Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Say I’m The Only Bee In Your Bonnet


First, I have to say that I love you. Seriously. I love you all hard. Thank you for signing up yesterday. I was beyond touched. I have a post about it, but seriously, you guys made me cry.


I still need more help and people to sign up here for the pre-pre-order of my book. Just names and email addresses, really, so that I can dazzle publishers and show that really, I do have people who’d buy my book. But thank you, Pranksters. Thank you. I owe you all a big bottle of vodka and some sloppy wet kisses. If we manage to pull this off, drinks are on me.


I might be a little obsessive, Pranksters.

Okay, stop laughing. Seriously, stop laughing. It’s not funny. Okay, it’s really funny. Because anyone who knows me well knows that the minute that I get an idea in my head, I can’t get it out until it’s done. One look at my orchid collection (which will kick YOUR orchid’s ass) will tell you that.

I’d be an awesome Evil Drug Overlord* if I had any desire to be evil, because I’d stop at nothing until I was, well, full of The Evil and I owned most of the Midwest. But anyway. My desire for evil is about equal to my desire to listen to Michael Bolton albums, which is to say that I don’t really want either. MUCHLY.

My desire for deliciously filled sandwiches with the crusts cut off, though, knows no bounds. You might be thinking, “Now, Aunt Becky, you’re 29 years old. What would you want with a product designed for 6 year olds?”

And that is where I would point out that you’d never had a clearly crack-filled Uncrustables. Which are as close to heaven in a neat, frozen package as I can find, EVEN if they sound like a rare STD**.

Sunday-Sunday-Sunday, rather than watching a monster truck rally, I set out on a mission to find me some Uncrustables. Clear over on the other side of town, I figured I’d simply POP into another grocery store and nab some more.

NOT SO, Little Butterfly. It was not to be. They didn’t have my Peanut Butter Filled treats. I nearly cried. Only the PB and & J filled ones, which, I’m sorry, I don’t think so.

Grimly I drove to grocery store number two, joking with The Daver and the two small kids who weren’t thrilled to be along for the ride that “Heh-heh, Mommy is SO SILLY!” They didn’t look amused. I wasn’t amused when I realized that the second grocery store didn’t CARRY the damn things for the love of sweet baby Jesus. THEN, to soothe my son, I had to drop $12 on a balloon arrangement. Because he’s 2 and balloons and red Solo cups are his obsession and really, I can’t deny him that.

Surely the THIRD grocery store would have my delicious, delicious Uncrustables! Why, I nearly pictured the boxes of neat little sandwiches and I running down the beach together, hand in, well, sandwich, laughing and playing, before I ate them.

My dreams fizzled into an audible pop as I realized the store did, yet again, NOT carry the brand that I wanted no NEEDED. Sadly, dejectedly, I walked back to my mini-van and faced up to my fate: I’d have to go back to Target yet again.

Dave said the words no one should say to someone who is obsessive: “Maybe they discontinued the plain peanut butter ones.” He might as well have said, “Maybe you should stop breathing for awhile.” I cried a little.

Once the kiddies were firmly ensconced in their wee beds, I took the first opportunity I could to run out to Target. And, as the lot of you told me that Target is also YOUR boyfriend, I should warn you to get tested for VD. We don’t use protection.

I nearly ran to the frozen food aisle, pushing aside little old ladies and strollered children, and finally, finally, it was like the light of heavens opened up and shone upon me. There they were: my savory morsels of peanut buttery-goodness.

Before anyone in the vacant aisle could rush up and elbow me out of the way, I quickly shoved them all in my cart and furiously ran to the front of the store to check out. I dared anyone to look sideways at the 8 boxes of Uncrustables in my cart because I would have run them down without hesitation.

If the checkout girl was surprised to see a grown woman with a cart full of children’s food, she said nothing. I half-expected a manager to come by and try and stop me from buying them out of plain Uncrustables, but no, nothing like that happened. I happily walked out of Target with my bag of loot, grinning vacantly like the simpleton that I am.

And they were worth it. Every single bite.

*Heh-Heh. I am TOTALLY kidding, Mr. (OR Mrs.) DEA Agent. Drugs are for LOSERS. The DARE Program taught me WELL.

**By that sentence alone, you should know, Mrs (or Mr.) FTC Agent, that I was not paid to say this.


I am over at Toy With Me talking about things people stick up their, uh, YOU KNOW. Yeah, I know, it’s weird and awkward. But I actually SAW this stuff as a nurse! It’s REALLY not safe for work.


The second half of my podcast with the fabulous Dr. Dick is up here and here. It’s full of The Awesome and I hope that you take a listen.

posted under Cheaper Than Rehab
80 Comments to

“Say I’m The Only Bee In Your Bonnet”

  1. On March 2nd, 2010 at 12:38 pm Cyndi Says:

    Hmmm… now I have evidence that I’m not the only person like this! I think he loves me or something so while he thinks I’m completely insane he humors me.

    Things I do this with:
    Mint Carmex
    Puff’s Tissues with Vicks scent
    Aveeno lip balm (either kind)
    Uniball Vision Elite in Bold .8mm size in dark blue
    Caron Eco yarn in any color

    See, you aren’t crazy at all!

  2. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:13 pm Sara @ Life with the Two Says:

    Vicks scented puffs are referred to as “Crack Tissues” at my house. We’ve been known to give them as gifts in our family as well…

  3. On March 2nd, 2010 at 3:00 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, now that sounds awesome. I think I might need to find them.

  4. On March 2nd, 2010 at 12:41 pm jen Says:

    “put a little bird house in your soul…”
    now they might be giants is happily in my head!!

  5. On March 2nd, 2010 at 12:44 pm Jayme Says:

    One of the best albums of all time, that Flood is 🙂

  6. On March 2nd, 2010 at 12:46 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    Don’t disown me, but I’ve never had an Uncrustable.

    I might have had a bad STD, but there wasn’t any crusty part of it.


  7. On March 2nd, 2010 at 12:54 pm gaylin Says:

    Unfortunately due to allergies, I won’t ever be able to have an Uncrustable. I know, I know this is very sad. Then again, I don’t even know if they sell them in Vancouver. Also, who thought of the name, just gross.

    And, um, in an emergency couldn’t you MAKE a peanut butter sandwich and cut off the crust yourself? I know you are very talented, you surely could do this . . .

  8. On March 2nd, 2010 at 12:56 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    I might have to give this manna a try.

  9. On March 2nd, 2010 at 12:58 pm avasmommy Says:

    I, uh, have a slight obsession with Munchables. Which are like Uncrustables. I mean, they’re almost the same thing, aren’t they? They’re almost spelled the same, right?

    Anyways, I once drove to in my town, including convenience stores and truck stops in my quest for them. I bought every single bag that our local B&S (no, I’m not kidding, that’s really the name) store had. I walked out with my head high..kinda…sorta. Ok, I slunk out of there like I had just bought a bag full of crack, but really, who’s counting?

  10. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:04 pm Ed Says:

    Dude, you should parlay this into a Van Halen-esque demand: At every book signing, there MUST be a dressing room which MUST be healthily stocked with peanut butter-filled Uncrustables. And 3 well-oiled, buff Latin guys with giant palm fronds to fan you with.

  11. On March 2nd, 2010 at 3:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I was mainly thinking of doing Grey Goose shots, but I think I like YOUR idea better!

  12. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:07 pm Kisha Floren Says:

    Bwa ha ha ha…I left the full comment over at Toy With Me, but I spent three years as an ER nursing assistant, and the phenomenon of people sticking things ‘up there’ is very indeed true!!!:)

  13. On March 2nd, 2010 at 3:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh yeah, they do it all the freaking time. It’s GROSS.

  14. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:07 pm Sarah Says:

    I know for a fact that Uncrustables freeze very well! They’re actually pretty good partially frozen as well…

  15. On March 2nd, 2010 at 3:01 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Now that? Sounds brilliant. I’m so glad that I have Pranksters to tell me what’s what.

  16. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:09 pm amber Says:

    I’m fairly certain that the cashiers at Target have to take a poker face test before getting the job. Nothing gets their attention – and I do mean nothing…

  17. On March 2nd, 2010 at 3:01 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Okay, now this sounds like a challenge.

  18. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:12 pm Melme Says:

    Oh God! The Uncrustables=STD line made me cringe! That does not sound like a pleasant STD to have… Not that other STDs are any better, but yeah… EW!

    And I am with you! Uncrustables are full of awesome and NO! a regular sandwich with the crust cut off IS NOT the same!!

  19. On March 2nd, 2010 at 3:01 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    See? EXACTLY. I HATE normal peanut butter sandwiches, but Uncrustables are like delicious heaven. MMMMMM. Peanuty heaven.

  20. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:16 pm Bree stone Says:

    My kiddos had a odd obsession with uncrustables for a while.. until they discovered schwanns ham and cheese toasters.. LOL!!!

  21. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:59 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Okay, now that sounds pretty much full of amazement. I may have to stalk the schwanns guy and try these myself.

  22. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:16 pm Rebecca Says:

    ‘red Solo cups’ …….does he also have an obsession for beer pong? I hear it’s quite popular with the kids these days.

    Now They Might Be Giants is in my head too. I love that song! Thanks!!~

  23. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:59 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Alex is predestined to be a frat boy I’m afraid.

  24. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:19 pm Kelly Says:

    I also love the Uncrustables…but I prefer the Strawberry Jelly variety. What I would really like to know, is who in the world thought it was a good idea to make CHEESE uncrustables….they really freak me out.

  25. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:59 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I saw the cheese ones and sort of wanted to vomit. Cheese? BLECH.

  26. On March 2nd, 2010 at 3:03 pm Melissa Says:

    You dont like cheese? How can someone not like CHEESE?

    I mean, I understand if you are somewhat meh, I can take it or leave it. I am that way about chocolate 21 days out of the month. But I cant say I dont like it!

  27. On March 2nd, 2010 at 3:05 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    See, okay, I like cheese. SOMETIMES. Mostly. But I think in an Uncrustable, I might…ew.

  28. On March 2nd, 2010 at 11:24 pm Melissa Says:

    I hate peanut butter lol. I would totally go for a pizza roll though. They are GOOD!

    That said, grilled cheese is an awesome thing, GRILLED!

    I am not sure I would like an uncrrustable in any form.

    Though I DO remember having grilled PB&J sandwiches as a kid and liking it. Grill it like the cheese ones.

  29. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:28 pm Elly Lou Says:

    So how many do you have left now? I have visions of a tiara wearing Aunt Becky – slightly bloated but still gorgeous – moaning amongst 8 empty card board boxes and throngs of cellophane chunks.

  30. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:58 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Shockingly, I still have many boxes. The Topamax makes eating very, very hard. I have to make myself eat.

  31. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:30 pm Stephanie Says:

    *dances around her office happily* I love TMBG. “I’m your only friend, I’m not your only friend but I’m your little glowing friend but really I’m not actually your friend but I am (beat beat beat)…”

    And I will have to try these crack concoctions called Uncrustables (alliteration aside, I love fun foods)

  32. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:57 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I also bought mashed potatoes that were (no shit) shaped like smiley faces. Which, HI AWESOME!

  33. On March 2nd, 2010 at 4:12 pm Stephanie Says:

    Michelina’s? I LOVE THOSE!

  34. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:30 pm Lizfits Says:

    So, I don’t have anything to add to Uncrustables or red Solo cups or any of that, but I did have a couple things!

    1) I love this new layout. It’s very pretty.

    2) It seems it’s finally time that I join your Merry Pranksters, because I am out of the loop on the book. And that’s totally lame…

  35. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:57 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    YAY for new Pranksters! And thank you. I’m glad that you like the layout. It’s being tweeked by someone who has an ACTUAL sense of style (I do not).

  36. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:41 pm a Says:

    My husband gave me the “You’re completely crazy” look when I bought Uncrustables when the first came out. They were OK, but not something I would buy repeatedly. I don’t understand what’s wrong with jelly though…any source of pure sugar is a good thing in my book!

  37. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:56 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I have too much of an imagination. I’ll…leave it at that.

  38. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:53 pm MommaKiss Says:

    Well we haven’t done these in our house because one kid has a peanut allergy, dammit. BUT – it’s totally up my snack-crazed alley. I may have to buy some for work. They’re snack size, right? Or like a bit ol’ sammich?

  39. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    They also make them in cheese variety. No peanuts! Woot!

  40. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:03 pm MommaKiss Says:

    And you keep your girlish figure HOW????


  41. On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:53 pm MommaKiss Says:

    PS. I just watched the Mercy episode where they extracted a bowling pin from a guy’s ass. Shudder!

  42. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:08 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    My father, who is 72, will take you down in the frozen food aisle should you get between him & the uncrustables. He likes the grilled cheese and PB&J varieties though so I suppose you are safe non competition anyway. The boys are dithery about them. They are ok to eat when we visit my folks but unacceptable at home.

  43. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:35 pm Christa Says:

    Fiber One Oatmeal Bread. Every groccery store in our area stopped carrying it. Either that or Fiber One does not make it anymore. I feel your Uncrustables pain.

  44. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:46 pm Keeping You Awake Says:

    They make just peanut butter? I’ve never seen that. You were right to load up. Now dry those eyes, you big softie, you have a book to publish!

  45. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:48 pm blueviolet Says:

    Really? It can NOT be that good. It’s not even unhealthy.

  46. On March 2nd, 2010 at 2:52 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    I can’t decide whether to buy these or stay far, far away from them. Considering my obsession with Diet Pepsi, Haribo Gummy Bears (and only Haribo, dammit!) and wheat bagels from the place two towns over, I’m thinking I should stay away.

  47. On March 2nd, 2010 at 4:04 pm Krissa Says:

    OK, darling. Feel better now? No more shakes? Hallucinations?
    Yeah. I know. I love those addictive little things, too. Only we do the PB&J over here.

  48. On March 2nd, 2010 at 5:58 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You can come on over and we can eat them together. That sounds LOVELY.

  49. On March 2nd, 2010 at 4:31 pm SoccerMom Says:

    You know I love peanut butter, A L O T. But I had never thought about buying these for myself. I used to buy them for my son when he was in grade school. Thanks for the great idea. I’ll tell my sportsman that I owe it all to you.

  50. On March 2nd, 2010 at 5:52 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m sure he’ll be THRILLED 😉 And really, they’re amazing.

  51. On March 2nd, 2010 at 5:28 pm mumma boo Says:

    Hey, a girl wants what a girl wants. I suppose the only thing better would be if they were shaped like orchids, right?

  52. On March 2nd, 2010 at 5:51 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Now that would make it amazeaballs.

  53. On March 2nd, 2010 at 5:31 pm Andrea Says:

    I too am a PB freak. That said, there are little sandwich cutters that will cut the crust off, create a cute little circle, and pinch the edges closed around the delicious filling all in one push. I have one and I think it’s Pampered Chef? Now I know that making your own is NEVER as good as a prepared one, but should you run out of the boxed kind, you can always put up your hubby or even your small children to make dozens and store them in the freezer. Shit, I’d pay my kids extra allowance to do that for me. Sigh.

  54. On March 2nd, 2010 at 5:50 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I may have to check into this. Sounds pretty full of awesomesauce.

  55. On March 2nd, 2010 at 8:15 pm Stephanie Says:

    Damn straight it’s Pampered Chef – I sell the shiz!

  56. On March 2nd, 2010 at 5:52 pm mrslala Says:

    I had no idea that they even made a plain peanut butter version! (Gasp) I think I feel a trip to Target coming on…

  57. On March 2nd, 2010 at 5:59 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    They also have….Peanut Butter and HONEY. I know, BE STILL YOUR HEART.

  58. On March 2nd, 2010 at 6:35 pm MamaCas Says:

    Please forgive me….but uncrustables sound waaay gross. Now if you’re talking about cheez-wiz on ritz crackers? I’m there!

  59. On March 2nd, 2010 at 6:52 pm honeywine Says:

    Uncrustables sound gross to me too. They look like wadded up dough. Icky. But at least you have a cute header! 🙂

  60. On March 2nd, 2010 at 8:36 pm Colleen Says:

    Um…. I’m not quite sure what this entire post was about. The title got me singing and then I was lost from there. I’ll try again… because, um… now I’m noticing comments about uncrustables and peanut butter and stuff so I’m sure I missed something important.

  61. On March 2nd, 2010 at 9:30 pm Angela Christensen Says:

    Oh dear, DEAR Aunt Becky, all I can say is that when I am away from my computer – and therefore you – for more than a day or two, the sadness is palpable. Possibly it can be mitigated by Uncrustables. I’ll keep you posted.
    Angie at Eat Here

  62. On March 2nd, 2010 at 9:34 pm Molly Says:

    So was this all a whorish attempt to get an Uncrustable ad on your new page!!! 🙂 NICE overuse of the word!!!!

  63. On March 2nd, 2010 at 10:32 pm flutter Says:

    have I mentioned that I am proud of you?

  64. On March 3rd, 2010 at 6:22 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    8 boxes huh? Obsess much? Who am I kidding. I’d do the same for eight bags of cheesedoodles. Food. Of. The. Gods.

  65. On March 3rd, 2010 at 7:57 am Kristin Says:

    My kids would think you are full of the awesomeness…because they LOVE plain peanut butter.

  66. On March 3rd, 2010 at 8:48 am Karin Says:

    They make PLAIN Uncrustables!! Crap! I *NEED* to go find these right now!! I’ve only ever seen grape and strawberry…

  67. On March 3rd, 2010 at 9:00 am JennyMac Says:

    I just signed up!!!


  68. On March 3rd, 2010 at 9:33 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Uncrustables? Really? Am I the only one who is bothered by the fact that they named a children’s snack after a Kevin Costner movie? What’s next? Tatankanana: banana wrapped in buffalo jerky?


  69. On March 3rd, 2010 at 10:18 am Mae Says:


    That is all.

  70. On March 3rd, 2010 at 10:42 am Melanie Says:

    I once drove to 5 different 7-11 stores just to find a Pina Colada Slurpee and then when I found out that it was seasonal I had a full fledged melt down in front of the clerk that couldn’t help but laugh his ass off at me…jerk! And peanut butter and honey just mentioned makes me want to get dressed to go try it! I am not a jelly fan…maybe apple butter! YUM!
    Absolutely love you…Hilarious!

  71. On March 3rd, 2010 at 11:17 am The Only Girl Says:

    I do not know these Uncrustable treats of which you speak. Are they not here in Canada? Have I just never notice them before? More investigation on my part is required.

  72. On March 3rd, 2010 at 12:04 pm Kristine Says:

    I have yet to try the uncrustables…but now, I may have to – in your honor. Especially since there are ones without jelly…I had no idea.

  73. On March 3rd, 2010 at 12:49 pm Sadie at heyMamas Says:

    That post made me laugh the whole way through, especially the part about you running down the beach….

    Too funny!

    Sadie at heyMamas

  74. On March 3rd, 2010 at 2:04 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Me and my Uncrustables, man, we’re TIGHT.

  75. On March 3rd, 2010 at 12:54 pm Carla Says:

    I love me some Uncrustables.

    I had no idea they had plain PB ones though. I need to look harder. I’m a Purple Box gal, myself.

    Just yesterday I pulled one out of the freezer and it sat there. Staring at me. Begging. “Just gnaw through the ice, I’m still tasty!” I don’t think I’ve ever had one at room temp. I can’t hold myself back once I yank it out of the Purple Box.

  76. On March 3rd, 2010 at 2:03 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! This is why you and I will be BFF for LIFE.

  77. On March 3rd, 2010 at 1:34 pm Tracie Says:

    I’ve been searching for vanilla caramel Drumsticks. My son has been known to eat 4 of them a day and I can’t always find them. The only way for me to cure his obsession is to drive 2 hours to The Big City and load all of our coolers up with his favorite. Once I have an upright freezer full of them he will move on to the next Mission Impossible.

  78. On March 3rd, 2010 at 2:01 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yes. And you’ll be left will a full freezer of them. I’ve noticed that I’m not nearly as happy about my Uncrustables now that I’ve got them.

  79. On March 3rd, 2010 at 7:45 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    Hmm, I do have an unnatural love for everything peanut butter, yet have not tried these gems you call Uncrustables.

    And let’s just say I probably would have bled peanut butter when I was pregnant . . .

  80. On March 7th, 2010 at 5:24 pm Kendra Says:

    I’ve never had an Uncrustables, but I’m about to admit something to you that I’ve never admitted to anyone: I spend all year thinking about Bunny Basket Eggs, then I race out to Walgreens immediately and buy several bags. Then whenever I’m at the grocery store, I glance to see if they have them (apparently most people in the world do not have my refined taste and do not appreciate them like I do). For a month or so, I am in candy-coated, marshmallow-like goodness heaven, and then they’re gone again. But I look forward to next year.

    It’s an illness, but not one I’m willing to treat.

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