Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Say Goodbye To BabyHood.


Contrary to my absolute best efforts to make Alex’s first word “fuck head” or “shitballs,” he has defied me yet again and has proven himself both to be his father’s son AND his Aunt Ashley’s Future Husband (well, once she marries and then divorces Uncle Chicken) by his choice of first word.


Between the constant sleep deprivation and extreme hormonal swings, I have absolutely no idea when he became such a sentient being, and I’m admitting to you that it’s freaking me out a hair. People always annoy new parents (and pregnant women, but EVERYTHING annoys a pregnant woman, so I’m not including them in this statement. Seriously, still air annoyed me while I was pregnant, because it JUST SAT THERE WHILE I WAS GESTATING UNCOMFORTABLY! Is there any wonder why, when I mention having another baby in passing to Dave, he weeps and puts on a chastity belt? I didn’t think so) by saying “They grow up so quickly” while dabbing the tears from their eyes.

They say it because it’s fucking true and against all odds, it makes you sort of sad to see the babyhood go away, even to admitted non-baby people such as myself. We ran into a family with a much smaller baby the other day, and even cold (nearly) heartless Aunt Becky got a wee bit misty looking at his tiny perfection (for some reason this one didn’t look like a garden gnome) and reminiscing about when my children were that small and helpless.

The Bumbo and the Boppy need to be packed away with the breast pump (I cannot even begin to achieve letdown with it anymore) and my Breast Friend pillow thing-y, and soon the Saucer and Jumparoo will join them in storage for the one day that we either decide to spawn another terrible sleeper or give it away to friends. Although we’re not getting rid of all of this stuff, I am all too aware that we’re approaching the end of the Alex Is A Baby Era. While I know in my heart this is a Good Thing, I’m just a touch saddened by this.

Soon, he will be walking and I will be planning a first birthday party for him, and in the wink of the blink, he’s going to be in school, have smelly feet, and think that his mother is annoying as all hell. It will be then that I spring into action and try to be the most irritating mother in the world to him: I’m going to show up to school with my hair in curlers and wearing bunny slippers and a ratty robe, drive a mini-van with the vanity plate “Metal Rules” with a light-up skull license plate holder, and try to pepper my vocabulary with as much popular slang as possible.

Er…no, I haven’t been planning this since my first son was born or anything…okay, yes, yes I have.

I mean, they deserve SOME kind of payback for the stretch marks that have been plastered to my body, breasts that will hang down to my knees like oranges in tube socks (once I stop lactating), and the grey hairs that have begun sprouting from my head with alarming frequency, right?


Anything else I can do to annoy them? What am I missing here? What annoyed you most about your parents (and don’t tell me “nothing” because I cannot believe that. My parents allowed me to smoke the ganja, drink booze, forge their signatures to write myself out of class if I needed to and have no set curfew, and STILL I was annoyed by them)?

9 Comments to

“Say Goodbye To BabyHood.”

  1. On January 4th, 2008 at 12:46 pm Gail Says:

    Becky, kitty-cat is a spectacular first word. Dean’s first word was “Al” and his second was “poop”. Great.

    As for what my parents did to ANNOY THE SHIT out of me… they both taught at my high school. You could totally pull that off! None of my friends would come to my house, they knew who all the deadbeats were that I was hanging around with, their friends would tell them EVERYTHING I did. It sucked. I can completely see you in this role. Get your teacher’s certificate NOW.

  2. On January 4th, 2008 at 12:59 pm Cricket Says:

    J’s first word was Sa-a, which was Sadie the cat. I wonder how often pets are first words.

    I still have my breast pump after 10 years. Good for you putting things away.

  3. On January 4th, 2008 at 1:23 pm Manny Says:

    Hi Becky. I found you via Dad Gone Mad. This was a hilarious post! What did my parents do to annoy me? Well, for starters my mom went all gay and had the nerve to be the fem one instead of being butch and bringing a bunch of hot lesbians around her teenage son. My dad? Ummm, I’d have to go with the whole up and dissappearing thing. Yeah.

    Anyway, I’ll be stopping by frequently as long as you keep up the funny and talking about boobies and stuff. Definitely the boobies, though.

  4. On January 4th, 2008 at 1:31 pm Ashley Says:

    Further proof that Alex is the man for me 🙂

  5. On January 4th, 2008 at 3:55 pm Karen Says:

    I still get angry with my dad when I think about one particular thing he did to annoy me. I was a freshman at private high school which was about 40 minutes from my house. Everyday I would take the bus and sit in the front praying that the “cool” older kids would not make fun of me.

    So one morning, the bus doesn’t show up. My dad had a big Suburban at the time so he picked up the bunch of the kids on my bus route and headed up to the school. This included cute Junior boys and popular older girls. Well, my dad proceeded to play some sort of Bert and Ernie sing along tape (which must have belonged to my little sister) and force everyone to sing. If Dad looked in the rear view mirror and someone was not singing, he pulled over until they started singing.

    I thought I was going to die of mortification. And when a Senior boy came up to me in the lunchroom and asked me if I was the girl whose dad makes people sing kids songs, I knew I was going to have to transfer to a new school.

    Of course, my parents were not allowing me to transfer to public school over this incident and I had to deal with the embarrassment. We still talk about in our family and I still get upset about what my dad did.

    And, I think kitty-cat is perfect first word.

  6. On January 4th, 2008 at 4:35 pm Leslee Says:

    Aw. Kitty-cat. My Alex’s first word was dada or some crap. Damn average kid. 😛

    I hated to go grocery shopping with my mom on the weekends. She didn’t have to get up at the asscrack of early on the weekend, so she’d dress in ratty sweats and hold of on showering right away. Of course, we’d run into every person I had ever met while we were out. Heh. My step-dad was just drunk for most of my school career, which wouldn’t have been so bad if he was a nice drunk. I think he might’ve been downright entertaining if he had been.

  7. On January 4th, 2008 at 4:34 pm Heather Says:

    Despite my tireless work, Bean’s first word was Dadda – happened this week as a matter of fact. The MAN’s was ‘big.’ Big what? Big truck (which was his second word).

    There were countless humiliations I endured because of my parents. The one that comes to mind was my first ‘boy/girl’ party in fifth grade. There were like 50 kids there, and my parents came to pick me up in my dad’s ginormous red truck (the ones with the double wheels in rear – those in the good ol’ South will know this truck, I’m sure) that had lights all down the side of it. It looked like a giant spaceship, and that it was rightly called – by all the kids at the party after they laughed me on down the road. I think it must have averaged 2 mpg, it was so huge.

  8. On January 5th, 2008 at 7:59 am Jenn Says:

    I’ve already got naked baby photo albums put together to tease my kids with when they are teenagers, hehe.
    It’s something, isn’t it? How while they are babies you are going, Please grow the hell up NOW so I can sleep, pee and for godsake LIVE like a normal person!” and then they do and you wish you could hold them just a little bit longer. Or something.

    “kitty” was one of my son’s first words but he said “titty” haha.

  9. On January 5th, 2008 at 2:25 pm Emily R Says:

    First, I love visiting here. You crack me up. I remember being surprised at how right they were about kids growing up quickly, because it had annoyed the snot out of me.

    Zach’s first words? “All done,” and he hasn’t eaten much since.

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