Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Pretty Sure She’s Going To Regret Inviting Me Into Her Dorm Room


I’ve been friends with Pashmina for, shit, what 10, maybe 12 years now, she was my coblogger for the pre-Aunt Becky days and she’s the only reason that I met The Daver. We’ve managed to stay friends for all of this time, and she wanted to show her appreciation for all that I’ve done for her (read: flaming case of The Clap) by asking me, nay, INVITING me gently to read at her wedding.

Thrilled that I didn’t have to stuff myself into a bridesmaid dress like a shimmery encased sausage, I readily agreed. I didn’t so much care WHAT I read, just that it didn’t involve dyable shoes.

Weeks before the wedding, she–like the Type-A freak-a-leak she is–called to regretfully inform me that I wouldn’t be getting a copy of my reading stuff until the night before. Because the priest was writing them.

Not being Catholic myself, this didn’t send off any warning bells like it would have with other, more normal people.

After huffing it to the rehearsal on Friday, I was shocked to learn that I would be reading the “Lord Hear Our Prayer” part of the service. When I told this to Daver, who knows the church much better than I, his jaw dropped open like a sea bass and he started laughing. When he finally stopped, after seeing the quizzical look on my face, he sputtered,

“You’re…” *snort, snort* “You’re leading THE PRAYERS!” Then he erupted into another gale of laughter as the realization seeped into my brain.

Now, I’m a fan of organized religion, despite not knowing much about it, and I love the rituals and the kneeling and the singing, but this, this was Pashmina’s way of getting back at me for making her wear a strapless dress to my wedding.

I’m probably the least qualified person on the planet to lead prayers in a Catholic wedding. No, seriously.

The wedding, though, was lovely, and I found myself misting up when she walked down the aisle. Here was my FRIEND, the one that was busted by the Jesuits with me, and she, well, she was in the puffy white dress and aww….

And the leading of the prayers even went fine. I did not erupt into a fireball of flame and ash at the altar. I did not wear my own wedding dress, as previously threatened. I simply read the lines, prayed, and then sat back down before bounding off to drink with some old friends.

Because I dropped out of Girl Scouts after realizing that even at age 8, I had no aptitude or interest whatsoever for crafts or cooking, I am never prepared. So during the three hour break between wedding and reception, I sent The Daver off to find appropriate cards. He did, although I don’t remember what they said, only that I wrote “Happy Birthday, Steve!” on the outside after I was chastised for not properly addressing it.

(my point was: who the hell ELSE would I be getting a card for or giving a card to AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME?)

(answer: apparently, Steve)

The reception was a total blast. We got to hang with old friends and drink, eat delicious meat twinkies (tiny, mini meat sandwiches) and watch other people get drunk. With the exception of the woman who came up to me mid-bite, while she waited in line at the buffet, and demanded to know what I was eating in a fairly unkind way, it was fucking awesome.

And that lady? Just weird.

I hadn’t spoken to Pashmina until today because I was giving her time to both consummate the marriage and enjoy her honeymoon (bitch), and I figured she was kind of people-d out.

She called me today to discuss, sandwiched in between her bragging about her tan (bitch), the card that I’d gotten her.

Specifically, the check I had written her.

My initial thought was, “SHIT, did it bounce? I had money in the account!” immediately followed by “shit! Did I make it out to the right person?”

But no. My check didn’t bounce, and I absolutely did spell her name properly (after 10 years, even my dumb ass has learned to spell some things). Let’s just say that I pulled off the ULTIMATE Feat Of Awesomeness.

See, now, when I’d written out the check, I engaged in a revolting and juvenile past time of mine. Whenever I write out a personal check to a friend, I make sure to include something special in the MEMO box.

My favorite, and easily most common is “Funky Butt-Lovin'” but that night, I’d had a migraine (same as I do now, WHEE!) and couldn’t quite remember.

So instead, I wrote in the MEMO box: “Butt Sex” figuring she’d get a chuckle out of that among the “CONGRADULATIONS (sic)” and “Wedding” (which I saw on many of my checks from my own wedding). I hadn’t thought about it since.

But no, Pashmina hadn’t forgotten it. Not at all.

Turns out that as they’d deposited their checks, Pashmina had made some sort of addition error (I will blame her English degree (s) on this one)(somewhere, she is flicking off the computer as she reads this) and the bank had An Issue.

An Issue, of course, that had to be corrected IN PERSON at the bank. So, like the adult she is, Pashmina marched into the bank to figure out what the hell was going on.

The clerk couldn’t figure it out, save that one check had not been accounted for, so he signaled his manager over. His manager, who took one look at the Problem Check and said to Pashmina, “You got a check for BUTT SEX?”

The bank stopped. The bank stopped and the bank listened and then the bank burst out laughing. Tellers doubled over in their lanes laughing, tears rolling down their faces as they had to explain and apologize to customers for their inappropriate behavior.

Like a rock in a stream, Pashmina stood there, probably cursing my mother for birthing me, and certainly cursing herself for inviting me into her dorm room to hang out. She alternated between laughing herself and trying to appear unfazed and unflappable, and the matter was, at long last, after several calls to corporate, settled.

Pashmina, payback’s a BITCH, eh?

103 Comments to

“Pretty Sure She’s Going To Regret Inviting Me Into Her Dorm Room”

  1. On September 2nd, 2009 at 6:50 am cara Says:

    I love embarassing friends. The always forgive you (with the promise for retribution) and you get stories to share wieh the world.

    I fully expect that she will write a scathing blog referencing this. I deserve it.

  2. On September 2nd, 2009 at 6:51 am Pretty Sure She’s Going To Regret Inviting Me Into Her Dorm Room | Wedding-Guru Says:

    […] post: Pretty Sure She’s Going To Regret Inviting Me Into Her Dorm Room Share and […]

  3. On September 2nd, 2009 at 6:59 am Anjali Says:

    I think my hysterical laughing about this post has cleared up my head cold.

    Glad to be of service!

  4. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:03 am Priss Says:

    You know what? I have been sick and cranky this week, and that made ME laugh.

    If I ever have a redo wedding, I am so totally inviting you.


  5. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:41 am Kelly Says:

    LMAO. We have friends that are getting married on Sept 25, and we were trying to come up with something to embarrass them. I know nothing we come up with will top that! You are the Queen!!!

    And now I am totally blushing. Please use it!

  6. On September 2nd, 2009 at 6:46 am becca Says:

    Hilarious… I wish I had to write more checks.

  7. On September 2nd, 2009 at 6:50 am Katy, wondergirl's mom Says:

    See, this is why I keep coming here. I haven’t laughed so hard since last night when I read your sex toy blog.

  8. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:52 am SciFi Dad Says:

    You have to pay for butt sex?

    Pashmina is THAT KIND of girl. She won’t put out for free.

  9. On September 2nd, 2009 at 6:56 am Suzie Q Says:

    THAT. IS. AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:56 am The Boss Says:

    I used to work at a bank and one of our regular customers would come in and cash checks from his aunt for birthdays and holidays. And in the memo field she would write “Cocaine”, “drugs”, or “Heroin”. He would always get so embarassed and start defending himself, but we all knew who his aunt was so we expected it from her.

    Now I know what I’ll be writing on my children’s checks for Christmas. When they’re older, of course. No one wants to think of a 2 year old with a crack problem.

  11. On September 2nd, 2009 at 6:59 am hpom Says:

    Excellent work. See, it would be funny if she just saw it but the fact that it was announced to the whole bank…..priceless!

  12. On September 2nd, 2009 at 8:03 am Ms. Moon Says:

    All right. That was great.

  13. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:15 am Alicia Says:

    THIS is the best thing ever.

  14. On September 2nd, 2009 at 8:17 am Badass Geek Says:

    This is why I love you.

  15. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:24 am Tracey Anne Says:

    Wow Aunt Becky…now I shall start to put quirky sayings in the check memos….Just because I want to be like you…(Obviously)

    Hopefully, you too can cause mayhem for someone you love!

  16. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:25 am a Says:

    I bet you made the bank manager’s year, though!

    You know, I hope that I did. THAT would be a really hard job.

  17. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:26 am Amanda Says:

    Was my craptastic browser holding onto your old template because I JUST SAW THIS and it’s ALL KINDS OF AWESOME!!! (I totally put that in caps cause I know it also cost a nice penny so I thought you’ed want to know that I REALLY meant it.)

    I wish I had a picture of her trying to look all professional and unfazed while THAT was going on. Good times.. LOL

    My mental picture is even better. If only you knew Pashmina.

  18. On September 2nd, 2009 at 8:35 am V Says:

    Hahah. Nice! Especially that the bank manager was so completely tactless about it.


  19. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:53 am C @ Kid Things Says:

    Seriously laughing out loud here. AWESOME.

  20. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:56 am Mwa Says:

    That is very funny, really, but I hope she changes banks. That is the most inappropriate thing to do, like, ever. I would probably withdraw all my money right there and then. Imagine she really did get the money for butt sex.

    But you? Queen of funny.

    Hahaha! Pashmina is a stubborn person. She’ll hold her head high and march back in. Happily.

  21. On September 2nd, 2009 at 8:02 am Kelly Says:

    I work in a bank, and I would have to say that I have never seen anything that funny on a memo line before. Some pretty funny stuff, but nothing that funny. Too much.

    Well, now I’m proud of myself.

  22. On September 2nd, 2009 at 8:04 am Jenn Says:

    I do the memo thing too – never used anything quite as risquΓ© as “butt sex” though, hahaha. Oh that’s hilarious.

    I prefer “Funky Butt Lovin'” and am frankly annoyed that I did not choose to write that this time.

  23. On September 2nd, 2009 at 8:14 am MK Says:

    I don’t write many checks these days – but some of my faves have been (to a guy, for my husband’s fantasy football league fee) “My Little Pony collection”; “Pete’s Porn Shop” and honestly – I’ve written This Is A Stick UP – that one always seems to go over well.

    You and me? Peas & carrots, methinks.

    We are TOTALLY peas and carrots.

  24. On September 2nd, 2009 at 8:31 am Sara Says:

    This just made my week.

    And my best friends are now hoping I forget all about this before they get married, and baby sister is grateful that it didn’t happen before HER wedding!

    Have no fear, you too can embarrass them this way SOME day.

  25. On September 2nd, 2009 at 8:45 am Maggie Says:

    My Dear Aunt Becky, I too put silly things in the memo lines of checks (unless they’re made out to the school). I regularly put ‘for sexual favors’ on the memo line for my lawn guy. I never paid him in person, just dropped a check in the mail when I wasn’t paying by paypal.

    It came back to bite me on the ass one day when I happened to be home while he was spraying my yard. He said his wife had been making the business deposit (zomg!) and asked him to invite me to a BDSM party they were hosting (ZOMG! ZOMG!).

    I declined… but I also quit putting ‘for sexual favors’ on the memo line. Now I just put ‘thanks for trimming my bush’.

    Bwahahaha! I love you.

  26. On September 2nd, 2009 at 8:52 am Belle Says:

    My boyfriend once wrote, ‘For sex’ on the memo of a check he gave me. That’s when you go through drive through banking and make damn sure not to make mathematical errors!!

    Ha! Good for him!

  27. On September 2nd, 2009 at 8:54 am heather Says:

    I can’t let my husband read this. I do the exact same thing to him. We used to have separate accounts and I would write him checks to “transfer” money around to pay bills with, and I always wrote something perverted in the memo. He’d get so freaking mad at me, but I did it every time. He was always embarrassed, and I think he even scratched it out a few times. I mean, come on, those tellers need something to laugh at. And who am I if not the person to provide it?

    Exactly! Banking is synonymous with boring.

  28. On September 2nd, 2009 at 8:56 am Marie Says:

    Aunt Becky=Pure Awesome

    Why thank you!

  29. On September 2nd, 2009 at 9:21 am Missy Litzinger Says:

    ok this was laugh out loud funny – but since I am at work – my stomach now hurts because I can’t make any noise.
    Good one Aunt Becky – good one….

  30. On September 2nd, 2009 at 9:35 am Amanda@LadyScientist Says:

    I write “for services rendered” or “unmentionables” on the memo line. But never anything as awesome. You are full of the awesome.

  31. On September 2nd, 2009 at 9:40 am daisybv2 Says:

    OMFG! I am at worked and I am laughing my ass off out LOUD. That was the funniest thing I have ever heard!

    OMG still laughing.

    Aunt Becky I love u yo

  32. On September 2nd, 2009 at 9:45 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    that is freaking hilarious! In the days when I used to write checks I would write ‘usurious bastards’ or words to that effect in the memo portion to my credit cards & loans. During a period of rental when my landlord was failing to make basic repairs to the plumbing I would write idiot and jerkface on the rent check memos.

  33. On September 2nd, 2009 at 9:59 am Painted Maypole Says:

    bwa ha ha ha ha

  34. On September 2nd, 2009 at 11:07 am Kate Says:

    This had me laughing uproariously! Omigosh… I’ve never thought to write something risque in the memo section of a check, but NOW? Oh, you know I’m all over it now!

    Thanks for the hilarious story! You soooooo won that round with Pashmina! πŸ™‚

  35. On September 2nd, 2009 at 10:18 am COURTENAY Says:

    Im crying, like real tears. I think I even snorted a little. TOOOO funny. I would steal this idea but 1: I never have money and 2: my bff is already married. Drat.

    Ha! You can do it to someone else.

  36. On September 2nd, 2009 at 11:30 am Sarah Says:

    And now my kids are asking me why I’m crying. “It’s that crazy ass Great Aunt Becky of yours, my dears!”

    Holy DAMN, Woman. I have to go in a bank today, and I’m just going to be standing there giggling with tears streaming down my face.

    tell them that crazy aunt becky says, “what’s UP?”

  37. On September 2nd, 2009 at 10:33 am habanerogal Says:

    Tha just made my day glad you didn’t burn up and all and now have true never forget ya friends at the bank too

  38. On September 2nd, 2009 at 10:40 am Mrs Soup Says:

    I seriously snorted water out of my nose reading this.

    The pain…..the pain.

    Brillz, dude. Brillz.

  39. On September 2nd, 2009 at 10:58 am Lisa Says:

    OMG I can’t stop laughing.

  40. On September 2nd, 2009 at 11:17 am Brianna Says:

    She now wishes (fervently) that you HAD made it out to the wrong person. ROFL


  41. On September 2nd, 2009 at 11:27 am Jennifer B Says:

    Jeez, Beck, you were already my hero. And now, I just bow down, “I’m not worthy!!!” You totally rocked my day, not even the crying baby could stop the laughter. This one’s too good not to share.

  42. On September 2nd, 2009 at 11:28 am Dana Says:

    This is the MOST AWESOME story I have heard all week, but it is only Wednesday so it could totally be bumped by like A Jonas Brother marrying a two-headed snake and the 3 heads putting out a catchy remake of “Sssssay you, Ssssay me” ….(weird dream just forget I said anything)…..Ambien and my tween daughters ramblings make for a fun night!
    Still hilarious story…only wish it was on video so we could all see the bank tellers reactions and your friend trying to keep it together!

    If I had a video of this…wow. I wonder if I can bribe the bank for a copy…

  43. On September 2nd, 2009 at 11:28 am Christa Says:

    Yeah, I do the check memo line thing to. Once I gave my mother a check with “Oral Sex with the Goat” written on it. She never noticed, but I am sure someone along the way got a laugh out of it.

    A friend of mine used to pay her PA local school taxes with “For all the little bastards” written in the memo line. When she checked her online statements she saw that the words were blacked out with a marker before deposited. Mehe.


  44. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:28 pm Potty Mouth Mommy Says:

    omg soooooo teh awesome!!!

    I about laughed my own ass right off reading this!!!

  45. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:29 pm Brutalism Says:

    Seriously fantastic.

  46. On September 2nd, 2009 at 11:41 am Mary Sue Says:

    [religious spelling pedantary]

    And the leading of the prayers even went fine. I did not erupt into a fireball of flame and ash at the alter.

    The alter? Whew. If you were at the altar, there would have been lightning and the heavens rent open and stuff.

    (Actually, probably not, since they let my fool ass in church every week and not so much as a peep from above– churches being more for the sinners than the saints after all)

    [/religious spelling pedantery]

    THIS is precisely why I should not be leading prayers!

  47. On December 24th, 2010 at 2:49 pm David K Says:

    As I re-read this post on Christmas Eve (because it is so awesome) I notice that this comment has (GASP!) mismatched tags.

    You can’t have pedantry both ways, dear, especially when they’re both wrong.

  48. On September 2nd, 2009 at 11:48 am Kristin Says:

    ROFL. This reminds me of a teacher I had. She hada dog named Champagne and, whenever she bought pet supplies (which was ALL THE TIME), she would write “For Champagne” in the memo field. People thought she was the biggest lush around.

    hahaha! nice! next time I’m going to write, “FOR HOOKERS.”

  49. On September 2nd, 2009 at 11:48 am Scottsdale Girl Says:

    In my 20’s I always wrote “for services rendered” thinking that was soooo clever. Now I write “Pimp Money”

    Can we be BFF’s?

  50. On September 2nd, 2009 at 11:50 am Kate Says:

    That is the funniest thing I have ever heard. I can just imagine P. in that situation, too. She’s so professional-looking when dealing with business-people.

    It killed me not to put up a picture of her.

  51. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:09 pm Beautiful Mess Says:

    AHAHAHAHA!!!! I can’t wait for her to get even with you. Nice work!

    oh, she will. she will.

  52. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:10 pm Daniel Says:

    people still write checks??

    if i ever write a check i’m totally gonna have to do this!

    only for weddings. but yes, you must.

  53. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:11 pm Cassie Says:

    That is freaking hilarious. I would have DIED if I were her LOL

    me too! HA!

  54. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:16 pm amy d Says:

    I am so relieved to know that other people get damn good use out of the memo portion of a check. My hubster is famous for this!
    Although, usually it goes unnoticed as the recipiants of the check never have to actually face the banking staff. This is just classically funny!!

    of all of the checks for the same amount, it had to be that one…

  55. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:16 pm Venti Vixen Says:

    OMG, you are the best friend I always wanted, that is fucking great. This post made my week.

    BFF! Hooray! I’m pretty sure Pashmina will disown me now.

  56. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:34 pm Wendy Says:

    I laughed so hard I spit coffee all over my desk and a co-worker had to ask if I was ok! Had her read your post and she did almost the same exact thing. Still chuckling while cleaning up…. Best. Idea. Ever!

  57. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:41 pm Cathy Says:

    Coffee sooo out my nose….I only write a check to my nice guatemalen cleaning do you say “butt” in Spanish? Better not. She might not make our bed ever again.

    I think I’d be more concerned with what she was going to DO in your bed. Heh.

  58. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:47 pm melissa Says:

    i don’t even know what to say i’m laughing so hard.

  59. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:57 pm Rachel Says:

    You are my freaking hero. Just in case you weren’t already aware….but I’m sure you were. I once did that to one of my best friends too…wrote “for sexual favors” in the memo line of a check to help cover her boyfriend’s birthday party. She never, ever cashed it because she was too embarrassed. So to get back at me she put “for dildos and a whip” on the check she gave me as a wedding gift…and the best part was…she included it in a “Get Well Soon” card instead of a “congratulations you’re married now sucker” card. I freaking love that girl. However I wasn’t embarrassed to cash my check. I know no shame. Hhmm…maybe I should give her cash for the check she never cashed from me? It’s been like 6 years now…

    I TOTALLY should have sent Dave to buy one of those cards! Or a “Happy Birthday Niece” card. HA.

  60. On September 2nd, 2009 at 1:08 pm Katy Says:

    no one in my family ever really put anything in the memo part except for “happy birthday” or “merry christmas” so i never really thought about doing anything on the check. i might start with putting weird things on my check to my psychiatrist. if they think you’re crazy, they’ll keep giving you pills.
    and contrary to what anyone might assume, i don’t really intentionally embarrass my friends (except for the sex store story. i just fanned the flames of embarrassment). i’m just awkward when they talk to someone they know, but i don’t, because those impolite bastards don’t know that you need to introduce your friends to others. so, i just stand there, smiling and awkwardly laughing like the retard of the group (sorry to be so un-PC).
    you know what? just for being jerks, i am going to start embarrassing my friends. thank you, aunt becky, for planting the evil seed.
    now i’m going to be 12 for a minute. dude, aunt becky p planted her SEED in me!

    *cue Bevis like laughter* SEED Heh-heh-heh.

  61. On September 2nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm becca Says:

    I used to do this to my checks I’d write for bills to my boyfriend (cuz if it were up to me we’d sit in the dark smelling bad for lack of water and AC) and I’d write things like “for the hot lovin’, sexy pants” or “you know what it’s for, dirty boy”. Something along those lines. Sometimes (and I still do this) I’d draw little cartoon houses and light bulbs and dog faces in the memo line. And he always sighs, and shakes his head but deals. Except one time. In a particularly snarky mood, I had written “for the diamond smuggling” and he threw a FIT. Totally shredded it up and made me rewrite it. The rewritten version was still an embarrassment though as I wrote “i still love you my prude.” πŸ™‚

    Nice job with the butt sex on a wedding check. I have a wedding to go to this weekend and it’s just too bad I already bought an actual gift. damn the luck!

    Bwahahaha! Rock on!

  62. On September 2nd, 2009 at 1:23 pm COURTENAY Says:

    I love your fans. Theyre A L M O ST as awesome as you.

    Dude. My Internet? RULES.

  63. On September 2nd, 2009 at 1:30 pm Jaime M. Says:

    OMG… so laughing out loud! My cat thinks I’m insane now. Great story and what a great idea! I’m going to have to write a check out for birthdays now instead of cash just so I can try it out. You definitely made my day with this one!

    Thank you!

  64. On September 2nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm Rebecca Says:

    I used to write stuff like that on my checks back when I had my own bank account. Now that I’m married, my lame husband who is a goody-two-shoes, would never let something like that slip.

    Sometimes, if I get to the income tax stuff before Kevin does, I’ll sign my name and my occupation as CEO Of ‘last name’ Corporation. Or “Stinky Diaper Brigade”. He generally trashes that one and prints out new forms and makes me ‘be responsible’. I’d like to think that someone at the IRS has a sense of humor and would appreciate something other than ‘stay at home mom/ house maker’.

    My occupation is listed as Reigning Queen of the Sausages. But I may have to rethink that. Maybe I’ll be Head Mischief Maker.

  65. On September 2nd, 2009 at 1:39 pm Kori Says:

    If I had friends who weren’t already married and If I had a checking account, I would save this up to do for them. Because I AM that nice.

    You can live vicariously. You’ll probably get less donkey porn subscriptions that way.

  66. On September 2nd, 2009 at 1:50 pm My Baby Sweetness Says:

    Stumbling over here from the blogger’s choice awards and now I have to vote for you! Even where I’m in the same category as you because this is SO funny.



    I think I’m in love with you.

  67. On September 2nd, 2009 at 2:13 pm Coco Says:

    This is the best wedding story EVER.

    Even better than the drunken rednecks who beat each other up and ended up in jail on their wedding night. So you KNOW it’s comedy GOLD.

    Pashmina will probably sign you up for a donkey porn internet subscription in retaliation, but it was WORTH IT.

    I absolutely deserve it.

  68. On September 2nd, 2009 at 2:36 pm Bluebird Says:

    That’s freaking hilarious. After all those years of writing ornery-ness in the memo section, and it finally paid off! I’m just sitting here trying to figure out how I would have handled it had one of my friends (and, one in particular seems like she would get along peachily with you) done that to me πŸ™‚

    Probably considered murdering your friend?

  69. On September 2nd, 2009 at 3:42 pm Pagan Says:

    I married a Catholic and was lucky enough to a) be pagan and b) not be baptized so that I didn’t have to go through the standing, kneeling, etc etc. The church was gorgeous. The six weeks of premarital class sucked ass–especially considering not even five years later I got traded in for a child (she’s 19) girlfriend and a jag.

    ANNNNYYYWHO, your blogs always make me laugh, but this one has special significance to me! My sister is getting married next week…and I will HAVE to pull this on her. HAVE TO HAVE TO! Especially since I’m the maid of honor (almost wrote “horror…”) and she’s trying to deny me my toast! WTF?!?!? You have to toast at a wedding and say something completely inappropriate! My “poor broken heart” needs some mischief to pull it through! haha!

    Maid of Horror is right! And DOOOO it!

  70. On September 2nd, 2009 at 4:47 pm Beyond Alice Says:

    LMAO – that is awesome!!!

  71. On September 2nd, 2009 at 3:55 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    This one time? At church? (when I actually went to church) The minister was going to be gone and asked ME to lead the service. She had a visiting minister do the sermon, but I had to lead everything else! No, really. I swear.

    And I am definitely going to have to start using fun stuff in the memo comments!

    I don’t have the capacity to use “threaded comments” thanks to this really user unfriendly template, so this works for me. PLUS, I prefer dialogue to anything else, so, you know, then I never shut up.

  72. On September 2nd, 2009 at 4:01 pm Unindicted Co-Conspirator Says:

    So sorry! You have however, just made me realize as a recovering catholic, that I’ve go the catholic version of gaydar and woulda seen this coming by a mile. So thanks for telling me that my life doesn’t suck the most in the world today.

    This is why I should have told The Internet first. YOU would have warned me!

  73. On September 2nd, 2009 at 4:37 pm Rebecca Says:

    Just had to come back and report that when my husband came home from work I told him that my blog friend “Aunt Becky”…….we are friends right?….Anyway, I told him that you wrote “Butt Sex” on the memo portion of a check and he was all huffy and puffy and said “But that could get her into big trouble. A check could be considered a federal instrument……” or something to that nature. I just had to laugh.

    Dave would have said something similar, had he known. Heheh. Buzz-kill husbands!

  74. On September 2nd, 2009 at 4:47 pm mysterious m Says:

    Can we, okay I (a lurker) please hear the story about getting busted by Jesuits??

    Of course!

  75. On September 2nd, 2009 at 5:00 pm dg at diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Oh please let me sell you something. Anything. I would so LOVE to have to explain to my husband why someone wrote me a check for Butt Sex.

    Hahaha! Maybe I could send you a check for a dollar.

  76. On September 2nd, 2009 at 5:55 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Oh my God, Becky…this may be the funniest blog post I’ve ever read. Tripping over to Pashmina now to see if she’s written anything about it!

  77. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:05 pm Jayna @ Yankee Drawl Says:

    Oh hell. I just woke the baby up, I was laughing so hard. That one tops all. I used to write “for my slumlord” or “jack shit” on my rent checks back in college, but never had to brave enough to actually hand it to someone.

  78. On September 2nd, 2009 at 6:08 pm Kelly Says:

    That’s awesome! Good thing my husband doesn’t let me near the check book, or I would me writing that in the memo section all the time after reading this!

  79. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:19 pm Holli Says:

    This is one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a long time. Love it!

  80. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:29 pm Becca Says:

    You are flippin’ hy-larious!!! Dude, I would seriously have fallen over dead right there in the bank. πŸ™‚

  81. On September 2nd, 2009 at 11:11 pm Nicole Says:

    Holy shit that is funny! The snort I just emitted made all 3 children stir. When hubby and I first started living together I would write him a check for rent each month. It wasn’t until the 3rd or 4th check that he realized I was writing things like, “For living in sin” in the memo box. I had totally forgotten about that until you posted this, and have now decided that someone at the phone company is going to have a good laugh when next months’ payment arrives!

  82. On September 2nd, 2009 at 11:43 pm GingerB Says:

    I’ve been using “for sexual favors” for years but I am abolutely switching now. Funky!

  83. On September 3rd, 2009 at 8:44 am p jane Says:

    “For services rendered…” was a college favourite (those days before debit cards).

    These days the only checks I write are to the (Christian) preschool, city Parks&Rec (afterschool/summercamp) and the school cafeteria. While I’m all for embarrassing my kids in public, I’d rather not have my childrens’ caretakers thinking CPS should be involved. Getting old and boring bites, eh? Thanks for the laughs!

  84. On September 3rd, 2009 at 9:49 am Lola Says:

    Nice!!! Reminds me of the charming things I’ve written on memo lines before.

  85. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:22 am Potty Mouth Mommy Says:

    heh… butt sex….makes me giggle like a prepubescent boy!!! πŸ˜›

    I’ve been oh so tempted to do something like Aunt Becky and the butt sex check… especially to this one landlord I had who was the most arrogant slumlording asshole on the planet. I can just picture him taking a check into the bank for “butt sex”…. what joy I would have derived from that…

    It almost makes me regret the fact that I NEVER use checks anymore…

  86. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:23 am MrsHeb Says:

    I so wish we had checks to write other than child support to my husband’s ex-wife. She’s a real nutter and would sooooooo not appreciate or see the humor. I need to find some more checks to write.

  87. On September 3rd, 2009 at 2:11 pm Kimmer Says:

    Actual tears rolling down my face!!! Way too funny!!!

  88. On September 3rd, 2009 at 2:53 pm Soxy Deb Says:

    You are so NOT invited to my next wedding. Butt sex. Man.

  89. On September 3rd, 2009 at 3:07 pm Dora Says:

    Just hysterical! Between this post, Pashmina’s post, and all the comments, I have been laughing so hard! Every time I have a laughing fit, the baby girl residing in my uterus starts kicking me.

  90. On September 3rd, 2009 at 7:33 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    First a check for butt sex is totally awesome, I wish someone had done that for me on my wedding day. Second, where is think meat twinkie? More importantly where can I get one of these?

  91. On September 4th, 2009 at 10:53 am Minnie Says:

    We might be more alike than I thought, Love.

    Shit. THAT sucks.

  92. On September 4th, 2009 at 11:56 am mumma boo Says:

    Freakin’ hysterical! Remind me never to ask you for money. πŸ˜‰

    Just make sure that I give you cash. I can’t fuck that up too badly unless I give you Canadian currency.

  93. On September 5th, 2009 at 11:58 am Twitted by AirJunkie Says:

    […] This post was Twitted by AirJunkie […]

  94. On December 30th, 2009 at 10:30 am The Evolution of Aunt Becky at Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] name. Pashmina, who I talk about here as my college roommate and the person I humiliated with the Butt Sex Check, was […]

  95. On March 29th, 2010 at 8:18 am Rebecca Says:

    YES! My roommate and I used to do this to each other and try our hardest to embarrass each other. I received checks for “pussy pleasure” and “anal beads” among others. Aw, memories…

  96. On July 27th, 2010 at 11:58 am Leslee Says:

    Holy shit! I am SO happy that I used my small amount of intarwebs time to read this. You literally made me cry with laughter and NOT hormones. YAY! πŸ˜€

    P.S. Bed rest fucking BLOWS.

  97. On July 27th, 2010 at 12:23 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bed rest is bullshit and I’m glad I could make you laugh. xox

  98. On August 6th, 2010 at 8:46 pm Heather Says:

    That made me laugh out loud! Your awesomeness is duly noted.

  99. On February 20th, 2011 at 7:57 pm muskrat Says:

    I used to do this to my friends in college in the mid ’90s, back before everyone paid with online banking. I loved owing someone money back then, just to see how filthy I could be in the “memo” blank.

  100. On July 5th, 2011 at 7:26 am Caroline Says:

    Ok so you totally have to go on youtube and type “surprise butt sex”…’s hilarious. There is nothing more fun for a grown up adult to write stuff like that to another grown up. It keeps you from getting old.

  101. On August 24th, 2011 at 4:08 pm ronetta Says:

    last week i wrote my mom a check, and in the memo line, i wrote “clean panties’. another check i wrote ‘enema insertion’. she said the bank teller did all she could not to bust out laughing. lol. i love the memo line. it gives me joy.

  102. On December 10th, 2011 at 1:33 am smart aleck Says:

    My adorable husband has always written embarrassing things on the memo line, thinking that I won’t cash them. Which would work in his favor because he’s cheap.
    His cheapness is EXACTLY why I cash them immediately, after letting a sharpie dance over the memo line.
    Past examples “pole dancing”, “hot lovin'”, “sexual favors”…
    So when I had to write a check to him (yes, we have separate accounts), I repaid the favor….and laughed my butt off when I saw the electronic cashed version that he had crossed the words out before cashing it.

  103. On August 28th, 2012 at 4:34 pm The Mouth Breather - Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] stared at the phone for a second before wandering down the hall to Pashmina’s room. Without knocking, I walked […]

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