Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



It appears as though finally the events of the past year have caught up with me as I knew they would eventually. You can run all you want, but eventually it comes time to pay the piper. Whomever the piper happens to be. What a dumb saying that is considering I have no idea who or what a piper is. (Because if *I* don’t know it, no one else would either, right?)

I’m fine, really, I am, just sitting on my couch chock full of The Anxiety For No Good Reason and wishing like hell I had another adult home with me to talk to. I’ll live, I just need some head-space, I think. Which will be in no easy task considering that Christmas (o! how I wish I could not celebrate thee this year) is around the corner and my eldest is home from school and currently trying to drive me to drink.

So, Internet, here is where YOU come in and why I’m bothering posting about this at all: I need some distractions and I need your help in getting them. What do you do when you’re anxious and you can’t self-medicate with delicious, o! delicious vodka (assuming exercise is also not going to happen, either)? If you’re not an anxious person, then tell me something funny. An anecdote or something.

45 Comments to


  1. On December 22nd, 2008 at 12:38 pm Marie Says:

    My cat peed on my hubby’s pillow Saturday night because I accidentally locked him in our bedroom when we went out. We had to sleep on the living room because I had the guestroom piled high with UNwrapped presents and the cat managed to get pee on the matress too.

  2. On December 22nd, 2008 at 12:42 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    I hate the anxiety, and I’ve got nothing for you… today (well, technically today’s post is kinda funny; kinda bad parenting, but kinda funny) but the next few days are lined with good stories (or at least pictures).

    If you really, REALLY need a pick-me-up, email me and I’ll tell you about Thursday’s post.

  3. On December 22nd, 2008 at 12:55 pm Kristine Says:

    I’ve got nothing really. Hope you’re doing better.

  4. On December 22nd, 2008 at 1:05 pm tash Says:

    Damn, my plan B is usually “More Booze,” and plan C is “Coffee,” and none of that is horribly helpful, is it. I’m the queen of teeth grinding stress, and I’ve done nothing to help myself, either. I’m supposed to be doing Yoga or taking long soaking baths, but who has time for that shit? (Grinds teeth some more)

    Can you hole up with a good video game for a few hours? Take out your inner road rage?

  5. On December 22nd, 2008 at 1:15 pm kbrients Says:

    Clean….or get into a good book??

    I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way!! ;(

  6. On December 22nd, 2008 at 1:45 pm Kirsten Says:

    My name is Kirsten and I am a psychologist and an anxious person – I wish we had 12 step meetings! When I am really, really anxious, I do relaxation exercises with deep breathing, new agey music, lying prone, go to my happy place, etc. BUT I realize this requires another adult in the house – is there someone who could relieve you for 15 minutes? Another idea would be driving around, which usually calms my kids down – you could look at Christmas lights or just listen to music? I know getting out of the house is a challenge, too.The final thing that works for me is self-talk: imagining that the anxiety is like an unwanted cruel old boyfriend, and I “mock” it and imagine beating it up, so it doesn’t “win.” With a razor sharp sense of sarcastic humor like yours, I can imagine lots of good “mocking” statements for that bastard anxiety! Remember, you are awesome, excellent mom with lots of extra challenges right now, but they are all time-limited. Vodka is just right around the corner, really. Take care and best of luck to you!

  7. On December 22nd, 2008 at 2:14 pm Mrs.Spit Says:

    How about a big hug? I can do that. . . .

  8. On December 22nd, 2008 at 2:14 pm Karen Says:

    I usually turn to vodka. Or wine. But in your delicate conditions, I suggest a mani and pedi. Or lunch with a girlfriend. Or some mindless Maury Povich on TV.

    Sending you calming vibes.

  9. On December 22nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm Mark Says:

    Have you tried snorting xanax?

  10. On December 22nd, 2008 at 2:45 pm Betty M Says:

    Fresh air usually helps me and getting away from family.

  11. On December 22nd, 2008 at 2:48 pm a Says:

    You know, I do like Mark’s suggestion. But as a slightly less chemical solution…I recommend singing Christmas carols at the top of your lungs. Involve the child who is driving you to drink. Now, I’m not recommending this for Christmas spirit, but because everyone knows all the words to many Christmas songs. As an alternative, there are those patriotic songs (National Anthem, God Bless America, etc). Sing – top of the lungs – the more people who find it annoying, the better. (It’s basically like sanctioned screaming and you can do it sitting down!)

    Good luck. I too am trying to hold on to my composure. Holidays plus PMS – not a good combination.

  12. On December 22nd, 2008 at 2:48 pm The Mommy Says:

    Can’t help. In the middle of my own anxiety-filled haze. Must go bake something. NOW! (Oh. I guess that’s what I do when I need stress relief. Bake. And then eat it.)

  13. On December 22nd, 2008 at 2:49 pm swirl girl Says:

    Go to Craigslist and look at the tab called Best of Craig’s List (on navigation bar on the left side of the page)- it’s the same for all cities.

    Good for at least a few good chortles and guffaws.

  14. On December 22nd, 2008 at 2:56 pm melanie Says:

    I know the anxiety all too well, and having it when you are all full of fun hormones during pregnancy, well its just CRUEL. I do something similar to a post above, the self-talk thing, and I try to distract myself with either a good book (Janet Evanovich always distract me, and even get me laughing), or good blogs on the ol’ internets. Facebook can be a fun addiction too, just anything to distract….however, I totally get that you probably can’t read worth a damn with kids running around.

    Got a stay-at-home-mom (or Dad) friend that you could IM, or call?

  15. On December 22nd, 2008 at 3:11 pm heather Says:

    Get out of the house. Seriously. I like the Christmas lights suggestion; throw the kids in the car with the “looking at lights” premise, grab a coffee, and play some music. Days when it’s just too much, you’ve just GOT to force a change of scenery. Or spend money, but driving aimlessly in much more financially fiscal ;).

  16. On December 22nd, 2008 at 3:16 pm excavator Says:

    I like Kirsten’s post about treating anxiety as a cruel ex-boyfriend! Here’s an article about treating it like a lizard:

    I found it helpful anyway.

    Good luck. I hate anxiety-jabs. Like being stuck with a pin or a jolt of electricity.

  17. On December 22nd, 2008 at 3:45 pm kalakly Says:

    Dude, call me. We can pretend to drink and get stupid…then we can write a cookbook devoted soley to cooking with breastmilk. We’ll call it the “The Breast of Me” or “Mammary’s of Me”. We’ll make a fortune.

  18. On December 22nd, 2008 at 4:00 pm Miss Grace Says:

    I like to fantasy shop on Read all the reviews and stuff.

    Oh and 80s Brat Pack movies? The best.

  19. On December 22nd, 2008 at 4:10 pm Heather P. Says:

    Chocolate baby!
    I pray for you every night. (((HUGS)))

  20. On December 22nd, 2008 at 5:12 pm guilty noodles Says:

    I pick at my head while watching a bad movie on HBO.

    Or I shop online and buy stupid shit for my dog and kids.

    You can always call me to shoot the shit. The one thing you can count on this season is me having a nervous breakdown, sitting in front of the TV creating as many bald spots as I can.

  21. On December 22nd, 2008 at 5:13 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Oh GIRL, I feel ya. You know I’m always logged into IM when I have my computer up. Feel free to shoot the shit anytime. You can rant and rave at me all you want.

    I hope you get some relief soon, hon.

  22. On December 22nd, 2008 at 5:42 pm jerseygirl89 Says:

    Having given up the vodka and the cigarettes that got me through my twenties, I have now turned to chocolate, fantasy shopping on Amazon and ranting about the news on my blog.

    Sometimes I really miss my twenties.

  23. On December 22nd, 2008 at 7:27 pm michelle Says:

    I teach middle school. I understand the kids making you nuts…. as my “gift” to my students, today we watched crazy stuff on You Tube. I suggest Mr. Bean, Praise Break (dancing in Church) and mad TV. All of it had me in hysterics. Also, some clips of the Ellen Degeneres show when she went to Trader Joe’s, the dollar store, and pumped gas. Took the stress of the season and i laughed all day. I was able to come home to my own kids and not threaten them with duct tape for the first time in two weeks…

  24. On December 22nd, 2008 at 7:46 pm birdpress Says:

    Last time I was feeling really anxious I cut my hair, which made me have to clean the bathroom, which made me have to clean the bedroom attached to the bathroom, which made me have to clean the rest of the house. Cleaning isn’t really fun, but it is a good kind of feeling knowing that you are making things clean, and then when you are done you feel better. Or you can find some bubble wrap and pop it. That helps too.

  25. On December 22nd, 2008 at 7:55 pm Em Says:

    I go for a walk, by myself. Is that possible??!!

  26. On December 22nd, 2008 at 7:57 pm Holly Says:

    I’m sorry you’re so stressed right now. I have been there and it is no fun. I like all of the above suggestions (the ones you can do). 🙂 You could also go read about the Oreo Balls on my blog….LOL.

  27. On December 22nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm Stacey Says:

    I find something funny to read or watch. I keep a bunch of comic strip books for just that purpose – Stone Soup, Baby Blues & Dilbert are my faves. Or movies like Clue or Spaceballs – stupid funny stuff. Make the annoying child sit & watch with you, that will relax him as well.

  28. On December 22nd, 2008 at 8:40 pm rayne of terror Says:

    First, I bite any fingernails off. THen I eat a whole box of noodles, preferably with tuna, until I feel sick. Then I obsessively refresh my bloglines/twitter account looking for escape.

    Sometimes I talk to my cats or watch my fish.

  29. On December 22nd, 2008 at 9:12 pm Ames Says:

    When I’m anxious I eat…eat…and eat some more. Usually something super fattening like cheesecake or cream puffs. Funny vids on youtube do work wonders as well though!

  30. On December 22nd, 2008 at 9:37 pm Sandy Says:

    I am an EXTREMELY anxious person and since I try my best to do without meds or booze, when I get extremely anxious, so anxious that I can barely sleep, I tend to gravitate towards cleaning…not normal cleaning, but massive overhaul throwing shit away and cleaning the shit out of things till they bleed type cleaning.

    Speaking of which, I gotta run…I hear a dust bunny on a ceiling fan taunting me…did I mention that I am extraordinarily anxious of late?

  31. On December 22nd, 2008 at 10:17 pm Holli Says:

    I am not an anxious person at all, so I will tell you a funny story and this is totally true! When my son was just born I had a pet pot belly pig. She loved to roam the yard that was between our house and my mother-in-laws house. One day my mother-in-law called because she thought something was wrong with my pig. She seemed to be pooping- but her poop was stuck in her butt. I was concerned, so I went outside to investigate. Imagine my horror when I discovered that my pig had gotten into our garbage and eaten a (used) condom, and the condom was coming out of her butt, but was stuck and was FILLING UP WITH POOP! (I swear I am not making this up!). It was hanging out of her butt like a brown water balloon. Also imagine my embarassment when I had to tell my (elderly) mother-in-law what was wrong with the pig. I also had to get a glove on to pull the poop-filled condom out of her rear end.

    It was seriously one of the funniest/sickest/most-embarassing events of my entire life.

  32. On December 22nd, 2008 at 10:19 pm Holli Says:

    I can’t believe I just told you that!

  33. On December 23rd, 2008 at 12:03 am Jenn Says:

    I’m sorry… I had something to say but then the one comment I happened to read was the poop-filled condom and now I can’t remember what it was.

    I really AM sorry that you are feeling anxious, though. I can certainly relate to that. BIG HUGS. xoxoxo

  34. On December 23rd, 2008 at 12:09 am mandy Says:

    I’m so boring, I have no anecdotes to share. I only can share what I know, which is THIS: When I am stressed, which is like every other Friday (bill day) and every day besides that, I just go ape sheet on everyone in the house and then get mad at them because they must surely hate me. Sometimes I cry, but usually I just bark at like everyone and I totally cannot control it. I live in a constant state of angst, lately. Everything that is a stressor is likely and usually does push me over that mental *edge* that normal people easily stay away from. You never know what’s gonna happen when momma gets mad, so watch out! So, if nothing else, you should feel as though you are certainly not alone in this special, special *place* 🙂 I’m just a little further on down the hall.
    Merry Christmas

  35. On December 23rd, 2008 at 12:42 am Backpacking Dad Says:

    Battle For Wesnoth.

  36. On December 23rd, 2008 at 3:58 am baseballmom Says:

    I so understand. I’ve been trapped in the house by all of this snow, and finally got out today. Before that, I found myself stressing out and getting headaches about nothing really specific! I wish I could just slow down and enjoy the season more.

  37. On December 23rd, 2008 at 5:27 am SCY Says:

    It sucks to be in that place. I normally buy loads and loads of junk food and eat it all when I’m stressed.

    Sending you BIG HUGS!!!!


  38. On December 23rd, 2008 at 8:41 am Dot Says:

    I’m surprised no one has said it, but how about taking some time alone to sit with the anxiety and try to find out what it’s about? Where is it coming from? Is it bad enough to take some meds for it? Apparently anxiety and depression are two sides of the same coin, and I’ve lived with them for many years.

    I find the depression easier to understand and handle than the anxiety, but if I really look at the anxiety, it usually breaks down something like this for me (not necessarily for you, but the process of finding out might be the same) — “I’m havnig a good time and enjoying myself, I’m plannnig on doing more of that, my mother didn’t allow any fun for anyone except herself, if anyone had any fun that didn’t include her she would come down hard on them with rage, now I’m scared.”

    All of that happens for me on a subconscious level, so I have to sit still and try to make it conscious. Then I can counter it with, “I lived through hell already, I don’t need to perpetuate it, I’m allowed to have fun, she was wrong about life, fun is normal.”

    Hope that helps. I know how yucky anxiety feels. (Hug)

  39. On December 23rd, 2008 at 10:13 am Gail Says:

    First off, I find that cheesy poufs help with anxiety. Don’t ask, just eat.

    Next, I do like the suggestion of aimless driving with coffee and loud music. Always helps me.

    Lastly, the expression about paying the piper comes from the story “The Pied Piper of Hamlin”. Basically it’s a German cautionary tale about a town that is over-run with rats. A piper shows up, and offers to rid the town of rats for a price. The townpeople agree, he tunes up his horn, plays a rat-happy tune and marches all the rats right out of town. When he comes back to get paid, the townspeople don’t want to pay him. So, in the end, he tunes up his horn and plays a kid-happy tune, and marches all the children out of town in revenge. Early kidnapping/ransom, but the fact is that when you don’t pay the piper, bad things will happen.

  40. On December 23rd, 2008 at 10:22 am tryingin2007 Says:

    shopping, “pretty in pink,” mashed potato pizza, sleeping, or shopping. or… sleeping.

  41. On December 23rd, 2008 at 10:54 am Coco Says:

    Well, when I’m stressed, I bake. And bake. And bake. I’m pretty sure that’s not your thing, though, but the premise is the same for any activity requiring a lot of attention to detail but not a lot of thinking. Iron. Clean out your closets. Vacuum. Organize the canned goods.

    Ok, you’re not into any of that. I understand.

    In that case, I have a funny story for you, but it’s too long for the comments, so I shall leave it for you over at my blog.

    Although I don’t think anything can really top the Pig and The Poop-Filled Condom.

  42. On December 23rd, 2008 at 11:26 am Just For You, Aunt Becky. « Mommyhood and Life Says:

    […] For You, Aunt Becky. My beloved Aunt Becky is having a day. She needs some lovin’, and nothing says lovin’ like Coco’s Christmas Tales of […]

  43. On December 23rd, 2008 at 2:23 pm PT-LawMom Says:

    I’ve had a really rough year with anxiety from my divorce and other stuff. I got a really expensive and delicious vibrator from Babeland and spend a lot of quality time with that. I have also spent waaayyy too much money on iTunes and lose myself in music. I’ve found that anxiety has made it very hard to read, which is sad because I love reading, so I have since turned to StumbleUpon to find random sites that might make me smile or old comedy shows to see if I can laugh. Laughter really does calm you. Feel better!

  44. On December 23rd, 2008 at 2:25 pm Amy Says:

    Anxiety, it makes me tired! I tend to sleep a lot, yes, even when anxious! Sleep makes most things better so does, s.e.x….can you do that one or are you NOT allowed to?

  45. On December 23rd, 2008 at 6:42 pm Lola Says:

    No alcohol, no weed, no exercise? Hmmm…

    Masturbate the day away, maybe. Well, that will only work if you can reach around the belly. Give it a try. Worst case scenario, you get a good laugh out of it!

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