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It Puts The Guest Post On The Internet Or It Gets The Hose Again: Gym Class Zeros


Of all the new year cliches, none seem to be more true that the people who fill gyms, yoga classes and fitness centers on January 1st. I’m what you could call “a gym class regular”, not a hero, not a meathead, not even an enthusiast, but a dude who noticed his fitness joint when it opened, got on the ground level membership pricing, and goes enough to justify the amount that comes out of my checking account each month. I’m familiar with the treadmill, the yoga mats that I do push ups and sit ups on, and the bench press area. I know how to sweat and maintain my mediocre build of 43-year-old Campbell Soup Can. I put the stock in stocky.

It’s been three and a half years since I joined my gym and I like it. There are meatheads with gallon jugs of distilled water and a duffel bags full of stuff that I assume are Barry Bonds approved “supplements”, but I haven’t done any journalism to confirm. There are a lot of people who look like me, middle-aged, graying in the usual areas and proud of their one-hour sweat three or four times a week. I’ve even traded hellos, how ’bout them local sports teams conversations and dude, can I spot you on the bench moments with a few others.

When I walked into my local ligament pull this morning, January 1, 2014, I expected swarms of newbies. I mean I read Facebook, the Twitter, and Instagram. Everyone I kinda sorta know is going to change for the good and make 2014 their bitch.

The parking lot was full. I smiled, pulled into one of only two spaces available, scooped up my workout gear and went inside. You could smell the temporary enthusiasm. It was combination of the Target makeup counter and human mothballs from the last time people hit the mills and weights. The girl behind the counter checked me in. She’s my oldest daughter’s age, 18, and sarcasm is her co-pilot.

“Welcome to Jungle, for now.”

I laughed at her line and dodged two women dressed in clothes that cost more than my entire wardrobe then bumped into six different dudes trying to find a locker in the men’s area.

“Hey man, thought you’d skip this week, glad you didn’t. More tales to tell this way, huh?”

The gravely voice belonged to Pete. Pete looks like George Peppard when Peppard played Hannibal Smith on The A-Team. I’ve always assumed Pete loves it when a plan comes together. One day I’ll smoke a victory cigar after we take out some rouge military guys. I didn’t respond, because once you talk to Pete, you’re in for a ride that doesn’t let up for a while. I smacked his arm with my right hand and laughed then found my favorite locker, number 23.

The floor of the fitness center looked like those news clips you see of the Wall Street Stock Exchange. People were everywhere, like ants all up in a picnic. My gaze caught one treadmill open so I made a line for it. It was in front of a TV playing Fox News Channel. This was going to be a painful 25 minute rat race. I noticed the guest on Fox & Friends was an astrologer. I was amused. Someone forgot to tell their producers and hosts that their network didn’t believe in science, fake or otherwise. But the sixty-year-old woman huffing next to me on her treadmill seem totally engaged. I tweeted my thoughts instead of saying them out loud.

After my run, I noticed my usual workout wasn’t possible. Everyone was on everything I needed so I started people watching. I saw the trainer guy crash and burn flirting with two girls who were working out in full make-up and earrings. I noticed a female muscle head throw a minor temper tantrum when one of the newbies left weights on a bar. Every few minutes a regular would notice me, nod their head and mouth “this sucks” or “six weeks” or “kill me” and I’d laugh. I wondered how many would stick it out and become average, run of mill, regulars like me. I saw two guys with major potential for mediocrity. They were polite, about to pass out and apologetic for getting in the way. They were even cuter than the ones who’d be gone in six weeks.

The music being played signified the new school attendee. Top 40 ruled. Strong women with children mouthed the words to “damn, she’s a sexy chick” and “I’m sexy and I know it”. While out of shape dudes couldn’t help themselves to classic Lady GaGa or Pitbull.

By the time the bench press machine was open and I could do my four sets, One Republic’s Counting Stars played. That line, “everything that kills me, makes me feel alive” said it all. That was why I was here on January 1, 2014, trying to feel alive at 43-years-old. After I finished making my chest and elbows feel like they were about to explode, I started counting stars, those people who wouldn’t be around in a month. I hold out some hope my cynicism is dead wrong. But for now, I say 4 out of 45 will be there trying to make themselves look good for their significant other son Valentine’s Day.

Lance Burson is writer living outside Atlanta, Georgia with his wife and three daughters. He’s the published author of two books available on amazon for kindle and in paperback from – The Ballad of Helene Troy and Soul To Body.
His favorite exercise is full body massage followed by whiskey.
17 Comments to

“It Puts The Guest Post On The Internet Or It Gets The Hose Again: Gym Class Zeros”

  1. On January 3rd, 2014 at 9:43 am Natalie - The Cat Lady Sings Says:

    The gym where I am is such a weird place. In SoCal, the meatheads are uber weird – think Newport Beach meets Arnold Schwarzenegger…is that how you spell Schwarzenegger?

  2. On January 3rd, 2014 at 10:16 am Lance Says:

    The last time I was in LA – 2007 – I went to Santa Monica and saw some of those guys. That subculture is crazy, but fascinating.

  3. On January 3rd, 2014 at 9:48 am Cynthia Medina Says:

    I got kinda confused when “Aunt Becky” said “she” was 43 and looked like a soup can LOL. Good read 🙂 Thanks Lance!

  4. On January 3rd, 2014 at 10:17 am Lance Says:

    Thanks for reading and commenting cynthia

  5. On January 3rd, 2014 at 10:36 am Andrea B (@goodgirlgonered) Says:

    Ha! Cynthia’s comment made me giggle. I got that and I knew it was you, Lance.

    I miss the gym. I do. Really. I want to get back to one because I really did (gasp!) enjoy it. And I never EVER wore make-up to work out. Or perfume. Gag.

    But this recap of your gym moments was a real one and thanks for sharing. You might even have inspired me to drag my husband to the local Y and check out membership pricing. 😉 Maybe …

  6. On January 3rd, 2014 at 1:23 pm Lance Says:

    The Y’s a good non-meathead place.

    I like my gym. It’s entertaining. Thanks a lot for commenting.

  7. On January 3rd, 2014 at 11:39 am Jolie Says:

    I belong to Lifetime and boy do I feel ya. I usually stay away until Mid Jan, or go during the lunch time when it’s dead. Can’t stand the “oooh, shiny!” newbs. Way to stick to it!

  8. On January 3rd, 2014 at 1:24 pm Lance Says:

    it was so bad yesterday, I skipped. Going back today,.

    Thank you and happy new year

  9. On January 3rd, 2014 at 2:09 pm Suzannah Says:

    Is there a makeup counter at Target?

    Great post! I’m a yoga chick (Although at almost 46, I’m not sure “chick” still applies), and it’s the same at the studio. Namaste, bitches!

  10. On January 3rd, 2014 at 8:49 pm Lance Says:

    I asked the 4 women I live with and they said there was like a makeup section at target…no clue if that helps

    I did yoga in 2008 and loved it. should do it again.

  11. On January 3rd, 2014 at 3:15 pm Linda Roy - elleroy was here Says:

    Monday. Cross my heart, I’m going on Monday. I go to a gym full of senior citizens (it’s affiliated with a hospital), so I always feel pretty much alive. So I’ve got that going for me…which is nice.

  12. On January 3rd, 2014 at 9:49 pm Angel The Alien Says:

    Wow, people actually go to the gym on New Year’s Day? That is taking the New Year’s resolution thing pretty seriously! When I make a resolution, I’m like, “Maybe I will hypothetically join a gym next week!”

  13. On January 4th, 2014 at 8:50 am Lance Says:

    I never said I was rational or even smart. Thank you and happy 14.

  14. On January 4th, 2014 at 7:24 am steph gas Says:

    i haven’t been to the gym in about a year because of numerous heath issues. my dear husband is there right now. he’s kind of on the borderline between a normal guy trying to stay in shape and a meathead. he’s not huge and bulky, but he was always thin and tall. he’s spent years trying to bulk up and loves working out. i think it’s the endorphins.

    i, on the other hand. am wrapped in a heated blanket effing around online. my other half left for the gym at 8am on a saturday and refused to bring back bagels. dick.

  15. On January 4th, 2014 at 8:51 am Lance Says:

    you’re a profoundly smart woman. Hope you feel better.

    Happy New Year

  16. On January 4th, 2014 at 9:10 am Ms. Marsha Says:

    Great post and so true. I don’t “do” resolutions, but this year I just want to feel better. I’ll get to a workout of some sort, but I’m a procrastinator. So it might be March. Or something.

  17. On January 4th, 2014 at 10:57 am Karin Says:

    Good to see you over here! While I am attempting to run more, I’m not going to fool myself into thinking I will be a marathoner in a month. But you know what the song says…everything that drowns me makes me want to fly! Off I go!

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