Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Words With Friends.


Her: “Morning slore.”

Me: “Hey Girl.”

Her: “Hahahaha!. You just went all Ryan Gosling on me.”

ryan gosling

Me: “Hey giirrrll – I’ll be the cheese to YOUR macaroni.”

(Pauses several seconds)

Me: “Ugh. Just grossed myself out. What are you up to?”

Her: “Oh Em Gee. I have the WORST headache.”

Me: “Dude. Headaches blow.”

Her: “YEAH they do.”

Me: “Sucks, man.”

Her: “Yup.”

Me: “Bet Ryan Gosling could help you with that shit.”

Her: “Doubt it.”

Me: “Shit. I just spilled scalding coffee on my nipple.”

Her: “Did you like it?”

Me: “Kinda.”

Her: “You’re a freak.”

Me: “Eh, Ryan Gosling wouldn’t think so. He’d make that shit into a lampshade.”

(uncomfortable silence)

Her: “Why are we friends?”

(pauses several seconds)

Me: “I have NO idea.”


I wrote this. Apparently? I need help. No, not that kind of help. I HAVE a therapist.

posted under I Suck At Life
9 Comments to

“Words With Friends.”

  1. On September 10th, 2012 at 8:15 am Grace Says:

    There are no words.

  2. On September 10th, 2012 at 9:24 am thepsychobabble Says:


  3. On September 10th, 2012 at 9:31 am Joannie Says:

    Hahahahahahaha. Hilarious.

  4. On September 10th, 2012 at 9:52 am Cindy Says:


  5. On September 10th, 2012 at 10:49 am CycleNinja Says:

    I wonder if he also has a wallet made of face (I stole that expression, but I love it.)

  6. On September 10th, 2012 at 11:17 am roxie Says:

    I thought Ryan would want to wear it as a hat… Or was that Bruno Kirby?

  7. On September 10th, 2012 at 4:27 pm Triplezmom Says:

    I’m going to have really weird dreams tonight. I’m going to blame you.

  8. On September 11th, 2012 at 3:20 am Gin Says:

    I could see this exact conversation … including silences … taking place between my sisters and I. We are just that cracked as well.

  9. On September 12th, 2012 at 8:32 pm alexis (You can call me Al) Says:

    You’re right that some of the most important things go on. I’m NOT alluding to that goshawful song from “Titanic,” by the way.

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