Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



Pranksters, I miss you.

I feel like my life these days is one gigantic [redacted] symbol (if it’s not a symbol, it should be). Each day, I come here, sit at my computer for an hour, cursor blinking merrily on the blank page, as I try desperately to tell you something – anything. For years, writing here has been the only thing that’s kept me sane, and now, I’ve lost my words.

Day in and day out, I sit here, typing, deleting, [redacting] and eventually, publishing something that even I know is bullshit. It’s not for lack of trying, which makes me more infuriated. But my head these days is swimming, overwhelmed, full of the sads. I try to pluck words from the mush left between my ears and they don’t work together. They simply don’t fit. And I know it.

I hate living a [redacted] life. I’m not a [redacted] kind of person. I love being an open book. I’ve always loved being an open book.

But when shit gets serious, I retreat. I put myself in the [redacted] corner and pull inside. Nothing gets in or out. It’s the time I most need people and yet, I cannot even form the words to say so.

This is bullshit.

I cannot live this way. It’s become readily apparent that living a [redacted] life is more harmful to me than it is helpful. Retreating to my [redacted] corner leaves me shaky and hyperventilating.

So it’s time to un[redact] my life.

Pranksters, lock up your cupcakes and hide your vodka: Aunt Becky’s back.

68 Comments to


  1. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:21 pm Kristina Says:

    I hope everything is okay. Glad you’re back.

  2. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:24 pm Angi Says:

    Bring it! 🙂

  3. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:24 pm Angie Uncovered Says:

    It’s just a bout of self-preservation hon! I think most of us do this from time to time while we’re sorting things out in our heads, ESPECIALLY when we are full of the sads. I just finished my last cupcake and I won’t share my vodka with you ever… EVER… unless you bring a mixer. Then you’re in the club.
    Secret knock is like this:
    Knock. Knock. It’s Me. I have Mixer.

  4. On September 29th, 2011 at 2:13 pm Txtingmrdarcy Says:

    LOL, I want to be at that party. Great comment. 🙂

  5. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:25 pm No Good Says:

    Mere words can not express how much I love you! I’ll kick Disneyland’s ass for you this weekend.

  6. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:28 pm JW Moxie Says:

    You know how I was all HERE I AM on my blog for a while, and then all the shit happened and I disappeared? It’s because I react in EXACTLY the same way you do. I suck myself into a little dark hole and don’t want to reach out, but at the same time I need people to reach in and just sit with me in the dark for a while.

    So, I get it.

    xoxoxo Welcome back, but if you need to disappear again, you know everyone’s still there waiting with you just the same.

  7. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:29 pm Irant Says:

    Ruh, roh, George!

    Throw whatever you want up there – you could build metaphorical monuments of shit to false gods (including fiscally conservative Republicans and female orgasms) and I’d still read it!

    Oh, and if you sell a [Redacted] t-shirt, I’d probably buy it…


  8. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:33 pm Very Rusty Brown Says:

    Becks, you’re always welcome here. Bring the crotch parasites down to visit the new Legoland and we’ll share a few adult beverages whilst they play. Big hugs and an f’book poke to you!


  9. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:36 pm Erin Says:

    I knew something was missing from my life lately, turns out it was Aunt Becky! We are here for you as you are so many times for us. If you can’t leave [redacted], then we can come to [redacted] for you. That’s what Pranksters do.

  10. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:37 pm melanie Says:

    Bring it on Aunt Becky, and if you need to shake things up a bit, pack up those kiddos and road trip down to kansas city and surely we can find enough stuff to do and see that will provide blog fodder no? *hugs*

  11. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:39 pm Auntie Dee Says:

    SYWM-Holy Sweet Baby J…you had me going there for a minute. Pangs of worry that you were telling me you were leaving us! So sorry things are super sucky for you right now.

  12. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:42 pm Leslie Says:

    Wait, isn’t that the exact reason we break OUT the mother fucking cupcakes and extra vodka just in case we all need it? Cupcakes and vodka may not fix the sads but they sure as hell can’t hurt! 🙂 xoxo

  13. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:49 pm andy Says:

    Your pranksters are here for you!!!

  14. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:50 pm Liz Says:

    If you want cupcakes and vodka, I’m a good enabler. Also brownie in a mug. They are full of the awesome road to diabetes, but excellent with strong coffee. A study was recently done showing that drinking at least two cups of coffee wards off depression. So if coffee is now even better for you than it already was, cupcakes and vodka must be too.

    (redacted) is a far too lonely place that leads to further (redacted) issues.

  15. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:52 pm Ami Says:

    *hugs* Bring it baby. I’m so sorry the [redacted]s got you. Time to show those b1tches whose boss. Bring it baby and I’ll bring the cupcakes (sorry outta vodka). 😀

  16. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:56 pm Amber Says:

    I, too, get it. Being an open book is part of me, but when the shit hits the fan? It’s almost easier to hide inside a shell, like a turtle. Glad you are back, but we understand if you need to retreat or [redact] again.

  17. On September 29th, 2011 at 1:57 pm Anthony from CharismaticKid Says:

    Yay! But what does [redacted] mean?

  18. On September 29th, 2011 at 2:12 pm Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Whew. I was beginning to think all my extra vodka and cupcakes were going to go to waste.

  19. On September 29th, 2011 at 2:14 pm Trini Says:

    Oh Aunt Becky.

    First of all, hugs! Secondly, I make good alcohol inspired (infused?) cupcakes. I will send you a batch of Irish Cream or Pina Colada or Champagne cupcakes any time.

    You’ve always been here for us when we need someone else to talk to, whether it’s here in your Go Ask Aunt Becky section or over at Band Back Together. Now it’s time for us to come and love on you. Because you’re awesome and you deserve as much support as you give.

    I know how easy it is to retreat and keep all the sads to yourself; mainly because I do it too. But keeping these things on your chest usually only makes it feel worse. If you feel like you can’t publish freely because you’ll be rebuked or it’ll come out in a way that affects your day to day life negatively, you could always password protect posts and select who gets to read them 🙂

    Lots of love to you,

  20. On September 29th, 2011 at 2:16 pm Txtingmrdarcy Says:

    Feeling |redacted| sometimes is completely normal. I had to warn my 2.5 readers that I’d be going |redacted| as a result of wedding planning sucking so many monkeyballs. People behaved horribly and I couldn’t bring myself to write happy glittery unicorn things when I was so pissed.

    I blame our parents. “If you can’t find anything nice to blog about, don’t blog about anything at all.”

  21. On September 29th, 2011 at 2:25 pm Twisted Domestic Goddess Says:

    oh Aunt Becky I love you!!! I would break out the cupcakes and vodka for you. We can live a redacted life together. I’ve been feeling the same way lately.

  22. On September 29th, 2011 at 2:26 pm Gamanda Says:

    You grab that [redacted] by its hair and you make it your bitch!

    Also, it’s kind of fun to insert random words into all of you [redacted]s in this post.

  23. On September 29th, 2011 at 3:17 pm Kelley Says:

    Here’s to your bravery and un{redacted} life! You ROCK!

  24. On September 29th, 2011 at 3:20 pm Elly Lou Says:

    I am giddy in anticipation. My fists are full of glitter just waiting to be flung.

  25. On September 29th, 2011 at 4:05 pm Alyssa Says:

    Do you think it would be too much cuppycake if we had some cupcake flavored vodka too? Wait!! What I am thinking, there is never such a thing as to much cupcakeness! I also hide and close in on myself when things get to be overwhelming and all face full of balls (not the good kind duh!), so I can get where you’re coming from and it can suck beyond belief. I’m sure everyone will agree that we’re all here for you, just like you’ve always been there for all of us. So take that [redacted] throw it on the floor, stomp the living crap out of it, hell let mr. sprinkles pee on it and know that Aunt Becky is the shit.

  26. On September 29th, 2011 at 4:11 pm Hi, I'm Natalie. Says:

    Oh, sweetie. *hugs* (We’re all in the same boat – and we adore you. Be well.)

  27. On September 29th, 2011 at 4:20 pm Dianne Says:

    Vodka and cupcakes are on my bed side table. Thats how i role!!!!!

  28. On September 29th, 2011 at 4:44 pm AprilDlicious Says:

    Come on, let’s go. Right now. Get up. Rip the band-aid off and let’s go drink a bottle of vodka and go a’pranking. That’s what you need! Let’s go raise some hell and pretend to feel better. Then you can go dig through the shit and do what you gotta do. I wish I lived closer so we could make this happen. But in the mean time, dig in your heels and refuse to {redact}! ((Hugs))

  29. On September 29th, 2011 at 5:28 pm Joules Says:

    I love you and I so totally get this. Especially around this time of year.
    True kickassery = a depressed person speaking up, reaching out,.
    And you can have all my vodka and pretty much anything else I own, but you best be stepping slowly away from the cupcakes.

  30. On September 29th, 2011 at 5:54 pm JTook Says:

    I’m not hiding anything! Come on over! I’ll even bake for you 🙂

  31. On September 29th, 2011 at 5:55 pm seekingelevation Says:

    Life’s hard. Sorry it’s been harder than usual for you lately. That’s bullshit. xoxo

  32. On September 29th, 2011 at 6:21 pm amy Says:

    We love you AB!

  33. On September 29th, 2011 at 7:27 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    Lock up the cupcakes and hide the vodka? Forget that nonsense. Extra cupcakes and extra vodka for everyone!

    As a side note, did you know that UV makes a cupcake flavored vodka? How awesome is that?

  34. On September 29th, 2011 at 7:31 pm Varda (SquashedMom) Says:

    Ah, Becky, we are so alike in this. When I get quiet and pull up inside my turtle shell? All is seriously not good. Nothing makes me happier, connects me to my truest self like writing. And yet when I most need to sometimes, I just won’t let myself. I sit down at the computer and play 50 rounds of Scramble or master a new level of Plants vs. Zombies instead.

    I am so glad you are pushing through. Looking forward to more words.

  35. On September 29th, 2011 at 7:50 pm Leslie Says:

    Your words will come when it’s time. Have faith! Sending a hug through the interwebs. 🙂

  36. On September 29th, 2011 at 8:26 pm magpie Says:

    Hey, thinking of you. You are full of the awesome, and I’m sorry you’re mired in [redacted].

  37. On September 29th, 2011 at 8:51 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    Yea! Aunt Becky’s back, bitches!

  38. On September 29th, 2011 at 9:31 pm Jessica B Says:

    Aw AB, I’m so sorry you’re feeling sad. Wish I could say something awesome to lift you up a bit. Take your time, your words will come back. Just know that we’ll all still be here if you need a minute to get yourself feeling better. And we’ll all be here if you need anything. 🙂

  39. On September 29th, 2011 at 9:52 pm Kristin Says:

    We need to talk my friend. I’ve missed you too.

  40. On September 29th, 2011 at 9:57 pm Dawnie Says:

    Imma leave the cupcakes out on the counter with the good silverware and fancy plates. Just for you Aunt Becky!

  41. On September 29th, 2011 at 10:42 pm Working Mommy Says:

    oh AB…sometimes we all need time to ourselves…it just so happens that your blinking cursor is the way to go for you. if you ever need anything – a cupcake (no, you’d have to fight Lulu); a bowl of spaghetti (no, you’d have to fight Bubba); a Jim and Coke (wait, you’d have to fight The Man); or a few shots of vodka (I’m always willing to share my stash of bottles…line em up, babe!!) – you can come back to MD…really, VA…and we’ll have a par-tay!!


  42. On September 29th, 2011 at 11:04 pm Alexis Says:

    Dearest Auntie Becky,
    One of my dad’s favorite libations is Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. (Keep in mind that my dad would resort to vanilla extract or mouthwash if they were the only potent drinks on hand.)
    My dad and my Uncle Steve, and sometimes even my Uncle Scott, once they have a good buzz going, like to holler out “Pay Lay Ale” each time they takea sip of the stuff. It’s an apparent allusion to the Mormon temple ceremony, through which all of them have been. There’s some point where everyone shouts “Pay Lay Ale” three times, or something like that.

    Anyway, bottom line is that you should write what amd when you want and you should also drink what and when you want. If you run out of choices, try Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.

    Your niece,

  43. On September 30th, 2011 at 12:02 am Ann Burr Says:

    Hang in there. You’re not alone,. Do what you gotta do to get yourself happy. Let us know if we can help with that.


  44. On September 30th, 2011 at 1:08 am JennJenn Says:

    Clearly I’m the only person in the known universe that doesn’t know what redacted means.
    And neither does my thesaurus… which is odd because everyone else here seems to get it.
    In which case I have a sh*ty thesaurus!

  45. On September 30th, 2011 at 3:12 am Penbleth Says:

    I’m so sorry you are going through the sads. I don’t have a witty comment, just loads of good wishes that you begin to feel more yourself.

  46. On September 30th, 2011 at 7:58 am Sarah P Says:

    Well, shit. Now I feel the need to make vodka cupcakes.

  47. On September 30th, 2011 at 8:24 am Martha Says:

    I feel like I need to be the voice of reason here…cupcakes will only making you fat…


    That is all.

  48. On September 30th, 2011 at 8:58 am Cindy Says:

    AB, I love you. I just love you. *****flings glitter*****

  49. On September 30th, 2011 at 9:12 am Tom Says:

    I’m not gonna lock up my vodka … I’m going to buy an extra pint and put your name on it with a sticky pad, push it way to the back of the shelf and know that it’s there. In case I need it. You ROCK!

  50. On September 30th, 2011 at 9:40 am Marta Says:

    We love you so much and we’re here ready to read [redacted] and even not redacted posts (that are still brilliant). I love being an open book too, except its hard when you want so bad to tell everyone everything, but you know you shouldn’t. Hope everything’s okay, I’ve hidden my vodka already.

  51. On September 30th, 2011 at 10:43 am Paula @ thewilyweez Says:

    Everyone will still be here for you, even when you lose your words.

  52. On September 30th, 2011 at 10:53 am KJ Collard Says:



    I brought extra vodka, bitch! 🙂


  53. On September 30th, 2011 at 10:57 am ArykaNotErika Says:

    Fuck yeah mama. We have been waiting for you. But we also respect your need to go into your coccoon and recharge, reload and refocus. It’s time for CHANGE !

  54. On September 30th, 2011 at 11:05 am Barnmaven Says:

    I want to say something that sounds really supportive but I also want to say something funny so that you’ll laugh and feel better, but my brain is not functioning well enough to think of anything funny this morning with the possible exception that I realized this week that the one thing my ex took when he moved out that I really do miss the most was his nose hair trimmer. I should have hidden that from him when he packed.

  55. On September 30th, 2011 at 11:11 am Quinn Says:

    Bring it on, Becky!

  56. On September 30th, 2011 at 12:05 pm Dawn Says:

    It’s okay. We all need to redact our little butts into the corner from time to time. The sads suck, but they don’t last. Even divorce sads. Merry pranksters know this and they wait patiently. They may look a trifle creepy while doing it, but they know where the vodka is hidden, so it’s all good.

  57. On September 30th, 2011 at 1:08 pm Tracie Says:

    I retreat, pull back, and redact when the seriousness starts (usually followed by the blinking cursor doom when the words can’t come), so I get it.

    Glad to see you back, open, and unredacted.

    I’ve got some vodka with your name on it.

  58. On September 30th, 2011 at 1:09 pm Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting Says:

    Oh, I do the EXACT same thing – retreat into a [redacted] version of myself, afraid to open up. I’m glad to hear you’re back, and I hope you’re alright. xo

  59. On September 30th, 2011 at 1:26 pm Marian Allen Says:

    If the sads came and got you because of the peace that moved in the other day, please don’t just ditch the peace. Talk to that medicine man (or medicine Mother) and see if you can be unredacted AND relatively peacified. Those mushy sads are total bullshit and need to shut their redacted mouths. HUGS to our AB!

  60. On September 30th, 2011 at 2:36 pm Robin | Farewell, Stranger Says:

    I wish I could bring you a case of Diet Coke so we could sit and drink it and talk.

    Spill it, sister.

  61. On September 30th, 2011 at 3:27 pm Caroline Says:

    Aunt Becky, You are the apple in my applesauce, the creamer in my coffee, and the mother fucking tiger in my eye. You are AWESOMESAUCE. I, along with your Band of Merry Pranksters will love you 4EVA!

    PS-FL is not too far away for a flight. And the weather is turning a corner so it’s not as ball sticky hot as it was 2 weeks ago. I can no longer steam an artichoke in my bra.

  62. On September 30th, 2011 at 9:41 pm Dana Says:


  63. On October 1st, 2011 at 10:04 am Quietgirl Amy Whatnot Says:

    Girl I wondered- like you’re going through SO much shit, that you not just should be getting support with it from us- but Need to! Go represent all of us who are struggling with real shit- and can say it’s balls hard, but shit, we’re still here to write about it!

  64. On October 3rd, 2011 at 10:05 am LocoYaya Says:

    little dark holes suck. i stay in ’em too. sorry you are feeling shitty AB.

  65. On October 3rd, 2011 at 1:54 pm Denise Says:

    We love ya and are here for ya babe.

  66. On October 4th, 2011 at 7:46 am Satan Says:

    we love you, and i’m so glad you’re back.

  67. On October 20th, 2011 at 3:30 am Kathleen Says:

    WhooHoooo! Glad yer back!

  68. On December 28th, 2011 at 11:29 am - Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] I took a comment I’d gotten in January of this year and explained that it had caused me to live a [redacted] life. […]

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