Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Only YOU Can Prevent Medication Abuse


I was standing there in line at The Target (also known as: my social life), daydreaming about rolling around in a pile of Equal when the cashier asked, “Ma’am, can I see your ID?”

I preened, flattered by this request.

“SURE, you can,” I smiled coyly at the kid behind the counter, not stopping to think for a second about it. Still in my fantasy world where Equal rained from the heavens, I hadn’t even begun to process WHY he’d be asking me for identification – I wasn’t writing a check. I didn’t have any booze. I didn’t even have a carton of smokes or anything. Still I smiled as I handed him my driver’s license.

He looked at me, a little aghast as he scanned my driver’s license, “It’s for the Nyquil,” he informed me.

My jaw dropped open as I did my best trout impression.

Robotripping (drinking the shit out of Dextromethorphan) had become popular just as I delivered my first son. I felt psychedelically wasted from lack of sleep – the last thing I wanted to try was to drink a couple bottles of cough syrup. I’d be more likely to vomit before I got high – that shit tastes like Satan’s Bunghole (unlike Equal, which tastes like the nectar of the Gods).

But I had friends who did it. And I was old enough to be all, *eye roll* “that’s lame.” Because it is. If you want to get wasted, you don’t drink 6 bottles of cough syrup – you drink a Bourbon + Vicodin Tonic. EVERYONE knows that.

A few kids later, I heard about sizzurp, thanks to my favorite rapper*, Lil Wayne.

I petitioned the Stop Medication Abuse board to use Lil Wayne’s picture in place of a warning: “possible side effects may include becoming Lil Wayne.” But so far, no luck.

And I will neatly sidebar into this: I have been doing amazingly well on my New Year’s resolution: do not become Lil Wayne. I wake up each morning and am STILL not Lil Wayne. I make the best resolutions ever.

But last night, as I was making out with my bottle of Nyquil because I couldn’t stand being up another night of having “Afternoon Delight” playing on repeat in my head and I saw it: another warning about medication abuse.

So rather than spend the night trying to gouge out my eyeballs with my fingernails to the soothing sounds of Starland Vocal Band, I instead laid awake for three and a half minutes (until the Nyqyil kicked in), trying to figure out how the shit kids could drink Nyquil and not go the fuck to sleep.


*ten minutes later*


*eight hours later*


*twelve hours later*


*sixteen hours later*

“Fuck, my mouth tastes like a squirrel shit in it. That was one hell of a party. What the fuck day is it?”

Although, now that I think on it, throw in some adult diapers and that DOES sound like my kinda party.

*total lie

22 Comments to

“Only YOU Can Prevent Medication Abuse”

  1. On March 15th, 2012 at 12:03 pm ArykaNotErika Says:

    I think i would rather turn into lil wayne than use equal. Im just sayin. #teamsplenda

  2. On March 15th, 2012 at 12:09 pm Cindy Says:

    I just laughed so hard I peed my pants in the waiting room at the Firestone tire shop. I really should quit reading your blob in public.

  3. On March 15th, 2012 at 12:12 pm Melissa Says:

    A) That photo of Lil Wayne is totally disgusting.
    B) How hard is it to sneak into your parent’s liquor cabinet these days?
    Also, I’ve heard of so many fucked up ways for teens to get high, but some are pretty good ideas. Not so much the “soak your tampon in vodka and insert”…but the vodka gummy bears were pretty awesome!

  4. On March 17th, 2012 at 9:58 am Tricia @SassyPantsMomma Says:

    Please tell me you are kidding about the “soaking the tampon in vodka” thing?!?

  5. On March 15th, 2012 at 12:22 pm Michelle Says:

    I LOVE Equal. I have been known to steal it from the cheesy restaurants I frequent just so I have something in my purse for when I get a craving for sweet. I used to eat my Mom’s Equal tablets when I was a kid. They were like Tic tacs, only way better.

    If you ever find a pile of Equal big enough to roll around in, PLEASE! Invite me to join you!

  6. On March 15th, 2012 at 12:30 pm CycleNinja Says:

    How do you know how squirrel shit tastes? I mean, I do, too, but I didn’t realize you were at the same party.

  7. On March 15th, 2012 at 12:35 pm Heather @ nobody-but-yourself Says:

    Equal gives me migraines, le sigh.

    Nyquil (red flavor, not green, thankyouverymuch) is known in my house as Mommy’s Magical Elixir. When I get a case of The Bad Head/Throat Germs, (typically thanks to exposure to my germ-mongering child and/or a member of her Brownie troop, of which I am the leader) (and yes, it does say SUCKER WHO CANNOT SAY NO across my forehead… did I mention I’m also the class parent? And on a zillion PTSA committees? Le sigh again) I turn to Mommy’s Magical Elixir. One shot of burny red goodness down the hatch and I’m comatose for a solid 12-14 hours, minimum. Then I wake up all hung over but still feeling Much More Human than I had before downing the shot.

    So yeah, I do not get how kids – anyone! – could drink large quantities of Nyquil. What the what?

    Also, do not become Lil Wayne is the best New Year’s Resolution, EVER.

  8. On March 16th, 2012 at 7:22 am Kathryn Says:

    You know, it really depends on the person. For me, Nyquil knocks me right the fuck out for the better part of the day, but for most of the people in my family, it makes their heart race and keeps them up. Maybe that’s the result the kids are getting?

  9. On March 16th, 2012 at 2:46 pm Melissa Says:

    Nah, it happens to adults too. Any kind of antihistamine makes me climb the freakin walls.

  10. On March 15th, 2012 at 12:37 pm alaina Says:

    Clearly they should change the “Cherry Flavored” to “Satan’s Bunghole” on the side of the bottle because you nailed that one.

  11. On March 15th, 2012 at 12:39 pm tangeria Says:

    i must be a lightweight, cuz when i “roboated” in college, it only took me one bottle to completely spaz out. and that my friends, was my one and only experimentation with illicit drugs. never needed to do it again, and i thank my lucky stars that i didn’t turn into little wayne. one bad trip is all it takes, you know….

  12. On March 15th, 2012 at 12:55 pm Jason Says:

    I am so old and out of it, I had to GOOGLE what “sizzurp” is.

    Stuff sounds weird.

  13. On March 15th, 2012 at 1:18 pm Melissa K. in Nebraska Says:

    Great! Now I have Afternoon Delight running through my head and no Nyquil in sight. Thanks.

  14. On March 15th, 2012 at 5:25 pm chrisinphx Says:

    Satan’s Bunghole…Me thinks this is a really great name for a team sport of some sort.

  15. On March 15th, 2012 at 5:50 pm Heather @ nobody-but-yourself Says:

    Roller Derby. Roller Derby teams have all the kickass-iest names.

  16. On March 15th, 2012 at 5:49 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    …Is Lil Wayne not making enough money to buy real drugs? I’m confuzzled.

  17. On March 15th, 2012 at 8:08 pm KMarrs Says:

    Yeah… As a fellow mom of 3, I have to admit a dose of nyquil, plus the time to enjoy the results, really is my idea of one hell of a party.

  18. On March 16th, 2012 at 12:34 am Tracie Says:

    I only eat real sugar – no artificial sweeteners. It is the one healthy thing I do.

    Nyquil is so gross. I’ll drink it when necessary, but I can’t imagine drinking it recreationaly either. Hello long sleep.

  19. On March 16th, 2012 at 4:59 am Grace Says:

    Note to self: always read Aunt Becky’s blog at ungodly hours of the night. My natural loopiness from being up late makes everything that much funnier!

    Being a lover of pirates, the skull and crossbones symbol for “poison” just makes me want to drink whatever has that label (because I clearly live in a 1930’s comic book). Lil Wayne would be a much more appropriate “poison” symbol.

    Pirates = Awesome
    Lil Wayne = Instant Death

  20. On March 16th, 2012 at 1:48 pm Mrs. One Day Says:

    What’s wrong with Li’l Wayne? KIDDING! I’m scared of him. Hold me, Becky.

  21. On March 16th, 2012 at 2:25 pm Marta Says:

    Yeah I don’t understand the concept of abusing nyquil. Also, whose parents are stocking up on nyquil that the kids have access to multiple bottles of it? And wouldn’t you notice if suddenly your stockpile of nyquil was MIA? Children these days. Whatever happened to snorting pixie sticks?

  22. On March 16th, 2012 at 2:50 pm Melissa Says:

    People! I dont think people are partying on Nyquil. The bad people CAN make meth out of it though. Meth heads ruin it for everyone.

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