(while discussing the possibility of having any of our children returning home for Christmas once they are married)

Me: “I don’t know, I just worry that the boys will get married go to their in-laws for the holidays. The way I figure it, the more kids that we have, the greater likelihood that SOMEONE will come home and spend Christmas with us.”

Dave: “Well…”

Me (fully expecting to be rebuffed): “I mean, except for Ben. It will never dawn on him that he should move out of our house. He’ll be living in our basement playing Everquest for the rest of our lives.”

Dave: “It won’t be Everquest…”

——————-

(While standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth, I suddenly begin to feel sappily in love with my husband)

Me: (Now back in our bedroom, spooning) “Have I told you lately how happy I am to be married to you?”

Dave (sleepily): “No, not lately.”

Me: “Well, I am…I love you very, very much.” (sniffs air) “DID YOU JUST FART WHILE I WAS SPOONING YOU?”

Dave: “Not just now, no.”

Me: “OHMYGOD, my EYES are burning, you ass!”

Dave: “I’m SORRY, dude!”

Me: “Sorry isn’t going to BEGIN covering it right now! What you need is a DUTCH OVEN!” (pulls comforter over Dave’s head so that he is forced breathe the toxic air) “You like that, do you?”

Dave (gasping for air while laughing): “I surrender, I surrender!”

Me: “Do you think ‘Toxic Ass’ would be covered under ‘fraud’ for an annullment?”

Dave: “Dude, you KNEW about my ass before we got married.”

Me: “Good point.”