Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Open Mouth, Insert Foot


I spent a good deal of time yesterday trying desperately to be offended, Pranksters. I looked everywhere. We needed a CAUSE. A pet cause! Something to be Furious George about. Everywhere I looked, Bloggers were angry – really mad – about things.

We had nothing. HM. Maybe that’s a good cause.

(I’m still thinking. Maybe a Furious George Campaign? Fists of Fury? Something SUPER AWESOME that we can all link up together like the John C. Mayer thing)(Holler if you think of something)

Well, I had this, a memory I’d long repressed, thanks to years of painful flashbacks. Another example of how stupid I used to be before I simply shut my own whore mouth and kept my opinions to myself.

Scene: Movado jewelry store, circa 2005. Movado, if you don’t know it, is a fairly fancy watch maker, who also makes modernish, interesting jewelry. It’s like Tiffany & Co, but way better.

I’d gone in with a friend of mine to buy something ridiculously expensive. My taste in jewelry runs from the stuff you have to ensure to this, which I wear most days:

Name Necklace

It’s hit or miss.

But that day, I was buying something fancy-pants. I was chatting with the salesperson, who was my age (25) and relatively hip. She brought up engagement rings, something I cannot speak with any authority on, unless you want to talk metal (platinum) or size (big). The minute you start going on about clarity and grading, my eyes glass over. But she and my friend were having a grand old time. They pulled out engagement rings (much to my dismay) and started trying them on, cooing over each of them.

I was bored shitless so I opened my stupid trap.

“Phew, at least you don’t have any HEART-SHAPED DIAMONDS. THOSE THINGS ARE FUG.”*

Now, I love hearts. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday because I love hearts so much. Hearts = rad.

But for my engagement ring, something I’m (presumably) supposed to wear every single day? Not so much. I like those uh, circle diamond ones. Whatever they’re called.

(I just got my vagina-license revoked)

Anyway, back at Movado, Girlfriend cast a WITHERING look at me.

She snapped the engagement rings back from my friend as she sputtered out, “MY MOTHER HAS A HEART-SHAPED DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING.”

Then she flounced off.

I’d found and managed to offend the only 25-year old in Oak Brook who loved and planned upon owning a heart-shaped diamond.

THAT took talent.


Okay, it’s your turn, Pranksters. I need some embarrassing stories from you guys now. I’M STILL UPSET ABOUT THIS ONE. I hate hurting people’s feelers.


Bloggies? Vote? PLEASE? If I win, I promise to do something incredibly embarrassing.

*I wear a necklace with my name on it. NO one should be offended by my taste in ANYTHING.

69 Comments to

“Open Mouth, Insert Foot”

  1. On February 8th, 2011 at 10:44 am MKP Says:

    Step 1, I thought that necklace said “SlutBody”

    Step 2, I once told my best friend that people with butt-chins scare me only to turn around and see her and her identical twin sister both grimace at their respective identical butt chins.

  2. On February 8th, 2011 at 10:47 am Jennifer Says:

    I think the truly embarrassing I’ve managed to purge from my mind. But I do recall being in a very odd conversation with a guy (who was very cute) and I couldn’t remember what state potatoes came from. Iowa? Illinois? Indiana? His withering “Idaho” made me slink away. Why the hell were we talking about potatoes??

  3. On February 8th, 2011 at 10:51 am Angie the Anti-Theist Says:

    There I was, out to dinner with my high school boyfriend Erik and his entire extended family (aunts, uncles and grandparents from out of state, and even the foreign exchange kid from Sweden living with his parents that year.)

    Erik’s mom begins to mildly scold him for overlooking some obscure etiquette rule. In an attempt to get her to hate me slightly less than she did, I responded “He’s obviously not as polite as you. Why, you have so little in common, you’d think he was adopted!”

    The Entire Table Stares. Apparently my good ole boyfriend WAS adopted and just hadn’t mentioned it to me. Never before or since have I more wanted to turn into a pool of liquid suitable for sliding under a table.

  4. On February 8th, 2011 at 12:17 pm Vinomom Says:

    This is seriously GOLD.

  5. On February 8th, 2011 at 5:32 pm Monica Says:

    favorite giggle of the day! but horrifying. really.

  6. On February 8th, 2011 at 10:52 am Erin Says:

    Scene: Working at a place that has school trips.

    Bus opens doors and a teacher walks out. I’m waiting for a contact person named Danna, I walked up to said person and offer my hand, asking if they’re Danna.

    They answer that no, they’re ADAM.


    I felt horrendous the rest of the day.

    I STILL feel horrendous.

  7. On February 8th, 2011 at 10:59 am Jessica Says:

    I once stated that people who abuse children should go die in a fire only to have one of the people to whom I was speaking turn bright red and walk away. Confused, I looked around all “uhhhhh” only to have someone whisper to me that that guy’s dad actually did die in a fire.

  8. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:00 am Tershbango Says:

    Is her mother 12? Did she ride a My Little Pony to the wedding? Give me a break, you don’t even need to COUNT that as offending someone.

    I love me some hearts, too – but if my man bought me a heart-shaped engagement ring, I’d punch him.

  9. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:25 am M.M.Mama Says:

    I could not agree with you more! I love it!

  10. On February 8th, 2011 at 12:43 pm Coco Says:

    “Did she ride a My Little Pony to the wedding?” = BEST LINE EVER.

  11. On February 9th, 2011 at 10:15 pm katrina Says:

    absolutely the BEST line ever!

  12. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:02 am guardianAng Says:

    I have WAY to many “Nanny Diary” moments. 99.9% of the time, being my babysitter is a fantastic gig. The only problem is- when I blow it, I tend to blow it big. Last week I sent “Miss Candy” out for a Baby Thermometer because one of the twins had a ridiculously high fever. I sent her with my credit card, and she came back with a freaking cheap 79cent thing that my little miserable one could not keep under her tongue or up her butt for 3 minutes. My total meltdown tantrum, as the baby was puking and burning with fever and fighting the thing, was “ANY TIME I GIVE YOU MY CREDIT CARD FOR SOMETHING, ASSUME I WANT THE UPGRADED FUCKING VERSION! DO I LOOK LIKE I CAN’T FUCKING AFFORD A $5.00 DIGITAL THERMOMETER?!!!”” Yup- it was bad. I paid her a lot extra and apologized profusely- but the look on my face said it all. It was somewhere between Shirley Maclain and Joan Crawford probably hits the nail on the head of my behavior….

    Horrifying. Judge me all you want. I deserve it. Also- I tend to say I look fat in front of heavy people (yes- sometimes babysitters). I mean- i’ve done it a handful of times, and I think it’s the WORST. Totally insensitive. I wish they can understand that I DO feel fat- and that everything is relative, and I have not noticed their size at all- until I see their face, obviously offended. But I realize it’s inexcusable. Yup. good thing I have a big foot.

  13. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:05 am Rebecca Says:

    Had class back in college with this really sweet girl. We were both something like 18 or 19. I loved her dearly. One day she looked at me and asked about a scar on my arm. I went on with some very colorful (sailor like) language about the retarted doctor who screwed up setting my arm and how he used DUCT TAPE…yes that horrible silver tape… put a cast back on after he had taken it off to x-ray my arm……a real doctor used duct tape to put the cast back on my still broken arm……when I was eight years old…………….Anyway, I totally ripped him a new one in my choice of words in explaining the scar…..She looked at me with tears in her eyes after I finished my rant. I figured she felt really sorry for me and was crying the tears for me…….Once I shut my mouth she said, “That’s my grandpa”

  14. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:09 am a Says:

    When we were a bunch of bored 13 year olds, we devised this wonderful plan to embarrass one of our friends. No, embarrass is not strong enough a word…mortify, that’s it. We told him that our other friend’s dad was this fantastic, amazing international soccer player, and that he should go and ask her about it. (Her dad was a Chicago cop with all extremities intact). So he did. My friend, using her incipient acting talent, gets off the swing she was sitting on, whips it away from her while tossing her hair, glares at him, and says “You asshole! My father has no legs!” And storms off across the park. And we all fell about laughing uproariously at the poor guy standing there stunned and, well, mortified.

  15. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:12 am Eric Says:

    I hesitate writing this one because nobody will like me after but WTF right?

    In college 2,000 years ago I had a group of friends who loved to play “The Dozens,” e.g., sling mom jokes. We graduated. (Not from mom jokes). Email had just been discovered and there was a chain going back and forth about, I dunno, getting together for drinks or something.

    Background, there was a personal rivalry between me and “J” which sometimes got heated. Lately he had been at my mom (and no, I don’t mean “AT” my MOM) and I was out for blood.

    The email chain was going back and forth. Someone pointed out the bad spelling in one of J’s responses. My fingers flew:

    “J never learned English correctly because his mom used to staple his tongue to his forehead so he wouldn’t scream when she fucked him with her big, purple, cock.”

    I got an email from just one friend seconds later: “Dude! My PARENTS were on that list!”

    His parents were very Catholic and in their ’70s.

    Perhaps they violated him with rosaries instead? Anyway. My foot has teeth marks from many subsequent faux passes. Thanks for sharing.

  16. On February 8th, 2011 at 9:30 pm Berserk Father Says:

    I laughed out loud! That was excellent!

  17. On February 9th, 2011 at 9:08 am Eric Says:

    Thank you sir! I like your blog. I’m passing it on to another dad scientist I know.

  18. On February 9th, 2011 at 12:14 pm Berserk Father Says:

    Well thanks very much!

  19. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:15 am Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    If sleep deprivation and medicines hadn’t stolen my mind I can guarantee I have offended many a people. Wait I think I have one I went on and on about how ugly this item was I can’t remember whether it was a purse or phone or whatever it’s neither here nor there but I went on for like 5 minutes on how stupid and ugly I thought it was only to realize the girl sitting to the left of me had the exact item I was speaking of. So I had to play it off like I meant one on the complete other side of the room. It did not work. Now style I do not have why would anyone care but this girl cried. Oh I felt mortified. Needless to say I am not invited to that social outing anymore.
    And AMEN on the Heart Diamonds seriously, they look like something my youngest daughter would want AT 6. No grown up should have one. Cause you are correct they are FUG!!

  20. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:15 am NotJustAnotherJennifer Says:

    Um yeah, I put my foot in my mouth so often, I don’t even know where to start. The time my friend’s grandma had passed away and the next week was her bday and I asked my friend why she was so said and she said because it was her grandma’s bday and I told her to wish her a happy bday is the one that pops to mind first.

  21. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:19 am Val Says:

    First of all, my engagement ring IS heart shaped. My husband had his then 7 year old daughter help pick out my ring.

    So, my embarrassing story is about something HE did. HA!

    Once he was at the bakery counter at the grocery, waiting for service. The woman working was at the bread slicing machine and told him she would be with him shortly. He said, “No hurry, I don’t want you to cut off any fingers or anything.” She turned around, furious, holds up her hand (missing 2 fingers) and snaps, “OH, I suppose you think that’s funny!” OOPS! He bought his cookies and slinked away.

  22. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:19 am Ms Dreamer Says:

    I do have a heart-shaped pink ice ring (was a promise ring from the hubs our 2nd Christmas together), but never a diamond (I think they’re kinda hokey). I do, however, covet a Twitter necklace (even though I don’t tweet too often).

    Open mouth, insert foot? I do that…loads. But there’s only one that sticks out in my mind, and it’s definitely not fit for print. o.O

  23. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:24 am Pam Says:

    I’m thinking maybe you just have the misfortune to be surrounded by folks with high opinions of themselves; or who have had a bad day or a hormonal day that causes them to take everything the WRONG way; or those without a sense of humor at all; or who just love to get attention by faking injury and insult…or, maybe I don’t like heart shaped rings either. LOL

    I’ll try to remember an embarrassing moment to share…at my age, the mind goes quickly—which maybe isn’t such a bad thing after all?

  24. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:30 am A Vapid Blonde Says:

    She deserved to be offended, if she is defending a heart shaped engagement ring. Also she should have been more professional.

    I have too many “foot in mouth” stories to list. I could go on and on.

  25. On February 8th, 2011 at 1:46 pm Samantha Says:

    This is a really good point. She should have been more professional! If you work in a jewelry store you can’t get offended when people have opinions about jewelry, right?

  26. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:39 am Julie Says:

    Mine is pretty bad. I was out shopping and ran into a teacher from my daughters school. She had been pregnant. This lady is the type that is seriously cute and tiny and when pregnant just has the little round tummy like she swallowed a basket ball. Anyway I proceeded to ask when she was due because I knew that she was pregnant and should be due soon. She told me that she already had him a few weeks earlier. It was aweful, she still had the perfectly round belly, how was i to know. After my pregnancies you could tell i was no longer pregnant becuase instead of a round belly i just had a saggy pile of mush. What do you say after that? I pretty much just walked away and have felt extremely uncomfortable around her ever since!

  27. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:47 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    That DOES take talent.

    Back when DH and I were just dating, he was taking me over to his parents’ house to meet them for the first time. It was Christmas and as we’re driving down the street, I make a comment about how tacky those blow up decorations are and how I can’t stand them. Two seconds later we pull into his parents’ driveway… right next to a HUGE blow up snowman.

    I still can’t figure out why he married me.

  28. On February 8th, 2011 at 12:13 pm Jana A Says:

    As a jeweler’s daughter, I’m highly offended that you don’t know more about color, clarity, cuts, cost, blah blah blah. It’s all I’ve known all my life. You can send your vagina-license to me at…..

  29. On February 8th, 2011 at 12:20 pm MOV Says:

    You’re kidding, right? My whole entire life is just a series of one more embarrassing moment caked on top of another.
    One that springs to mind right this instant is that fun time in college when my benevolent parents let me “study” abroad in Florence, Italy for a semester. Before the semester started, we were given a quick (two week) tour of several cities in Italy, including Capri and Naples. Several weeks into the semester, we had a long week-end, so some girlfirends and I decided to take the train to Lake Como. I heard some random strangers speaking with an American accent so I struck up a conversation with them. It went something like this:
    Me: “Where are you from?”
    Cute guy: “Texas.”
    Me: “Me too!! well, actually I mean California. But, you know, the United States and all. They’re really close.
    Guy: “Yeah.”
    Me: “Are you vacationing and going all over Italy?”
    Guy: “Yeah, me and my brother are going to be here for about three weeks. After Lake Como, we’re going to go to Venice and Rome and then Naples.”
    Me: (thinking I am an expert) “I love Venice, but you should just skip Naples all together because it is filthy and there is nothing to do there and we had a really bad experience and they are all crazy drivers and you will hate it. Just take Naples right OFF YOUR LIST.”
    Guy: “My dad’s cousin is from Naples, and that’s who we’re going to visit. We come out every summer. We love Naples.”
    Guy: (icy stare)
    Me: “Uh, I’m gonna go get a soda or cappuccino or something…”

  30. On February 8th, 2011 at 12:25 pm Julie Says:

    I have conveniently chosen to forget my fox paws. However, when my husband met my mom for the first time (and her Laurel- and Hardy-shaped Siamese cats), he said, “Boy, that sure is a big cat!” Way to go, Dude!

  31. On February 8th, 2011 at 12:28 pm Vinomom Says:

    Reading all these replies were awesome! I have so many foot in mouth stories, since I seem to have no filter. If I think of a really good one I will come back and share.

  32. On February 8th, 2011 at 12:45 pm steph gas Says:

    i can’t pick out just one. i put my foot in my mouth way too often.

  33. On February 8th, 2011 at 1:18 pm Sarah Says:

    Hi Becky, This is totally off subject…but, I thought you would like to know that Mark Zuckerberg listens to John Mayer! Baaaahhahahahaah! 😀 I know it’s a fact because I looked up his facebook account!


  34. On February 8th, 2011 at 1:52 pm Ella Says:

    Alright Aunt Becky, I think I know of something to be all Furious George about (yes, I absolutely LOVE that phrase) if you go to

    I think you’ll find this is something to be pretty Furious George over since the guy Midwestern Mama is talking about is BASHING AMERICAN WOMEN. WHAT THE HELL?

  35. On February 9th, 2011 at 12:10 pm badbadwebbis Says:

    Hee! I visited that guy’s website (called Boycott American Women) and it was hysterically stupid. One man felt the need to reassure the interwebs that he was not, in fact, in possession of a small penis.

    Also, feminism is responsible for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

    I won’t link to these posts because the site is ridiculous and he doesn’t deserve the traffic.

    I sense that the authors ALL have small penii.

  36. On February 8th, 2011 at 2:32 pm Mompetition Says:

    ME: I swear to God if I hear this song one more time I’m going to throw myself off a bridge
    HIM: *Silence*
    ME: What?
    HIM: My dad committed suicide when I was 7 by jumping off a bridge.
    ME: WHAT? You’re lying, no way. No one kills themselves by jumping off bridges, it’s way too dramatic. (laughing)
    HIM: I’m not lying.
    (Long car ride home)

  37. On February 8th, 2011 at 2:59 pm amberlashell Says:

    You know, I can’t really think of anything off the top of my head where I hurt someone’s feelings.. but, give me some time and i’m sure I can think of something.

    As for the ring issue, I agree w/you.. A heart shaped diamond is nice, but as an engagement ring? no,, I actually like the square shaped ones.. (I also know nothing of clarity or whatnot)

  38. On February 8th, 2011 at 3:14 pm Holly B Says:

    Oh how I know the need to be angry. Ive been in such a funk lately due to real life stuff, then this morning I logged onto my blog, checked yesterdays comments and by God …. I had something. Some assbag, dillhole who wants to Boycott American Women. He’s been making the rounds through the blogs. Usually I let shit like this go but OHHH How I needed to vent. Actually my family should send him a thank you card, tonight they will be safe from my mood.
    Check it out if you want to –

    BTW… Diamonds are always a YES! I like old estate jewelry/settings

  39. On February 9th, 2011 at 10:34 pm katrina Says:

    that asshole lives in crazyland.

  40. On February 8th, 2011 at 3:17 pm Amy Says:

    What about People Against Diverse Pens? We can champion the ball-point. Or fountain. Or we could do a Campaign Against Chili Peppers. This is from a facebook group I’m in, but “PETR: People for the Ethical Treatment of Rocks.” You may think it’s ridiculous, but rocks have families, too. You think it’s funny when you pick a rock up off the ground and throw it at your ex-boyfriend’s window? WRONG. That was a Mommy Rock and now you have just left her Baby Rocks to the harsh, harsh world.

  41. On February 8th, 2011 at 3:18 pm Holly B Says:

    Well HOW was THAT for foot in mouth ……. someone already linked my irritation to you.
    MMMM… tootsies taste good .lol

  42. On February 8th, 2011 at 3:56 pm Kelly Says:

    I sold jewelry, and managed jewelry stores for 10 years, and had the misfortune of selling quite a few heart shaped diamonds. Or upside down butt shapes.

    One service that all jewelry stores do is the clean and check of your jewelry. We had a lady that had a ton of cheap, crappy, stuff that was bought on clearance, and whatnot who came in all the time for this. She comes in one day with a freaking huge, pear shape CZ, to get cleaned and checked. Her asshat husband told her that he paid 30k for it. She asked me to put it under the diamond tester, and even though I already knew it was fake, I did what she asked. She seriously accused me of lying. Of our machine being faulty.

  43. On February 8th, 2011 at 4:03 pm Regina Says:

    Oh, please. My father was shot to death during a robbery, and I don’t cringe everytime someone mentions someone being shot. People use colloquial expressions. Get over it.
    A funny story, however, was when my sister and her friends were together, and some of them were discussing what alcoholics their fathers were. My sister said,”you think that’s bad- my dad’s liver was shot!”. She and one of her equally disturbed friends laughed hysterically, while the rest of them looked on in horror. I thought it was pretty damn funny when I heard it, and my dad would have thought it was funny too.

  44. On February 8th, 2011 at 4:21 pm QCMAMA Says:

    so, in November when My grandma first broke her neck. After her surgery she coded and it was chaos so I text my bff and I said OMG grandma is coding IDK what I am going to do i’m freaking out. and on and on for about 4 messages. I get one back that says “this is your bffs husband I am in the er with my dad, congenital heart failure, mass in his lungs, think its cancer maybe 2 months to live, I will give her the msg”
    Talk about feeling like an asshole. I didn’t text her with anymore problems for a while.

  45. On February 8th, 2011 at 4:26 pm Chocolate Diapers Says:

    I once asked my son, who’s a momma’s boy, who he liked more, Daddy or Hitler. He said Hitler.

    Well, about a month later, we were on an airplane, and my 2-year-old was charming the pants off of the row of adults behind us.

    Out of nowhere, he says, “I yuv Hitler. He’s a really funny guy.”

    I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t laugh. Still, I was afraid of what he might have said next, so I pushed him down on his seat and changed the subject. The uncomfortable smiles on their faces weren’t fading, and I figured I’d best come clean.

    “It’s just this dumb thing we do where I ask him who he likes more, Daddy or Hitler,” I said as if everyone were doing it, too. “Sometimes I’ll ask, ‘Daddy or Saddam Hussein?’ You know, it’s our silly little game.”

    They still wore the uncomfortable smiles, and nodded.

  46. On February 8th, 2011 at 6:04 pm Monica Says:

    thanks aunt becky and pranksters, i needed a laugh tonight.

    years ago i was in damascus studying arabic. i wasn’t so good with practical words… tomato, chair, eggs… i’m a bit overly obsessive and tend to think too much before trying to say a word i’m nervous about in another language. and the word for egg [bayda] and white men [beed] was soo twisted in my head while i was walking to the corner shop. i’d completely blanked on eggs [plural]. i walk into a shop filled with men and announce that i want 12 white men. [snickering] ‘really?’ asked the shopkeeper, ‘wouldn’t just one be enough?’ ‘no,’ says me, ‘i really need 12’. and they all erupt with laughter. i so tried to laugh with them. but i never went back to that shop.

    and.. i’m mad about sir topham hat’s name change. really? the fat conductor? can’t we avoid future embarrassment by going back to sir topham hat?

  47. On February 8th, 2011 at 6:43 pm Melissa Says:

    Years ago, I asked my cousin when she was due. When she blew it off because it was innocent enough given the outfit she was wearing, I insisted (I was drunk), NO REALLY!!! I know how it feels now, since my waxer korean lady asked me when I was due and actually rubbed my belly. But really? I wasnt offended. I just said no, just belly.

    Ok, one more. Ever get caught red handed talking shit about someone? Like they were behind the counter at the gym you worked at and kind of under the counter because they were bottom cabinets? Yeah, that sucks.

  48. On February 8th, 2011 at 6:55 pm Tracy Says:

    I went to a wedding in a very rural area a few years ago. At the reception (which was in a metal barn, mind you) I leaned over and whispered to my cousin that I couldn’t believe so-and-so’s mom is wearing JEANS at a wedding, all city girl snobby like you know I am, not realizing that her husband who was sitting next to her was also.wearing.jeans. Open mouth, insert foot! I still feel bad about that one, so I know how you feel.

  49. On February 8th, 2011 at 7:18 pm Chahula Says:

    I work in a building that used to be a prison. There are still bars and cells and kinky good times (but that’s a whole different story).

    So an escape artist -he gave himself a fancier title than that, though- wanted to be locked into one of the more famous cells (on death row) and then Ta-DA! he would escape.

    In some bizarre twist of the world’s fabric, he actually managed to get quite a bit of media attention and tons of reporters and news cameras piled into the jail to watch Mumford the Magician, or whatever his name was, break free from his prison bonds! There is quite the ceremony as he is stripped to his speedos and locked up. And then, Hal Houdini, says that everyone has to leave! Only his assistant can watch him break out and the assistant would confirm that the escape was done without any help. I am not making this shit up.

    So all these reporters and cameras get shuffled away and everyone is grumbling and complaining and getting quite cranky. I turn to the random guy next to me and say, ” Wow. This is dumb. I guess you must have pulled the short straw to have to cover this story”.

    “Uhhh,” was the reply “Sammy Swammi is my friend”.

    I have no memory after that. I think I might have choked a bit and ran.

  50. On February 8th, 2011 at 7:18 pm Chahula Says:

    I work in a building that used to be a prison. There are still bars and cells and kinky good times (but that’s a whole different story).

    So an escape artist -he gave himself a fancier title than that, though- wanted to be locked into one of the more famous cells (on death row) and then Ta-DA! he would escape.

    In some bizarre twist of the world’s fabric, he actually managed to get quite a bit of media attention and tons of reporters and news cameras piled into the jail to watch Mumford the Magician, or whatever his name was, break free from his prison bonds! There is quite the ceremony as he is stripped to his speedos and locked up. And then, Hal Houdini, says that everyone has to leave! Only his assistant can watch him break out and the assistant would confirm that the escape was done without any help. I am not making this shit up.

    So all these reporters and cameras get shuffled away and everyone is grumbling and complaining and getting quite cranky. I turn to the random guy next to me and say, ” Wow. This is dumb. I guess you must have pulled the short straw to have to cover this story”.

    “Uhhh,” was the reply “Sammy Swammi is my friend”.

    I have no memory after that. I think I might have choked a bit and ran.

  51. On February 8th, 2011 at 8:11 pm Megan Says:

    I was little and my grandfather took me to my great aunt’s house for some reason. She was cleaning out the cabinents in the kitchen so there was stuff everywhere. I said, “Good thing my mom’s not here. She’d be really mad that your house is a mess.” This was, of course, my grandfather’s go to story when speaking of me for the rest of his life!

  52. On February 8th, 2011 at 8:31 pm Sarah P Says:

    My mom once danced with a midshipman she thought was really nice at a party. She asked him what his name was, and he said, “Dudley.” So she laughed. But it was really his name.

    Also, my husband once told a girlfriend in a disgusted tone of voice his dad wanted to name him “Ambrose” or “Benedict.” She said, “My dad’s name is Benedict.” So he said, “Yeah, but AMBROSE?”

    You can feel better now.

  53. On February 9th, 2011 at 9:02 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  54. On February 8th, 2011 at 8:44 pm Jaci @ Ravings of a Mad Housewife Says:

    Heart-shaped engagement rings go nicely with a teen-pregnancy/Prom night proposal.

    But anyone who owns (or loves) heart-shaped diamonds shouldn’t give a shit about what I think of them. Gawd, people need to man up and stop flouncing off over stupid shit.

  55. On February 9th, 2011 at 9:02 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s kinda my take on it. Like, um, you care what I think why?

  56. On February 8th, 2011 at 8:51 pm Chelsea Talks Smack Says:

    VOTED FOR YOU and also, NO I hate heart shaped engagement rings. MEH. ALSO, I WANT THAT NECKLACE.

  57. On February 9th, 2011 at 8:56 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The necklace is awesome. FULL of the awesome. It’s also awesomely tacky which makes love it more.

  58. On February 8th, 2011 at 10:42 pm Bird Flu Says:

    Any given night at work (Medical ICU)
    The coast is thought to be clear, no visitors in sight. At some point I drop the F-bomb right as some little old lady rounds the corner. Seriously happens every shift I work. You’d think I’d just stop cussing….nah, fuck it. It’s fun.

  59. On February 9th, 2011 at 8:55 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    If you stopped using the f-bomb, I’d cry.

  60. On February 8th, 2011 at 11:48 pm Holly B Says:

    PS – American Woman Hater also has a forum …

  61. On February 9th, 2011 at 8:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, he made his way around here, too. I just deleted his comment. I figured I wouldn’t give him any traffic.

    I’m REALLY hurt that he wasn’t just trolling me.

  62. On February 9th, 2011 at 2:34 am u'r in SF Says:

    My mouth ALWAYS gets me in trouble. This summer I moved to an apartment in San Francisco with a friend-of-a-friend I didn’t know super well, except that we have opposite schedules (we live together and see each other ONCE A WEEK, tops). So it’s maybe a month after we’ve moved and all is going well. It’s a gorgeous San Francisco day and I live across from Golden Gate Park, so I put on some sandals and head out. As I’m walking out the front door of the complex, I step, like-ya-do, in a puddle of URINE — some drunk ass was kind enough to piss all over the entryway. I freak out, because, SANDALS! and PISS! and jesus fucking christ this is fucking shit what asshole… and this is where my roommate rounds the corner, stops in his tracks, and introduces me to one of his oldest friends and her adorable 4 year old daughter. Oh Christ did I make a run for it after that. I apologized and tried to explain myself when I saw him later but he apparently found it quite funny. I still cringe whenever she’s by…

  63. On February 9th, 2011 at 8:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I swear, we’re related.

  64. On February 9th, 2011 at 7:34 am Faery Chaos Says:

    I do this plenty, because, well I have no damn filter it seems. However, here are 2 funny stories where others put their foot in their mouth with me (it’s ok, I was silently and then loudly laughing each time)

    Story 1:
    My boss was showing a new employee around, and another coworker jokingly said to me “That’s your mom!” (meaning the boss lady) about 3-4 times. I turn around, straight face and said “Dude, my mom’s dead” Which is true, but not a hardship for me. His mouth fell open, stayed there and then he just mumbled some sorta of apology and walked away. About 10 seconds later I burst out laughing.

    Story 2:
    A coworker (different one from above) tends to get upset that I make him feel stupid (it’s a running joke between us), and ends up calling me the “Devil” which in itself is funny. However what is funnier is that almost every single time he did it, our Dept boss was walking by exactly when he says it. Even when we were outside talking hundreds of feet away and even when we were in a completely different building. Each time looking around to make sure the coast is clear, only to have the boss walk by as the words exit his mouth.

    Does it count when your sister has a nervous breakdown 5 years ago and ever since then any and all conversations we have I HAVE to say the word “crazy” at least once…if not more?? I don’t seem to be able to stop myself with that one!! Bad Me!

  65. On February 9th, 2011 at 8:53 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha! These are great!

  66. On February 9th, 2011 at 9:22 am Evan Says:

    Was at a fundraiser with a co-worker that I had a less than ideal relationship with. It was a silent auction, so the co-workers wife was browsing and I had sent my husband to GET ME A DRINK IMMEDIATELY to help me deal with having to spend an evening with the jack ass and his wife.

    Uncomfortable small talk ensued (is there any other kind of small talk?) as the two of us were alone at the table waiting for our respective spouses. He jokingly stated that his wife was probably going to bid on everything and spend a fortune that night. I jokingly replied, “yeah, well, it’s for charity, sometimes you have to turn a blind eye to those things”.

    Yeah, realized as soon as that left my mouth the guy actually was legally blind. Awesome.

    Another time a co-worker (that I actually adore) had this picture of stick figure person drawn on his dry erase board. I walked in and asked him if it was supposed to be him. He laughed and said yeah (insert name of other co-worker) drew it. I laughed and said “looks like she forgot to give you a few fingers!”

    Yeah, realized as soon as that left my mouth said co-worker actually does have a malformed hand that is missing a few fingers. Also? Noticed the stick figure was actually flashing the peace sign, not flaunting a birth defect. Double Awesome.

  67. On February 9th, 2011 at 10:15 am Cindy Bennett Says:

    Stop now if profanity is a problem for ya! My husband “J” was talking to his x wifey on the phone and he dropped the F bomb. She in her squeeky high pitched voice says “I don’t appreciate your foul language”!. So J being J, says what the fuck you talking about? You don’t like my fucking language, I guess you better not fuck-n call here if you don’t want to hear my fucking opinion on your fuck-n problems that I don’t even fuck-n care about. I’m fuck-n hanging up on your fuck-n ass. Bye now. I was rolling on the floor. If anyone needs an F-bomb it is her! Hehe

  68. On February 11th, 2011 at 8:17 am Gretchen Montesanto Says:

    I was just telling my husband this story last week.

    I worked at a country club in the restaurant in college (ugh it was misery) Anyway there was this cook who I knew liked me. He also drove what is referred to as a “tuner” car–basically a really loud exhaust, a ridiculous bright yellow color, loud stereo, etc. Well one time in the break room I was mocking his lame car, going on about how stupid it was and how it was decidedly NOT cool. Then a few minutes later he walked out of the adjoining break room. He had been in there the entire time.

    I am still so ashamed.

  69. On March 26th, 2011 at 7:25 am SkippyMom Says:

    The “Hitler” one with her son reminded me of my greatest faux pas. I still feel like crap.

    We have a 10 year old Chesapeake Bay Retriever who is 120 lbs [huge] who still acts like a puppy. He is very regimented about some things, but in others he simply refuses to grow up and he is like a whirling dervish in the house – we have puppified our home just to protect him & ourselves from him. [We do love him.]

    One evening he was doing his usually routine and I looked at my husband and said “I swear to god we have the only autistic dog on the face of the planet.”

    Little did I know our youngest daughter was listening.

    A week later she had to write a report for French class detailing our whole family: Mom, Dad, Sibs and our pets.

    While reading through a copy of it I saw the word “autiste” to describe our little pony, the Chessie. I looked at my daughter and I said “PLEASE tell me this means something else in French then it does in English.” She said “No Mom. You said Scooby was autistic so I put it in there.” I panicked and said “PLEASE tell me you haven’t turned this in yet.” Nope, she had. She actually didn’t realize what autism was and thought it was a condition our dog had.

    I am mortified at the thought of getting that paper back.

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