Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



Even though it means I’m days closer to having The Daver go back to work–he takes the week between Christmas and New Years off–and thereby leaving me alone with my daemon (toddler) spawn, I’m so fucking happy that Christmas is over for the year.

I’m still pretty shocked by my reaction to the holidays in general this year: I’m normally THAT PERSON that you hate for being thrilled and awed when the Christmas stuff gets put out in the stores in August, and the person who reverently listens to Christmas album after Christmas album in my car in July. I get thrilled by spending ridiculous amounts of cash to give Martha Stewart a wrapping for her money, I carefully unpack and put out all of the 4,000 bins of Christmas decorations I’ve accumulated over the past years. I get misty-eyed when the Christmas programs start running on television, and I typically bake more cookies than anyone can possibly eat.

This year, however, was a bare-bones operation. And even still, as I sit among the piles of stuff that I need to sort and put away in their proper homes, I’m slightly blue that I wasn’t Feeling It this year. Don’t get me wrong: my sadness isn’t because I DIDN’T do the stuff, it’s because I DIDN’T WANT TO. And that is a-typical for me.

It’d be like waking up after having Cheerios as your favorite breakfast food for 25 years only to discover that now it tastes like battery acid to you.

But whatever. The whole fucking she-bang is done, and although we might all be suffering from massive Christmas Hangovers and a little crank-a-licious, we’re all pretty pleased that everything went off as well as it did. And moreover, it’s done! Praise Baby Jesus, it’s DONE!

Now is the time to hurry-up-n-wait for Amelia’s arrival, which will, of course, seem an eternity. Something about that last month(ish) of pregnancy seems to defy all Matters Of Time and yawn wildly into years.

Anyway. Moving on.

So, what would my obligatory Christmas post be without a good chuckle? Nothing much, I’m afraid.

I have this aunt and uncle, both of whom I adore completely and see (sadly) infrequently, but every year since I can remember, they travel to Costco, buy the sort of stuff you’d normally pass by and snicker at, and then wrap it up and send it to us. I’d like to imagine it’s a very cerebral joke as they’re both academics, but I somehow doubt it. I seem to bear the brunt of the weirdest of it.

This years take-home? A collectors box set of West Side Story for The Daver and I.

What’s wrong with that Aunt Becky?
You may ask yourself. I mean, it’s a musical and it’s fun and who doesn’t love fun + musicals?

That would be The Daver and I. Especially moi, who tends to equate musicals with the type of torture that involves pulling out toenails and watching The Facts Of Life marathon on late night TV. I’m not only not a Movie Person, I’m REALLY not a Musical Movie Person. And I’ve never been, which left Daver and I mystified as to why on Earth we’d gotten this as a gift.

Certainly it would be an excellent gift for…someone. Just not us.

Thankfully, however, we were neatly able to pawn this puppy off on my father-in-law the following day and have been spared the inevitable back and forth we normally do with gifts like this. Now he, HE loved it. And I loved that I didn’t have to find someone else to give it to. Because it WAS a nice gift.

For someone else.

What was the weirdest thing you got this year as a gift?

(ed note: as my husband, The Daver, who is addicted to Work-a-hol is blissfully off for the next couple of days, I will be few and far between. I’ll be too busy watching him tackle 547 house projects that have gone unnoticed for the rest of the year.)

posted under Cheaper Than Rehab
40 Comments to


  1. On December 28th, 2008 at 11:10 am swirl girl Says:

    Okay- so now I’m pissed. You trashed The Facts of Life and West Side Story in one post? Harumph…You can be all anti-Christmas for all I care, but some things are sacred. Tootie and Jo and Maria and Tony never get a fair shake around here. 🙂

    anywho….the weirdest gift I ever got? A plastic Pop -n- Fresh doughboy squeezetoy. I think it was actually a doggie toy, but I never found out. I cherished that thing for years.

  2. On December 28th, 2008 at 11:39 am Jenn Says:

    I am feeling that way about Christmas this year too. I was never quite as excited about it as you were but I do generally like it SOME at least. This year I was all “Get this shit OVER with already.” I feel that way about the whole year actually. Bah frickin’ humbug.

  3. On December 28th, 2008 at 11:40 am kalakly Says:

    I think the Christmas blues were an epidemic this year. Must be global warming or something…

  4. On December 28th, 2008 at 11:54 am a Says:

    I was briefly excited about Christmas this year…but then my husband put in his two cents, and I deflated like a month old balloon. So now I’m just glad it’s over. He’s totally anti-holiday and makes it sound like he never had any good Christmases (which I know is not correct).

    I’ve never really gotten any weird gifts (other than duty gifts from people who don’t know me at all), so I have nothing to add. Just happy the holiday season is almost over.

  5. On December 28th, 2008 at 11:57 am tash Says:

    1) nothing (my MIL)

    2) “Life is Good” PJ’s (from my mother. seriously, wtf?)

    I got a little more energy this year, but it quickly fizzled. I’ll be glad to take the shizz down and get my house back. Over-rated.

  6. On December 28th, 2008 at 12:31 pm kate Says:

    weirdest gift:

    i bought a new nail block recently. you know, those multi-colored deals with like 8 different sanding surfaces for one’s nails and i could not find the thing after i bought it. the girl had grabbed it, squirreled it away and wrapped it up as a gift for me. weird indeed.

  7. On December 28th, 2008 at 1:05 pm Karen Says:

    I would have liked that West Side Story thingy. But I am a sucker for old movies. And I can sing every word of every song in that one.

    But moving on…this year I didn’t get any gifts that were too strange. I asked for a gift certificate from a certain spa from my dad so I could get a facial. He very lovingly upgraded my request and got me the “2009 Half Day Special” which includes 45 minutes of being “flogged by ostrich feathers”. Um. Sounds weird to me.

  8. On December 28th, 2008 at 1:22 pm Queen-sized funny bone Says:

    5 GALLONS of bubble bath so you know it was quality stuff.

  9. On December 28th, 2008 at 3:44 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    I didn’t get any weird gifts this year, and I was definitely not into it, either. I am usually the most cheery person around the holidays, but not this time.

  10. On December 28th, 2008 at 3:45 pm baseballmom Says:

    I HATE musicals too-my mom’s been bugging me to see Mamma Mia, but I’m just not into that stuff! I was so not into it this year either, and I don’t even have a new baby to look forward to, so I don’t know what it was-I felt like it was a chore this year. My weirdest gift ever was a Clapper from my late MIL, and it didn’t even WORK! This year, the weirdest was a battery tester (wtf) and an atomic clock from my grandma, plus light-up stocking holders for the WHOLE FAMILY from my aunt-and they even have pictures of each of us on them, in case we forget how to read our names on our stockings. Crayzee.

  11. On December 28th, 2008 at 5:31 pm guilty noodles Says:

    My sister-in-law (aka batshit crazy SIL), went to the Disney Store and purchased a purple Minnie Mouse jumper from the kids section in a XXXL. It was velour with a peter pan collar. She left the tags on, revealing it cost her $65. Not only was it five times too big for me, but I was 7 months pregnant at the time.

    I’m not sure where she got the idea I liked Disney crap and that it would be flattering for me to parade around town in a kid’s velour jumper while pregnant.

  12. On December 28th, 2008 at 5:33 pm Eva Says:

    My mom got me a ton of scrapbooking supplies. I don’t scrapbook. I did start sewing a little. I guess she got confused. Now I’ll have to start scrapbooking I guess!

  13. On December 28th, 2008 at 5:33 pm Em Says:

    Toe nail scissors – but I totally asked for them. Dear Hubby happily provided. I couldn’t bring myself to spend the $5 myself, but you need them, right?

    I’m with you on the thank God it’s over thing. Half of the decorations are already down. I’d have the tree already shoved back in the attic if I could just leave the ornaments on the damn thing…

  14. On December 28th, 2008 at 10:02 pm PajamaChick Says:

    I’m with you on the holiday blues this year.
    Of course that has ALOT to do with my mother dying 10 days before the whole she-bang that is Christmas. Unexpectedly, of course.
    So pretty much this whole Christmas sucked ass.
    And presents?
    Um, I got to go look through my Mama’s closet and find what she would have given to me if she were alive.

  15. On December 28th, 2008 at 11:11 pm Ann Says:

    ew. SAME here. I’m not a musical fan *except Grease…I love me some Grease*. There’s too much friggin singing distracting me from the plot. I just saw the color purple and I believe I started to snore. neat.

  16. On December 28th, 2008 at 11:14 pm lola Says:

    I’m glad it’s over, too, but it really isn’t until the boy goes back to school. It wasn’t my jolliest of Christmas seasons, but I pushed through my complete crankhole attitude and did the usual, minus sending cards to friends and relatives. It was more exhausting than ever before, but we had our fun. The boy was very happy, and that’s all I care about anyway.

    Worst present? Oh, please! You can choose for me. Could it be the giant orange whistle/harmonica combo gift or the surgical instrument for minor surgery kit or maybe the most expensive “toothbrush” I’ve ever seen in my life that vibrates more than my drawer full of vibrators?

    Yeah, my husband is a really funny fuck!

  17. On December 29th, 2008 at 12:56 am Miss Grace Says:

    Well, maybe next year will be great.

  18. On December 29th, 2008 at 7:13 am SCY Says:

    Hmmmm, I got a book called “Diet solutions to PCOS and Infertility” from my husband. Now after nearly 5 years of dealing with PCOS and infertility and about to undergo our 3rd IVF (1 x Fresh and 1 x Frozen already under the belt) you’d think he would know that I’ve kinda got this more or less under control? Or not. Maybe he just thought I need to lose a bit of weight and this was the best way to tell me? But in the same gift giving sense of love I also got sexy jammies? Go figure.

  19. On December 29th, 2008 at 9:33 am heather Says:

    The weirdest thing this year was probably the giant talking Jack Skellington head my brother got me. It’s huge and a little bit frightening.

  20. On December 29th, 2008 at 10:35 am Ames Says:

    I seriously got nothing for Christmas this year (except a gift I bought for myself and the hubby), but I’m ok with that…really I am. The kids got their gifts and the hubby and I got a new microwave from my parents (our microwave was 11 years old and really needed to be replaced). Oh…we did get photo coffee mugs from my inlaws who know that neither of us drink hot beverages at all… I guess that would be the weirdest gift we got.

  21. On December 29th, 2008 at 12:33 pm Kate Says:

    That is a really random gift, although I do love WSS. I didn’t really get anything weird this year.

  22. On December 29th, 2008 at 1:28 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I got a cheese ball knife. Yeah. One of those tiny cheese spreading knives. I mean, really?! I do enjoy a good cheese ball, but I’ve never in my life made one!

    I’ve also never seen West Side Story. I think you and I will both continue to live long and productive lives even though that is the case!

    Also, Tool Man informed me last night at 11:45 that he isn’t going in to work at all this week!! I’m torn between being thrilled by this news and stressed because I’ve not adequately prepared a list of tasks for him to blow off!!

  23. On December 29th, 2008 at 3:28 pm Stacey Says:

    I got 2 different packs of stuff to clean my camera lens. Not sure if the giver just couldn’t make up their mind as to which is the better product or if they think my camera lens is REALLY dirty.

  24. On December 29th, 2008 at 9:32 pm giggleblue Says:

    last year we got some damn juice glasses. i mean seriously, juice glasses??? like i couldn’t have picked up some from target or something.

    i don’t know what goes through your mind to buy someone juice glasses for christmas…

  25. On December 29th, 2008 at 9:42 pm Jenn @ Says:

    The weirdest gift that I got? It had to be the keychain that beeps at you when you whistle. that I got from James. You’d think that I lose my keys ALL of the time or something.

  26. On December 29th, 2008 at 9:53 pm Holly Says:

    I felt the same about Christmas this year but now that it is over I want to keep my pretty new garland up. LOL I had a 3rd of it up before Christmas and it was pretty but then on Sunday I went and got some great after Christmas deal’s on the other 2/3rds of it and well now I feel gipped that I need to take it down on Thursday. LOL Oh well it’s pretty and will look great next year.

    I didn’t get a bad Christmas gift but for my birthday on Sun hubby got me this UGLY brown turtleneck sweater and a book about vampires (I guess he assumed since I love the Twilight series that I’d enjoy it too – um no…LOL). Oh well I returned the sweater (couldn’t even pretend cause OMG I looked awful in it) and got two new pretties. The book I’ll read eventually.

  27. On December 30th, 2008 at 9:46 am Badass Geek Says:


    Seriously, if you ever need to regift West Side Story, I’ll totally give you my address.

  28. On December 30th, 2008 at 11:59 am Yourgodlovesmeto Says:

    This pretty much describes my feelings about Christmas this year too. Just not feeling the love. Of course, I am not huge with baby sausage so you have me beat in the tired and cranky department.
    Ok, you win. Your Christmas sucked more.
    Glad it’s over.

    Now only a few more blissful days of no sleep and nausea before you get to meet Amelia!


  29. On December 30th, 2008 at 12:09 pm jerseygirl89 Says:

    I like musicals, but I hate West Side Story.

    This year my mother got me a black mock turtleneck (I HATE mock turtlenecks) in a size suitable for a pregnant woman.

    The woman knows I’m never going to be pregnant again, too.

  30. On December 30th, 2008 at 12:35 pm Dot Says:

    Oddly enough, I didn’t get any weird gifts this year.

    PS – Just wanted to let you know you’ve been tagged for a meme at my blog. 🙂

  31. On December 30th, 2008 at 1:17 pm Coco Says:

    Heh. I knew I loved you for a reason. I detest musicals and West Side Story is a particular burr under my saddle. When people I know wax rhapsodic about “Rent” I just get that blank look on my face. I mean really, are you that into random actors bursting into crappy songs at key points in the story?

    My in-laws send us meat every year. It’s sweet, in an odd kind of way. I’m not sure why “meat producst” even popped up on their radar, but now it’s a freaking tradition.

  32. On December 30th, 2008 at 2:25 pm chris Says:

    The wifey and I have been talking about how this Christmas kinda feel like not really Christmassy…hmmmm. It could be the recession. Anyway, the best part of it i guess was that I got a chance to spend a lot of time with my rugrats.

  33. On December 30th, 2008 at 3:57 pm Kristen Says:

    I am so glad that your hubby is home this week, I have been really enjoying having mine around a bit more than usual, that did make me feel Christmassy!
    And seriously, facts of life?? I have been watching that during afternoon feedings around here, LOVE!
    Love ya Aunt Becky, God’s richest blessing for you and yours this New Year. Now go crack that whip on the Daver!

  34. On December 30th, 2008 at 6:46 pm Brooke Says:

    I wasn’t in as Christmassey of a mood as a normally am. The foot plus of snow helped. I was more excited about the snow than I was Christmas this year. I didn’t get any wacky gifts this year, but have gotten some doosey’s in the past. One year my mom (who is totally nuts, but passes as a normal person) got me a giant tub of hair gel. CHEAP, blue, hair gel. I was living on my own with my boyfriend and pregnant, I think I can buy my own hair gel if I needed it!

  35. On December 30th, 2008 at 11:21 pm Sandy Says:

    My own mother bought me a massive amount of clothing, primarily sleepwear – all in sizes that are 2 sizes smaller than the size I currently am. In other words, my shirts are ALLLL XL now and she bought me all Mediums.

    I have a purple LSU tank top that is so tiny, i can’t get my left tit into it.

    Nice. Thanks mom. I appreciate it.

    And yes, she WAS trying to tell me that I’m fat now. Trust me, she was.

  36. On December 31st, 2008 at 7:17 am SciFi Dad Says:

    My inlaws deemed this Christmas “the practical Christmas” and gave my wife and I three truggs (some weird assed flexible buckets with handles): one filled with diapers, one filled with paper towels and one filled with toilet paper (the paper products were of the individually wrapped Costco variety), along with a cheque.

    A fine plan, except that it was really windy Christmas night, and the buckets were overfilled, so I was chasing t.p. all over our icy driveway at 9pm.

  37. On January 2nd, 2009 at 12:27 am Sarah Says:

    I can’t think of any weird gifts… I’m sure I’ve gotten a few, but whatever.

    But I am also DEEPLY grateful to be over and done with the Christmasy hooyah.

  38. On January 4th, 2009 at 3:15 pm pamajama Says:

    My mother sent my husband and I matching zippered & hooded green sweatshirts with some kind of lumpy fabric inside, both size XL, even though she knows I’ve lost over 50 pounds and don’t do yard work. Plus a hideous jacket & polyester 3/4 length sleeve sweater with an ATTACHED necklace. Nothing screams Wal-Mart like disposable jewelry.

    Oh, and from the other side of the family a couple of the sisters make this God-awful soap & lavender mist spray that I DETEST and that everyone else oohs & aahs over. It is utterly putrid.

  39. On January 5th, 2009 at 5:38 pm Fancy Says:

    Hopefully you’ll be feeling it next year with the new baby, and better health! Here’s to better health and no more pregnancy in 2009! Woo-hoo!

    p.s. I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay! I’m so very sad that you won’t get that reference. West Side Story is one of the best, but I’m a huge musical buff.

  40. On January 13th, 2009 at 1:28 pm trish Says:

    Well, after receiving a toilet bowl cleaner and toilet paper from my soon-to-be-sister-in-law last year, this year’s gift of cute pajama bottoms elicited a huge sigh of relief from me. 🙂

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