Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Quick! Dial 9-1, Wait For The Screams, Then Dial The Last 1


So, Internet, did you hear? There’s this big ass conference this weekend about blogging (dude. How lame does THAT sound? SHUT UP) and it’s in Chicago and at least 103% of the Internet is going. I won’t dare say it’s name, lest I annoy everyone more than they already are, but let’s just say it rhymes with “FlogHer.”

But I’m going, in fact, because I am Super Becky Overachiever, I am going down to the city on Wednesday night so that I can peel myself out of bed the following morning to go to this Ford-Motor-Car thingy. I’m not really sure what it is, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s very James-Bondy and I might be doing death-defying stunts and saving the planet from peril. I’ll be like Jack Bauer, WITH A (floppy) VAGINA.

You’ll be happy to say that “you knew me when.” Hell, maybe you can even raffle off the comments I leave on your blog for big ca$h money! Rock. Music!

Or maybe, just maybe, we’re forming focus groups to discuss What Women Want In A Car, which is not nearly as Double O Aunt Becky as I thought. Like at all. THIS is why I need someone to read the fine print FOR me, since I am obviously not capable of it whatsoever. But whatever, it should be fun as hell. Even if I’m doing the opposite of fighting The Terrorists.

What I cannot believe is that for the first time in 4 years, I am going to go away for 3 nights. 3! whole! nights! without my children. I plan to spend the time either blitzed out and drooling in bed–alone–or running around like a previously caged beast.

[excruciatingly pointless details redacted for boringness]

Let’s just leave this at this: I haven’t been out of the house without my kids for an extended period of time in 3 years. This will change soon either way, because I plan to either get a double stroller and force my wee beasties in it, or become independently wealthy, whichever comes first.

(I figure the wealth will, no doubt, buy me some Wild Baby Handlers)

This means that since I quit my last job as a nurse case manager 3 years ago, I haven’t been required to be in public for any length of time. Sure, I do go out and about, but only for short periods of time, and always with a purpose.

While other people may be afraid of not having anyone to talk to or eating alone or maybe they’re afraid of a gigantic gaggle of women (shit, right?) all in one place, I’m afraid I might soil myself. Or streak. Or soil myself while streaking.

It’s been so long since I’ve been in public, what if I can’t remember not to pick people up and gnaw on their necks while blowing raspberries? Or what if I check to make sure YOU haven’t pooped your pants by popping a finger down your crack and looking for the telltale smudgey pooness? Or worse: what if I just bend down and smell your ass?


What if I have gotten so used to being with small kids that I try to cut up your steak or try and airplane your mashed potatoes into your mouth? What if I nag you to put your cup away and finish your drink?

Maybe I should take some sage advice given to me on Facebook and just roofie the hell out of myself and take to bed for 3 days. Then I couldn’t shame myself in a room full of bloggers who could happily report on my misdeeds for days. Which, wouldn’t you?

I would.

(also: completely unrelated segue leading to pictures of my babies, if listening to an a cappella version of “Don’t Stop Believin'” is wrong, Internet, I don’t want to be right)


Turn off the fucking Journey, Mom. This is child abuse!

Oh, and maybe you want to see who *I* am so that you can properly identify me and run like hell, lest I come over and nom your ears?


(whispered voice-over from guy with indiscriminate European accent: “so, we’ve cornered the Aunt Becky in her natural habitat. Here, let’s ply her with vodka and cupcakes. QUICK, NOW INJECT THE SEDATIVE! WHEW, that was a close one! Wild Aunt Becky’s should be approached with care.”)

Except I’m fatter now. Also: will not be wearing my wedding dress. I am saving it to wear to my BFF Pashmina’s wedding. Because wedding dress = something you wear to a wedding, right?


56 Comments to

“Quick! Dial 9-1, Wait For The Screams, Then Dial The Last 1”

  1. On July 21st, 2009 at 10:17 am Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    How is it that I’ve just discovered you this week? Blasphemous. We’ll make out, or rather, make up for that this weekend. THIS. WEEKEND.

  2. On July 21st, 2009 at 10:46 am Quick! Dial 9-1, Wait For The Screams, Then Dial The Last 1 | Fashion e Music Blog Says:

    […] Read the rest here:  Quick! Dial 9-1, Wait For The Screams, Then Dial The Last 1 […]

  3. On July 21st, 2009 at 10:49 am Amber Says:

    Three days away from your kids? I just had my first night away from my baby and it was awful. I thought I would enjoy the peace and quiet, but I couldn’t sleep knowing that my baby was five zillion (okay, maybe only 100) miles away. Just try to remember, when speaking to adults, it’s best not to make funny faces or raspberry noises (I’ve had to stop myself a few times.)

  4. On July 21st, 2009 at 10:21 am Megan Says:

    I am so glad to know that I am not the only one who sniffs her baby’s butt to check for poop……

  5. On July 21st, 2009 at 10:23 am ainebegonia Says:

    Not wearing your wedding dress to BlogHer? What a shame, think of all the attention that would have gotten you.

  6. On July 21st, 2009 at 10:38 am Jennifer Says:

    I would be doing the same exact things if I was going. And I would totally let you smell my butt, if you didn’t me clapping for every single thing you did all weekend long. My kids like clapping.

  7. On July 21st, 2009 at 11:40 am ryanandjoesmom Says:

    Totally stalking you this weekend! And since Chi Town is so small – totally going to find you and have many a beverage.

    I’ve been MIA for a couple weeks, but back now – you will never get rid of me. Just got caught up on the Amelia posts. I am so pleased – with a cherry on top – as to the awesome outcome.


  8. On July 21st, 2009 at 11:41 am Kristina Says:

    Have you ever done the finger down the diaper thing and known 100% FOR SURE it’s poopy, b/c there is now poop on your finger? No? Good, me either.

    Have fun this weekend!

  9. On July 21st, 2009 at 10:45 am amy d Says:

    I would love nothing more than to spend this weekend in down town Chicago (my fave city btw), drinking cocktails in hopes of catching a glimpse of the alllusive Aunt Becky since I have no tickets, nor do I even “get” whet the hell BlogHer is!

    Have a ball Chickie:)

  10. On July 21st, 2009 at 11:58 am Merritt Says:

    Totally not going to BlogHer. So sadly, I’ll have to continue stalking you from afar. But the prospect of no kids for 3 days is just…in a word, awesome.

  11. On July 21st, 2009 at 11:01 am Michelle Says:

    Have a blast!!

  12. On July 21st, 2009 at 12:04 pm Notesfromthegrove Says:

    Dear Wild Aunt Becky,

    Remember these words: KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF.

    That oughtta keep you out of trouble.

    Oh and P.S. I’m super bummed I won’t be there. Next year, perhaps?

  13. On July 21st, 2009 at 11:13 am daisybv2 Says:

    Have a great time Aunt Becky…. I should come to the city as I live about oh 30 minutes from it and drink some vodka with such a famous Person….

  14. On July 21st, 2009 at 12:16 pm Badass Geek Says:

    You can smell my ass anytime.

  15. On July 21st, 2009 at 12:22 pm Lola Says:

    You lost me at “Floppy VAGINA”!!! Make sure you keep THAT hidden…

  16. On July 21st, 2009 at 11:24 am C @ Kid Things Says:

    It’s not the actual conference that I’m jealous of everyone attending, it’s how you all get to be by YOURSELF. As in, WITHOUT CHILD. In a bed, BY YOURSELF. Eating, BY YOURSELF. Peeing, BY YOURSELF. I am green with envy.

  17. On July 21st, 2009 at 11:34 am Creepy Mommy Says:

    Let that ass sniffing begin! Just kids, you’ll be awesome. Don’t have *too* much fun without me. BlogHer 10 is what it’s all about, missy.

    Um, PS, you are super freaking pretty, I’m not so sure we can be friends after all….

    OH, WAIT! Were you listening to the Glee Don’t Stop Believing!?! Cause I’m truly, deeply, madly in love with that show!

  18. On July 21st, 2009 at 11:35 am Lippy Says:

    My only significant time away from my kids is my job, teaching. So not only would I sniff butts, I would also repeat myself endlessly, remind everyone to take turns talking and tell everyone to use respectful language. So basically my job is just like being a mom, except for the poop…..usually. Have an awesome time.

  19. On July 21st, 2009 at 11:44 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Sadly only 102% of the Internets will be there. I won’t be there to see you streak or check me for poo. Damn.

    Have fun!

  20. On July 21st, 2009 at 12:05 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    I wish I could be there to have you smell my butt and cut up my steak! Have a great time! You’ll be awesome and everyone will love you and steal you away from me. *sniff*

    Can’t wait to hear how it went!

  21. On July 21st, 2009 at 12:07 pm a Says:

    We don’t usually have to actually sniff the butt at our house, as the smell has its own mobility and comes to find us. Although, my friend tells me that she learned that trick from me.

    I wish I were coming to Chicago for the weekend. I miss Chicago. The food is better there.

  22. On July 21st, 2009 at 12:18 pm kat Says:

    have fun! take loooooooong, quiet showers and pee with the door closed!

  23. On July 21st, 2009 at 12:28 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Have fun! I’ll be watching the live BlogHer tweets from my house, alone with my kids while that bastard DH swans off for a mens only camping weekend.

    not that I am bitter or anything

  24. On July 21st, 2009 at 12:37 pm Gail Says:

    Oo! Can I wear MY wedding dress to Pashmina’s wedding?? It’s purple with ostrich feathers…

  25. On July 21st, 2009 at 12:38 pm lady lemon Says:

    You can smell my ass any time. Have fun!

  26. On July 21st, 2009 at 12:51 pm Danielle Says:

    AHAHAHAHA! I can just PICTURE the whole “did you poop your pants” scene going down! Make sure you have a buddy and tell your buddy not to allow you to go ANYWHERE without her!

    The first time I went out without my kids, I think I threw up in the car. The amount of alcohol I use to drink did NOT equal the amount of alcohol I COULD drink that night. Just saying…

    Have SO much fun and tell everyone Beautiful Mess says HI!

  27. On July 21st, 2009 at 12:58 pm sharon Says:

    u’re so effing cute! have a blast – wish i was going!

  28. On July 21st, 2009 at 1:26 pm Mwa Says:

    103% of the internet, only not me! SOB! (That was sob as in weep, cry, not as in Son of a Bitch, even though both would have been appropriate.)

  29. On July 21st, 2009 at 1:32 pm Tara Says:

    Shit I’d go just to meet you and nom nom on your ears. And of course I’d let you check my crack to see if I soiled myself.

    Haha your post made me laugh my ass off here at work, I’m now walking around assless. Thanks a lot Aunt Becky!

  30. On July 21st, 2009 at 1:37 pm nic @mybottlesup Says:

    wear the veil.

  31. On July 21st, 2009 at 2:45 pm Jill Says:

    Why have I not discovered you before today? I totally blame Karly who only just introduced me to you in advance of our big dinner out tomorrow night. There will be tapas (not topless… unless you’re into that kind of thing) and sangria, and I’m guessing by the tone of your blog and Karly’s and mine, a lot of loudness and laughing. Looking forward to meeting you!

  32. On July 21st, 2009 at 3:07 pm Jill Says:

    Dude! I just noticed where you live on your Blogger profile. I live about 30 miles away! Also in the Chicago burbs. What a small world!

  33. On July 21st, 2009 at 2:21 pm Jenn Says:

    I wish I could be there but I’ll live vicariously through you. Large crowds of women and all…

  34. On July 21st, 2009 at 2:28 pm Juli D. Says:

    I kinda wish that I lived closer or that I was witty enough to have a blog just so I could justify a meeting. Other than that, I totally read yours every day & I even got you to confirm me as a friend on Facebook so I could stalk you a little more (scared a little?).

    Have fun at Beaverfest. You know you are going to come back all inspired & have plenty to gab about. And I know that I will be following your every word since I love your humor.

    On a related note, I totally lost it on “floppy Vagina”! And seeing as I work with nothing but guys & I am hollering about floppy vagina’s, they came running… It was not very pretty…

  35. On July 21st, 2009 at 3:44 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Wow. This is going to be fun. And I’m betting you’re going to spend at least a few hours, lying alone on a bed with the remote control in one hand and a drink in the other, reveling in the freedom.
    Have so much fun!
    Nom ears for me.

  36. On July 21st, 2009 at 3:57 pm Mel Says:

    3 Days! We want a full report, poop checks and all.

  37. On July 21st, 2009 at 5:21 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Wait… there’s a conference this weekend? And it’s about blogging?

    And there will be women there too?

    I didn’t even know women were capable of using computers!

  38. On July 21st, 2009 at 5:41 pm Kristin Says:

    Dear Aunt Becky, I promise not to report any of those things if you let me stow away in a suitcase. I WANNA GO TO BLOGHER!

  39. On July 21st, 2009 at 7:44 pm Inna Says:

    I’m a little jealous about not going to “FlogHer”… sniff sniff

    Have a blast though, I will live vicariously through your post-posts about it.

  40. On July 21st, 2009 at 7:47 pm Mug Says:

    Aunt Becky, you crack my shit up.

  41. On July 21st, 2009 at 8:43 pm AlmostMrsJoyner Says:

    Awww..Im sad Im not going to BlogHer & it’s so close..Maybe next year..I wanna get the Wild Aunt B’s autograph..having fun sniffing ass!!
    PS: You are so pretty, why not wear the wedding dress? It’d be a great conversation starter.

  42. On July 21st, 2009 at 9:30 pm Sandy Says:

    Oh, I hate it when I stick my finger in Oscar’s diaper, swish it around, and get a little surprise.

    I need me some wild baby handlers. If I had myself a little entourage, I would have six babies like Angelia Jolie. Just me–Oscar is kicking my ass.

  43. On July 22nd, 2009 at 6:27 am Amanda Says:

    yep…just discovered your blog. I love you. See you tomorrow! I can’t wait for the next installment……

  44. On July 22nd, 2009 at 7:04 am Dot Says:

    Wish I was going. Have a great time!

  45. On July 22nd, 2009 at 7:40 am Nancy Says:

    I asked Vodka Mom to give you a hug and big fat wet sloppy kiss from me. Tongue is optional.

  46. On July 22nd, 2009 at 9:48 am Io Says:

    Ack! So fracking excited.

  47. On July 22nd, 2009 at 11:10 am Coco Says:


    I want my Aunt Becky.

  48. On July 22nd, 2009 at 11:13 am jill Says:

    hahaha i just found your blog and i gotta say you’re awesome!

  49. On July 22nd, 2009 at 12:43 pm Lisa Bond Says:

    What is cooler than having a best friend named Pashmina?

  50. On July 22nd, 2009 at 1:45 pm heather Says:

    Have a great time!

  51. On July 22nd, 2009 at 4:03 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Oh man, I so wish I was gonna be attending the festival of the vagina.

    I will be in town, however, so if you see a girl with blonde hair accompanied by a giant boy and a smaller one, give her a holler.

    Hope you have a great time.

  52. On July 22nd, 2009 at 4:03 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    BTW, I love your Charlie’s Angels pose.

  53. On July 23rd, 2009 at 7:52 am sky Says:

    I’m sorry that I’m late to reading this ’cause it really made me laugh. Some year, I’m going to have to go to Blogher and see what all the commotion is about. 🙂

  54. On July 23rd, 2009 at 11:15 am Kendra Says:

    I’d never heard of BlogHer until a few months ago; apparently it’s taking over the universe!

    I actually snorted at the poop-checking, which was hard to explain to all my wee kids eating their lunch at the time. I’m totally jealous of your trip; I have had exactly one night away from kids since my oldest was born almost 6 years ago–if you don’t count the time I spent in the hospital birthing the other two.

    Have fun, and I can’t wait to hear about it!

  55. On July 26th, 2009 at 9:32 pm Katy Says:

    LOL I can so relate to feeling pure bliss at having some alone time away from home. Came over to your blog from CakeWrecks–once I started reading I couldn’t stop. LOL

  56. On July 27th, 2009 at 1:08 pm Suffia Says:

    That weding pic? Tracey Ullman … that’s all I’m saying.

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