Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



On August 20, 2001 my first son Benjamin rocketed into the world. As he drew his first breath at 2:50 PM and wailed at the indignity of being expelled from my uterus, I wonder if, hundreds of miles away, a college student named Dave felt something stirring within him. I can’t be sure. School was just starting for him. Parenthood was probably the last thing on his mind.

But on that day, Dave became a parent. He just didn’t know it yet.

Two years later, in January of 2003, his first child, Benjamin, a nearly-mute 2-year old reached up his arms and allowed Dave to pick him up. It was a rarity for Ben to allow someone he’d just met minutes beforehand to hold him. Even more rare was that he bonded with him instantly. Two hours later, safely in my car, he spoke his fourth sentence. “Aw…bye, Dave.” Over and over, he repeated that, sighing sadly after every repetition.

Like this:

“Aw, BYE DAVE….*sighs*”


“Awwwww….BYE DAVE…..*sighs*”


On September 10, 2005, my son Benjamin walked me down the aisle. At the alter, Dave spoke his vows first to our son, then to me. The child who is not related–by blood, at least–to my husband, he is the one who is most like The Daver. Always has been.

March 30, 2007, Benjamin Maxwell became a big brother to Alexander Joseph. Dave slumbered on through my labor thanks to a migraine, but was there by my side to watch as his second son came into the world. Angrier than a wet cat, Alex met his father by peeing on him. I found it apt, considering I would have dragged my numb ass over to kick DAVE’S sleeping ass, had I been able to.

Alex was, as he always is, on my side.

On January 28, 2009, our last child came into the world surrounded by chaos. The girl with curls like a halo (who kicks ass), Amelia Grace, she cast her big brown eyes upon us and nothing has been the same.

Today, April 15, 2010, at 1:45 PM we said goodbye to that part of our lives. No more will we welcome more children into the world, but we will help our children grow and learn about this crazy, mixed-up, wonderful world that we live in.

I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little heartbroken to see Dave’s vas deferens sitting in those jars, sadly separated from his body. Not because I want any more children, or because I’m unhappy with the decision that we made. It was time to put that part of our lives to bed.

So I’m going to take a quote from my then-two-year old because I don’t know how else to end this bittersweet day.

Aw, bye, vas deferens.

95 Comments to


  1. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:07 pm Amanda Says:

    I wish I was your child…for the simple fact that my mom is nowhere NEAR this hilarious…

    Wanna adopt?

  2. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:08 pm Wendy Says:

    A snipping is in my husband’s future (soonish, but not right now) and I think I will feel a little wistful about it too. The end of possibility, I guess.

    And then I’ll have a little too much to drink and get started on a life time of non-baby making naughty time. Looking forward to that.

  3. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:25 pm Amy Mayfield Says:

    That was a lovely and emotional post…and now all I can do is imagine my hub’s parts in a jar.

  4. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:34 pm Clair Says:

    Awww, very touching post. I got a little sniffley, I’ll admit.

    Just don’t forget the mad, crazy, wild sexy-time.

  5. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:57 pm Jamie Says:

    Dude! Congratulations!!!

  6. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:58 pm Ashley Says:

    LOL did you have services? or keep the jar? I think at that point in my life, I like to think I will celebrate with joy, good bye birth control! Oh and my condolences to the Daver

  7. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:06 pm Melissa @MBonn Says:

    Aw 😀

  8. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:06 pm hipstercrite Says:

    perfect! you have such a gift with words!

  9. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:07 pm Jessica Says:

    Wow Aunt Becky. That was quite a touching post. Very cool.

  10. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:09 pm Mario (Brewed For Thought) Says:

    This is for the Daver. I was smoking a cigarette on my porch when the neighbor’s dog walked up to me with a sad look in his eye. He’s just gotten neutered. I patted him on his head. “What’s the matter boy, you miss your balls? *Puff* Yeah *Exhale* I’d miss my balls too.”

    Here’s to not losing your balls Dave.

  11. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:11 pm Brooke Says:

    Your stories of The Daver with Ben always make me cry. Dammit. I have the same relationship with my stepfather (though it was formed at a much later age), and I feel SO lucky. I’m happy that Ben gets to feel what I do about his Dad. 🙂

    I’ll pour one out for Daver’s vas deferens. And my homies.

  12. On April 15th, 2010 at 4:12 pm V Says:

    Haha! That’s the most engaging vasectomy story I’ve ever read… which isn’t to say I’ve read many….

    Just that yours is the best so far 🙂

  13. On April 15th, 2010 at 4:14 pm ambivalent academic Says:

    Aunt Becky, this post had big fat sentimental tears rolling down my cheeks…until I got to that last sentence. Awww, bye vas deferens! Now I’m about to roll out of my chair laughing. Cheers to you and the Daver and the brood. You guys are awesome.

  14. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:15 pm pattypunker Says:

    they did great work. think of it as a well-deserved retirement. now it’s time to sit back and enjoy the fruit of your labors.

  15. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:15 pm gusgreeper Says:

    we had decided before we got married that we weren’t having children (we meet in 03 married in 06) we were lucky enough to meet some folks who’d had them done here and they are free in Canada so we got right on it. i like children, so does my husband, we simply do not want any of our own.
    still wasn’t the easiest decision and i can see how it would be even harder for people who want a lot of children.

  16. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:18 pm lydee Says:


  17. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:19 pm a Says:

    They put that stuff in jars? I thought they just disconnected them and left ’em hanging?

    As my friend’s husband opines, there’s nothing like an ice pack on the balls! (He had a vasectomy, a reversal, 3 kids, and another vasectomy)

  18. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:25 pm Cyndi Says:

    Sweet! Now Dave won’t have periods anymore JUST LIKE ME!

    Seriously, you aren’t jealous?

  19. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:26 pm Stone Fox Says:

    aw..bye vas deferens.. *sigh*


  20. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:26 pm Shell Says:

    I love you. You made me cry and then laugh in the same post. Kick ass.

    Dh got the big snip-snip in August and it’s still a little difficult for me to come to terms with, even though it’s what we bother wanted.

  21. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:36 pm Rebecca Says:

    Yep, it’s the right thing to do. You were basically pregnant for three long years. He was uncomfortable for about 20 minutes.

    But yeah, I hear you…sometimes, my uterus weeps.

  22. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:42 pm Melissa Says:


    Seriously, you kept the jars? You guys rock. I cannot help but laugh. (I too thought they just snipped, cauterized then left them dangling)

  23. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:44 pm kalakly Says:

    Only you Becky, could write about a vas deference in a jar and make me get all weepy. Only you.

    As I will be bidding the same adieu to my husband’s VD (and no, not a “VD” like disease VD…) I have the very same sadness at the door closing. For many reasons, so many reasons.


  24. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:46 pm Leslee Says:

    Damn it, woman, you just melted my stone cold heart and made me smear my eyeliner. Now I have to go listen to The Cure and cut myself.


  25. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:47 pm Leslee Says:

    Um… That ? you see up there? Yeah… That was SUPPOSED to be a heart. Damned technology thwarting me at every turn.

    Less than 3.

  26. On April 15th, 2010 at 4:48 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    There is much I can relate to here.
    Good one, dear.

  27. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:48 pm Alex Says:

    Cheers to your family. I just got weepy for Dave’s VD, er, you know what I meant.

  28. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:49 pm Melissa Says:

    A poem I found for Dave.

    Congratulations on your vasectomy..

    You’re having no more children, for that your wife says thanks, there’s no reason not to practice and start shooting all those blanks.

    Author, unknown funny person.

  29. On April 15th, 2010 at 7:07 pm The Daver Says:

    Here’s a vote for Aunt Becky to make some new greeting cards with this!

  30. On April 15th, 2010 at 3:50 pm Jennifer Says:

    I am so, so, so glad I can’t have more kids.

    But I understand the feeling of being unsure too. (((Hugs)))

  31. On April 15th, 2010 at 4:01 pm inannasstar Says:

    I wanted to party like it was 1999 when my husband was neutered. In fact, we both got high on pain pills and did : ) Woot! No more condoms!

  32. On April 15th, 2010 at 4:11 pm Mrs. Muffins Says:

    I can’t get over how something like this can be written so fantabulously 😀


  33. On April 15th, 2010 at 4:12 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Damn! I didn’t get to see Brad’s vas deferens when he had his V. But then, I didn’t go with him because I had 2 kids under 2 to take care of & no babysitter.

    Which had NOTHING to do with him getting the V

  34. On April 15th, 2010 at 5:49 pm avasmommy Says:

    Becky, this is just beautiful.
    You have quite a way with words, my friend.


  35. On April 15th, 2010 at 4:58 pm Miss Grace Says:

    You make me smile.

  36. On April 15th, 2010 at 6:10 pm BecZhang Says:

    You made a vasectomy sound like some sort of love story. I will have a moment of silence for the ole vas deferens. My motto for children is “one and I’m done” so good for you guys braving three. I hope the Daver recovers quickly and doesn’t give you too much shit.

  37. On April 15th, 2010 at 5:12 pm lis Says:

    this is a beautiful post. just lovely and you made me cry…

    i hope for you that this next phase in your life is as rewarding and special as your babymaking years have been.


  38. On April 15th, 2010 at 5:13 pm Toni Says:

    🙂 Hope a nice bag of cold peas was waiting for The Daver…he deserves them!

  39. On April 15th, 2010 at 5:15 pm Brooke Says:

    Goodbye, vas deferns.

    I love how you can write and make just about anything touching. Totally reminded me of the “good-bye, clearance puppy” line from Marley & Me.

  40. On April 15th, 2010 at 5:15 pm Krissa Says:

    BWHAHAHA! I don’t think you’ll regret it. You know what you want and what’s best or you wouldn’t have done it.
    Have you seen the “poem” I did in my last post? It refers to John’s… ball adjustment, in a roundabout way. 😉

  41. On April 15th, 2010 at 5:38 pm Maria Says:

    Awww, I got all verklempt over a vas defrens.

  42. On April 15th, 2010 at 5:42 pm Fran Says:

    This just might be my all-time favorite post of yours 🙂

  43. On April 15th, 2010 at 7:30 pm Wombat Central Says:

    Ben + The Daver = Aww. So touching.

  44. On April 15th, 2010 at 7:15 pm katrina Says:

    damnit aunt becky…’re making me cry again…..and laugh… the same time……some people might call that crazy….but girl, you sure know how to turn a phrase.

  45. On April 15th, 2010 at 8:17 pm Badass Geek Says:

    I can’t think of anything else other than the Vasectomy Song as done on Family Guy. I mean, really. I can’t think of a better way to describe it than with a barbershop quartet.

  46. On April 15th, 2010 at 7:33 pm mrs ellenoy Says:

    Awesome post. The Man is scheduled to get snipped this summer, since we have four children between us and we do not want five.

    I love hearing about Dave and Ben, since I am about to become a stepmother and I am scared shitless that somehow they will a)hate me, b) loathe me, and c) defy me.

    No reason – they are lovely children. But still I worry. Thus The Daver gives me hope.

  47. On April 15th, 2010 at 7:36 pm Kristin Says:

    The first part of the post made me cry from the beauty of it and the last line made me laugh. It’s rare that a post can do both.

  48. On April 15th, 2010 at 7:45 pm Nyx Says:

    aw bye vas deferens. as someone else said on here…hello worry free humping!

    your children are beautiful little gifts. 🙂

  49. On April 15th, 2010 at 8:02 pm Sadie at heyMamas Says:

    I am laughing uncomfortably while reading this. Laughing because it is funny but feeling bad for Dave. Hang in there dude, well not so much hanging but well, ya know…

    Sadie at heyMamas

  50. On April 15th, 2010 at 9:10 pm Sherry Says:

    The father of my children had a vasectomy when our second child was about three months old. And then we split up. I had the old tubes tied but then less than a year later had to have a hysterectomy. Believe it or not, when I chose to stop the baby making machine I was happy about it. When the entire factory burned to the ground, I wasn’t nearly as comfortable with it. I knew then as I know now that the two children I had were all I wanted but… BUT… if I had not had myself neutered/spayed or whatever it’s called for people… I would have had more babies. Sometimes we have to think with our heads while our heads are still clear in order to save ourselves from acting with our hearts later on. While it will always feel like you lost something, you did the right thing and having risk free romp time will help you get over it. Have fun 🙂

  51. On April 15th, 2010 at 10:13 pm kris Says:

    Someone mentioned frozen peas as medicinal assistance. Are we going to hear about all of the other aid rendered? Although my husband wussed out (which is putting it kindly . . . he actually fainted during the informational meeting and never worked up the balls to follow through), we did hear that some sperm is live and active for a while after the vasectomy. The nurse’s suggested solution? Oral assistance until all of the live sperm had been flushed out.
    But even that news was not enough to rouse my husband from his prone position and into action.

  52. On April 15th, 2010 at 10:21 pm Amber Says:

    My husband refuses to have a vascetomy. It’s not fair.

  53. On April 15th, 2010 at 10:48 pm GingerB Says:

    At least he had the balls (!) to get the procedure. My husband is not so manly.

  54. On April 16th, 2010 at 12:05 am injaynesworld Says:

    Good for The Daver.

  55. On April 16th, 2010 at 3:45 am Mwa Says:

    That post made me cry. Just lovely.

  56. On April 16th, 2010 at 3:54 am Jessi Louise Says:

    It is bittersweet isn’t it? Helena is our last also. No more cooking crotch parasites for me 😉 Hope all goes well!

    Also, I tagged you on my latest post 🙂

  57. On April 16th, 2010 at 4:32 am Sara @ Life With the Two Says:

    This was a little too perfect. And as always, full of awesome.

  58. On April 16th, 2010 at 4:57 am Ami Says:

    Awwwww… as someone who has dealt with children who have autism I recognize that was HUGE. WOW.

    How did you know that Daver was The One? It was that story right there.

    Me, all I had to rely on was the fact that my dog, who does NOT lick strangers jumped in my hubby’s lap and licked his face the first time they met.

    You get this amazing, awe inspiring experience. I have my dog.


  59. On April 16th, 2010 at 5:56 am Jennifer B Says:

    Aunt Becky!!!! You made me cry at work!!!! Now how do I explain to my classroom full of 14 year olds why my eyes are brimming!!! What an amazing little window into your world you’ve shared. Thanks again.

  60. On April 16th, 2010 at 7:08 am SciFi Dad Says:

    This was a moving tribute to a very important body part.

  61. On April 16th, 2010 at 6:48 am Amy Says:

    This must be the only vasectomy story that could actually make me cry. Having four kids, but only two of them planned for, I completely understand the need to put that part of life behind, but we still could not make a permanent cut like you did….bravo

  62. On April 16th, 2010 at 6:50 am Marjorie Says:

    I was all teary over this story because it sounds so much like my own….and then you got to the snipping part! Lol. So didn’t see that coming!

  63. On April 16th, 2010 at 8:24 am Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    I say, HOOORRAAAAAHHHH!!! for the snip-snip!

  64. On April 16th, 2010 at 8:42 am Cohiba Says:

    I know the Daver’s pain.. But as has been pointed out once or twice it does not stop you from ever having another kid. Adoption, surrogate, clone, reversal, or my favorite harvesting of sperm from the testicles for Invetro. More painful than getting the darn tubes snipped. Also during my divorce I left my tubes in the medicine cabinet for my soon to be ex wife hidden behind some stuff that I knew it would take her a while to find them.. MUHAHAHA!!

  65. On April 16th, 2010 at 8:24 am Kelly Says:

    I love the love between Dave and Ben. It reminds me of my oldest daughter and my husband. I think that Mack was Robin’s daughter before I decided that I liked him enough to be her Dad. A great post.

  66. On April 16th, 2010 at 10:06 am Sabreena Says:

    I will have a moment of silence for The Daver’s vas deferense.

    P.S. You know the lovin is so much more fun when it’s no longer a game of Russian Roulette. Plus, no need for any of the baby blocking accoutrements makes it cheaper.

  67. On April 16th, 2010 at 10:12 am Minnie Says:

    So totally, and 100% what I needed today.

  68. On April 16th, 2010 at 9:38 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    The end of one era to start a new one is always bittersweet for me. Bye bye vas deferens. You served my Aunt Becky and The Daver well.

  69. On April 16th, 2010 at 9:54 am amy Says:

    I loved this post so much that I read it out loud to my husband.
    who also loved it!

    You really are a talented writer, Becky. Just loved this:)

  70. On April 16th, 2010 at 10:32 am MamaCas Says:

    I understand…completely.

    We have 4 incredibly healthy, perfect children and we 100% don’t want any more, so I had my tubes tied. But….I can’t stop feeling just a tiny bit sad that it’s done. That era of our life, which started only 10 short years ago, is done. We are done with pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, anxious deliveries, painful recoveries, sleepless nights….we’re even done with diapers now that Little Girl is nearly 3!

    I’m glad it happened and I’m happy to move on to the next phase….NO MORE BIRTH CONTROL!

  71. On April 16th, 2010 at 11:13 am Regina Says:

    I am jealous. Depsite watching me almost die giving birth to our last child, my hubby refused to get a vasectomy. Whenever I brought it up, he would make the cringey face, and I would remind him that I had to get blood after our daughter’s birth. Didn’t work though. Pussy.
    The story about your wedding made me tear up. Dave is a special guy.

  72. On April 16th, 2010 at 11:35 am Ash Says:

    Aww – that’s just about the most touching post I’ve read in a very long time.

    A fond adieu to the vas deferens.

  73. On April 16th, 2010 at 12:00 pm Natalie Says:

    My third (and last) child is about to be 1. I completely understand the bittersweet nature of it all. 🙂

  74. On April 16th, 2010 at 1:25 pm Beautiful Wreck Says:

    I love this post. Well written, thoughtful, a beautiful and touching story that ends with a man getting his nuts cut. Perfect.

  75. On April 16th, 2010 at 12:32 pm Gadgerson Says:

    First of all, hugs! Secondly, I have given you an award. Stop by my blog sometime to claim it. 🙂 Mucho love! xoxoxo

  76. On April 16th, 2010 at 12:49 pm Megan Says:

    That is a really great family story y’all have! So great to hear of a step-daddy being a great REAL daddy!!

    Loved it!


  77. On April 16th, 2010 at 1:00 pm MommyLisa Says:

    Big Hug!

    It is an odd feeling…to know you are done.

  78. On April 16th, 2010 at 1:04 pm Dianne aka LaFlacaD Says:

    I know the feeling. We decided. The deed was done and then you are left wondering if it was the right decision even if you are ultimately beyond certain it really is. Now is the time to pause. Seriously. be careful. Cause now is the time you are most likely to get pregnant again. Just saying 🙂

  79. On April 16th, 2010 at 2:37 pm Ellen M Says:

    Aw! I know this was mostly about The Daver and his sacrifice today, but I always get teary when you talk about Ben like this.

  80. On April 16th, 2010 at 3:31 pm The Mercurial Wife Says:

    That was a touching post. *tears in my eyes*

  81. On April 16th, 2010 at 3:39 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    this is perhaps the sweetest thing i’ve ever read about a vasectomy

  82. On April 16th, 2010 at 4:04 pm Coco Says:

    This is why I love you, Becks. Only you can make a vasectomy post sweet and classy AND funny.

  83. On April 16th, 2010 at 4:25 pm bashtree Says:

    wait…sitting in jars?

  84. On April 16th, 2010 at 7:38 pm Chibi Jeebs Says:

    You made me cry, whore-mouth. 🙁


  85. On April 16th, 2010 at 6:59 pm mumma boo Says:

    I second Coco’s comment – every word. Speedy recovery wishes for the Daver. He’s got three kids to chase. 🙂

  86. On April 16th, 2010 at 7:29 pm habanerogal Says:

    The big owie hug for the Daver and very lovely words there Becky

  87. On April 16th, 2010 at 8:32 pm Elly Lou Says:

    You should commemorate the event with a gift. May I suggest these?—nut-sacks-crochet-pattern-amig

  88. On April 16th, 2010 at 9:51 pm Alicia @bethsix Says:

    Aww, bye, Daver’s vas.

  89. On April 16th, 2010 at 10:43 pm kate Says:

    This may be quite inappropriate, but may we see a photo of the jarred vas deferens?

  90. On April 17th, 2010 at 2:05 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    I think that is the sweetest, most articulate and poetic post to some balls that I have ever read.

  91. On April 17th, 2010 at 7:51 pm Becca Says:

    We had to make this decision last year, not bc we don’t want more, simply bc we can’t afford more. And while neither of us had to have surgery, (yeah girl sex rox!!), it’s still kind of sad when that final decision is made…

  92. On April 17th, 2010 at 10:45 pm sonya Says:

    that was beautiful

  93. On April 19th, 2010 at 2:50 am Zakary Says:

    That was totally badass.

    I feel ya, I do. I would have ten kids if they two I already have weren’t kicking my ass. I recently went off my IUD and everyone keeps asking me if we are “done” having children.

    I can’t answer. I think we are. Maybe. Not sure.

    DAMMIT, I’m probably going to have another baby.


    I hope Daver’s crotch is feeling better.

  94. On April 19th, 2010 at 6:46 am Trista Says:

    I love this post – as someone who has seen the best examples of paternity by biology (my husband) and paternity by marriage (my awesome dad), I know what a powerful, important thing being a father, and being fathered, can be.

    I am now resisting the urge to google images of “vas deferens.” I’m sure I don’t want to know.

  95. On April 21st, 2010 at 7:21 am Betty M Says:

    Eww – in a jar??! Not sure love requires viewing of previously internal organs! Go Dave though.

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