like all of my old Williams-Sonoma Cookbooks that I never used because, let’s face it, BUYING cookbooks doesn’t mean you suddenly BECOME a cook!

(who knew?)

Maybe someone would give me a dollar for one of those cookbooks! Or what about all of my hardly-worn Calvin Klein pants that I outgrew? (ungrew? I don’t know. I lost weight and now they don’t fit) Or those toys the kids never played with? SOMEONE MIGHT WANT AN AWESOME TOY FOR THEIR KIDS.

This is what the voice in my head says. For a brief moment in time, I listen. My eyes glaze over, and I think that it might be nice to make a couple of bucks. Hey, I could buy my laptop and start planning my Epic Road Trip to visit the Pranksters! The wheels in my head begin to turn. Slowly. Creakily.

Then, Cold Hard Reality bitch-slaps me across the face.

I think of the people who will haggle with me over a coffee cup I’ve reasonably priced at a whopping ten cents. I hate to haggle more than I hate anything. In fact, I’d rather give it away than have to haggle with Garage Sale People.

So I’m left back at Square One. A Garage full of Sale-able stuff that I guess I’ll just donate to charity. Unless you Pranksters have a better idea.

I hope that whomever ends up with that Williams-Sonoma Cookbook set knows what the hell “creme fraiche” is. Because I sure as hell don’t.


Do you have any better ideas, Pranksters?

116 Comments to

“See Also: Taeniophobia”

  1. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:08 pm the mrs Says:

    Give aways! Assuming the items you deem “garage-sale worthy” aren’,t like, used toothbrushes, pranksters will love them.

    Or trade them; there’s a radio station in Atlanta that does trades (like they start with a bike or a book or whatever and see who wants to trade for something of equal or greater value.) They keep trading up until they feel they’ve reached an item worthy of donating or giving away.

    I’m not sure what to do with a Williams-Sonoma cook book either. I even wrote a post about it. Is it tacky to send you the link? I won’t. Just know that it ends in me black out drunk, eating cereal.

  2. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:39 pm Jana A Says:

    That was a funny ass post about the cereal, the Mrs. (do you live in ATL?)

  3. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s not a bad idea. The giveaways, I mean. I’m sure that there are some things you guys will either a) mock endlessly and therefore want or 2) actually want.

    The rest can go to charity.

  4. On March 4th, 2011 at 3:14 pm Lisa Says:

    I threatened to drag all my stuff out onto the front lawn, stick a gigantic FREE sign out there, and let everyone have it.

    But then I just loaded it up in the truck and gave it to Goodwill.

  5. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:08 pm Scott Says:

    I am totally with you on the Ear wig thing. Lived in the midwest for ten years and one summer we had a huge Earwig problem at the house. Totally freaked out by them. Well I woke up one night to hit the head, and glanced in the mirror on my stroll. I saw something moving on my face in the image in the mirror (thought it was earwig), and without a second thought I hit smashed it! Well needless to say I got it, but it was a fly, and I chipped my tooth! My wife has neever let me live down that moment. 🙂

  6. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  7. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:10 pm Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) Says:

    Although I don’t have your numerous neuroses I also hate garage sales. For example, if I was to sell my garage wouldn’t the bonus room that’s on top of it collapse? So many tricky issues. That’s why I give my stuff to charity.

    Ive never had an earwig…or lice…or termites. I do get ants occasionally though and that’s annoying.

    I’m done.

  8. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You should get some neuroses. They’re kinda awesome.

  9. On March 5th, 2011 at 3:01 am Maria Says:

    collapsing room? haha!

  10. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:12 pm gaylin Says:

    I have very fond memories of my dad cutting down a tree in the back yard, finding an earwig nest inside it and him letting my brother and I fry that nest with a blowtorch. Good times had by all – except the earwigs, which I hate.

    I don’t like garage sales either or having ‘stuff’ in my house. I have a friend who says my home is so stuff free that it is her goal in life, to have as little stuff as me. Not saying I live in am empty box but you are not going to have to clear surfaces or move boxes to get around in here.

    I loved my dad big time, his only pass time I hated – going to garage sales. I don’t want to look at or touch anyones dusty things and say wow, this 1970’s broken record player is so worth 50 cents! But I would like your Williams-Sonoma cookbooks . . .

  11. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    See, I’m not a total minimalist or anything but I don’t like extra crap. It makes me feel guilty and bad and like I should be the kind of person who USES a cheese grater (I’m so not).

    So I get it gone. Goodbye.

    Where I put it in the garage, of course, until I break down and take it slowly to the Salvation Army.

  12. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:15 pm Lady Estrogen Says:

    Oh, that was entertaining.
    I also hate earwigs, but not as much as spiders & centipedes – to which if I see one I actually start to dry-wretch.
    And RUSH? – HELL YA… terrifying. LOL. If one of their songs comes on the radio, I DIVE to change the channel. Hubby says, “Can’t you just live with it for 4 minutes?” NO!!! Hell NO!!!

  13. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:17 pm Jenny Says:

    I’m afraid of bridges, nipples (Thanks, Billy Blanks!), and windmills. Not cute little Dutch windmills–I’m talking the big-ass energy-producing windmills that will one day break off and cause mass destruction. In fact, I wrote a post on my fears and one of my asshole readers actually left a comment SHOWING A WINDMILL EXPLODING because apparently my readers hate me.

    Oh, and earwigs are a TOTALLY rational fear, especially if you’ve ever seen Star Trek II and have been traumatized for life by the sight of Chekov yelling that “THEY PUT BUGS IN OUR EARS TO CONTROL OUR MINDS!” Yeah, I know it was some kind of eel, but I was 5 or something when I saw that and I was convinced they were earwigs and those are Satan’s motherfucking Dermaptera.


    The thought of a garage sale damn near makes me break out in hives. It involves 1) going through my crap, 2) letting other people touch my crap, 3) talking to strangers, and 4) crowds of people.

    My only suggestions involve eBay (too much work) and Craigslist (total strangers and therefore highly alarming).

    I’d tell you I believe you’re completely sane, but at this point I’m guessing that’s not very comforting coming from me.

  14. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


    I’m never sleeping again.

  15. On March 4th, 2011 at 4:07 pm Marie Says:

    OMG WINDMILLS! Like the Turbine Kind? AHHH! There are a bunch on the way up north to my IL’s cabin and the first time I didn’t know they were there because we travelled at night. Then on the way home I was all W.T.F. it was like an alien invasion in two days. They were EVERYWHERE! and I saw that video AFTER!!

  16. On March 6th, 2011 at 9:01 am Krista Says:

    I’m so with you on the Star Trek II thing! Eeew, that image of the wormy thing going in his ear has haunted me MY WHOLE LIFE. And yes, made me totally afraid of earwigs. {{{shudder}}}

  17. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:18 pm Brandi Says:

    Do a giveaway on the ol’ blog (a la The Pioneer Woman when she decides she hates her clothes). Just make it clear that the winner needs to pay shipping, so that cleaning out your garage doesn’t break you financially.

    Or, do an online garage sale (again, buyer must pay shipping). My friend is currently doing one right now to help pay off some lawyer bills.

    I’d totally buy your fat jeans.

  18. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    WOAH. That’s kinda smart. But really? She does an ONLINE GARAGE SALE? SERIOUSLY?

    That’s brilliant. But scary. I’m also afraid of the post office.

    And the DMV.

    But that’s kinda not the point.

  19. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:26 pm Brandi Says:

    Yup. She’s doing it on her blog. She put up a Paypal button and listed what’s she’s got with photos.

    Here’s a link of you want to see how she did it:

  20. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:20 pm Stacey Vee Says:

    I’d hate the idea of other people touching my stuff… like rummaging through my old clothes and fingering the ancient crockery my gran gave me when I moved into my own place. Gah! Makes my skin crawl… To the Salvation Army! Be gone!

  21. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:20 pm Stacey Vee Says:

    I’d hate the idea of other people touching my stuff… like rummaging through my old clothes and fingering the ancient crockery my gran gave me when I moved into my own place. Gah! Makes my skin crawl… To the Salvation Army! Be gone!

  22. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  23. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:23 pm CortneyB Says:

    You could always free-cycle it. Free-Cycle is a yahoo group that you can post things that you have to a board and people that want or need it can contact you and then they can come pick it on curbside! Or you can answer your front door…. I hate when people knock on my door. Or you can do the same thing on craigs list – you can make lots of similar items and give them away or charge people for it – its an internet garage sale 🙂

  24. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    People who knock on my door make me afraid that they’re going to try and convert me.

    Ooooh! I like the idea of throwing it on my lawn. If, for no other reason than it would be deeply satisfying.

  25. On March 7th, 2011 at 12:25 am Jenny Says:

    Now I have to track you down and knock on your door, because I’m Mormon. Though now that I’m typing that, I realize I ought not admit it after the comment I made about windmills and earwigs and stuff. We’ll call me “progressive.”

    I promise I won’t try to convert you, as long as you listen to my Rush collection.

  26. On March 7th, 2011 at 11:24 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha. Mormons = full of the win. Especially if there are cookies involved. And really, all I care about is NO RUSH.

  27. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:24 pm Julie Says:

    Afraid of Rush? Hmmm. I don’t know if I can still respect you in the morning, Aunt Becky.

    Have the garage sale. Donate the proceeds to the Bring Back The Happy Fund. Choose people who need a huge honking dose of Happy but are financially Sad in the Pants.


  28. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha. If only I could overcome my FEARS. MY FEARS!

  29. On March 7th, 2011 at 3:39 pm CortneyB Says:

    But what if I was a Mormon selling Girl Scout cookies in an effort to raise money to be able to send my class to see a Rush concert???? hmmmm

  30. On March 7th, 2011 at 3:41 pm CortneyB Says:

    I should be banished from the interwebs forever because apparently I do not know how to reply to the right comment….

  31. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:30 pm Ina Jones Says:

    Having a garage sale (or yard sale or tag sale) always “seems” like a good idea, but is hardly ever worth it. I donate all my excess stuff to charity. Done and done. Its out of my house and I feel good about myself (like yay me for doing something for the world by giving away my old used crap). And earwigs are in fact the devil.

  32. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    YES. Exactly. It SEEMS like a GRAND idea! You might MAKE MONEY. Except that TIME is actually money and how much time do you want to spend filling out those tags and cleaning your garage and putting ads in the paper and then haggling with toothless people who want to pay FIVE cents for a nice coffee mug?

    Zero time. I mean minutes. That’s how much I want to spend on it.

  33. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:31 pm Jess Says:

    Good lord I love me some Rush! I guess I won’t be seeing you at the conclusion of their Time Machine tour this year, huh? I saw it twice last year and damn do I love it! Plus, Neal Peart is my husband, he just doesn’t know it yet.

  34. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Rush is ALL YOURS, my friend.

  35. On March 11th, 2011 at 12:04 pm Scott Says:

    What if I told you Rush throws Crustables into the audience during the show?

  36. On March 13th, 2011 at 9:56 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’d have to reconsider my previous anti-Rush propaganda.

  37. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:36 pm Hamlets Mistress Says:

    Have the garage sale but don’t haggle. Make a sign that says something like, “NO HAGGLING, HOMEOWNER IS DEAF. DON’T BE A DOUCHE.” Of course you’ll have to sleep with one eye open after that because of all the crooks that see the sign and come back that night to rob you since they think you’re deaf. And fear of burglars coming info your house at night? Not an irrational fear at all.

    I think this means I just solved your problem.

  38. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    How about I just throw it all on my lawn and let people take it.


    Wait. That would look tacky PLUS it’s been raining on and off and may or may not soak everything.

  39. On March 4th, 2011 at 3:24 pm Hamlet's Mistress Says:

    Let it soak everything and then put out a scale and they pay by the pound. The wetter the better. In a completely non-porno type way.

  40. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:40 pm Jana A Says:

    Wear your SYWM shirt under a hoodie and if they start haggling, unzip it and flash your shirt at em. That’ll shut them up!

  41. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:08 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha. Yes. I could totally just use it to flash people anyway. Which I clearly would.

  42. On March 4th, 2011 at 12:40 pm a Says:

    eBay. Or an eBay consignment service (a la The 40 Year Old Virgin). It’s annoying, and the profit margin is small, but it gets rid of your crap, and you don’t have to do much more than take a couple pictures and write up an awesome sales pitch and take the stuff to the post office.

    Although I do like the “No Haggling” sign mentioned above. That’s pretty awesome…

  43. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:06 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    OOOOH! Do they even DO eBay consignment stores anymore?

  44. On March 4th, 2011 at 2:54 pm a Says:

    I’m sure there is someone who still does that…

    But between the evil pharmacists and the mean Post Office people, St. Charles sounds like a really horrible place to live. So, I suggest moving, and just abandon all that shit in the garage. Then you can pretend you got extra for it in the sale price of your house!

  45. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:00 pm Jessica B Says:

    you could have a garage sale with no prices on anything and a big sign that says NAME YOUR PRICE or something super clever like that. Then you don’t have to haggle at all and you still get at least *something* to put towards your very special roadtrip. not that there’s anything wrong with donating to the salvation army and being all charitable and stuff. sadly, the buck you could get for one of your williams sonoma cookbooks could maybe buy you enough gas to get to the end of town these days.

  46. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:06 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahahhaaha! Right? I don’t know if anyone would even pay a buck for those stupid cookbooks. Every ingredient requires translation.

  47. On March 4th, 2011 at 2:57 pm Amanda Says:

    This is what I was going to suggest too. and hey, if they want (or need) it for free, then it’s no different from giving it to the Salvation Army. And you don’t have to spend hours and hours pricing things.

  48. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:01 pm Andrea Says:

    New reader here, but I completely identify with this. I recently moved, and have been going through stuff as I unpack. I have things that could make a little bit of money, but I’m in an apartment where you can’t exactly have a garage sale. I thought about taking pictures and posting them on Facebook (like a virtual garage sale I suppose) and seeing if any of my friends wants to buy the stuff. But then I get nervous that nobody will want to buy anything and all that work will be for nothing. I’ll probably just take it to Goodwill.

  49. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:05 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Right? I thought about that too! BUT, I totally forgot to add, I am ALSO afraid of the post office. They’re always so MEAN to me!

  50. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:18 pm Andrea Says:

    You’d think that those flat rate shipping boxes would help, but that means you actually have to go to the post office to get them in the first place. 🙁

  51. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:05 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    There’s ebay if you feel like taking pictures of everything and posting them all.

    And also Freecycle. Which you don’t get money for your stuff but the people who want it are supposed to come get it. Which means you don’t have to move it anywhere.

  52. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:07 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That appeals strongly to my laziness factor. The Freecycle thing, I mean. eBay is frightening to someone like me who is convinced that people will sue me over a broken coffee mug.

  53. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:13 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    I’ve used Freecycle several times.

    Love that I get rid of the stuff I don’t want and give it to people who do, all without myself having to actually take the stuff anywhere. Only drawback is that you have to give it to them for free.

  54. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:13 pm Lady Estrogen Says:

    I’ll try again…
    Love it – really funny.
    I relate to the earwigs & Rush – both horrifying 🙂

  55. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:14 pm penny Says:

    You can do what I did and haul all your crap over to your sister-in-law’s house for her garage sale and then whatever doesn’t sell, conveniently leave it there for her to decide what to do with…uhm…not that I have any personal experience with that or anything.
    You could also have someone do the set-up/pricing/haggling for you and give them a percentage of your profits.

  56. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:28 pm erin margolin Says:

    Dude, I would totally put it all out in my front yard and post something on Craig’s List. Just be like, “Free shit/Cheap shit/What you see is what you get/all sales final,” whatever. Maybe you could bribe some friends/kids to help you.

  57. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:37 pm Gen Says:

    I just spent a lot of time thinking about the opposite for outgrew. Did you ingrow your pants? And then I imagined your pants growing into you like an ingrown toenail and it was not pleasant to think of and there IS NO OPPOSITE FOR OUTGREW which is distressing I think we can agree.

    But I’ll take your cookbooks. But you have to pay me $30. I also don’t like to haggle, but I like to make outlandish ingrown offers.

  58. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:42 pm Kate Says:

    Creme fraiche is delicious! It’s somewhere between butter and sour cream (which sounds disgusting but really isn’t).

    As far as the garage sale goes you could put up a huge sign that says “No Haggling” and if anyone starts to try just point to the sign and walk away.

  59. On March 4th, 2011 at 1:50 pm Jennifer Says:

    You could hire tag sale people to do it for you. I don’t know how much crap you have that you need to get rid of, but it could be worth it. They take a percentage of your proft as payment and they do EVERYTHING. You don’t even need to be there. It rocks.

  60. On March 4th, 2011 at 2:02 pm Krissa Says:

    “Creme fraiche” is incredibly fattening. That’s all you need to know about that.
    If I had the patience I would, one by one, take pictures of all my shit and sell it on ebay. No haggling, make lots of money, and spend all day at the post office mailing that junk.
    Oh. So there IS a drawback…
    But I’m telling you, there are some sick pervs trolling ebay. If you sell your panties and list them as “slightly used but, not washed”, you would make a killing.

  61. On March 4th, 2011 at 2:17 pm BigP's Heather Says:

    I have nothing useful to add because it has been said, but HOLY SHIT THAT WINDMILL BLEW UP!!!!!!!!!!!

  62. On March 4th, 2011 at 2:39 pm Kristi Lenz Says:

    Get someone to have a garage sale FOR you. Give them a % of the proceeds (or donate to their favorite charity) or bribe them with beer and cookies.

    Oh, and I’ll take the cookbooks. I have a fetish. 😉

  63. On March 4th, 2011 at 2:57 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    I can’t even get into my irrational fears you much like my Psychiatrist would stare at me with a look of terror on your face like shit this girl is more fucked up then even I can help.

    But earwigs OMG they are awful. Just their name is disgusting the combining of ear and wig disturbing.

    And I have had garage sales people try to sneak in your house to find the “good” stuff Awww Hells Naw. Fighting ensues and I have had to ban people from my garage sales.

  64. On March 4th, 2011 at 2:58 pm Penbleth Says:

    I’m a chuck-it-and-be-done girl, mostly because I’m not organised enough to do anything else. Thank goodness for mobile charity collections. I’m not sure I could be bothered with dealing with the Post Office and haggling is downright unseemly, good on you for being above the mêlée. Stay classy – and keep buying plexiglass heads, one could get lonely on its own.

  65. On March 4th, 2011 at 3:00 pm mumma boo Says:

    Hubby does all the eBay stuff around here. If I even slightly hint that I might not want something anymore, BAM! it’s up on eBay. But that’s a ton of work. Find the stuff that you think could make a buck or two and do an online garage sale for your favorite charity. You know the Pranksters would get behind that. Donate the rest. I know that Big Brothers/Big Sisters does pick-ups in my area. Maybe they’ll come to your house and collect it, too.

  66. On March 4th, 2011 at 3:10 pm Beth Says:

    See, when I was five or so, I was outside, chillin’, drinkin’ my Root Beer Shasta (hell yeah, bitches!), and suddenly there’s something in my mouth. Something BUZZING. I open my mouth and out flies a WASP. A freakin’ WASP!

    Ahem. So there’s my “drinking a bug” story. NOT COOL.

    Also, I don’t haggle at garage sales. I price it cheap as hell, and if somebody doesn’t want it, they can walk their butts back to their cars cuz that shiz ain’t my problem.

  67. On March 4th, 2011 at 3:19 pm April Says:

    Oh. my. god.
    You must watch this episode!

    I don’t even LIKE south park–but this episode is EPIC!

  68. On March 4th, 2011 at 3:46 pm Little Big Says:

    I love going to garage sales. Love it. It’s part of my shtick. Having a garage sale, however, I view as a GIANT PAIN IN THE ASS. Since I don’t like ass pain, I make monthly trips to Goodwill, and I never ever look back.

  69. On March 4th, 2011 at 3:48 pm Karen V. Says:

    Earwigs are gross! I will never forget the urban legend of them crawling into your ear and laying eggs in your brain!! GROSS!! Now, I gave myself chills!!

    As to the garage sale, who are you kidding? Take it to Goodwill and be done with it – you know that’s what you’re gonna do… 😉

  70. On March 4th, 2011 at 4:01 pm gaylin Says:

    I wonder if earwigs wouldn’t be so widely feared and hated if they had another name, like pinch bugs . . .

    I have a nephew who makes his own creme fraiche . . . really, why doesn’t he live closer to me. And I do use my grater – nearly every day.

  71. On March 4th, 2011 at 4:25 pm Amanda G. Says:

    OMG. You are a girl after my own heart. I HATE HATE HATE haggling. It’s awkward and embarrassing. The only time I tried to haggle was at a garage sale where I found a sweet ass cow print Kate Spade (knock off, I think?) bag for $15. I wanted the bag sooo bad but $15 is pretty steep for a garage sale, right? So I asked the lady if she’d take $10 for it. She looked at me witheringly and said, “No. It’s cheap enough.” I was so embarrassed I put the bag back and I still think longingly about that beautiful cow print bag I had to leave behind. Sad times…sad times…

    In related news when I host a garage sale if anyone haggles with me I give it to them for whatever price they name. But they always seem so disappointed. I guess it’s because they like the art of negotiating. Whatevs…

  72. On March 4th, 2011 at 4:44 pm mary ryan Says:

    WILLIAMS SONOMA cookbooks!! I want,,I want bad. My weird obsession is I must have every ridiculous kitchen gadget ever invented,,a julienne peeler,(google it) I had to have. I have schlepped it through 3 continents and 4 moves.Do I use it? No,..maybe once. But i had to have one.
    If it wasnt ridiculously expensive, i would ask you to mail me the cookbooks. they make your house look all smart and savvy and shit. i think…………and i could use some smart and savvy shit right now..LOL

  73. On March 4th, 2011 at 5:00 pm Kelly Says:

    I heard a comedian once saying that a woman was haggling with him at his garage sale because she wanted something marked 50 cents for a quarter. He threw it on the driveway and smashed it and told her that the look on her face was worth WAY more than the quarter….

    Now whenever I hear something about a garage sale, I fantasize about doing that…….

  74. On March 4th, 2011 at 5:01 pm HereWeGoAJen Says:

    I vote that you put up a picture on your blog of what is out there and let anyone who lives close enough come pick up what they want. I don’t live close enough or I’d take the cookbooks. 😉 And then you don’t have to have a garage sale or drive to the Salvation Army, both of which are work.

  75. On March 4th, 2011 at 5:04 pm laurie Says:

    my husband has thing out back he calls his burn pile. if something lands somewhere long enough to collect dust….. he burns it. pisses me off very much when i go to get something and my 17 yr old says he burned that months ago. the relief of knowing that 210 barbie jeep was so much smoke still burns my butt. thank god he is in afg. so i do not have to worry over my farm and garden stuff, downfall is all the dead carcasses the dogs like to draG home do not get their funeral pyre.

  76. On March 4th, 2011 at 5:23 pm andygirl Says:

    do it! I did that last year before I moved to Portland and I never expected much of my junk to sell. but I made about $200 and donated the rest. plus? it was fun!

  77. On March 4th, 2011 at 5:47 pm jen Says:

    the only thing about selling the stuff is being able to plan the pranksters road trip and make it out to Connecticut because that is full of the awesome…but i am totally with you about the haggling….hate it!!

  78. On March 4th, 2011 at 5:56 pm Amanda Says:

    If you’d like to skip the whole give away process I’ll take those cookbooks off your hands! I looooove cooking…and bookstores overprice those things

  79. On March 4th, 2011 at 5:58 pm linlah Says:

    Bonfire. Have some freinds over light that pile up and cook some encased meat.

  80. On March 4th, 2011 at 6:09 pm Melissa Says:

    I am totaly with the Internet garage sale thing. Mark everything $1 over the price you would usually price it and that is your donation money for March of Dimes! Plus state that everything will be shipped when the sale is over. So ONE trip to the Post Office. They have those flat rate boxes now you could pack them all up before you go. And you will be able to tell people how much the shipping is as well because well. FLAT RATE!

  81. On March 4th, 2011 at 7:22 pm Jennifer Bohrer Says:

    Yeah, and you can get all the flat rate boxes you want for free delivered to your house off the site! yay!!!

  82. On March 4th, 2011 at 6:55 pm James A. Brown Says:

    Make up cool stories about the stuff being from expensive places and put it out for a lot more than it’s worth. Look around all haughty and tell people you’re doing community service for getting too drunk at a Besterly’s Function. When they ask what that is, look away and let out a little snort. You are at the one of the pool cleaners houses. Say “I can’t believe I have to sell this stuff so cheap” under your breath frequently. Also say “Teach me a lesson. Yeah, right.” Act a little drunk while you sip on Kool-Aid. Maybe add an occasional “I could buy this street.” At the right moment, show that you feel bad and that at least this really great stuff is going to ‘real people’.

  83. On March 4th, 2011 at 7:27 pm Jennifer Bohrer Says:

    dang. I wish you were in my neighborhood and I would come run the whole thing for you. I love playing store, seeing people pay for stuff you were just gonna toss out…haa-ha! Plus one of my secret skills is talking people into buying CRAP they don’t need.

  84. On March 4th, 2011 at 7:56 pm Walkingborder (Karen) Says:

    What size are those jeans? (email me, I know you don’t want to post it)


  85. On March 4th, 2011 at 8:13 pm The Mommy Therapy Says:

    I am right there with you. I despise haggling. My husband can’t stand the thought of paying full price for anything so he feels it is important to ask for a deal everywhere. Everywhere.

    He asks the people at Brooks Brothers to throw in free stuff if they are out of his size in something else. He wants to ask for a discount at Target. He’s pleasant about it and I’d totally bitch about it A LOT if it didn’t get us so much free or discounted stuff. For some reason it always work.

    Was I writing to help you or did you just want to hear about my deal starving Greek husband?

    Oh yeah, so I hate haggling too and you know all your garage sale attendees are waiting outside your house an hour before you open just strategizing how they are going to talk you down $.20 on an old vase. This is what I do….so clearly, you should too.

    I have the garage sale. I price stuff what I think is reasonable and if someone asks me if I will take less, I make them name the price and then I ALWAYS do. This way I get to make some money on my crappy stuff, I don’t haggle over anything because I was going to give it away anyway and I am never uncomfortable because it looks like I am so generous letting all the garage sale people win.

    Also, I make all clothes a dollar, all books $.50, etc. so that there is no one trying to talk to me about a negotiation on these items, they never questions those prices.

    Anyway, you are welcome that I am such a genius and just gave you the best strategy other than someone else coming in to run it for you. I also did not read all 77 comments before me so perhaps this one has already been posted. I apologize for the repeat if that is true and would like to personally tell whomever I copied that I’m not a copy cat, just apparently we are both highly intelligent.

    Good luck!

  86. On March 4th, 2011 at 8:38 pm Erin@MommyontheSpot Says:

    I agree with the giveaways! I also agree with no garage sale. I did one last year, and although I made fat cash, I almost lost my sanity. Thankfully, the kids only have nice, warm memories of this time since my 4 year old asked me to do another one last year. I guess hanging out in the garage all day eating goldfish crackers was full of the awesome.

    I, on the other hand, shudder at the thought of doing THAT again.

  87. On March 4th, 2011 at 9:02 pm Babbalou Says:

    OK, here’s where I reveal that I’m a closet tax nerd. I’m assuming The Daver, being a numbers guy, knows your marginal tax rate. If you donate your stuff to a charity like Goodwill you can take a tax credit for the value of your goods as a “noncash charitable contribution” (on your 2011 taxes). For example, if the value of the stuff you donate is $400 and you’re in the 25% tax bracket, you’ll save $100 in federal taxes. Compare that to what you might take in during a garage sale and don’t forget to add in the value of your time – because you’re so talented you’d be making a boatload of money per hour if you only knew what you wanted to do to make that money – I mean there are so many choices, right? You can decide if you’re better off spending your time holding a garage sale or loading up the car and driving to someplace like Goodwill. To me it’s a pretty easy choice, I’m not a fan of garage sales.

    To come up with a value of the stuff you’re getting rid of, look at the Goodwill site which I think has a link to the site or do a Google search. The truth is that lots of people, if they have a reasonable household income, come out better by taking the tax deduction. Plus you don’t have to deal with all the icky work and crap of holding a sale. If you don’t know what kind of information the IRS wants you to keep on noncash contributions, email me and I’ll respond next week. I’ve done what seems like a bazillion tax returns this week and am taking this weekend off – probably my last until after the tax season. Good luck!

  88. On March 5th, 2011 at 11:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yes. YES. Good call.

  89. On March 4th, 2011 at 9:27 pm Lisa Says:

    Do those ingrown whore pants come with forgotten diamonds in the pockets?

  90. On March 5th, 2011 at 11:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    In my case? Probably. I forget everything these days.

  91. On March 5th, 2011 at 1:36 am Karen (SubMommy) Says:

    Two things:

    It’s the word, *earwigs* – I mean, if that doesn’t conjure up an image of a small nasty creature laying eggs in your ear canal…*vurp* I can’t finish that sentence.

    Garage Sales are hell. Scary, ninth-circle Dante hell. For all the reasons you state. Like the smelly guy who haggled with me over a plate.

    Take the fuckin’ plate, just go away with your stench.

  92. On March 5th, 2011 at 3:05 am Maria Says:

    Aunt Becky, and Pranksters.

    You are all awesome. I wish I was on the same continent as AB, but alas I am not.
    Can’t you round up a couple of pranksters and hold the garage sale *for* our sweet, crazy sister here? Keep her pacified with uncrustables, and be an army of strong women to protect her from the masses, and still get a buck for her stuff.

    Just a mad thought, I guess.

  93. On March 5th, 2011 at 11:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwaahahahahaha! I love you.

  94. On March 5th, 2011 at 3:51 am MissHannah Says:

    Do your kids school do fundraising sales/ We have a lot of “nearly NEw” sales which support the National Childbirth Trust over here. We also have a thing called “Jumble sales” which are organised as fundraisers, you donate all your crap and someone ELSE sells it and does all teh haggling and teh money goes to a good cause (like a church roof or playground equipment or whatever).

    I am too lazy for ebay and I tried freecycle and got utterly swamped by group emails from teh yahoo group , much too hard for me! I tend to give my stuff to teh British Heart Foundation charity shop where i registered for Gift Aid which means the government make a small donation as well for every donation sold. It makes me feel better. Otherwise it goes to our recycling centre where there are men who know what to do with broken hair tongs and old VHS videos.

    I love creme fraiche. Its a great ingredient to use instead of heavy cream (what we call double or thick cream)or sour cream. You can get a half fat version of it too. Its made like your sour cream but is not as sour, if you see what I mean! But I am a nerdy cookery lover and cooking gives me my happy. I don’t expect the world to understand, ha ha.

  95. On March 5th, 2011 at 3:55 am MissHannah Says:

    Oh, and I am not afraid of anything “real” (like insects).I used to share a house with post grad biology students (ALL male) while doing my biochem degree. I was official insect remover. Once they saw a spider go into their crockery cupboard on a friday when I was away for the following week. They shared ONE PLATE between them until I got home and dealt with it. (It was pretty big though, for this country anyway, about 3inches across).

    My fears are all completely irrational and emotional, like noone liking me or people laughing meanly at me. Stupid, huh.Oh, and haggling!*shudder*

    So I would come and clear up your earwigs if you like.

  96. On March 5th, 2011 at 11:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahah! Please come over and fix my earwig problem. It’s almost earwig season and *shudders* I won’t sleep again.

  97. On March 5th, 2011 at 6:13 am Jolie Says:

    Yard sales = work (even though I price things by the table), cost (signs, time), PITA (folks looking at you like ‘you put THIS out here?’ or ‘nothing worth looking at’ and snort as they walk away) – not really worth it. I think with your fears/annoyances, your best bet for easy disposal is to have the Kidney Foundation come pick up. Or the VA or whatever organization you choose. Like Babbalou said, you can get a tax credit and the org can sell the stuff to help their charity so win win win. You don’t spend time in your “I’m not your bitch” shirt on the front lawn, drinking mimosa’s, acquiring fears that someone who wants your cookbooks but doesn’t want to pay $1 will come back in the night to steal them from your garage. I’ve had 2 garage sales – first when I was preggy w/my boy and I made enough $ to take me and hubby to Steak & Shake – that was the whole proceeds. Of course, I’m a pushover, so if someone LOOKED at something I’m like “make an offer”. Second one I actually made a little over a hundo. Both times, I sat everything in the driveway, and at end of sale, it got photographed (in big groups), boxed up and drove to Goodwill for tax credit. Once it goes outside the house, it does not come back in. That’s the rule chica.
    I’m telling ya, bag it, mark it out front and let a charity come get it. Done and done. 🙂

  98. On March 5th, 2011 at 11:35 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I never even THOUGHT about that one. Good call. I’ll call the VA or whatever and have them come here and pick up what I don’t donate to the Women’s Shelter.

  99. On March 5th, 2011 at 7:26 am Julia Says:

    Earwigs – yuck. I once put on a sock that had been dried on the clothesline outside, and felt something moving in the toe – ripped that thing off and dumped out a big black earwig! Blech!

    If you have women’s clothes, kids’ clothes, household stuff and toys to donate, I bet there’s a women’s shelter in your area which would absolutely love to get it. I have had the unfortunate experience a few times as a child of having to go to a shelter in the middle of the night with my mother and little brother, bringing nothing but my pyjamas, shoes and schoolbag. The shelter had bags of clothing and toys that were donated and we were allowed to take enough stuff for a few days so that we could still go to school/work.

    A lot of women need to get their own place after going to the shelter because they can’t go home, so they can also use donated household stuff like dishes, pans, towels, sheets, etc. Salvation Army, Goodwill and the like are great organisations too, but your stuff would be greatly appreciated by women in shelters.

    If you have office clothes, that’s great too – a lot of the women who end up there need clothes for work, or need to go to interviews to get a job to support their kids as newly single moms.

  100. On March 5th, 2011 at 11:34 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s what I’m going to do with all my really nice baby clothes and gear. It’s all stuff I painstakingly bought (I was very poor when I had my first, so buying things for my second was a luxury beyond belief) and I want it to go to someone who will really appreciate it. That matters. I know that it matters. And so that’s where it’s going to go.

  101. On March 5th, 2011 at 9:41 am Frankie Says:

    Yes, but is it no longer new and therefor my mom will offer you a nickel for it! SO embarrassing, I slink off to the car.

  102. On March 5th, 2011 at 10:05 am Wombat Central Says:

    I always think garage sales are the answer, because what could be better than clearing your house of crap, then having someone take it away AND pay you for it? Then we actually have the garage sale and have to run around putting up signs in the dark and the creepy peeps show up at dawn’s crack when we’re not ready, and I make a mental note to never have one again. Until next time, of course.

    Maybe you could increase your customer base by doing a song and dance like this lady:

  103. On March 5th, 2011 at 11:42 am Sarah S Says:

    Blog sale? You can just ignore hagglers. I’m sure there’s a lot of people who would pay good money to own a piece of Aunt Becky!

  104. On March 5th, 2011 at 11:46 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    But then I would have to have COOL shit to sell. Which…I don’t. That’s the problem. My shit sucks.

  105. On March 5th, 2011 at 11:47 am Krisedja Says:

    I don’t mean this at all in one of those I-Hate-Aunt-Becky-Ways, but, I have a question, because you confused me. How do you know that you drank a live earwig if it was in the can of coke? I just mean because how could you see it? And how can you love orange flavored Hostess cupcakes if you are afraid of the color orange, aren’t they orange (I really don’t know if they are, maybe I should google that but I’m too tired to do it right this second). I know some people already talked about ebay/craigslist and how ebay is too much work and craigslist equals strange people coming to your house. BUT! You could just take a few pictures and sell big “lots” of stuff as surprise boxes on ebay. If you have the stuff somewhat packed up already, just open the boxes snap a picture and start bids at .99. People are crazy and will probably go wild over them, you never know… you could be buying your new laptop AND a car for your Epic Road Trip by this time next week!

  106. On March 5th, 2011 at 11:56 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That is an EXCELLENT question. The earwig landed in my mouth, where it *shuddered* squirmed around and I spit it out. So “drank” isn’t probably the right word. You’re right. I said it wrong.

    And I’m not actually afraid of the color orange, so much as I loathe it. Orange flavored cuppity-cakes = win.

  107. On March 5th, 2011 at 1:54 pm Pam Says:

    I hate those stupid people who do that too. DRIVES ME NUTS! My BFF, however, says to them: Lady, it’s a yard sale. If you don’t want to pay a lousy buck for it, just leave. OR No I won’t take fifty cents for it, it’s only a buck and I’d rather give it to GoodWill than take fifty cents from you. She made over $400.00 at her yard sale.

  108. On March 5th, 2011 at 3:11 pm Emthe Says:

    Don’t haggle with *me*, bitches! Or I’ll toss in a free earwig!

  109. On March 6th, 2011 at 12:05 am Kristin Says:

    I have a simple solution. Fly me out to your neighborhood. I’ll run the sale and haggle so magnificently that you’ll make a small fortune.

  110. On March 6th, 2011 at 2:43 am Maria Says:

    See, I knew I had a good brainfart there!

  111. On March 6th, 2011 at 8:45 am Suniverse Says:

    I had one garage sale. One. And never again. I am far, far happier having Purple Heart come and pick up my stuff [YES! THEY WILL PICK UP YOUR STUFF AT YOUR HOUSE] than make a few extra dollars – even when we desperately need a few extra dollars.

    Also, the husband categorically refuses to have anything purchased at a garage sale in our house because, in his words, “That’s just stuff a dog or kid peed all over and now they want to get rid of it.”

    [I’m going to pretend I never read that you drank an earwig. Gross.]

  112. On March 7th, 2011 at 9:26 am yoshi pike Says:

    I have garage sales every once in a while. And I hate haggling as much as you do.

    Sooo, I set the prices and let my kids sell the items. Whenever someone asks me a price, I pull in one of my kids in and let them talk. The kids get a big part of the money and the let the ppl know that.

    Not many people will haggle with taking money from the kid. The kids also have ads of the items they want to buy from their share. My 5yo also got into it saying “I’m selling my clothes so I can buy a toy” 😀

    If we miss a price, the kids will give them a price and my kids love it. Most times people will laugh and give them money cause they are trying to buy something on their own.

    Everything that does not sell goes off to charity.

  113. On March 7th, 2011 at 11:20 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s freaking BRILLIANT. Seriously, good call. People NEVER would haggle with my big-eyed kids because, who does that? Like, really? That’s mean.


  114. On March 8th, 2011 at 8:59 am Megan Says:

    I’m probably a little late on board here, but when I moved from New England to Pittsburgh, I really didn’t want to drag all of my accumulated crap with me, so i had a garage sale. I fully intended to price everything, even buying cute little round stickers for that express purpose. And then life got in the way and I never priced anything. So the day of the garage sale came and I realized that there’s no point in spending the time pricing. If people were interested in something, they’d ask me how much it was, I’d ask what they wanted to pay, they’d give me a number, and I’d say “sold!” Because for me, the whole point was to get rid of crap, and people love a bargain so if they think they’re getting away with something, they’ll be happy. It was win, win, really. I didn’t make that much money, but I made some, and I got rid of a lot of stuff. Whatever was left went to Goodwill.

  115. On March 11th, 2011 at 12:02 pm Scott Says:

    Rush, really?

    So much for our whirlwind love affair!

  116. On January 9th, 2013 at 1:52 pm Mommy Wants To Get Rid Of Stuff and Making 'Em Want It BAD « A Pressing Of Keys Says:

    […] See Also: Taeniophobia – Mommy Wants Vodka My suggestion: Make up cool stories about the stuff being from expensive places and put it out for a lot more than it’s worth. Look around all haughty and tell people you’re doing community service for getting too drunk at a Besterly’s Function. When they ask what that is, look away and let out a little snort. You are at the one of the pool cleaners houses. Say “I can’t believe I have to sell this stuff so cheap” under your breath frequently. Also say “Teach me a lesson. Yeah, right.” Act a little drunk while you sip on Kool-Aid. Maybe add an occasional “I could buy this street.” At the right moment, show that you feel bad and that at least this really great stuff is going to ‘real people’. […]

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