Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it.

That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.

-Stephen King, The Body

I’ll be back tomorrow with more pointless drivel. Today, there are too many things I can’t talk about here anymore that I can’t seem to escape. Even in writing. I don’t mean to be deliberately cryptic, it’s just not my story.

Let me distract you! Look! A cute baby picture!


Further proof that she is Her Mother’s Daughter (kind of, but not entirely like His Master’s Voice. Remember that ad?).


This is designed to make you feel old. This was almost 4! years! ago!


Alex showing his displeasure at having his hair washed. Because I am a huge jerk who wants my children to be clean.


Love to you all. Thanks for being there.

(God, am I REALLY talking about feelings and love? BLECH)

P.P.S. Tell me something cool. No, really, I want to hear about your stuff-n-things.

65 Comments to


  1. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:07 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. If I were getting committed, I would be throwing a kickin’ party.

  2. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:11 pm Badass Geek Says:

    I heart you.

  3. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:16 pm Notesfromthegrove Says:

    I. am. so. confused.

    No inapropriate, cuss-filled banter?

    What have you done with Aunt Becky???????

  4. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:28 pm ryanandjoesmom Says:

    Baby Joe has a weird ass virus and so my Dad would not allow him in my parents’ house today. He is home with my once again jobless husband who is ‘so tired’. Blergh.

  5. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:30 pm Potty Mouth Mommy Says:

    I can tell you something NOT cool- not cool is puking your guts out from stupid fertility drugs during the 2ww and you don’t know if it’s just the medication or stress or maybe- just maybe the drugs worked again and you actually are getting morning sickness but it’s too goddamn early to even TEST yet… and ….

    yeah… nothing much happening here…

    Please excuse me while I go empty my guts… again… /sigh

  6. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:32 pm ryanandjoesmom Says:

    p.s. viral ridden baby joe did not wake his dad up until 930. explain to me why the husband is so tired?

    Oh – didn’t you know today is all about me?

  7. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:50 pm Kristina Says:

    Clean? My kid laughs in the face of clean. Last weekend the closest thing he got to a bath was swimming in the lake. I know. Parent of the f-ing year.

    Also, Alex looks like he knows something. I don’t know what, but it’s something big.

  8. On July 8th, 2009 at 11:59 am Tina Says:

    You getting committed? Can I come too?

  9. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:11 pm Creepy Mommy Says:

    Last night my baby stayed at her dads house. This morning I woke up refreshed and rejuventated, poured myself a hot cup of coffee and sat down at the computer. My cat had coughed up a disgusting, wet, juicy, green hairball on my computer chair and my ass sat in it! It was really, really fucking gross. Probably not the cool thing you wanted to hear, but sistah, it was nasty!

    Um, also, my babies got laser beam eyes. That’s cool.

  10. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:12 pm Creepy Mommy Says:

    I meant ‘baby’s.’ Sheesh, go back to school.

  11. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:17 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    I was gonna tell you something cool but then was distracted.

    May have had something to do with you being in the finals….but I can’t remember.

    Who am I again?

  12. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:27 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    To distract you, how about we talk about the possible FDA ban on Vicodin and Percocet? Because of the TYLENOL that’s in it. Fine, just take out the tylenol and give me the codeine. I could live without the tylenol anyway.

  13. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. Tylenol gets me SOOO fucked up. Except that ban? Ridiculous.

  14. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:31 pm Kristin Says:

    I know this is totally not a normal Aunt Becky post or comment but my thoughts and prayers are with you and whoever else needs them.

  15. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:32 pm Employee No. 3699 Says:

    I have been in heaven this week at work. My co-worker is on vacation and I don’t have to listen to her nonstop personal phone calls all day that make me want to throw a Swingline stapler at her.

    (insert McDonald’s jingle here) Ba da da da da, I’m lovin’ it!

  16. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:38 pm choosy Says:

    Something cool…The weather today is that perfect mix of sun and breeze where you’ll get hot if you do too much out of in the sun so you feel like the earth is telling you to sit the hell down and enjoy the shade for a while.

    And I would to. Except I have to work.

    Here’s hoping for some perfect days coming your way sometime soon. And the time to enjoy them.


    (sorry, I just couldn’t end on the sappy. Just did not feel right.)

  17. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:40 pm Llyn Says:

    Well, up here in Wisconsin we’ve had some serious sausage-burning going on:

    I’m pretty sure your recent “up north” visit is not connected in any way with this unfortunate event.

    They’ve let the Cudahy people come back to their homes now, because the fire chief is “pretty sure” there won’t be a huge explosion from all the ammonia and encased-meat ashes.

  18. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:51 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh Em Ge. That’s awful! We live right by a Sausage Factory and good LORD.

  19. On July 8th, 2009 at 1:48 pm 21st Century Housewife Says:

    I went to the movies — in the middle of the day, yo! I didn’t even see a chick flick — I saw “The Hangover.” And I laughed my ass off.

  20. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:53 pm nic @mybottlesup Says:

    ummm… right… something cool…. i bought a sundress at target yesterday that i am wearing today without a bra or underwear.

    how bout that?

  21. On July 8th, 2009 at 12:54 pm MK Says:

    Well love and hugglebumps back. Smooches! ((hugs))

    kidding aside, those are some cute ass kids. Fo Sho.

  22. On July 8th, 2009 at 1:04 pm g Says:

    I have a post up about Hairy Tacos, that should entertain you.


  23. On July 8th, 2009 at 1:07 pm a Says:

    Seriously…there have to be better forms of discipline other than tying your child to his chair with his hands behind his back. Perhaps that is why Alex is giving you the stink eye? He thinks he’s next? Poor Ben, no wonder he prefers the Daver. 🙂

    I hope all is well in your house…

    Um…my stuff…my daughter has a Tinkerbell Tea Set that she got from her uncle for Christmas. Plates, cups, spoons, saucers, teapot, etc came in a larger teapot container. She had the stuff all set up the other day, but it was nearing bed time, so my husband told her it was time to clean up. She wandered around for a little while, in the manner of 2 year olds, and so he told her again that it was time to clean up. So she sang Barney’s clean up song, and wandered around some more. He told her again to clean up, and then she said “No. I sit on my butt.” Then she plopped her little behind into the opening of the teapot container and laughed at him. I guess she’s got a little of me in her after all…

  24. On July 8th, 2009 at 1:19 pm marymac Says:

    What’s cool for ME is being in the same top ten as you (will need to give you a if there is a Most Obnoxious Blogger contest) and that you visited my little Jammies and Java bloggy and commented and omg added me to your blogroll and .

  25. On July 8th, 2009 at 1:19 pm marymac Says:

    oops that would be and…


  26. On July 8th, 2009 at 1:30 pm Lindsey Says:

    something cool…….shit. All out of cool. Story of my life.

    Something not cool? Luisa gets up at 5:30 am no matter what time she goes to bed. On vacation? She goes to bed at 9:30 or 10. NOT COOL LUISA!!!

    I’ll be back tomorrow for more Aunt Becky.

  27. On July 8th, 2009 at 1:40 pm daisy Says:

    I have nothing cool for you but whatever is going on my thoughts and prayers are with you!!

  28. On July 8th, 2009 at 1:56 pm Lisa Says:

    What is not cool? Some freaky pod person snatching my Aunt Becky and posting for her. My money says that Alex knows who did it and has his stink eye set on stun, but otherwise is not talking.

  29. On July 8th, 2009 at 2:05 pm Tara Says:

    Whar adorable pics of the kiddos.

    I myself am getting a IUD placed today…in an hour and I’m so not looking forward to the pain. Oh and I already am having cramps right now so it should be 10x’s more fun.

  30. On July 8th, 2009 at 2:08 pm amy d Says:

    So my ultra conservative, devoutly religious mother & father-in-law have both decided that they are waaayyyy too pasty to be seen in public, much less on the beach. So they are having me escort them to get a……..wait for it……..
    SPRAY TAN tomorrow!!!

    Dude, I can barely contain my utter gittiness over such an event! Ought to make for good blog material, no?

    Hope everythings ok:(

  31. On July 8th, 2009 at 2:14 pm EPMaxwell Says:

    Love “A”‘s post about tinkerbell teaset. hehehehe… sounds like mine! Oh, and Aunt Becky, luvs you too. the kids are adorable!

    something cool- an orange tomcat recently adopted us. He looks kinda young, but he’s very friendly. He’s been hanging out in my carport for almost a week. The funny thing is my dog Champ (a boxer) is kinda scared of him… i can tell he’s trying to be friends with Champ, but Champ is just not ready. I guess he’s never met a cat before.
    Anyway, we started feeding him a few days ago, and he wants to come inside but we won’t let him. He has to go to the vet first. I am hoping he sticks around (if so then I’ll try the vet trip); my little princess thinks he’s “sooo cute mommy”. I think I’ll call him Ceasar.

    Do you have any animals?

  32. On July 8th, 2009 at 2:20 pm deb Says:

    Well, to take your mind off things, tomorrow the new season of Big Brother starts and I plan to get drunk and watch. Ok, fair enough the getting drunk is nothing new, but I will be doing it while watching Big Brother which hasn’t happened in a few months. SO that’s something right?

    Hope things, whatever they may be, will turn around. For whomever it may need to turn around for.

  33. On July 8th, 2009 at 2:38 pm Inna Says:

    I hope everything turns out as ok as possible.
    I love seeing pictures of your kids.
    something cool? Well, I’ve been growing bacteria all day long today. Its been a fun exchange from looking at DNA all day 🙂

  34. On July 8th, 2009 at 2:43 pm Anne Says:

    Just came across your blog, and can’t believe I’ve never come across it before. It’s really great. You’re one kick ass blogger!

  35. On July 8th, 2009 at 2:51 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Well, for starters, the ‘rents left for Texas today, so the boys and I have been enjoying the calm, tension-free house and watching 80’s stuff like Pee Wee’s Playhouse and Big.

    Oh, and I told the therapist about the mother post the other day, and how many commenters had similar experiences. He said that it is definitely a generational thing, dude. He said that his mother (lives 30 minutes away) has been to his house twice in six years. He’s 30. Our moms are assholes, man.

    I hope you feel better about whatever’s troubling you. Bloggy love for ya.

  36. On July 8th, 2009 at 2:52 pm Dora Says:

    You want cool? I got cool. I haven’t posted about this yet, but starting this past weekend, I’m feeling mah baybee move!! For realz! 🙂 Serious coolness!

  37. On July 8th, 2009 at 2:57 pm Apple Sauce Says:

    I wrote a whole post today about good stuff. It’s a list of 5 or so things, and only took me an hour and a half to come up with!

    The best thing going on in my world today is that we are getting a puppy. Complete with puppy breath and puppy grunts and puppy skin that’s 10 sizes too big.

    Oh, and my four year old just told my mom ” Geez Gram, you’re really, really OLD!”

    I hope everything works out okay.

  38. On July 8th, 2009 at 3:03 pm Extreme Kickass Says:

    I’ll tell you a funny story about my four month old daughter that will make you roll on the floor with laughter and glee. So she woke up at 4:30 am. I tried to get her to go back to sleep by nursing her, and that just became a chew on Mommy funfest, so I stopped that, and just laid on my back, topless, hoping she’d go back to sleep. I heard her moving around and stuff, but I didn’t pay attention, because I could tell she wasn’t close to the edge of the bed or anything. Soon enough I can feel her little arm on me and open up my eyes and she had rolled onto her tummy, scooted up to me, pushed herself close enough that her head could reach my chest, and she was face down, desperately searching for a boob to latch onto. This is my first child, so I don’t know, maybe this happens all the time, but it was my first real indication that according to her, my body isn’t my own anymore, it’s just something to gnaw on. Awesome.

    Hope your day gets a little brighter. I know reading your blogs every day always makes my days a bit brighter.

  39. On July 8th, 2009 at 3:04 pm heather Says:

    I took my daughter and her bf to the amusement park again today….they wanted to leave by 3 pm. Total wimps. Now they are sitting around soaking up my ‘spensive AC because it’s just soooooo hot outside…whine whine. One day this summer I’m going to go back to that park ALL BY MYSELF and ride all the rides I want to ride, eat funnel cakes and blue ice cream, and not come home ’til dark. How’s that for ya?

  40. On July 8th, 2009 at 3:11 pm Gina Says:

    I secured a babysitter for the two boys so Friday night me & hubby can go to our friends “Redneck” party – I know it is an oxymoron because we live in the south but I am not from the south, I am from NY. So I’m thinking a Nascar shirt, some cut-off jean shorts that are WAY too tight & a spare beer stored in the vault between my boobs. Not cool but if you let yourself go there the visual is pretty funny.

  41. On July 8th, 2009 at 4:24 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Always want to hear your news, Becky-Girl.

  42. On July 8th, 2009 at 3:51 pm Stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I’m packing up to go visit my home town for the first time in 2 years. I plan on stuffing myself with my favorite pizza, taking my kids to the park where I spent every summer of my childhood and getting all teary while they play on the swings and feed the ducks JUST LIKE I USED TO DO! and then stuffing myself with more pizza & maybe spend some time with my Brother & his family. I should return Monday 8lbs heavier and maudlin.

  43. On July 8th, 2009 at 3:55 pm swirl girl Says:

    Penguins, ice cubes, Antarctica, slushees….howzat for cool.

  44. On July 8th, 2009 at 4:34 pm Hope Says:

    I’m worried about whether Michael Jackson’s body is in the ground yet or not.

  45. On July 8th, 2009 at 4:36 pm Thomas Says:

    Gawd… what’s up with Alex’s arm was my first thought in that bottom picture. You tricked my Aunty Beckie. Bad Aunty Beckie!!

  46. On July 8th, 2009 at 4:36 pm Thomas Says:


  47. On July 8th, 2009 at 5:02 pm June Says:

    I do hope you are okay.

    My exciting news? The terrible renters next door got evicted. They lived here TWO WEEKS. The one guy? Hung his mouth open all the time. I have been watching them move, and mouth hanger-opener is movin’ and hangin’. Movin’ and hangin’.

    I keep hoping the new neighbor will be my new best friend. I was not going to be friends with a 25-year-old, baseball-cap-wearing, screaming-at-his-dog Eva guy.

  48. On July 8th, 2009 at 6:08 pm Mimi Says:

    Hang in there, Becks. Whatever it is, know that you are loved, even by people who don’t “know” you personally, like yours truly.

    That being said, my crotch is sweaty. I HATE when my crotch gets sweaty. I think I may go use a hair dryer on it.

  49. On July 8th, 2009 at 6:43 pm Io Says:

    You know what’s cool? These little bottles of wine that I got when I went to Cincinatti. I should have bought a ton of them. I’m not enough of a lush to drink a real bottle of wine, but I like having a glass in the evening without having to open a bottle and then forget about what’s left and having it turn to vinegar before I remember.
    Um. I think it’s cool anyways.

  50. On July 8th, 2009 at 7:00 pm stacie Says:

    Hugs coming your way. And love. And if you can believe it, a lot of hope! She has finally entered the picture and I have some to share. 🙂

  51. On July 8th, 2009 at 7:02 pm Karen Says:

    I hope you are all ok. I have to say that I love little Alex. He is just too cute for words.

  52. On July 8th, 2009 at 8:35 pm eden Says:

    I’ll tell you what’s cool … YOU are cool.

    Once I actually was really committed. (Well, twice, technically) I had killer heels on and a hot handbag, walking around the psych ward saying, “But I really don’t need to be here!!” And the nurses would say, yes dear.


    Today, that is insanely funny. That someone can be so fucked up and come through it and be a soccer mum. Who’s laughing now, dismissive nurses!!

    I loved the Stephen King quote. It made me realise how melancholy I am today, for no reason. Hope you are ok. XOX

  53. On July 8th, 2009 at 7:36 pm Meg Says:

    Glad to see it’s not just me who’s had the rotten day. Sending you a hug <3 and I hope tomorrow brings something better than the crap that rained on us all today.

    Go have a drink it may not help right now but once the alcohol hits the blood stream well then all will be GREAT!!! until the hangover tomorrow :p

  54. On July 8th, 2009 at 9:06 pm Candid Engineer Says:

    Yesterday, I learned the Chinese word for “silly vagina”, as taught to me by a labmate. Meant to be used (typically between men) in the following type of situation:

    Man 1 and Man 2 go and get noodles. Man 1 accidentally dumps noodles all over his shirt. Man 2 says to Man 1: “You silly vagina! Go clean yourself up!”


    One of my American labmates and I have been calling each other silly vaginas all damn day.

  55. On July 8th, 2009 at 8:46 pm Holli Says:

    Do you wash Alex’s hair in a pool? Because it looks like he’s in a kiddie pool?

    I only ask because I have nothing else to offer. I’m very boring lately.

  56. On July 8th, 2009 at 11:05 pm Lola Says:

    I got out of work early, so the best friend and I met up for “lunch” around 1:00. It ended with us annoying an entire bar by doing Borat impressions with a cute 29 year old around 7:30. Just woke up on the couch with a hangover, and now I am going to bed.

    How’s that?

  57. On July 9th, 2009 at 2:09 am GingerB Says:

    My baby with cerebral palsy has been practising a little something that can cheer you up – this is a baby with a sluggish right arm and we work on baby tricks to help her strengthen and grow.

  58. On July 9th, 2009 at 6:10 am Heather Says:

    Here’s my something cool… after 6 days in the ICU my baby sister got moved to a room last night!! YEAH for her!! That’s one more step to out the door and we couldn’t be more excited!!

  59. On July 9th, 2009 at 4:35 pm mumma boo Says:

    Whatever it is, Becks, I’m sending good thoughts that it resolves soon in a happy way….

    Something cool? My almost-three-year-old making rainbow shapes on the table with his fudgsicle instead of eating it.

  60. On July 9th, 2009 at 8:38 pm Kristine Says:

    Hey! I was a total jerk today when I both dared to mak my kid shower AND put on either underwear or a diaper – his choice, but it couldn’t be neither.

  61. On July 10th, 2009 at 7:18 am Jenn Says:

    I can’t think of anything jerkier than wanting your kids to be clean. WHAT were you thinking?!
    You know you can email me. If you need/want to. I have two eyeballs and they are MUCH better listeners than my ears. xoxo
    And awww, we wuv you too!

  62. On July 10th, 2009 at 11:27 am Coco Says:

    Sending you The Love, Becks.

  63. On July 10th, 2009 at 5:01 pm Kendra Says:

    Sorry to hear things aren’t good. The pictures are fantastic, and I just bought that exact same booster–three of them! I hope it’s held up well for the last four years, because I hate buying those damn things and want these to last until I die.

    After about 12 weeks of construction, my house is almost livable again; we have a shower! That’s as cool as I’ve got at the moment.

  64. On July 16th, 2009 at 7:13 pm excavator Says:

    this is the kind of post that drives my nosiness nuts. Even if the pictures are awful cute. WHAT can’t you talk about anymore?

  65. On July 18th, 2009 at 11:39 am excavator Says:

    So, um, is that a photo of your child tied to a potty seat? And hands bound behind him?

    Did he ever produce?

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