Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Pacify Me


You’d be shocked–and probably dismayed–to learn that there are a number of companies who want nothing more than to have me put my seal of approval on their product and then TELL YOU ABOUT IT. I’m personally shocked that any company would want anything to do with me, but you know.

Marketing to Mommy Bloggers is the new black, donchaknow? While I appreciate that many people do enjoy writing about the newest hot luscious cleaning apparatus, there’s a very real part of me that would feel kinda oogly about the whole thing.

It’s just not my bag, baby. It’s not to say that if a cool product was given to me, I wouldn’t endorse it, but I don’t think I need to do the work of a marketing company for them. Not without more compensation than a $10 product.

But I digress.

Occasionally, an opportunity to review something DOES come my way and while I am to fat (currently) to jump on it, I certainly THINK lazily about meandering towards it.

Like my friend Chris’s book: Pacify Me: A Handbook For The Freaked Out New Dad. First, he’s a friend and how fucking cool is it that I have a friend who has written a book (okay, I have a couple friends who have written–and published–books because they are cooler than I am)? And Part B, I sort of owe him*.

While we ladies have such humorous books as Naptime is the New Happy Hour and Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay (also written by a friend because I tend to keep friends that are cooler than me), not to mention the Girlfriend’s Guides (to everything kid-related), dads are kind of given the short end of the stick.

Okay, let me rephrase that: Dads are TOTALLY shafted.

I guess the transition to fatherhood is supposed to be seamless or something, which is such fucking bullshit. Sure, the dudes don’t (presumably) get stretch marks or heavy boobies, but still, going from 0 -> 1 kid is a Big Ass Deal. Don’t let anyone tell you differently, because they are lying and if you believe them, I have this Nigerian Prince I know.

Fatherhood, is a Big Ass Deal.

Sometimes, you need a friend along the way to humorously guide you along while making obscure references to movies that I’ll probably never see because I am not a dude. Luckily, The Daver (who has approximately 3 minutes of free time each week) plucked Pacify Me out of my hands the moment I unwrapped it. He swears that “it rules” and “he wished that he’d read it before our babies were born.”

Dave was planning to do this review for me, but he’s also planning on building me flower boxes I’ll build myself and considering buying a new hose I’ll need to go buy. Like I said: he has no free time.

It’s a great book, a light, fun read, and I’m pretty sure every dad I know would get a kick out of it. So, you want a copy, you clamor? OF COURSE YOU DO.

Leave a comment and I’ll randomly select someone for whom I will BRAVE THE POST OFFICE FOR (I have a phobia, okay?). I’ll even fake his autograph! Consider, o yee who will win this, as a freebie Father’s Day gift! No need to go buy another ugly tie! Win, WIN! Contest ends June 14 at 11:59 PM.

If you don’t win (boo!), his book is available on Amazon. He also blogs over here at Daddy Needs Some Alone Time.

*I’m building up to something here. My 7th grade English teacher would call this “dramatic foreshadowing.” She would also be horrified that I referenced her in my blog here because she was a HUGE bitch, but what can you do? Free country and all.

And hey, you’re still here? Why don’t you go vote for me? You can vote EVERY DAY until July 6 at which point I will stop shamelessly begging for votes.

2009 BlogLuxe Awards

67 Comments to

“Pacify Me”

  1. On June 8th, 2009 at 12:19 pm Kristina Says:

    Pick me, pick me! I have been desperately searching for something that my husband might actually enjoy reading. So that would have something to talk about other than, y’know, how often we DON’T have sex or why it is absolutely necessary to watch EVERY SINGLE CARDINALS GAME EVER. Even the old ones from like 1942 they replay on ESPN.

  2. On June 8th, 2009 at 12:20 pm Maria Says:

    Awesome people keep saying this is awesome.

  3. On June 8th, 2009 at 12:28 pm Lola Says:

    Well, since I offered to be your husband in every sense of the word, I think I should win!

  4. On June 8th, 2009 at 12:26 pm Amy deClouet Says:

    You are so right! The dad DOES get the short end of the stick…in a way. My husband is amazing and at times has pulled his weight, my weight, and every other burden on his back without the hormonal sarcasm. Please pick me…I need a cool 1st father’s day gift:)

  5. On June 8th, 2009 at 1:29 pm Chris Mancini Says:

    Pick Me! Pick Me!

    Wait… I wrote it so I already have a copy of it around here somewhere. I just get caught up in the moment sometimes. Thanks to you and the Daver for the kind words.

    And although I’ve never met her, your 7th grade English teacher is a dink.

  6. On June 8th, 2009 at 12:30 pm Creepy Mommy Says:

    So when is YOUR book coming out? Cause I’d be all over that shiz. Then, you’d have to come to the LA/LB area so I could get it signed and I’ll make you fried chicken. The end.

    Oh, pick me! I don’t know if my boyfriend would actually read the book(I certainly will!) but I could throw it at him the next time “playing” with our daughter whilst talking on the phone.

  7. On June 8th, 2009 at 12:32 pm Marie Says:

    I voted for you and your pretty. I would really luuuuuve to win if not I will be snagging it anyway for Eric for Fathers Day. I want to get him something special since he the cutest expecting father in the whole world.

  8. On June 8th, 2009 at 12:32 pm Marie Says:

    Oh and I promise to try to remember to vote for you everyday until the contest..amen.

  9. On June 8th, 2009 at 12:38 pm a Says:

    I like free stuff. Pick me! I’ll even vote for you some more! My husband likes free stuff even more than I do, so the only Father’s Day gift he’ll be getting is something I get for free…

  10. On June 8th, 2009 at 12:41 pm Danielle Says:

    Pick me pick me random generator! I wanna read it and torture my husband to read it, as well. It’s a win/win situation! Voted and all that jazz as well. I even re-tweeted tellin all my bitches to vote for ya. See? I’m nice!

  11. On June 8th, 2009 at 12:49 pm Kristine Says:

    I voted.

    And also PICK ME!!

  12. On June 8th, 2009 at 12:52 pm mommaruthsays Says:

    A) It’s awesome you know people who write books!
    B) It’s even more awesome that you’re giving away one of those books!!
    C) It’d be the awesome-est if I won!!!

    w00t w00t for freebie book giveaways!!!

  13. On June 8th, 2009 at 1:07 pm Shari Says:

    *waves hands*

    me ME me Over here!

    Pick me!

  14. On June 8th, 2009 at 1:13 pm Suzy Says:

    Me, me, me!!! I’ll vote for you with different email addresses, even!!

  15. On June 8th, 2009 at 2:07 pm GingerB Says:

    My husband needs all the help he can get, despite the fact that our two girls means he has four (4!) children to support and care for, and ought to know a little something by now.

    Pick us!

    And we do vote for you, all over.

  16. On June 8th, 2009 at 2:53 pm honeywine Says:

    I don’t know who I’d give it to since Paladin has the Dad thing covered. Wuuu…maybe I should leave it out for Bell’s boyfriend! It might scare them more than Bell’s well-behaved siblings!

  17. On June 8th, 2009 at 3:04 pm kalakly Says:

    I’m in, but I have to read it first, just in case there are secrets or other tricks I should know about before my husband finds out about them and uses them against me:)

  18. On June 8th, 2009 at 3:28 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    Voted for you again today. 😀 And that sounds like an awesome book! Have SEVERAL people I could give it to as presents….my husband doesn’t need it, as he adjusted way better than me.

    But I, just like you, surround myself with people that are WAY awesomer then I am. It’s how I roll…..

  19. On June 8th, 2009 at 3:33 pm lady lemon Says:

    Dude, I know that Nigerian Prince. He gets around.

    Ask the people at the post office about him. They know him, too.

  20. On June 8th, 2009 at 4:00 pm giggleblue Says:

    we have no daddy over here, but i think i would enjoy the read anyway. and who knows, i may meet some new dad to pass it on to, you know, after i’ve read it! my BIL is pregnant. well, he’s not pregnant but his wife is. same difference, right? anyway, i need to win something, hell.

  21. On June 8th, 2009 at 4:11 pm Lippy Says:

    I have a post office phobia, too. Luckily my husband has a phobia about tasks left unfinished or we would never get christmas gifts out. My BIL and SIL just had a baby so this would be a great gift.

  22. On June 8th, 2009 at 5:45 pm desiree fawn Says:

    Gasp! My partner would love this ^_^
    Thank you for zee chance!

  23. On June 8th, 2009 at 6:00 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Don’t pick me. I’m already reading (and loving) it.

    More to come later this week on my review blog.

    (Now THAT, my dear, is called foreshadowing… or maybe just a shameless plug.)

  24. On June 8th, 2009 at 5:31 pm Thomas Says:

    Ooooh oooh. Random generator fall on me!! Well not actually the random generator, rather the random generator result. How heavy is a random generator anyway? I might get totally injured!!! Wait… the random generator isn’t actually Becky herself is it?! Didn’t she say she was like super heavy and un-photographable not too long ago? Oh noes!! Help!! Random generator… pick them below to fall on, not mE!!
    V V
    V V
    V V

  25. On June 8th, 2009 at 5:53 pm susan varney Says:

    love it governor

  26. On June 8th, 2009 at 5:58 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Well, I would hop up and down and wave my hand furiously, but as the selection is totally random and I already look foolish most of the time, I’ll take a dork’s holiday on this one.

    Of course, if it’s not really random, I might make you an offer of doing all your laundry for a week if you pick me. I might also suggest that I would be willing to strap on the appropriate “gear” in order to get into a male head space so that I can truly mesh with the male POV offered up in this here tome of daddyhood (What? It’s no different than a sympathy belly).
    Clearly, I have no shame and way too much time on my hands.

  27. On June 8th, 2009 at 6:55 pm Meg Says:

    Hmmm…I’m not even the most remotly talented in any way. Half the time I can’t even string two words together without scrtatching them out 3 or 4 times. I love that others can write books that I can read and get a good laugh out of. Hey maybe YOU should write a book;)

    What was the topic again??? I forgot what I was commenting about .I just like leaving rambling stuff for you now;) Crap I think I may have to go back into therapy again…Off to call the therapist….

  28. On June 8th, 2009 at 7:22 pm Inna Says:

    I voted yesterday… and I voted again today.
    Foreshadowing rocks… now if you would just spill the beans we’d all stop stalking your blog for clues…. so I guess that means… oh, I don’t know. 🙂

  29. On June 8th, 2009 at 7:34 pm Mike Barry Says:

    your website is so funny and true

  30. On June 8th, 2009 at 7:34 pm Mike Barry Says:

    keep up the good work

  31. On June 8th, 2009 at 7:48 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    This is something that gets my husband all irate, the lack of books, websites ect aimed at the dad. I bought him a few books when I was pregnant, but they were all pretty sophmoric, I just may have to get this for him.

  32. On June 8th, 2009 at 7:52 pm sandy Says:

    looks good

  33. On June 8th, 2009 at 9:07 pm Jenn Says:

    My English teachers were all bitches. The high school ones anyway.
    Books are awesome but Kent doesn’t read (books) and I am not a dad.
    I wouldn’t review things either. I would feel obligated to say NICE things if someone sent me free stuff and the truth is I hate most things, even when they are free. (Not that anyone’s offering, haha.)

  34. On June 8th, 2009 at 9:09 pm randi Says:

    My son is expecting his 1st baby in Jan. & I know he would certainly appreciate this book!

  35. On June 8th, 2009 at 10:29 pm Two Wishes Says:

    The contest ends on my husband’s birthday. And at this point, he’s not likely to get anything for that OR his first father’s day. (Our baby’s young, and mommy’s very, very tired.) So here’s hoping we win and save his week from TOO much sadness!

  36. On June 9th, 2009 at 6:14 am Kristin Says:

    That would be a frakking awesome Father’s Day Gift. I hope I win.

  37. On June 9th, 2009 at 9:05 am Meg Says:

    It would be really extra great if you picked me, uh…random generator?

  38. On June 9th, 2009 at 9:19 am rita Says:

    I’ve had all the kids I’m going to have, my kids have had all the kids they’re going to have, so now I’m waiting for a niece or nephew to get around to it. I have a nephew who would totally appreciate the book, if he’d get off his ass and stop smoking weed and find a real girlfriend.

  39. On June 9th, 2009 at 9:20 am Sarah Says:

    I hope we get it because my poor husband has to live with ME. He needs some bright spot in his life.

  40. On June 9th, 2009 at 9:54 am Jen Anderson Says:

    I’d love to win a copy. But if I don’t, I’m likely to just buy it. We’re trying to get me knocked up and although my husband has many friends with kids, I still think he could use all the friendly advice he could get.

  41. On June 9th, 2009 at 11:38 am Nancy Says:

    Leaving a comment on my way to vote for you! I would love to read it.

  42. On June 9th, 2009 at 11:40 am Nancy Says:

    Dude, you’re kicking Dooce’s ASS over there! Woot!

  43. On June 9th, 2009 at 12:52 pm Potty Mouth Mommy Says:

    heh- i’ve been TOTALLY voting for you… before you even ASKED for it!! (I followed a link on someone else’s blog, and found you from scrolling the awards.. teehee)

    and I TOTALLY think I should get that book- even though I won’t give it to my husband until AFTER I give birth to a live baby….

    and wow, that sounds harsh- i’m TOTALLY not trying to play that card… but I’m hormonal from starting drugs for CLOMID: THE SEQUEL… fun times!!! 😀

  44. On June 9th, 2009 at 1:20 pm Lindsay Says:

    I really hope I win. This could be the saving grace in our endless struggle to conceive. Give him something to look forward to as well. Yay!

  45. On June 9th, 2009 at 12:41 pm shay Says:

    I’m voting every day (that I remember – sorry the old brain is not what it used to be!)

  46. On June 9th, 2009 at 1:05 pm RhoRho Says:

    I am most definitely NOT cooler than you, as I regularly STILLL after all this time get one comment per post, and have not had a book published (although I should; it’s just bad taste on their part)…but anyways, dug your college story. I’ll vote!

  47. On June 9th, 2009 at 3:56 pm Jilly Says:

    Ooh Ooh, pick me . My hubby would live it!. Love reading your blog. Gotta go vote now.


  48. On June 9th, 2009 at 4:05 pm Angellee Says:

    wanna trade pictures of my little man for your book?

  49. On June 9th, 2009 at 6:21 pm Kendra Says:

    I’m all about surrounding yourself with people who are cooler than you. (That’s why I hang out here; I’m hoping some of your cool will rub off on me, or at least make me look slightly cooler simply for knowing (about) you.)

    The book looks terrific. And keep remiding us to vote. I can’t remember anything for longer than a few hours, so I need daily reminders, and I’m totally hoping you win!

  50. On June 10th, 2009 at 7:42 pm Mimi Says:

    Am I too late? Is it the 14th? What day is it? Who are you? Where am I? Give me the book and I swear I’ll get every family member and friend of mine to vote for you. Repeatedly.

  51. On June 11th, 2009 at 6:04 am Betts Says:

    Geez, 50 comments! I should try giving something away sometime. Maybe I’ll give myself away to a family that has a new couch broken in. But I digress. I’ve got to look at this book, because I’m not seeing dad’s lives change as much as ours, so I need to read and gain a little sympathy for them.

    Oh, and I’m waiting for flower boxes, too. The were supposed to be Mother’s Day gifts, but so far they are pieces of wood in the shed.

  52. On June 11th, 2009 at 8:48 am Ali Hammons Says:

    My husband and I are pregnant (well I am) with our second child. This book sounds like a great book for him!

  53. On June 13th, 2009 at 8:32 am Erma Says:

    I would love the chance to win.

  54. On June 13th, 2009 at 12:57 pm Thomas Gibson Says:

    My cousin just had twins. He needs all the help he can get!

  55. On June 13th, 2009 at 3:34 pm Ed Nemmers Says:

    Happy Weekend!

  56. On June 13th, 2009 at 8:29 pm Shania Duncan Says:

    This would be a great gift for my brother, the soon to be new dad.

  57. On June 13th, 2009 at 9:11 pm marge mckoen Says:

    oh golly my son inlaw could really use this book

  58. On June 14th, 2009 at 9:02 am gloria mckellar Says:

    This would be great for Father’s Day!

  59. On June 14th, 2009 at 11:49 am Kristin Says:

    enter me please this would be an awesome fathers day present for my husband

  60. On June 14th, 2009 at 11:48 am kathy p Says:

    Thanks for the GREAT giveaway
    please count me in 🙂

  61. On June 14th, 2009 at 1:25 pm Marianna Says:

    I’d love to give this to my brother-in-law! Thanks for the chance to win!

  62. On June 14th, 2009 at 2:26 pm Christine Says:

    This would be great for my fiance. We’re expecting!

  63. On June 14th, 2009 at 5:01 pm chastidy Says:

    This would be great for my hubby, Thanks 🙂

  64. On June 14th, 2009 at 5:26 pm Gabriel J. Says:

    My partner would love it! Keep up the great work as well 🙂

  65. On June 14th, 2009 at 5:35 pm Gianna Says:

    We just had twins not too long ago.. Please enter me 🙂

  66. On June 14th, 2009 at 8:04 pm emily L Says:

    Sounds like a GREAT book!

  67. On June 14th, 2009 at 9:47 pm Lily Kwan Says:

    Please enter me into the contest. Thanks!

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