Mommy Wants Vodka

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Queen Of Inappropriateness


Now, Internet, I’m going to let you in on a little secret here because I know I can trust you, baby. It may come as a shock to those of you who have read me since the beginning, so brace yourselves: I am not always very appropriate.

I know. I know. Pick your chins up off the floor and dust that dog hair out of your mouth. It’s true.

Whether it’s calling a vagina “floppy beef curtains,” calling my unborn daughter a “crotch parasite,” or referring to the home in which I live as “The Sausage Factory,” I can be downright, well, CRUDE. I happen to consider this a plus. It wins me some friends, it weeds out people I’d probably consider boring and well, it makes me who I am. Rude and crude.

But even someone as uncouth as I am has boundaries. Specifically, I don’t go around telling complete random strangers about things that they may consider to be a little disturbing, even if I’m really desperate to share how Dave and I did some kinky role playing last night and he was the Easter Bunny and I was a Pineapple and it was effing hot.

Aunt Becky, you might argue, you BLOG about this sort of thing where all the world and Baby Jesus and your parents can even see it, and you’d be right. The difference between blogging here on my own blog to my audience and telling some poor guileless cashier about how the Monistat was REALLY for my SON is that you all can click away quickly if I start talking about something you don’t want to hear about. Then you can quickly delete me from your reader.

While the cashier can technically do so, it would probably be frowned upon by his management, so he’s just stuck there, ringing up the Monistat and tampons and blushing furiously and trying desperately not to think of the gross crotchal region of the woman handing him money.

Moving on with a totally awkward segue into my REAL post…

When I was early on in my college career, after spending many years working as a waitress, I wanted a break from the serving industry. But since I’ve yet to become an heiress, I still needed a jobby-job so I applied and began working for a vet. Being an animal lover since I was probably an embryo, I figured working the front desk for a vet’s office would be pretty flipping sweet, especially since it didn’t involve burning the hell out of my hands with hot plates.

The job itself was fine, but I was made miserable by one of the sea hags that worked there, Melissa. She’d been the target of the office hatred, so when I showed up, she rather quickly began to take out all of her frustrations and hatorade on me. This job, it was not turning out to be grand. So much so that I did quit it to go back to serving within a couple of months, burnt hands be damned!

But while I was there, I got to see how the other half really lives. I mean, of course, the RABID animal people.

While I’d always considered myself an “animal person” even going so far as to think of becoming a vet until I learned that they make surprisingly crappy money for a shit ton of work, I had no. freaking. idea.

Sure, I’d seen those bumper stickers and sweatshirts with kooky cats and stupid sayings on them. I’d seen the specialty shops devoted to dogs and cats and the people who loved them. Hell, we have a doggie bakery here in town, so I know that these people do exist.

But I never, ever could conceive of true the level of craziness.

At our vet’s office, we had attracted a True Crazy (wonder if HER pharmacist knows!). I don’t remember her name, but I’ll call her Janine for this story’s sake. Janine bred dogs, Weimaraners to be specific, easily one of the most gorgeous dogs on the planet. In addition to breeding them, she also showed them in dog shows.

She was a nice enough lady, although I’d been warned that she was nutso by the other staff, I gave her a chance. A chance, of course, to prove the other staff right.

One night at 8:01 PM, coincidentally a minute after we’d closed for the night Janine called up in an absolute panic. One of her dogs, she bellowed into the phone, one of her dogs was running a fever! And she must come in RIGHT NOW and NOT WAIT UNTIL MORNING FOR A REAL APPOINTMENT. She’d be there in 8 minutes!!

Fuck, man, I thought. I just wanted to go home and I had to stay there until she left. Oh well. Whatever. I’ll make an extra 2 bucks sitting around doing jack shit.

Sure enough, about 8 minutes later Janine blows into the place, tears pouring down her face while she carried her 90 pound dog up to the desk.

“My baby!” She screeched in my face. “He’s got a temperature!”

Thankfully for me, as I was about to bust up cackling at her (The dog looked FINE, and perhaps even a little ashamed and most certainly not knocking on death’s door), the vet walked out and lead Janine back to the exam area.

The vet tech promptly came up front to tell me this nugget: the temperature? 0.01 degree higher than absolutely perfect for the breed. It would be like calling your doctor if your “fever” was 98.8 rather than 98.7 degrees. Big fucking whoop, right? Besides, we all wondered why was she taking the dog’s temp ANYWAY if it wasn’t sick? The last place I’d want to be is putting stuff up a dog’s pooper, but not Janine. She must’ve dug it.

Janine comes out of the exam room in a whoosh and heads straight for the front desk without her dog.

“He’s staying overnight,” she said triumphantly. “The doctor tried to tell me that he was fine, but I want to make sure he’s in the best possible hands all night long.”

Um, okay. We’re ALL leaving when you leave, lady, so no one at all will be here. But um, okay.

I just nodded my head silently. She took this as an offer to jibber-jaw my head off. And what I learned next I can never, ever unlearn. No matter how hard I try.

“My dog (referring to the one now unhappily in a kennel in the back) is a show dog and we have a show coming up. I can’t have him be sick for the show….” She prattles on about shows she’s won and lost and just as my brain is starting to liquify and fall out of my eyeballs she changes subjects.

Specifically, she’s now talking about her secret for preparing the dogs for the show a subject that I could not be less interested in if I tried.

But, making the mistake of being polite, I asked her what her secret was. After determining that I wasn’t going to steal her thunder, she leaned forward conspiratorially and told me…

“Well, I take the males right beforehand and I ejaculate them.”

My mouth dropped open.

“I find that it relaxes them and then they perform better!”

My mouth flapped in the breeze.

Thankfully, the vet poked his head back out and beckoned for Janine to come back for some paperwork or something and told me, after seeing the look of horror on my face that I could go home.

A part of me died then and there, and another part of me wondered what the hell the other dog show people would think of someone whacking off their dog in the prep area. Perhaps they all do it. Maybe it’s one gigantic bestiality orgy before a dog show.

I’ll just never know. And THAT, my friends, is JUST FINE with me.

So what’s the most inappropriate thing that someone has randomly said to you? I’m positive I’m not the only one who has this happen to them.

71 Comments to

“Queen Of Inappropriateness”

  1. On March 3rd, 2009 at 10:55 pm Heather R. Says:

    But…but..but… I’m allergic to pineapples damnit!

    I think I threw up in my mouth a little by the end of the story. Yep that’s roast beef I taste, well I am off the brush my teeth and think about pineapples.

    Thanks, Becky. lol

  2. On March 3rd, 2009 at 11:21 pm Mrs.spit Says:

    Gack. Is Gack an answer.


  3. On March 3rd, 2009 at 11:23 pm Grace Says:

    that was awesome. i can’t top that.

  4. On March 3rd, 2009 at 11:56 pm Mama Bee Says:

    Dude. There is no way in hell I could ever DREAM of topping that story.

    But with that said, my favorite bloggers are the inappropriate ones (takes one to know one, I suppose!)

    So keep the doggie jizz stories coming (haha, get it?).

  5. On March 4th, 2009 at 12:00 am Heather R. Says:

    *Groans at Mama Bee*

    I can’t top it but I can say I don’t miss my ex MIL backing me into corners to tell me about her sex life, or how heavy her flow is that month, or how she had a BM and couldn’t get herself clean without a washcloth. All the while breathing on me with what can only be called shitty washcloth breath.


  6. On March 4th, 2009 at 12:19 am Valerie Says:

    Hands down the funniest thing I read/saw today, and that is saying something as it’s that time of the year where college students all send each other “funny” youtube and college humor links…

    But, in the words of South Park, “Red Rocket! Red Rocket! Red Rocket!”

    Um… EW.

  7. On March 4th, 2009 at 12:59 am Jenn Says:

    Isn’t that a crime?
    It should be a crime.

  8. On March 4th, 2009 at 1:17 am excavator Says:

    Oh, the images that inspired. I was imagining a group dog ejaculation, but then realized, this must be her secret weapon. Must be done furtively…

    The most inappropriate thing someone has told me recently isn’t nearly as funny. Just something involving my MIL’s bowels and ‘consistency’ and such.


  9. On March 4th, 2009 at 1:38 am kalakly Says:

    Dude, I will never, ever, enjoy watching a dog show again. Damn it.

  10. On March 4th, 2009 at 1:58 am baseballmom Says:

    Oh. My. God. EW. That is horrific.

  11. On March 4th, 2009 at 2:06 am Kelley Says:

    You will be shocked to learn that my vanilla malted milk shake does not look as appealing as it did minutes before reading this post.

    My thighs thank you.


  12. On March 4th, 2009 at 4:25 am habanerogal Says:

    I just cracked up at this one. The things you can never UNlearn. S’pose it is like the handjob that the hubby gets when he has had a tough day at work LOLZ

  13. On March 4th, 2009 at 5:53 am Badass Geek Says:

    Well, once there was this pretty cool chick named Becky (who was sometimes crude, but I liked that about her) that told me a story about this crazy bitch who would beat off her dog’s.

    That was pretty gross.

  14. On March 4th, 2009 at 6:39 am SciFi Dad Says:

    I don’t know what’s worse, my expected “secret” for the dog lady (something involving rectal probing) or the actual secret.

  15. On March 4th, 2009 at 6:44 am tash Says:

    I so need a cup of coffee right now.

  16. On March 4th, 2009 at 6:59 am Marie Says:

    Very disturbing…but funny!

  17. On March 4th, 2009 at 7:06 am Tiffany @ My Random Wisdom Says:


    If I have anything that could top that, I must have blocked it

    I know peeps who breed/show dogs are almost always a tad off, OK make that bat shit nuts…but DAYUM.

    THAT is off the gross-o-meter scale…srsly.

  18. On March 4th, 2009 at 7:43 am Rachel Says:

    That’s pretty damn gross, Bex. But I feel that we are partners in the crime of inappropriateness, so I’ll let it slide.

  19. On March 4th, 2009 at 7:56 am The Mommy Says:

    Uh, I got nothing. That, of course, is now something that I can never, ever UNlearn. Inappropriate or not, it’s funny as all get-out.

    I think maybe I might be the one who always gives “inappropriate” information. Damn.

  20. On March 4th, 2009 at 8:00 am Eva Says:

    Oh I should do a post on this woman I knew in grad school. She’s bipolar and a former addict of something or other and the things she said. My God. In class. To the teachers. Dear Lord.

  21. On March 4th, 2009 at 8:00 am Jenn Says:

    I needed that. Thanks.

    I will carry that image with me all day. And then there’s the pineapple…

  22. On March 4th, 2009 at 8:03 am Peggy Says:

    Ugh…I can’t even look at my dog now. *churning stomach*

  23. On March 4th, 2009 at 8:15 am Kristine Says:

    Yesterday morning a guy at work, upon seeing my hard boiled eggs and bacon, said something about “a little protein in the morning will get you through the day.” Since I don’t assume EVERYONE is as gutter brained as my husband and myself, I assumed he was innocently talking about breakfast having protein and it was innocent I replied “I hope so.” To which he said “you know, that could be taken a couple different ways.” and gives me a conspiratorial look. Dude, we’re both married, and we’re at work, he’s pretty lucky I’m not that sensitive.

    But I’m pretty sure that doesn’t top whacking off your dog.

  24. On March 4th, 2009 at 8:19 am rockmama Says:

    Oh my god, what a crazy dog masturbating bitch.

    I am at a loss for wildly inappropriate things that have been said to me, (except for my company’s accountant who warned me about stuff that my husband might throw at me WHEN we got divorced. Bitter little fucker.) but at our wedding my absolutely batshit crazy great uncle cornered my brother in law and one of the groomsman in the toilet and told them the story of how he was in the Pacific during the war.

    “There were all of these topless girls running around, but our chaplain gave them t-shirts to cover up with.”

    “Uh huh.” says my brother in law, wondering who this insane man in and whether he was planning on indecently assaulting him.

    “You know what they did?” say crazy great uncle, conspiratorially.

    “What?” replies brother in law, not sure he wants to hear the answer.

    “They CUT the TITTIES out.”

    His story told, crazy great uncle leaves as mysteriously as he came, leaving brother in law and groomsman standing in the toilet and wondering what in the hell has just happened to them.

  25. On March 4th, 2009 at 8:34 am michelle Says:

    brother-in-law calling to invite hubs and kids and I to his 40th b-day party at 11:45 on a school night. At a tattoo parlor. We are all welcome to “get some work done” to commemorate the event. Dude, seriously?

  26. On March 4th, 2009 at 8:57 am Susan Says:

    No way. I am not questioning your honesty, but I simply refuse to believe that someone does that. It’s beyond my realm of reality.

  27. On March 4th, 2009 at 9:07 am a Says:

    Thanks. Now I can’t unlearn it either. And there’s something about the name Melissa…90% of the ones I’ve run into are completely intolerable. Of the remaining 10%, half are pure annoyance.

    Oh the inappropriate…I don’t know why this happens, but sometimes in the line at the grocery store (or, once, in the parking lot) people will try to start conversations with me by making random racist remarks. This is odd in two ways: 1. obviously, the topic, and 2. I am generally seen as not very approachable, so strangers don’t usually start conversations with me. This has happened twice when I was grocery shopping at midnight (when I worked 2nd shift), and once in mid-day. Apparently, being a short white girl makes me willing to listen to their oddball ideas. A midnight encounter with a crazy man makes me unwilling to challenge his ignorance in favor of personal safety. The mid-day encounter was with a 70-80 yr old guy, in a small town, where a Mexican migrant worker had just stabbed his employer to death, and some other Hispanic men were crossing the parking lot on their way to work at the Mexican restaurant. Sigh…it’s been a few years…I’m probably due for another encounter.

  28. On March 4th, 2009 at 9:23 am Wendy Says:

    Well, I work in a psychiatric hospital so I’ve heard (and seen) lots of inappropriate things over the years. But yours takes the cake for coming from someone walking amongst the public!! Yuck!

  29. On March 4th, 2009 at 9:24 am Mrs M Says:

    I found your site through Minnie. I actually threw my hands to my mouth in horror, then the laughter came – I wonder if she is single? Any woman that can manage a hand job in such covert ways must be popular…. with guys (or dogs).

  30. On March 4th, 2009 at 9:33 am cass Says:

    OOOh man I was eating and spit out my food when I got to that part. Toooo ewwww but I needed that laugh!

    Here something happen that was more embarrassing then anything, I was at church and offering plate came around and pulled out some cash from my bag and toss a few bucks in and when it unfolded I saw I accidentally threw in a condom too.

    I didnt know what to do…. Say “Wait sir let get the condom out I am sorry, NOOO I slid down in my seat trying not to look at lady next to me.

    I hope God has a funny bone!

  31. On March 4th, 2009 at 10:07 am PiquantMolly Says:


    I know that I’ve been told highly innappropriate things, but I just can’t remember them right now. I think a library patron told me about her hemorrhoids once. There’s a time and a place, folks.

  32. On March 4th, 2009 at 10:10 am amy Says:

    wow…just threw up in my mouth a bit on that one!

    In college I was a bartender. It’s a bit of cliche that people lay all their problems on the attentive bar maid, but it’s totally true. I had men tell me about their sex lives (or lack there of) with their wives and all sorts of sordid details that at the tender age of 19 I was appalled by!

    Apparently it doesn’t end when bar tending does. I just recently had an employee call me and explain that she has had diarrhea for the past 2 months. There was no reason at all for her divulging such info…just felt the need to confide. Yuck…I was mortified!

  33. On March 4th, 2009 at 10:14 am kbrients Says:

    It is SO good to have you back. I missed you.

  34. On March 4th, 2009 at 10:38 am Kelly Says:

    My mom, sister and I recently went to a hostess party, and when we were filling out the order forms for the crap that we were conned into buying the MIL of the hostess says to my mom…you are left handed? You know what they say, left handed people are supposed to be better lovers….and just what are you supposed to say to that in front of a room full of strangers and your children? Weirdo. Not as weird as jacking off your dog, but still weird.

  35. On March 4th, 2009 at 10:42 am Melanie Says:


  36. On March 4th, 2009 at 10:45 am Trina Says:

    I am having my male dogs neutered today!!! The thought will always be burned into my brain and I might throw up if I ever again see a “little red rocket”.
    You write some funny shit Becky!!!

  37. On March 4th, 2009 at 11:01 am stacey k Says:

    OMG..I don’t know what i would do if someone uninvited suddenly told me they masterbate their dog….

    as for my inappropriate for some reason my boss feels the need to ask me questions about HER sex life….it starts out…me and my husband do….and ends with ….is that normal?

    The last time she did this to me my answer was…no that’s a little weird…are you sure you married a man?…she’s never said another word to me since.

  38. On March 4th, 2009 at 11:12 am Io Says:

    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Why did I read that?! I should have known my brain was warning me to stop when I misread breeding as breastfeeding. That was so much worse than momentarily thinking she was breastfeeding her dogs.
    The only inappropriate things I hear are from the guys I work with. But they are inappropriate in a totally harmless sexual way.

  39. On March 4th, 2009 at 11:29 am Melissa Says:

    Uhhhh…the doggies put their lipstick away and escaped while “Born Free” played softly in the background?

    I hope.

  40. On March 4th, 2009 at 11:42 am Life in Eden Says:

    Ok, babies kept me awake all night, so I can’t think of a good story. But, well, while the pineapple thing was a little disturbing — sadly I was not shocked by the masterbating dog breeder. See, I AM a vet and dealt with such people ALL THE TIME. Lots of people watched “Best in Show” and laughed thinking it was so over-the-top. I watched and named all my clients who were like each character. Sad, sad, sad.

  41. On March 4th, 2009 at 11:55 am Lynanne Says:


    I once had an employee tell me in great detail about how pigs and cows are inseminated, from specimen collection to deposition. Apparently, my uncomfortable silence was encoragement for the graphic description to continue. Pigs, incidentally, have corkscrew-shaped penises. They spiral their member instead of thrusting. Aren’t you glad you asked us to share?

  42. On March 4th, 2009 at 12:02 pm Nic Says:

    Ahhh hell god dammit I wasn’t expecting that! Damn you dragging us all into your little story, then blindsiding us with that little tidbit!

  43. On March 4th, 2009 at 12:46 pm Kristen Says:

    okay then…

    I think I have made plenty of people uncomfy by telling them that I had a baby who died when they ask me the innocent question of how many kids I have…
    And my mil telling me about her migrating vagina was the most disturbing thing I have had to hear.

  44. On March 4th, 2009 at 12:47 pm Lesha Says:

    Wow. I tried to think of something, anything that I’ve heard that was more inappropriate, but I honestly can’t. And I don’t think I’ll ever look at Weimaraners or dog shows in general the same again.


  45. On March 4th, 2009 at 1:06 pm Sara Says:

    I am sure that I have something equally as inappropriate, except, well, that story has temporarily rendered my memory gone.


  46. On March 4th, 2009 at 1:17 pm Vered - MomGrind Says:

    Being appropriate is overrated. I’m appropriate and trust me, it gets really boring.

    Gosh, I haven’t been here in a while! It’s so nice to “see” you again. 🙂

  47. On March 4th, 2009 at 2:06 pm Meghan Says:

    I think I am forever changed now..thanks for that. Even in health care I cannot top that..ever. And I work with some top fliers.

  48. On March 4th, 2009 at 2:15 pm birdpress Says:

    Aaack! I work in a vet’s office and I have to, um, “handle” some of those dog parts, and it grosses me out enough when I have to SEE it, let alone think of someone doing THAT! EWWW! And you see? That right there is why I have a female dog! I just can’t handle all the jiggly parts. It’s bad enough I have to shave their jiggly parts. Sure, they may try to get me to go to second base, but no sir, that’s where I draw the line! I won’t kiss on the mouth either. Blech. 😛

  49. On March 4th, 2009 at 2:15 pm honeywine Says:

    It was the yuckiest week of my life when Pascal figured out what to do with his peen. You haven’t lived until you find doggie jizz on the floor. So much disinfectant, so little time. But, I guess he’d be relaxed for a show then. I wonder if she does it if they get over-excited about going for a ride in the car? Not that I’d consider trying it or anything… lol

  50. On March 4th, 2009 at 3:46 pm Sarah Says:

    Damn, girl, that was evil, (and very stylishly crude!) sucking us in with vaguely weird if not necessarily disturbing imagery of cute fuzzy things and fruit getting together in all the wrong (right?) ways, but then while we were dazed, you punch us in the nose with tales of the apparently proud bestiality-prone among us.

    I’m thinking that if you voluntarily join the Navy, and then go to SE Asia with the Navy, then the things you see might not really be inappropriate, because you kind of asked for it…. but then I remember the whole Tailhook Convention brouhaha, and maybe not! So I’ll just say it’s weird to see your superiors gleefully and proudly escorting no less than 10 prostitues into your hotel (and those were just the times I was in the lobby AND had them waving at me as they paraded by) during a 9 day trip. Weirder still to have one of them ask you if you’re familiar with the initial symptoms of syphillis on the flight home. Dumbass.

    I will say I don’t recall *any* of said prostitutes wearing a leash or walking on all fours, so I don’t think this is really quite on par with your offering.

  51. On March 4th, 2009 at 4:03 pm heather Says:

    I’ve seen videos of bulls being ejaculated manually, so it could be worse.

    I once had a guy who was trying to get me to go out with him, that his ex wife had a “slippery when wet” tattoo just above her pubes. wtf?

  52. On March 4th, 2009 at 4:10 pm Coco Says:

    AUGH! My eyes! My eyes are BURNING from reading that! But I’m also laughing my ass off. She was a nutter. A bestial nutter.

    The best I can come up with is the time a woman I didn’t know lifted her shirt to show me her brand new silicone boobies and invited me to touch them because her surgeon was just THAT AMAZING. In her defense, she was pretty drunk and I looked pretty hot that night.

    It still doesn’t beat the dog masturbator. Or is that beat OFF the dog masturbator? God, I’ll be laughing over this for days. DAYS!

  53. On March 4th, 2009 at 4:26 pm Cassie Says:

    OH. MY. WORD. I am speechless.

  54. On March 4th, 2009 at 4:46 pm J Says:

    I don’t know what grosses me out more: this story, or the fact that I finally worked up the courage to ask my co-worker (who used to breed/show labs) if this story is uncommon.


    He was quick to tell me that he did not ever do that, or consider it necessary, so now I don’t have to go home for the day with visions of, um, that in my head.

    Let’s see. Most inappropriate. Someone from my old job writing me love poems in Spanish because he thought I wouldn’t be able to translate them? I think he was married or at least engaged too, if I recall correctly.

  55. On March 4th, 2009 at 5:03 pm Holli Says:

    That was seriously one of the most disturbing things I have ever read. Do you think that is typical of dog-show-weirdo’s?

    Nothing really comes to mind except my old boss. The inappropriate things he said to me are too numerous to list. My favorites are when he had too much to drink at a company function and told us how he and his wife enjoy group sex. Or how upon seeing a picture of my family asked me if my sister was adopted. I told him she was Japanese, to which he replied, “Fucking Japs!” Later, he asked me if that really bothered me or if I was just joking around.

    I still think your story wins.

  56. On March 4th, 2009 at 6:14 pm Betts Says:

    I had a cashier in a scummy department store chain which has long since gone out of business ask me to feel the bump on her head once. But nothing… and I mean nothing… is going to top that story. My male dog is laying next to me on the couch right now, and I’m a little creeped out.

  57. On March 4th, 2009 at 6:45 pm swirl girl Says:

    As gross as this story is – clearly it would be grosser if we knew exactly ‘how’ she brought the pup to orgasm.

    by the way – You’re baaaaaaack!

  58. On March 4th, 2009 at 11:51 pm Pamela J. Says:

    I’m so relieved. I thought you were going to tell me she BLOWS her dogs. That was close:)

  59. On March 5th, 2009 at 12:38 am Mrs.LaLa Says:

    Oh. Wow. Laugher, horror and nausea all rolled into one! Gooooood times! lol

  60. On March 5th, 2009 at 2:21 am baseballmom Says:

    Okay, I thought of one…my grandpa (who was 93) got married to a gold digger last Christmas Eve. My mom called him right before the wedding, to see if they were ready, and he said, “Oh, you won’t believe what’s happening RIGHT NOW…I took my Viagra, and this hasn’t happened in 25 years.” Waaaaay too much information. Definitely not the way I wanted to picture my grandpa.

  61. On March 5th, 2009 at 9:17 am Kendra Says:

    Oh, my god! I had a friend in college whose brother manually ejaculated bulls for a living (now, there’s a job I wouldn’t want!) so this is not totally out of the realm of my imagination. But I can just imagine how I would have reacted. I seem to have this knack for not responding to anything right away, just making a polite interested face, which leads people to tell me EVERYTHING about themselves, because I have no idea how to react most of the time. (Then I go home and stew and have imaginary conversations with them about the disturbng things they told me.) With my non-judgmental face, I’m afraid she would have launched into an explanation of all the details!

    And though not inappropriate per se, one of my favorite stories was of a time I was having late-night coffee with a friend of mine, David. A man (whose first language wasn’t English, though I couldn’t guess what it was) wandered over and just sat down with us. We introduced ourselves, and he informed me that I had “a lovely Negro nose.” (I am, by the way, thoroughly caucasian, though apparently blessed in the nose department.) When David introduced himself, the man replied, “Ah, David! He fought Goliath–Gilead in my language. Gilead was strong–strong like Samsonite.” And for years now, I’ve gotten a private giggle imagining the briefcase commercials that could have been made with that tag line.

  62. On March 5th, 2009 at 10:12 am Elizabeth Ann Says:

    I was adding creamer to my coffee at the end of that story…now seriously considering throwing the whole thing away. ew.

  63. On March 5th, 2009 at 10:50 am Lainey-Paney Says:

    and now i’m nauseated having just read that.

  64. On March 5th, 2009 at 2:58 pm lola Says:

    Well, sadly, from hanging around crazy show dog people, I’ve heard that one before. I’ve even seen it done by our vet to one of our dogs for some reason I can’t remember because I had no idea what he was going to do and I guess I went into a state of denial when he went to work. Who knew there was that much cock concealed up in there? I never looked at that dog the same after that…

    As for inappropriate things, well, there was this chick Friday night that walked up to me and told me she had just deep-throated the drummer in my friend’s band while they were on break. Never seen the bitch before that night, so I’m not sure why she felt the need to tell me. A very sweet girl, I’m sure.

  65. On March 5th, 2009 at 7:49 pm Jeanne Says:

    When I was a TA we all did this writing exercise with our classes where we’d empty out our backpacks and the students would make inferences about what we did with all the stuff. A friend of mine tipped hers out, and at the bottom of the backpack was a tampon that had been in there so long it had gotten rubbed out of the wrapper–and she’d spilled coffee in the backpack…so it looked like it was, well, you know.

  66. On March 5th, 2009 at 11:24 pm mnsm31 Says:

    question number 1: how do the Easter bunny, and a pineapple go together? hmm..
    question number 2; and what does she do to get her female dogs relax? (ick , huh)
    question number 3: how and what makes this stuff jump into your head?

    I love your crude and rude.

  67. On March 6th, 2009 at 9:14 am magpie Says:

    Please tell me that you’ve seen “Best In Show”. And if you haven’t, rent it NOW.

  68. On March 6th, 2009 at 10:03 am mumma boo Says:

    Gag. No more yogurt for me. Ever.

    No wonder Parker Posey’s character was screaming for “busy bee” in Best in Show. She didn’t want to do the alternative. Ick!!

  69. On March 6th, 2009 at 6:22 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Oh my lord. That is so vile.

    The most random/weird thing someone said to me recently was one of my students (a 19-year-old girl) who said in front of our entire group that she wants to have a threesome with Kate Hudson and Dane Cook.

  70. On March 7th, 2009 at 11:42 pm Painted Maypole Says:


  71. On March 12th, 2009 at 1:30 pm lady lemon Says:

    Dude, I don’t think I am capable of topping that one. At least not today. But can I just say how much I love that you say “crotchal region”? I say that all the time and it always gets me weird looks.

    Soul sisters? Crotchal sisters?

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