Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



Tomorrow, I will surgery.

That sounded so epic in my head. Like something you’d hear from a particularly dramatic scene in one of those annoying dramatic movies I don’t watch because they’re filled with trite dialog like, “Tomorrow, I will surgery…” stares off into the distance poignantly, perhaps clutching a heart locket or maybe a tattered book.

Either way, I’m scheduled to go under the knife tomorrow sometime. Because it’s the hospital, they don’t exactly GIVE you a time and then stand by it or anything. Dave can’t comprehend that, which means it’s a good thing he doesn’t work in medicine, or his head might explode into pulpy bits because he simply cannot comprehend how something cannot be at! a! given! time!

I mean, I get it. When I worked as a floor nurse, people would be all, “when is radiology coming to get me for my imaging study?” and I’d be all, “sometime today,” knowing ‘today’ is a nebulous concept in a hospital, where variables upon variables stack upon one another. Someone urgent needs the CT scan or the OR and you get booted from your time slot. Tough shit, home slice. Except you can’t SAY that to a patient even if you want to because, well, OBVIOUSLY.

So I’m assuming that I’ll have surgery. Except that maybe I won’t. Because shit happens, man.

But in the event that I do indeed have The Surgery, I’m really excited. I’m nervous, too, but really, I’m excited. It’s nice to finally be able to have a dream that I can accomplish. Okay, that was too Lifetime Movie of the Week for me.

In the event that I have The Surgery tomorrow, I’m thrilled because I’ll FINALLY have an excuse to lay around pop pain pills while I make others do my bidding. THAT is pretty much my life’s dream.

And uh, DRUGS ARE BAD, KIDS, Look at Your Aunt Becky. You don’t want to turn out like Your Aunt Becky. Remember that the next time you’re offered drugs by a gang of peer-pressuring street thugs. Or Lil Wayne. He’s a walking anti-drug campaign.

Scared straight yet, bitches?

Tomorrow it is.

Hopefully, I won’t die. Because that would suck.

I’ll update as I can from the hospital (yay! WI-FI) as I am staying overnight and likely housed with a roommate who will probably be a total psychopath, which means I will get zero sleep, so YOU will get drug-addled posts about the BUBBLE PEOPLE ATTACKING ME ZOMG THE BUBBLE PEOPLE, but I may or may not be up to returning emails.

Especially if they begin:

“Dear Blogger, we think your readers will love…”

Also: Wrote about body image at Toy With Me.

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
84 Comments to


  1. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:38 pm Anna aka Gots2noJohstono Says:

    You’re awesome and everything will be fine like wine. That’s why those bitches make so much. I’ve been sliced open and came out better, just more scars. They stitch you up and send ya home. I’ll miss your smart ass while you locked up. Can’t wait to see drugged up tweets. It’s kinda what I been looking forward to. ; )

  2. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:38 pm Erika Says:

    Dying would suck, but you won’t die. Good luck and, um, have fun πŸ™‚

  3. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:40 pm Kristin Says:

    Good Luck tomorrow!! And hopefully you will get to have The Surgery. I can’t wait for your drug addled posts. You’re my hero. And Lil Wayne scares me A LOT!!

  4. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:40 pm jessica Says:

    Good Luck!!!!

  5. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:41 pm Nancy P Says:

    Good wishes and all that sappy crap to you!

  6. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:41 pm Simple Dude Says:

    No specific time?? I can’t understand that either… it’s like flying stand-by at the airport! Who do they think they are.. the cable company?


  7. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:41 pm Half Assed Kitchen Says:

    Good luck! Can’t wait to see your after pics. You will be posting them, right???

  8. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:41 pm little big / exlibris Says:

    I’m pouring a 40oz for you right now.

    Take care.

  9. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:42 pm MrsLaLa Says:

    I am totally on the late show, what is the surgery for? (Assuming you feel like sharing that info, that is.) Hope all goes well & enjoy the pills!

  10. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:45 pm Barbara Says:

    Good luck tomorrow! Please don’t die.

  11. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:45 pm Jess@Straight Talk Says:

    Best of luck tomorrow for the surgery! Get the GOOD drugs.

  12. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:45 pm DrLori71 Says:

    A roommate? Good lord, that may be the scariest part of your entire experience. Unless you’re at a teaching hospital and you have to deal with the intern…now that’s scary!
    Good luck!

  13. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:08 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  14. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:47 pm Katherine Stone Says:

    I know a little bit about surgery as I’ve had three on my spine alone! Just keep watch over that morphine pump — hit that baby off every time you can! Will be thinking of you!

    — Katherine

  15. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:48 pm Tershbango Says:

    Milk it for all the sympathy, flowers and Dilaudid you can!! Good luck…

  16. On November 2nd, 2010 at 4:26 pm Chahula Says:

    Didn’t you hear? The poor girl’s allergic to Dilaudid.
    Let’s all have a moment of silence.

  17. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:50 pm Gen Says:

    Hope all goes smoothly tomorrow.

  18. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:51 pm Rox Says:

    You won’t die and you will be to cracked out on pain pills to remember what a blog is. Good luck my dear.

  19. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:14 pm No Good Says:

    May your surgery result in a six-pack and no more headaches!

  20. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:18 pm Roccie Says:

    Best wishes.

    The best part is the count down from ten as your meds ramp up and you go under…. ahhh…..

  21. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:18 pm Roccie Says:

    Best wishes.

    The best part is the count down from ten as your meds ramp up and you go under…. ahhh…..

  22. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:28 pm Katya Says:

    Thinking of you! & wishing I could have afforded the plane ticket to come be a bum — er I mean take excellent and loving care of y’all — on your couch.

    Get better fast babe!

  23. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:29 pm Zak Says:

    Sending you glitter hugs straight from Colorado.

  24. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:30 pm Sarah Says:

    Heyo Becky,
    Take before and after pics!!!! Your gonna be all hot an sexy with a flat tummy in a bikini this summer πŸ˜€
    I hope surgery goes well…and I hope you get a nice big bottle of Vicodin…with a refill πŸ˜€ LoL
    Talk to ya soon lady


  25. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:30 pm CycleNinja Says:

    Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. (someone had to say it).

  26. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:32 pm Rebecca Says:

    I used to not get the whole sometime between 2 and tomorrow thing at hospitals but now that I have Joey, I totally understand. What was supposed to be a simple MRI of his neck when he was a little under 3 months old turned into a full head and upper chest MRI.

    What was supposed to be a biopsy when he was a little over 3 months old turned into a full excision that left Joey with an 8 inch scar (on a 3 month old baby that barely weighed 10 pounds) They were working so dangerously close to a nerve that controls his entire left side of his body that they were worried about paralyzing him.

    So I get the difference between real time and hospital time.

  27. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:32 pm leanne Says:

    You WILL surgery. May you kick its ass. And not die.

    Also, what DrLori71 said about a roommate. Yikes!!!!

  28. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:33 pm Just Jenn Says:

    I’ll be praying for you!! You should take before and after pictures!!

  29. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:34 pm Michelle Says:

    We loves you, preciousss. Good luck!

  30. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:42 pm Tanya Says:

    Aunt Becky,
    sending you prayers, hugs, vodka, demeral, whatever gets you thru! Can’t wait to hear you updates post op.

  31. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:42 pm Tanya Says:

    Aunt Becky,
    sending you prayers, hugs, vodka, demeral, whatever gets you thru! Can’t wait to hear you updates post op.

  32. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:45 pm andygirl Says:

    good luck!

  33. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:56 pm Mary Says:

    I can’t wait to read your blog while you’re high. It’s pretty crazy already. (kidding) I hope everything goes well and you can keep your beloved crotch parasites from jumping and bumping on your tummy.

  34. On November 2nd, 2010 at 2:00 pm Andrea Says:

    Good luck! Hopefully it is a wonderful success and I will be then convinced to follow suit. I’ve been thinking of it for YEARS.

  35. On November 2nd, 2010 at 2:06 pm Leslie Says:

    Good luck! It’s my dream to have it done. I have the pot belly too, and it sucks! Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Please have The Daver keep us posted if you aren’t up to it!

  36. On November 2nd, 2010 at 2:08 pm steph gas Says:

    your tummy will be full of the win and your brain will be filled with the drugs. have a happy surgery even though i don’t approve of plastic surgery and am secretly judging you harshly.

    KIDDING. like i’m any kind of judgy. i don’t even OWN judgy pants. all i have are comfy pants. with holes. and no pants. because pants suck. they’re all tight and clothesy.

    anyway. have fun surgerying!

  37. On November 2nd, 2010 at 2:14 pm linlah Says:

    Yeah, I can see you with the tattered book but ZOMG what if you’re the scary roommate?

  38. On November 2nd, 2010 at 2:27 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    I am totally scared straight! Getting your eyelids tatooed has got to be hurt like a bitch!

    Good luck, my favorite Aunt Becky. *Hugs*

    And BTW, I name dropped you on and your community sites on my today’s post, which also happens to be my 100th! Yea!

  39. On November 2nd, 2010 at 2:28 pm toywithme Says:

    There will be no dying – UNDERSTAND?!

    *But if by chance you don’t make it, which of course is never going to happen, you know your ultra cool little blue hat? I was thinking maybe The Daver could send it to me, you know, as something to remember you by, ’cause that’s how much I love you πŸ™‚

    P.S. Is it wrong that I’m excited for your drug induced tweets?

    Love ya Becky xoxox

  40. On November 2nd, 2010 at 2:39 pm Wicked Stepmother Says:

    You’ll do fine.

    Tell them that you’re scared; sometimes you can score some Liquid Valium pre-op.

  41. On November 2nd, 2010 at 3:05 pm Josefina Says:

    That picture made me really, really sad.

    Totally excited about drugged-up Aunt Becky tweets. Do not let me down.

    You’re going to do great. Praying for you.

  42. On November 2nd, 2010 at 3:14 pm Lauren Says:

    Good luck, Aunt Becky! Enjoy the drugs!

  43. On November 2nd, 2010 at 3:17 pm Lisa Says:

    This surgery is so full of the awesome!! here’s to praying for no blood draws in the middle of the night just as you finally get yourself to sleep . . . πŸ™‚ Or enough nice drugs to make you not give a shit!

  44. On November 2nd, 2010 at 3:25 pm Sunday Says:

    Good luck! Don’t forget to save some meds for when you are feeling better!

  45. On November 2nd, 2010 at 3:31 pm Dana Says:

    Looking forward to the painkiller infuse Aunt Becky tweets. Expect to see me Tuesday – I’ll stop by on my way to the Tattoo Factory : )

  46. On November 2nd, 2010 at 3:31 pm Jules Says:

    When they ask you your pain scale from 1 to 10, always err in the high side of eight. Morphine lives on that side. Good Luck tomorrow!

  47. On November 2nd, 2010 at 3:32 pm txjennk Says:

    Good luck and enjoy the drugs. I too understand the concept of “hospital” time. It’s a strange concept which I believe was designed just to screw with people on the good drugs they dispense…and their families, who for some odd reason get no drugs at all. Screw the pre-op liquid valium for me…my family members are usually psycho and need it much more than me.

  48. On November 2nd, 2010 at 3:33 pm Elly Lou Says:

    I miss you and yer bewbs already. But you better come back. The end.

  49. On November 2nd, 2010 at 4:03 pm Deidra Says:

    As if your posts weren’t funny enough! I can’t wait for the drugged-up tales you’ll have for us next…

  50. On November 2nd, 2010 at 4:16 pm Losing Brownies Says:

    Best of luck with the surgery and a speedy recovery!! I hope you get to boss a lot of people around!

  51. On November 2nd, 2010 at 4:20 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    Aunt Becky, you will totally rock the surgery. I command it.

    But I’m looking forward to the drug-addled interwebbing. Because aside from semi-stalking the cute but clueless guitar player, I have no life of my own.

  52. On November 2nd, 2010 at 4:26 pm dufmanno Says:

    I’m excited by the prospect of many and varied stories about Bubble and/or Balloon man attacks as they tend to be quick and full of drama. That will be easy to report on when you are on pain meds.
    Your going to rock that OR, even while unconcious.
    Get better quickly and return to us as soon as possible.

  53. On November 2nd, 2010 at 4:31 pm a Says:

    Every man dies. Not every man really lives.

    As long as we’re delivering movie quotes here…

    Enjoy having your ab muscles in full contact all the way through again! This is covered by insurance, right? Maybe you can get a sponge bath from a hot nurse.

    Good luck…with the surgery and with the roommate – it’s bound to be a 60 year old with a very loud voice and horrible gas, who talks on the phone and snores. But my mom’s not going in the hospital, so there’s one down.

  54. On November 2nd, 2010 at 4:36 pm Mwa Says:

    Good luck!

  55. On November 2nd, 2010 at 4:47 pm Caron Says:

    Good luck, dear! This is epic!

  56. On November 2nd, 2010 at 4:57 pm Kathy Says:

    Don’t forget, if you die (which you won’t), I get your blog. And it shall become a daily whore pants tribute page complete with Mr. Sprinkles images and mushy songs lip synced and uploaded to You Tube.

    But of course, it won’t. Because you’ll be fine. And not dead.

  57. On November 2nd, 2010 at 5:27 pm Didactic Pirate Says:

    Y’know, it’s a goddamn hospital. They should be able to schedule stuff with reasonable assurance. It’s not like an airport where activity is dependent on the weather, right?

    I missed the part about what your surgery is for. I’ll assume it’s something diabolical involving…. THE BRAIN. MWAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

    I’m sure it will all go fine. Blog from your comfy hospital bed and tell us all about the trippy dreams you had under anesthesia.

  58. On November 2nd, 2010 at 5:45 pm Kadye Says:

    Well wishes to you! I can’t wait to read about the bubble people

  59. On November 2nd, 2010 at 5:50 pm giggleblue Says:

    i love wayne! no really, i do.

    and i hope your surgery goes well!!!!

  60. On November 2nd, 2010 at 5:50 pm Lauren Says:

    You will be just fine! And even though you’ll be in pain (unless you utilize your morphine drip button AND YOU SHOULD) it’s awesome to have people waiting on you. And if you’re cathed you don’t even have to get up to go to the bathroom!

  61. On November 2nd, 2010 at 5:54 pm Melissa Says:

    Good luck sweetums! You will NOT die. And there are no cosmetic surgery emergencies are there?

  62. On November 2nd, 2010 at 6:01 pm Libby Says:

    Good luck! I hope they don’t cut off/attach the wrong thing. Although, extra toes would be cool.

  63. On November 2nd, 2010 at 6:17 pm Beautiful Mess Says:

    Good luck babe! I’ll be thinking about you and NOT thinking about stealing you lovely pretty little pills ;o)

  64. On November 2nd, 2010 at 6:22 pm Opto-Mom Says:

    I’m totally singing, “Posting like a crackhead” for you…to the tune of Party Like a Rockstar, of course!

    Definitely hoping for some crackhead posts from you!!!

  65. On November 2nd, 2010 at 6:47 pm Michy Says:

    You can’t die yet! I haven’t met you in person to give you a big hug or something like that! So you will surgery and be okay! I said so!!!

  66. On November 2nd, 2010 at 6:54 pm mumma boo Says:

    Good luck, babe! Thinking of you and wishing you happy Vicodin dreams! *smooches*

  67. On November 2nd, 2010 at 6:56 pm Momma Chaos Says:

    Woohoo ! Surgery day is upon us (you). Good luck tomorrow. If you get a psycho roommate, just sic the Bubble people on them instead !

  68. On November 2nd, 2010 at 7:30 pm Lippy Says:

    I will be thinking of you! Mmmmmm post-op drugs RULE.

  69. On November 2nd, 2010 at 7:44 pm Carrie Says:

    I am looking forward to your “drug-addled posts”. Good luck & remember we all have your back – even if we live on the other side of the country. :O)

    BTW – I am scared straight for sure now.

  70. On November 2nd, 2010 at 7:57 pm Halala Mama Says:

    Best wishes! I mean, I don’t know exactly what Hallmark would say on this grand occasion but Best Wishes seems to fit. I think. Awww hell.

  71. On November 2nd, 2010 at 8:08 pm t_d_duker Says:

    Oh my god….your total dramatic beginning cracked me up!

    Two years ago shortly before Christmas I had surgery and had to stay overnight. My parents were hanging with me in my room and all of a sudden we heard some music. Turns out the Salvation Army band visits during the holidays to cheer patients up. They popped into my room with a fleece blanket, some cookies (I’d just had thyroid surgery so my neck was cut like someone tried to decapitate me so I wasn’t really in a cookie mood)and of course, religious literature. Anyway, the band stood outside my room and played music and I started laughing and told my mom that it reminded me of some cheesy Lifetime movie where the daughter is dying at xmas and her family surrounds her while “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” is played by a brass band. My mother was not amused.

    Anyway, tomorrow I will be clutching a tattered book and staring longingly into space while I send you positive vibes – and then positive healing vibes so you feel better quickly.

  72. On November 2nd, 2010 at 8:16 pm katrina Says:

    Fuck Yeah!—what CycleNinja said…(“dying is easy, comedy is hard”) You will totally kick ass surgery….just keep hittin that morphine pump! I will be sending you positive energy and love from Oregon.

  73. On November 2nd, 2010 at 8:19 pm katrina Says:

    Oh yeah….you already know this, but if you get a psycho roommate you just have to be MORE psycho on them until they move ’em out///

  74. On November 2nd, 2010 at 8:57 pm teki Says:

    A few years ago I had the liposuction. Pretty extensive. (best. Decision. Ever.) when I first woke up I was surprised how burpy I was! I also found saltines and sprite to be a lifesaver for days after. Best of luck, you’ll love the results!

  75. On November 2nd, 2010 at 10:19 pm Kristin Says:

    You’ll kick that surgery’s ass tomorrow. Hope it helps.

  76. On November 3rd, 2010 at 12:30 am MannyRee Says:

    Good Luck!!!

  77. On November 3rd, 2010 at 4:29 am Mariposita_Obsidiana Says:

    I must have missed something (which wouldn’t surprise me since right now my life only consists of sleeping, sometimes eating, sometimes showering, sometimes Facebooking, and keeping a 9 month old), cuz I don’t know what TEH SURGERY is! But anyhowzit, I’ll be thinking of you, praying that all goes well, and hoping they give you your very own morphine pump so that any time your crazy roommate does something, you can take a trip into happy land.

  78. On November 3rd, 2010 at 6:30 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Now probably isn’t the best time to point out that in zombie movies, the initial gestation period of the disease that makes everyone into zombies is usually 2-3 days and that the first sick people show up at a hospital AND it’s 2-3 days since Halloween. Sleep tight.

  79. On November 3rd, 2010 at 7:30 am MommyNamedApril Says:

    you’re going to rock the socks off that fucking hospital.

  80. On November 3rd, 2010 at 8:16 am DeeDeeBee Says:

    Good luck with willing surgery today!

  81. On November 3rd, 2010 at 9:44 am Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points Says:

    Loving, good, fast-recovery, pain-free thoughts for you.

    Last time I was in the hospital, I argued with the aide about what my name was.

    That was fun.

    Go that route.

    But you can claim something funny.

    Like that your name is Esmerelda or something.

  82. On November 3rd, 2010 at 10:41 am magpie Says:

    Good luck, honey. Are you going to tell the nurses that you’re a nurse?

  83. On November 3rd, 2010 at 2:42 pm Kelly Says:

    Lil Wayne scares the shit out of me…I don’t think I’ve seen a picture of him quite so up close like that. It’s good to know that he Fear’s God, but maybe next time he should put that tattoo somewhere where he doesn’t need double mirrors to read it the right way? Or the inside of his eyelids instead of the outside? Then at least he could have read the words when he was sleeping.

  84. On November 3rd, 2010 at 7:29 pm Kat Says:

    Thinking good thoughts for you! I’ll be right over here in the corner holding your vodka while you’re gone…

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