Mommy Wants Vodka

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Pashmina Strikes Back


For simplicity’s sake, I tell people that Becky is my college roommate. This is not entirely true, as she lived two doors down from me, but she might as well have lived in my room, seeing as how SHE SPENT PRACTICALLY EVERY WAKING MOMENT STEALING OUR BEER (ed note: I do not like beer. Rum, yes, I stole your rum, Pashmina. And your vodka. And your whiskey. And it was TASTEE). YES YOU, BECKY.

We have been friends for 10 years. It would have been, in fact, 10 years ago this fall that I was all, “Can I smoke in here?” and Becky was all “sure!” and her roommate was all, “SMOKING IS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DIIIIIIIIIIE.” So, it’s true that I’ve known Becky a long time.

It is also true (she denies this) that when we get together, your Aunt Becky and I suffer from revertigo. This is to say that when we get together, we behave like the 19 year olds we once were, which is to say that our collective average age when we get together is about 12. Dick and fart jokes are the norm, and whenever Bones and I leave an afternoon with Becky, he lovingly tells me, “You guys are fucking ridiculous.” It’s true. I am.

It would not surprise you, then, to learn that for our wedding, Becky made a check out to us and wrote in the memo “Butt Sex.” It certainly didn’t surprise ME, and Bones and I got a good chuckle out of it when, a couple days after the wedding, we went through our gifts so that we could deposit any money before going on our honeymoon.

I slipped the check into the pile, deposited it, and Bones and I spent a week in the Caribbean. (ed note: Bitch)

When we came back, I had a letter from the bank. I opened it, and it contained three things:
1. A notice of error that said (and I quote) “Check Enclosed, Not Listed. Account Debited.”
2. A copy of the deposit slip
3. A copy of a check from your very own Aunt Becky, for Butt Sex.

Being that the whole thing was cryptic and confusing, I called the bank for an explanation. They told me I would have to go into the particular branch where we had made the deposit, since they didn’t quite understand either.

Not thinking anything of it at the time, I put “Bank” on my list of errands and headed over. Whatevs. I walked up to the teller, explained my confusion politely, and asked if he could provide me an explanation. He guessed at something. I asked a follow-up question. He called over his manager.

His manager came over to the teller window, looked at the documents and said–louder than she needed to–“OMG, who wrote you a check for butt sex?!”

The bank stopped for a split second and then erupted in peals of laughter around me. Me, I was caught between wanting to fall over laughing and being totally irritated that THE CHECK THEY PULLED OUT HAPPENED TO HAVE THE WORDS ‘BUTT SEX’ on it. There were several other checks for identical amounts, but no, the bank and to pull THAT ONE for me. Thanks, Bank. Thanks for making me explain that my college roommate decided that this would be a hilarious thing to do. I mean, it’s one thing when she writes me thank you notes that read “Dear Aunt P, Thank you so much for the Beer and Crack Whore money you gave Alex for his 2nd Birthday.” It’s totally another to have to take a check for Butt Sex to a business.

I explained that my college roommate had a sense of humor, in a way that implied that I didn’t while the bank continued to laugh around me.

Said the Teller, “Do you think maybe they didn’t deposit it because it said– because of the memo line?” (by now, the stern-faced, Chicago-bred security guard was smiling)

Manager, “Um, let me call corporate and ask.”

aw, fuck.

So, I took a seat and waited while the manager called the corporate headquarters and explained the situation and my confusion. Then I heard her say clearly, “Oh! Yes, it is Paisana!” She pulled the phone away from her mouth and said to me, “He remembers you!”

Oooof course he does.

A few more minutes with corporate–and several tellers who had to explain to the PEOPLE DRIVING THROUGH THE DRIVE UP WHY THEY WERE LAUGHING–later, the manager called me back over to her desk to explain to me what corporate had told her, assuring me the whole time that no, corporate had not rejected the check for Butt Sex. She was very happy to use the words “butt sex” freely, too, and every time she said it, the security guard got a chuckle and EVERYONE IN LINE looked my direction with a “WTF?” expression.

She then explained to me that my error had been in addition (I had added the check twice) and we went through the deposit slip line by line until I was satisfied that my bad math–and not bank error–was at play. I thanked her for the explanation and she said to me, “Tell your friend she’s funny!”

She’ll appreciate that.

posted under I Suck At Life
55 Comments to

“Pashmina Strikes Back”

  1. On September 3rd, 2009 at 8:38 am Badass Geek Says:

    Oh, this is so epic.

    Being good friends with Becky now, though, it makes me kind of nervous as to what I can expect from her in the future.

  2. On September 3rd, 2009 at 8:55 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Question for Pashmina: do you think the results of this experience make her more likely or less likely to try it again?

  3. On September 3rd, 2009 at 8:34 am thelifeyouchoose Says:

    I would gladly pay you Friday for some butt sexing today.

    I am so stealing your schtick. Hi larious.

  4. On September 3rd, 2009 at 8:46 am Kerrie Says:

    Dear Lord…What do you suppose she writes on the Memo line when she buys Girl Scouts Cookies.


  5. On September 3rd, 2009 at 8:47 am Vinomom Says:

    I totally love this. Not the butt sex, just the post.

    Pashmina is awesome.

  6. On September 3rd, 2009 at 9:55 am Lola Says:

    Too funny, Ladies. I think Pashmina should write more posts that detail your shenanigans!

  7. On September 3rd, 2009 at 8:55 am Kelly Says:

    So funny.

    Working in a bank has it’s moments…I like when people come to argue overdraft fees due to their sex store purchases, or dirty magazine subscriptions. “Well sir, when you went to Romantics, you only had $10.29 in your account, so when you had this purchase for $49.95 come through, it caused your account to overdraft…” Um, uncomfortable, maybe a bit.

    Do the people arguing feel embarrassed? Because THIS would make me a little blushy.

  8. On September 3rd, 2009 at 8:58 am Mel Says:

    That is the BEST bank story I have ever heard. Thanks for the laughs! You think if I write “”Crack & Sex” in the memo line of my nephews Birthday check his parents will appreciate the joke?

    That’s pretty much what I thanked Pashmina for after Alex’s party. Not sure if SHE thought it was funny, but I did.

  9. On September 3rd, 2009 at 8:58 am Gail Says:

    Remind me never to accept a check from Aunt Becky…

    Muahahahaha! My evil plan is working!

  10. On September 3rd, 2009 at 9:00 am Tricia Says:

    Dude, I am so putting that on the memo line when I pay the next electric bill. Appropriate, since they give it to me up the butt, right? Thanks for the laugh today – I really needed it!

    Oooh! Good CALL!

  11. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:02 am Lucy Cooper Says:

    My maiden name was Rincon (Spanish- meaning, “corner”) and I dated a guy once who thought it would be hilarious to mail me a letter from New Orleans with my last name spelled “Rimjob.”Only, he neglected to put the proper postage on the envelope. So, I got a little collection envelope from my mail carrier, asking for the remaining postage, and yep, it also said “Rimjob.” I bet that mail carrier was thinking that was the worst last name since Woodcock.

  12. On September 3rd, 2009 at 9:14 am Allie Says:

    I love this version of the story better – it contains the people in the drive thru laughing! Aunt Becky you had no idea your words could bring joy to so many did you?

    This was the perfect crime, because I never could have expected this result. EVER.

  13. On September 3rd, 2009 at 9:20 am Miss Grace Says:

    That’s what really good friends are for. Wait. Isn’t it??

    Pretty sure the jury is out on this one.

  14. On September 3rd, 2009 at 9:25 am C @ Kid Things Says:

    Hahahaha! Yeah, that doesn’t seem to ever really get old.

    No. It doesn’t.

  15. On September 3rd, 2009 at 9:40 am Ed Says:

    Paisana, It’s a rare, rare woman who will take it up the pooper AND take a check. Also I hope the check was for a decent amount so the entire banking industry doesn’t think you’re a CHEAP whore.
    Too damn funny.

    Ha! Right?

  16. On September 3rd, 2009 at 11:07 am Kate Says:

    Bwahh ha hahahhahahahahahahaaaaaaa

    You know, Aunt Becky, I came here today BECAUSE I needed something to make me laugh, and I knew you would not disappoint me.


  17. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:22 am Mrs Soup Says:

    What a fantastic post. Love you both! HILARIOUS!

  18. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:26 am COURTENAY Says:

    “Paisana, It’s a rare, rare woman who will take it up the pooper AND take a check. Also I hope the check was for a decent amount so the entire banking industry doesn’t think you’re a CHEAP whore.”

    Case and point. Your fans are AWESOME.

  19. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:35 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    That is too damn funny. I never get into hilarious misadventures in the bank.

  20. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:36 am Elizabeth Says:

    I think you might have mis-filed this post. It should be under “I WIN at life”. The whole situation is hilarious.

  21. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:39 am Tara Says:

    Hilarious. I love this. I must now use it in the future!

  22. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:48 am Creepy Mommy Says:

    Bwahahahahaha!!! Becky, I want to loan you money just so you can pay me back by check. Please put in the memo line- Midget Strippers or something of the like. Bwahahahaha!!!!

  23. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:50 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Butt Sex. Sounds so nice, you had to count it twice.

  24. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:59 am Jenn Says:

    Everyone needs a friend like Aunt Becky.

  25. On September 3rd, 2009 at 11:04 am Kristin Says:

    Too damned funny! So, has Pashmina started planning her revenge?

  26. On September 3rd, 2009 at 12:09 pm Sarah Says:

    That’s too impossibly awesome – from both of your perspectives. You have to wonder what the deal is with the manager, gleefully throwing “butt sex” into every possible sentence and “Paisana”?! It’s like they thought Pashmina was an underground gangster butt sex girl or something.

  27. On September 3rd, 2009 at 11:22 am cara Says:

    I love your sense of humor. I want to be 12 forever!

  28. On September 3rd, 2009 at 11:28 am Barbara Says:

    You guys have a great friendship that will last forever. I stopped by a friends house Tuesday to pick up something last minute. We have been friends since the 7th grade….which means….32 years…..gawd I’m old….anyway, being the hot sexy 45 year old women that we are, when she got home from work she did what I always do…she took off her bra the minute she stepped in the house. So I stop by but really have no idea that she is running around braless. I was there a half hour or so and when I went to leave we were standing in her driveway and she says “I’m going to hug you even though I’m not wearing a bra.” We proceeded to hug by rubbing our chests together right there in her driveway for all the neighbors to see. I’m sure they are still applying eyedrops trying to ease the burning……We will never grow up….

  29. On September 3rd, 2009 at 11:39 am daisybv2 Says:

    I am still laughing a day later!!!!

  30. On September 3rd, 2009 at 12:11 pm Stacey Says:


  31. On September 3rd, 2009 at 12:16 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    I want you to send me a check for one million dollars (I won’t cash it), just so I can have a Butt Sex check. Or whatever ele you come up with.

    Plus I’m going to have to try this on my best friend. I have no reason to send her money. Hmmmm, maybe a greeting card or something.

  32. On September 3rd, 2009 at 1:48 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    I am going to start putting “butt sex” in the memo line of my (very Catholic) yoga teacher’s checks I write to her for classes. She will NEVER cash them! Ever!

  33. On September 3rd, 2009 at 1:04 pm Rebecca Says:

    You should send your business cards to Pashmina. I’d like to see what she comes up with.

  34. On September 3rd, 2009 at 1:28 pm amy d Says:

    OMG Pashmina…please be my BFF!!! That is seriously the greatest story ever. From here on out it’s “butt sex” checks for all!

  35. On September 3rd, 2009 at 3:56 pm Sara Says:

    This is why I will never accept a check from my BFF. Writing them TO her on the other hand…all bets are off. Maybe I’ll send her a card for her God-daughter’s birthday with “because I got knocked up” check…

  36. On September 3rd, 2009 at 4:00 pm Venti Vixen Says:

    This is GREAT.

  37. On September 3rd, 2009 at 5:57 pm Beyond Alice Says:

    Okay, second time around, and I am STILL laughing my ass off!!!

  38. On September 3rd, 2009 at 6:34 pm birdpress Says:

    Didn’t know whether to respond here or in the last post, but I had to add my appreciation! I love your sense of humor, and I love that the bank people had one too!

    I always put something funny in the checks I make out to my husband too. (He pays the bills and I just pay him a portion so I don’t have to bother with them.) I have written “sexual favors”, “bedroom antics” and “intimate massage” to name a few. So far we haven’t had anyone mention it!

  39. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:41 pm Meg Says:

    Even at the lateness of the hour you guys still manage to make me giggle. I love it. I really should make a point of starting my day reading this instead of ending it with you. Maybe I would have a better day?

    It can’t hurt 😉

  40. On September 3rd, 2009 at 9:51 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    anything for a good blog post, eh?

  41. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:18 pm Kelly Says:

    Love it! Hilarious that the bank manager was totally cool with having to keep saying “butt sex”.

  42. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:20 pm ZDub Says:


    I love it!

  43. On September 4th, 2009 at 2:32 am Heather Says:

    LOVE IT!

    I have always put snarky comments in the memo section.

    When my car got towed I put “Highway Robbery”
    When I got my water heater fixed ($350) I put “Overpriced Repair”
    I have always wanted someone to comment about it…but they never do. I imagine “butt sex” would do it!
    This actually makes me want to start writing checks again!

    NOW I’m just annoyed I didn’t think to do this when I had my tree trimmed earlier in the week. Think of the possibilities! They go on and on and on!

  44. On September 4th, 2009 at 12:04 pm mumma boo Says:

    Sadly, the only checks I write these days are for the kids’ stuff. I’m pretty sure writing Butt Sex in the memo line for pre-school would get us kicked out. Phooey.

    Uh Yeah. Don’t do that. And if you do, I do not know you.

  45. On September 4th, 2009 at 3:06 pm Tweets that mention Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » Pashmina Strikes Back -- Says:

    […] this page was mentioned by Judex (@judexjones), Brad Worls (@airjunkie), Brad Worls (@airjunkie) and others. […]

  46. On September 5th, 2009 at 1:02 am Amy Says:

    Hahah!! I love hearing both sides of a story… I think I would’ve died thought..

  47. On September 5th, 2009 at 1:02 am Amy Says:

    *edit* though!

  48. On September 5th, 2009 at 7:44 am Inna Says:

    OMG! That’s totally what I’m going to write on every check I write for weddings. Hilarious!

  49. On September 5th, 2009 at 9:19 pm RJ Flamingo Says:

    See? This is one of the reasons I rarely write or receive checks. You two deserve each other. 😀

    Oh yes, yes we do.

  50. On December 17th, 2009 at 11:54 am I’m Bringing (Aunt) Becky Back at Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] different reason. I’m busily throwing myself into doing something for myself. Like my homie Pashmina has suggested, 2010 is going to be the year of ME (although, I think she means that it’s […]

  51. On January 30th, 2010 at 9:24 pm The Evolution of Aunt Becky at Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] who I talk about here as my college roommate and the person I humiliated with the Butt Sex Check, was […]

  52. On July 27th, 2010 at 11:15 am ThePeachy1 Says:

    Yeah I am totally going to use that on EVERY CHECK I write from now on, School lunch checks, and especially the mortgage. Thank you.

  53. On July 27th, 2010 at 11:44 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, the lunch ladies LOVE it when I write “funky butt lovin'” on my checks.

  54. On July 27th, 2010 at 7:30 pm Ami Says:

    *dies laughing* I’ve had friends write me checks for “sexual favors” before but never, ever had anything this awesome happen to me. Thank you so much for sharing this.

  55. On January 11th, 2011 at 6:18 pm Stephanie Says:

    Wait… are they legitimately writing the checks for your sexual favors? You mention nothing about the memo line!!

    Just teasin’.

    Also, that was hard, I am used to cheque and favours. Us Canadians have to make it more difficult.

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